sometimes, though it is rare I am still sad

I don't think that I like to admit this and I don't tell anyone because I want to be strong and not be vulnerable but I am sad that I don't get to raise you and see you grow into the man you become. I think I distance myself a little so I don't get hurt and I do it to protect myself and it seems you don't really care about me. Now that I have my own children that I am raising it brings perspective to me, positive and negative.

I also don't like to think about hurting your mom and dad's feelings or anyone that is yours.

Today I was making a christmas gift for my husband and I saw things that were from you and your family around placement and it brought memories of feelings and memories of you... It is so unique and hard to describe but I do and will forever pray and hope for all things great to happen to you, just as I do for my sweet kiddos who sleep a few feet from me.

I was writing about how it was hard that first year after you were born... It was HELL. It was GOOD. It was so many things. I can't even explain.

I don't like to dwell on that but I just want you to know. you are still missed and still I know you are where you are MEANT and supposed to be. I have no doubts on that because it was so strong with my soul and God.

I want to end this weird feeling with my feelings of God, our Heavenly Father who loves us so much. I have never felt more connected to Him then when I think about you and how He feels about us and His son, Jesus, our brother and Savior. I am so grateful for the forgiveness and the possibility we all have to repent. Concieving before marriage was a sin and you WEREN't and forever won't be a sin. You were/are perfect. Stay close to the Spirit, please. The world can be lonely, scary and with the Spirit you can get through it all. XOXO