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I wondered for so long, how was I going to feel when I saw the baby. It took loosing my sweet boyfriend from all this hurt and anxiety and feeling so sad and taking it out on the "whipping boy" to discover that after I visited little boy yesterday that I feel more emotionally detached then ever. I thought my heart would always ache. I thought that I wouldn't stop. I think after going through so much hurt and feeling like his mom kinda got a little cray cray on me and seeing her protect him and herself and her husband, even if it was from me.
I didn't know until I saw him.
He is so happy. SO healthy. I didn't feel like I had to stay forever. I didn't feel like my heart was breaking as he smiled at me with 3 teeth. I didn't feel like I should have brought a filmmer to get every minute on film so I could watch it over and over again. Instead I felt different.
I feel like the hurt is leaving and the joy is coming in more. After hurting for so long, a year it is like being so upset at the one year really got so much out of me. I bled out. I am sure it isn't the end but I am not feeling like I can't text the mom because I don't think to myself, are the alternative motives.
I still love that little boy but it is getting less mother bear feeling.
I feel more emotionally detached then ever. I think a lot has to do with being so numb in my heart ache. My fiancé and I broke off the engagement. I was hurting so bad and couldn't deal with so much going on.
The saddest thing is, I don't really know if we will get back together. Usually I would miss this little boy in anytime that I didn't feel loved, this time I think the fiance got me through more then I thought.
Thank you now boyfriend.
I think forever I will always wonder but that is grief.
I think forever I will someday get depressed, but that is grief.
I think forever I will be sad on july 8th, but that is grief.
I think forever I will be mad and get mad at someone- that isn't fair to anyone, but that is grief.
I know forever I will be okay, because my choice changed the world, it was the will of God. I won't have the answers but I will have peace.
I know forever he will be loved. He loves us, God loves us, He is with us forever.
Alice
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Happy birthday to you
I would be lying if I said this wasn't biter sweet, happy birthday sweet boy.
XOXO
XOXO
Monday, July 7, 2014
one day I'll fly away
I wonder when the pain will stop. I wonder when I won't feel the empty pain. I wonder when there will be a good day again. I haven't had much of those.
I have really taken it out on the future husband lately and I try telling him things but then it just turns out bad.
I haven't felt this much confusion about my feelings since November.
I am happy that he was placed. I am sad that he was placed. I am mad at the adoptive parents for not being perfect i am happy with the parents. I am mad about the mom posting pictures I am sad about them posting pictures. Nothing pleases me or suffices me. I feel so selfish and awful. I feel the depression eating my soul I feel the anger building up around my heart. I feel like a bad person.
I feel destructive and like a child. When I am acting out I make so many mistakes and don't think or care. All night I have been trying to let the feelings come. I have cried and I wonder why God wanted me to go through this.
Consequences?
I remember the cousin who could only see my sin.
Sometimes I am mad at God, it seems to be a lot lately. I seem to be more mad then anything. I just want answers. Instead I have questions and hurt and heart ache.
Watching a boy grow up I think about how he doesn't and will probably never really care about me. I think how he will one day hate me. I think how he will one day not love me. I think about how he doesn't need me.
I have really taken it out on the future husband lately and I try telling him things but then it just turns out bad.
I haven't felt this much confusion about my feelings since November.
I am happy that he was placed. I am sad that he was placed. I am mad at the adoptive parents for not being perfect i am happy with the parents. I am mad about the mom posting pictures I am sad about them posting pictures. Nothing pleases me or suffices me. I feel so selfish and awful. I feel the depression eating my soul I feel the anger building up around my heart. I feel like a bad person.
I feel destructive and like a child. When I am acting out I make so many mistakes and don't think or care. All night I have been trying to let the feelings come. I have cried and I wonder why God wanted me to go through this.
Consequences?
I remember the cousin who could only see my sin.
Sometimes I am mad at God, it seems to be a lot lately. I seem to be more mad then anything. I just want answers. Instead I have questions and hurt and heart ache.
Watching a boy grow up I think about how he doesn't and will probably never really care about me. I think how he will one day hate me. I think how he will one day not love me. I think about how he doesn't need me.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
letter from the adoptive mom
WOAH- the adoptive mom wrote quite the letter to me last night.
Oh well.
I am kinda proud of her. She sounded more like a mom last night then ever. She was protective and strong. Things I write on my blog espeically when I am grieving isn't the real me- I know there are expectations that won't and can't be met. We are all our own person.
What I learned-
1. We are both VERY open and blunt and it does hurt the other feelings.
2. She is going to stop reading my blog-
3. She remembers telling me stuff but I don't...
4. She can be mean and I think this is the first time, which is hard when you are already sad but I am proud of her.
5. She is a talker. Sometimes we talk to heal even at 12 at night
6. Things that are important to her aren't imporatant to me
7. She is going through a hard time
8. She doesn't have time to do stuff
9. She can't read my mind
It is funny knowing she isn't going to read the blog.
To all my friends out there, to those who this blog helps and I love you! We can make it...
For me I still am needing my space but I am not sure what we decided.
I am not going to the birthday- she said so quick- That's fine. I am not sure what that means?
To baby boy,
You are still loved.
Oh well.
I am kinda proud of her. She sounded more like a mom last night then ever. She was protective and strong. Things I write on my blog espeically when I am grieving isn't the real me- I know there are expectations that won't and can't be met. We are all our own person.
What I learned-
1. We are both VERY open and blunt and it does hurt the other feelings.
2. She is going to stop reading my blog-
3. She remembers telling me stuff but I don't...
4. She can be mean and I think this is the first time, which is hard when you are already sad but I am proud of her.
5. She is a talker. Sometimes we talk to heal even at 12 at night
6. Things that are important to her aren't imporatant to me
7. She is going through a hard time
8. She doesn't have time to do stuff
9. She can't read my mind
It is funny knowing she isn't going to read the blog.
To all my friends out there, to those who this blog helps and I love you! We can make it...
For me I still am needing my space but I am not sure what we decided.
I am not going to the birthday- she said so quick- That's fine. I am not sure what that means?
To baby boy,
You are still loved.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
grieving makes you feel cray cray
Yesterday- oh man. I can't help but blog. I wish I could put what i am feeling into words but I can't. I wish I didn't have feelings of anger, jealousy and hatred but I do. I wish I had an explanation for having 6 months of peace and then bam I am beyond upset.
Reasons why I got upset/hurt... I think.
1. The family is important to me. I would drop anything for them and in reality they wouldn't drop things for me. Their actions don't show that they would. I just feel like they must be so frustrated with me. I am over here ranting on my blog. Like REAL RANTING and acting like a baby. I know I am but when I am in this mind state I am not healthy. I am trying to make EVERYONE hurt as much as I do. The poor future husband that has me tear into him yesterday and be angry with him. Oh man. I couldn't even stop and he is really my number one.
2. I have unrealistic expectations. I look to forward to things. They make mistakes they are human and they have feelings but when someone tells you they are going to send you pictures of a little boy you see once a month or once every few months you look forward to those pictures. I wish I didn't and maybe that is why I want to cut of the openness...
3. It may be stupid to everyone and as I wrote in the last post that my friend said "I wouldn't feel like it was her baby if she always had to report" What is funny is I only felt so sad because I am so use to being able to see him when I have a bad day so when I had the bad day and couldn't see him that is why I was so sad. I don't need to be like a teacher and be asked to go to the bathroom and it's something that won't change. If anything cutting off the openess for me it would be better. More like it was good bye.
4. I feel like a facebook friend. I feel SO sad when I have to read things on facebook that I feel like I wish I would have known other wise. I wish I didn't care about this too.
5. It just hurts my feelings more when I read things because I take them wrong. Like the "not to excited to drive down" I still even after talking to the adoptive mom yesterday I still feel in my heart it was, not to excited to see you. Then talking to the friend about the report thing I just keep thinking, why would she be excited to see me? Why would she care? I sent the adoptive dad ties for fathers day and all I want is to see him and the boy in the ties. No picture just a thanks. Are my expectations to high? They aren't perfect. The other thing is, I just want them to get mad at me too. I want them to say how they really feel... then I want to say, I gave you a baby and you can't give me a picture then what goes through my mind, the thing that my friend said, I wouldn't feel like he was my baby if I always had to report to someone. Well guess what- I can't do it. It is easier to just take myself out of the equation. They have their happy family. I don't matter. I had the baby and now they are to focus on the baby.
6. I didn't want to admit it but I am jealous I don't have a little boy and really when I do need to see them and then finding out that they are 9 hours away- heart ache. I know yesterday I could have gone but that text then what my friend said about the report. I turned around. couldn't go. I was half way there and couldn't do it.
7. It takes alot to keep in contact with the family when they don't keep in conact with you so you feel like a burden and then reaching out is HARD. Then you take things the wrong way that they weren't intended but were written (I know they make mistakes but it is HARD for being a birth mom, my whole body wants to raise that baby but instead I get ZERO say. Which I knew would be hard and it's not that I am asking to have a say but I don't even know. I am just mad and grieving.)
SO I think that covers it. Nobody understands except this other birth mom friend that I have. I called my friend who is a mom on my down to see the family and she said that report thing and I blew up. I was crying, driving like a crazy person and went home. I called the husband to be and told him everything and he said, Alice baby boy is their baby. Oh that was not the things to say. Then I am crying and the only thing that was helping was walking... I walked 9.4 miles yesterday. 3 hours of walking and thinking about all of this. 3 hours.
I do need a break. I can't do all of this. I am obviously unhealthy, sadly I wish I could hug and kiss that little boy but I am to upset with his parents and really after making this big hissy fit and knowing they might read this I really don't think they would want to see me either. I am a horrible person. I should have more compassion and love but instead I am angry and jealous.
Yesterday after the "report" comment I was still talking to my friend and she said if you think being upset is better for you and your family then be upset. If you think being mad is better then be mad....
Warnings that I am about to blow
Things I do when I am getting sad and need more contact... I start reading the moms blog, i go to facebook daily or more and see if there are pictures uploaded then last I will email. I look at the last pictures that were sent to me multiple times a day, I let things get to me like the woman who said she couldn't love a baby that wasn't her own I start talking about the baby more. I start thinking and wanting to tell everyone about it. I start searching for praise. I talk to my birth mom friends more. I start reading about adoption more. I become crazy basically.
On thing that I like that the "report" friend said was you aren't a "crazy person you are a grieving person" i really have no means to being so fired up. I should be fine I should be cordial, instead I feel like nothing.
I walked 9.4 miles and really I felt back to normal about 6 or 7 miles in. It took forever. I feel like the baby isn't mine. I can't say my baby.
I worry that I hurt the family and really all that we need to do is make more contact for me right now. Maybe they hate me and that will be fine I guess. The world keep turning.
My other friend said something. I am engaged and happy to be marrying the man of my dreams yet all I could do yesterday was cry.
I briefly told my mom about it and she said something so peaceful, you did the right thing.
I am not at 100 percent peace and yesterday was a hard day, beyond hard. There are A TON of things going on in my life. Nothing to write on here but I am stressed and the stress and emotional turn of a year is hard on me.
Hold onto what I have, for now I have a great future husband and that is just what I have to think about. Anything else sends me over the edge.
To the family-
I am sorry. I am really trying but grieving is so real.
Alice.
Reasons why I got upset/hurt... I think.
1. The family is important to me. I would drop anything for them and in reality they wouldn't drop things for me. Their actions don't show that they would. I just feel like they must be so frustrated with me. I am over here ranting on my blog. Like REAL RANTING and acting like a baby. I know I am but when I am in this mind state I am not healthy. I am trying to make EVERYONE hurt as much as I do. The poor future husband that has me tear into him yesterday and be angry with him. Oh man. I couldn't even stop and he is really my number one.
2. I have unrealistic expectations. I look to forward to things. They make mistakes they are human and they have feelings but when someone tells you they are going to send you pictures of a little boy you see once a month or once every few months you look forward to those pictures. I wish I didn't and maybe that is why I want to cut of the openness...
3. It may be stupid to everyone and as I wrote in the last post that my friend said "I wouldn't feel like it was her baby if she always had to report" What is funny is I only felt so sad because I am so use to being able to see him when I have a bad day so when I had the bad day and couldn't see him that is why I was so sad. I don't need to be like a teacher and be asked to go to the bathroom and it's something that won't change. If anything cutting off the openess for me it would be better. More like it was good bye.
4. I feel like a facebook friend. I feel SO sad when I have to read things on facebook that I feel like I wish I would have known other wise. I wish I didn't care about this too.
5. It just hurts my feelings more when I read things because I take them wrong. Like the "not to excited to drive down" I still even after talking to the adoptive mom yesterday I still feel in my heart it was, not to excited to see you. Then talking to the friend about the report thing I just keep thinking, why would she be excited to see me? Why would she care? I sent the adoptive dad ties for fathers day and all I want is to see him and the boy in the ties. No picture just a thanks. Are my expectations to high? They aren't perfect. The other thing is, I just want them to get mad at me too. I want them to say how they really feel... then I want to say, I gave you a baby and you can't give me a picture then what goes through my mind, the thing that my friend said, I wouldn't feel like he was my baby if I always had to report to someone. Well guess what- I can't do it. It is easier to just take myself out of the equation. They have their happy family. I don't matter. I had the baby and now they are to focus on the baby.
6. I didn't want to admit it but I am jealous I don't have a little boy and really when I do need to see them and then finding out that they are 9 hours away- heart ache. I know yesterday I could have gone but that text then what my friend said about the report. I turned around. couldn't go. I was half way there and couldn't do it.
7. It takes alot to keep in contact with the family when they don't keep in conact with you so you feel like a burden and then reaching out is HARD. Then you take things the wrong way that they weren't intended but were written (I know they make mistakes but it is HARD for being a birth mom, my whole body wants to raise that baby but instead I get ZERO say. Which I knew would be hard and it's not that I am asking to have a say but I don't even know. I am just mad and grieving.)
SO I think that covers it. Nobody understands except this other birth mom friend that I have. I called my friend who is a mom on my down to see the family and she said that report thing and I blew up. I was crying, driving like a crazy person and went home. I called the husband to be and told him everything and he said, Alice baby boy is their baby. Oh that was not the things to say. Then I am crying and the only thing that was helping was walking... I walked 9.4 miles yesterday. 3 hours of walking and thinking about all of this. 3 hours.
I do need a break. I can't do all of this. I am obviously unhealthy, sadly I wish I could hug and kiss that little boy but I am to upset with his parents and really after making this big hissy fit and knowing they might read this I really don't think they would want to see me either. I am a horrible person. I should have more compassion and love but instead I am angry and jealous.
Yesterday after the "report" comment I was still talking to my friend and she said if you think being upset is better for you and your family then be upset. If you think being mad is better then be mad....
Warnings that I am about to blow
Things I do when I am getting sad and need more contact... I start reading the moms blog, i go to facebook daily or more and see if there are pictures uploaded then last I will email. I look at the last pictures that were sent to me multiple times a day, I let things get to me like the woman who said she couldn't love a baby that wasn't her own I start talking about the baby more. I start thinking and wanting to tell everyone about it. I start searching for praise. I talk to my birth mom friends more. I start reading about adoption more. I become crazy basically.
On thing that I like that the "report" friend said was you aren't a "crazy person you are a grieving person" i really have no means to being so fired up. I should be fine I should be cordial, instead I feel like nothing.
I walked 9.4 miles and really I felt back to normal about 6 or 7 miles in. It took forever. I feel like the baby isn't mine. I can't say my baby.
I worry that I hurt the family and really all that we need to do is make more contact for me right now. Maybe they hate me and that will be fine I guess. The world keep turning.
My other friend said something. I am engaged and happy to be marrying the man of my dreams yet all I could do yesterday was cry.
I briefly told my mom about it and she said something so peaceful, you did the right thing.
I am not at 100 percent peace and yesterday was a hard day, beyond hard. There are A TON of things going on in my life. Nothing to write on here but I am stressed and the stress and emotional turn of a year is hard on me.
Hold onto what I have, for now I have a great future husband and that is just what I have to think about. Anything else sends me over the edge.
To the family-
I am sorry. I am really trying but grieving is so real.
Alice.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
sometimes adoption stinks like now
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I think we all get that one conversation that sometimes stains our minds and doesn't give us a chance for a break or a minute of peace. I had one of those conversations and it has been bothering me since. It was last week. Ugh, I wish that things that people say to me wouldn't make me so sad and want to ball up and just be sad or lay in my bed. I have contemplated writing about it on here but haven't because it isn't positive and it is very sad to my heart.
Somebody I work with just had a baby and the whole time she was pregnant she would say things like, "you wouldn't understand and one day when you are pregnant" Oh I could bop her. Finally I said I was pregnant and I had a baby and placed him for adoption. She thought I was kidding.
Oh brother- grr.
So then months later she tells me, why didn't you just raise him, people told me why not adoption and she told me that she couldn't do it because she just wouldn't love the baby as her own. WHO SAYS THAT TO A BIRTH MOM!? So nothing I would say would stop her from saying hurtful thing after hurtful thing. It has created so many doubts and upsets for me. I feel bad and sad.I start to doubt if the adoptive couple loves my baby that I should be raising according to the world.
I tried telling my she daddy that birth moms get a bad rap sometimes and she was like, no I don't think so. Well guess what they do. It isn't the trend anymore, placing your baby.
Today I read this... and feel it so much. Ironically it is a birth dad.
"One of the most difficult aspects of being a birth parent is the loss of stewardship and access to the birth child." http://adoption.com/four-ways-birth-fathers-can-thrive/
I am feeling beyond emotional right now and as a birth mom when you are pregnant I feel like the adoptive family/case worker takes you more as a priority and then slowly you aren't after the baby is born. Which is great and not so great. It is great because you are moving on or trying to and need more space. It isn't so great sometimes too. I think I was more demanding when I was pregnant but I feel left out so much now. I wonder how everyone else feels.
The nice thing is I have my fellow birth mom friends.
I can feel myself going through grieving today. I am SO sad, and fighting tears and hatred. I hate myself usually and today is no exception. Why didn't I just keep him and raise him? I am going through each stage today... I hate me, I hate that I am not a priority, I hate that I am not... perfect. I am depressed and want to lay in my bed... sadly the acceptance is not coming.
I am tired of my mom saying one day "when you are a mom. When you wake up with your baby and when they are sick." My heart can't take it. How much can one heart take?
Today it can't take anything.
I write this to remember the hard times... because soon I will forget and I want to see how unrealistic I am. I was texting the adoptive mom today about coming to see them, she invited me down like a champ. I just got so sad about the adoptive and "real mom" saying that she "wasn't super excited about driving half way" and if I could come to see her. I just feel like a burden I feel like I wish this would all go away. I haven't felt these feelings of grief for months like 6 months. All i can think about is the baby off and on the past week and I feel so sad. I have been fighting and fighting it and then when I couldn't take it anymore lat week I asked the family if I could come see them because it is easier to be invited then asked to be invited, guess what they are out of state. UGH big empty void.... I just wish I could get use to the idea that I am nothing then I would have low expectations.
Instead they invite me to come out today and I am to upset to face anyone.
I am grateful for the days that things don't bother me. I am grateful for the days I am strong. I am grateful for the days I feel appreciated and birth moms are a heros. Today and this week I feel like people think I took the easy way out. I feel like I took the lonely road. I feel like I wish I could forget. Being a birthmom is the hardest thing I have ever done. The hardest part is I am so easily offended with it that I can't talk to the future husband about it sometimes because he feels like I am just going to hold on a grudge and he should be careful about what he says. Really the only people that don't hurt me is the other birth moms because each journey is different but hard and similar.
Oh I can't wait till i feel better. I know it will come... I just miss that baby boy today.
Today I don't feel like mama alice, I feel like a ghost. Someone of the past.
XOXO
alice
worse can get worse
remember the time you are on the drive to see the baby and you start talking to someone and tell them how you feel bad that you didn't know that the baby went to cali and it hurts?
then that person says, i wouldn't feel like my baby was my baby if I would always have to report to someone.
then you want to hang up?
That is how I feel. I can't take it anymore.
I am cutting myself off. I can't take things anymore. Things are to hard. It is just to painful. I don't want anymore contact, I don't want expectations. I am not the mother and I am dead to him.
I think we all get that one conversation that sometimes stains our minds and doesn't give us a chance for a break or a minute of peace. I had one of those conversations and it has been bothering me since. It was last week. Ugh, I wish that things that people say to me wouldn't make me so sad and want to ball up and just be sad or lay in my bed. I have contemplated writing about it on here but haven't because it isn't positive and it is very sad to my heart.
Somebody I work with just had a baby and the whole time she was pregnant she would say things like, "you wouldn't understand and one day when you are pregnant" Oh I could bop her. Finally I said I was pregnant and I had a baby and placed him for adoption. She thought I was kidding.
Oh brother- grr.
So then months later she tells me, why didn't you just raise him, people told me why not adoption and she told me that she couldn't do it because she just wouldn't love the baby as her own. WHO SAYS THAT TO A BIRTH MOM!? So nothing I would say would stop her from saying hurtful thing after hurtful thing. It has created so many doubts and upsets for me. I feel bad and sad.I start to doubt if the adoptive couple loves my baby that I should be raising according to the world.
I tried telling my she daddy that birth moms get a bad rap sometimes and she was like, no I don't think so. Well guess what they do. It isn't the trend anymore, placing your baby.
Today I read this... and feel it so much. Ironically it is a birth dad.
"One of the most difficult aspects of being a birth parent is the loss of stewardship and access to the birth child." http://adoption.com/four-ways-birth-fathers-can-thrive/
I am feeling beyond emotional right now and as a birth mom when you are pregnant I feel like the adoptive family/case worker takes you more as a priority and then slowly you aren't after the baby is born. Which is great and not so great. It is great because you are moving on or trying to and need more space. It isn't so great sometimes too. I think I was more demanding when I was pregnant but I feel left out so much now. I wonder how everyone else feels.
The nice thing is I have my fellow birth mom friends.
I can feel myself going through grieving today. I am SO sad, and fighting tears and hatred. I hate myself usually and today is no exception. Why didn't I just keep him and raise him? I am going through each stage today... I hate me, I hate that I am not a priority, I hate that I am not... perfect. I am depressed and want to lay in my bed... sadly the acceptance is not coming.
I am tired of my mom saying one day "when you are a mom. When you wake up with your baby and when they are sick." My heart can't take it. How much can one heart take?
Today it can't take anything.
I write this to remember the hard times... because soon I will forget and I want to see how unrealistic I am. I was texting the adoptive mom today about coming to see them, she invited me down like a champ. I just got so sad about the adoptive and "real mom" saying that she "wasn't super excited about driving half way" and if I could come to see her. I just feel like a burden I feel like I wish this would all go away. I haven't felt these feelings of grief for months like 6 months. All i can think about is the baby off and on the past week and I feel so sad. I have been fighting and fighting it and then when I couldn't take it anymore lat week I asked the family if I could come see them because it is easier to be invited then asked to be invited, guess what they are out of state. UGH big empty void.... I just wish I could get use to the idea that I am nothing then I would have low expectations.
Instead they invite me to come out today and I am to upset to face anyone.
I am grateful for the days that things don't bother me. I am grateful for the days I am strong. I am grateful for the days I feel appreciated and birth moms are a heros. Today and this week I feel like people think I took the easy way out. I feel like I took the lonely road. I feel like I wish I could forget. Being a birthmom is the hardest thing I have ever done. The hardest part is I am so easily offended with it that I can't talk to the future husband about it sometimes because he feels like I am just going to hold on a grudge and he should be careful about what he says. Really the only people that don't hurt me is the other birth moms because each journey is different but hard and similar.
Oh I can't wait till i feel better. I know it will come... I just miss that baby boy today.
Today I don't feel like mama alice, I feel like a ghost. Someone of the past.
XOXO
alice
worse can get worse
remember the time you are on the drive to see the baby and you start talking to someone and tell them how you feel bad that you didn't know that the baby went to cali and it hurts?
then that person says, i wouldn't feel like my baby was my baby if I would always have to report to someone.
then you want to hang up?
That is how I feel. I can't take it anymore.
I am cutting myself off. I can't take things anymore. Things are to hard. It is just to painful. I don't want anymore contact, I don't want expectations. I am not the mother and I am dead to him.
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