sealing----

I have been so happy and okay with everything. THIS IS WHAT I WAITED FOR! This is what I wanted for him. This is what felt right. ALl in ten minutes I was dying again, grief pouring from my soul. 

Ever level of grief

HATRED- hate like I have never hated

Saddness like I have never been sad

Depression-

I met with Charity and cried and cried. it took me 30 mintutes to regroup

The adoptive mom sent me the most lovely email. 

I have a MILLION feelings going through me. I want to write about one thought. 

"I encourage birthmothers to remain in contact with their child in spite of the pain."

http://birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com/2011/11/can-temple-ordinances-bring-adoptees.html?m=1

Today I wanted to give up everything. I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to run, Instead here I am in the same city that baby will be sealed to his parent tomorrow. In less then 12 hours. I can't believe it. It is all here. 

I remember telling Heavenly Father that I couldn't do it alone. I couldn't. I can't. I have wonderful support. 

Today as I was leaving Charity's office I couldn't stop crying I called a few people and one friend on my list of ten answered. She said nothing. She listened, she told me I am okay for what I am feeling. I NEVER not once called in sick for work when I was prego and I wanted to call in today but the other worker didn't answer. 

After my friend helped me out I was at work and It felt like days before my next friend, my best friend came to my resuce. 

God sends us angels. 

thanks for praying for my angel to come adoptive parents. Thanks for praying for him every night to come to me. 

He came, he dropped from the sky. 

It takes the sting away. 

Baby boy,

I love you. I want you to know I am doing hard things because I love you. Because God has put love in my heart that I can't get rid of. I wish I could explain this to you but nothing I have ever gone through has made me prepared for this. I hope you will always stay close to the Lord so it always makes sense why you couldn't be in my home forever. 

I have felt good about adoption forever. 

After meeting you parents months ago I have never felt so undeniably sure that you were meant to be with them. YOU ARE> 

Call me anytime you need. I will be here because even though it is so hard not to have you here with me. To not rub my cheek up to yours, to not watch you sleep, to not get to change you cute bum I know that you are meant to be there.

We will forever be together in one way or another. 

God watches out for both of us.

I love you

MAMA ALICE

FINALIZATION

It is final. The baby is tied to his family.

I haven't been to worried about today. I didn't feel the need to go or be there. I do feel like I missed out now but I think I will always feel that way to some extent. I miss out on his first solid eating. I miss out. THAT IS OKAY and though I think it is kinda sad. It isn't, he is with his family. His parents.

I love saying that. It has never felt more real then now.

I have been happy and sad and overwhelmed with emotion when it comes to Saturday. Which is his sealing and the next day is his blessing.

I just don't want people to say stupid things to me and hurt me. I don't want to snap on them and I for sure don't want to hurt anyone when it comes to that but I just am WORRIED. My lovely boyfriend is coming. He will be there for me to hold his hand and hug him and I guess that is really why I am so ok.

Ever since my BF I have felt the sting leave.

Everyday I had that sting till the BF. Stuff with the baby is now different. It is more settled.


This morning I thought about the couple waking up and going to the court and who they would see and what they would wear. I thought about what would be said. I thought about them. I feel like I am finally thinking of someone besides me. I love them and I have wanted this for baby boy for a while  now. NOW HE IS  THEIRS while on earth! I can't wait till Saturday. For time here and in Heaven ;)

I am so happy! No tears just a smiling heart ;)

I found love

For two months I have felt nothing but bliss. the PINCH, the PAIN gone. Vanished. I use to think of baby boy and just ache. It was grief in the large. Then I had the most amazing man. He knew about everything. He knew. I love him. I want him to be mine forever. I can't describe the happiness he has flown into my life. It is amazing. I love love.

I read love stories and I am not satisfied. Our love is just AMAZING> It is better then any book or movie.

I found love in a hopeless place.

hello depression

I haven't wanted to admit it but I can't ignore it. It is back. Last Saturday all I wanted was to be married. I really do. I just want that companionship. I know it is hard and it isn't easy but the bennefit of kissing someone and cudling and the security is huge and I really want it.

I did something stupid. I added tinder back to my phone. With in one hour I had a date with a guy.....

This was a draft from November 30th

Depressed November

I was so depressed in November.

I had no idea how much placing my baby would be. He will always be my son but he won't be the one that I get to hold. I don't get to check on him in his crib. I have to wait to hear how he is doing. I chose to do that. All november was so hard. I wanted him. I wanted to hold him I wanted to hear him, I wanted to feel him. I wanted to put my face up to his I wanted to kiss his nose and his lips. I wanted to be the one to hear him wake up at night.

Days like those were so hard. I wanted to be crazy. I wanted to feel things I never felt before. I started making ideas in my head. I wanted the physical love SOOOO bad. I wanted attention. I wanted to be heard.

One day I made a list of the things I wanted to do in between crying at work. I was crying for a good 4 hours. ( I have never done that  but I didn't want to be alone) I felt useless, wasted and unwanted. I wanted to scream but couldn't. I could feel the frown on my face. I felt like everyone knew. Well, my coworkers all knew. They were so worried about me. They cared, kinda.

This was the list I made Friday before Thanksgiving.

1. watch my snake die
2. drive to vegas
3. got to slc on a shopping spree
4. go to a movie alone
5. pour bleack in my fish water
6. get prego again
7. go to a bar
8. key on main slce
9. sushi
10. poetry club
11. slam poetry
12. text everyone that I hate and tell them why 
13. steal the baby back
14. camping alone
15. go shooting
16. buy tickets to CA to meet guys
17. go skydiving
18. drive to Canada
19. fly to houston
20. fly to NV
21. meet x in a nearby city to hook up
22. go skinny dipping
23. go see brother
24. go to hotsprings
25. go to a rest home
26. join tinder and have a hoot up on tinder
27. quit my job
28. job hunt and move soon
29. camping with my skake
30. go to gym
31. book hotel in SLC
32. karoke bar
33. get nails done
34. get hair done
35. .

Instead I went hot tubing and went to dinner with friends then got a frozen hot chocolate. 

I was still depressed. I still hurt. I still wanted to cry but it was a tiny bit more tolerable. I could manage life. 

My coworker also had me look up things to print- it helped

I found another that was a silhouette and on the inside it said help me help me help me

 and then by the lips it said.

 I'm fine. 

I wasn't fine. I wasn't happy. I was sad. I was TERRIBLE,