Wednesday, June 3, 2020

hello, it is me

I told my previous college roommate and buddy about being a birth mom Monday... I know- crazy right?  I feel like I am growing up and getting more comfortable with being a birth mom but when I first found out I was pregnant I didn't want to tell my parents. I didn't want to tell anyone. I feel bad looking back sometimes and feel bad that I ever told anyone about it. I feel like it is a heavy topic that not everyone wants to know about. I have told some cousins about this and their response has been hard. Everyone has a right to feel how they feel about it.

I feel like no matter what you think about yourself you aren't better than me because you didn't get pregnant at 27 out of wedlock. My consequence was greater than I imagined. Now I really only see the positive side of getting pregnant. That is P. HE  is ALIVE. He is living life. He is happy. Being adopted I know isn't the ideal situation. I hope someday when or now I realize if P ever reads this he realizes how loved he was by me. He realizes his birth dad MOVED, GOT A NEW JOB and was prepared to in his words, "take responsibility".  Which at the time I hate this phrase but now I can respect it.  I now have no ill feelings towards the birth father and wish him well. Truly. I wish his family well too.

Watching Black Lives Matter on media and the riots and all of this having been a birth mom I can empathize a little because of being a birth mom a little.

I had sex (if we can even call it that because even birth dad said, you can't be pregnant, we didn't have sex) AMEN dude. P is a MIRACLE. annnnnnd my stake president was like woah too. anywayyyysssss not that point of this.. but I had sex and got pregnant. It WAS SOOOOOO HARD. Like I said, it is a memory now. It isn't painful to talk about and I like talking about it but I realize some people don't like to talk about hard things. They don't want to be involved in hard things. Having been through this.. going to church pregnant and sitting next to this DARLING grandpa who hopefully hasn't passed but sitting there to just want God back in my life. To feel the burning power of the spirit again. To take the sacrament and feel that healing power of Christ. I HUNGERED FOR IT.

Our God is forgiving. Our God changed me through this experience. I connect with people because of this. We connect because of our pain. I hope you don't have to go through some horrible pain to experience empathy.

I dated an amazing black man after college. His name is private. He changed me. He loved me for me. He was pretty real with me. He was so easy to love. I reached out to him last night and talked to him. I told my husband of course and it was never about me reaching out in a romantic way but a loving way. He got that of course. He said something so sweet. I said what do you think about everything going in the news?

He said---

Ikr these are tough times all over the world, the best thing to do is to put our explicit trust in God and pray for people so that the healing they seek shall be received.

He also said.

You are one of the best souls i know

He doesn't need to be telling me anything. I told him a few private memories I have with him and how he changed me and he was so surprised by my memory.... I told him I know it can come across creepy- I GET IT.

Lets unite- Reach out to our brothers and sisters. Ask them how they are. I am not sure if asking how do you feel about everything in the news is a proper way to reach out but I am learning- haha

OKAAAYY so this is me saying I feel bad about all the oppression. I feel bad about it all and I hope we all change our homes so we are educating ourselves and changing what needs to be changed. My hubs and I are going to be supporting the Utah POC owned business'... gotta put my money where my heart is.

To that sweet boy who will be having a birthday in a month- I LOVE YOU. I know you are being raised to love all. I know you are happy. I know you are also a sweet, wild kid. LOVE YOU DUDE!

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Birth dad family

All the sudden I have a gazzillion views on my bloge. Birth dad family is that you? We all know. This doesn't lie.

Page views 8309

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Published again

Monday, November 5, 2018

I saved this from last year but I wanted to have it for myself and for the future

Such great ideas and such a real thing. It was so hard after placing with the holidays... even though most nobody knew but as a couple it is so much harder. \\

9 ways to navigate infertility during the holidays

By Liesl Nielsen,  |  Posted Dec 24th, 2017 @ 6:45pm

1 photo

SALT LAKE CITY — This Christmas would be a little different for the Stratford family.
The presents under the tree weren’t gifts, but boxes left over from infertility treatments. The hanging ornaments weren’t snowmen and reindeer, but needles and medicine vials.
“We just kind of make light of the situation when it’s out of our control,” said Karlie Stratford, a local hairdresser.
Stratford and her husband have been married for seven years and trying to have children for three-and-a-half. After the first year of unsuccessful attempts to become pregnant, Stratford went to see a reproductive specialist.
She tried several different treatments to no avail, until her doctor suggested in vitro fertilization. Soon after, she was pregnant with twins — and so was her sister. A few months later, the frustrated mother-to-be experienced a miscarriage.
“The day I had my (miscarriage surgery), I had one of my really good friends tell me that she was pregnant. I had my best friend have her baby the (same) day. The next day, I had another friend tell me she was pregnant, and then the following week, another. So all my friends were pregnant, and then my sister. I had been so excited to finally be pregnant with her,” she said.
And Stratford’s experience with infertility hasn’t just been an emotional struggle, but a financial one as well — hence the gift-wrapped medicine boxes.
“(My husband and I) aren’t doing anything for Christmas (gifts) for each other this year,” Stratford said. “Instead, just doing service and helping others that way and … I saved all my injections (and) medicine vials from all the treatments that we’ve done. And since we’re not doing presents … I put my boxes underneath my Christmas tree, and they’re presents that way.”
And though Stratford’s experience with infertility has been difficult, she knows she’s not the only one struggling with it. For many couples dealing with infertility issues, the holidays can be a trying time — especially when surrounded by friends and family who may be wondering why they haven’t started their family yet.
For those experiencing infertility, here are five tips to navigating the holidays:
  • Talk to a specialist first: Seek out a reproductive endocrinologist first instead of discussing infertility issues with family and friends, said Leecherie Booth, nurse coordinator at the Utah Center of Reproductive Medicine. Well-meaning relatives may give unhelpful, harmful or incorrect advice — and it’s easiest to broach a difficult subject like infertility with a professional by your side. Don’t trust the internet to diagnose you, either, Booth said.
  • Be transparent: Once you talk to a professional and feel confident and comfortable with your plans, it can help to be transparent with others, said Melissa Horn, director of outpatient services at the University of Utah Hospital. Horn decided to be open about her treatment when she, herself, was experiencing infertility and she found it to be beneficial in the long run. And so did Stratford.
“It got to the point where I was like, ‘Why am I hiding this?’” she said. “It feels really good to just let things out and just talk about it. I think that’s part of the healing process.”
  • Politely shut down questions: If you don’t feel ready to talk about infertility issues, it’s OK to shut down questions, Booth said. Politely, but firmly, tell family members that now is not a good time to talk about it and that you’ll have that conversation when you’re ready.
  • Take time for yourself: For Stratford, prayer is an opportunity to take time for herself, reflect and feel comforted. Booth also recommends making your health and happiness a priority during the holidays by taking your mind off infertility issues with a relaxing bath or a trip to the movies.
  • Take time for others: “I’m so blessed in my life in so many different areas, and when I start to feel bad for myself or I get down and have feelings towards people, what really helps me is to do service for other people. Especially during the holidays,” Stratford said.
Booth also recommends service, saying it can quickly improve the mental mood and take your mind off infertility issues.
For family and friends of those dealing with infertility, here are three tips to be a help, not a hinderance:
  • Don’t ask questions: If you’re wondering why a friend or family member hasn’t had kids yet, Booth and Stratford recommend stopping yourself from asking them unsolicited questions. Starting a family is a personal and private matter for couples and some questions may be intentionally hurtful.
“I think it’s a very personal and touchy subject … so I personally don’t like to ask people,” Stratford said.
  • Encourage those dealing with infertility to talk to a specialist: If a friend or family member does confide in you, encourage them to talk to a reproductive endocrinologist instead of giving them your own advice. Your own advice may be unintentionally unhelpful, harmful or incorrect.
  • Don’t make hurtful jokes: Stratford’s sister also experienced infertility and went through in vitro fertilization while Stratford was in high school, she said. Stratford, at the time, didn’t totally understand the difficulty of infertility and joked around with her sister, asking if she could tell her kids they were made in a petrie dish.
“I didn’t realize how hurtful that was until I’m experiencing it, and then I’m like, ‘I can’t believe I said that,’” Stratford said.
  • Keep an open mind: Respectfully listen and try to understand your friends’ or family members’ infertility treatments, Booth said.
“If the family members are open minded enough to listen and accept that families are made in many ways, and families come together in many ways, then it can be a positive experience for them to have that support,” Booth said.

5 Things That Helped Me Get Through The Year I Placed My Baby For Adoption

I never posted this! So fun!

My favorite part-

Mama Alice is a pen name as a birth mom to a beautiful boy. Alice is now married to her soulmate and they have two precious babies together. She enjoys traveling, decorating, and pedicures.

sometimes, though it is rare I am still sad

I don't think that I like to admit this and I don't tell anyone because I want to be strong and not be vulnerable but I am sad that I don't get to raise you and see you grow into the man you become. I think I distance myself a little so I don't get hurt and I do it to protect myself and it seems you don't really care about me. Now that I have my own children that I am raising it brings perspective to me, positive and negative.

I also don't like to think about hurting your mom and dad's feelings or anyone that is yours.

Today I was making a christmas gift for my husband and I saw things that were from you and your family around placement and it brought memories of feelings and memories of you... It is so unique and hard to describe but I do and will forever pray and hope for all things great to happen to you, just as I do for my sweet kiddos who sleep a few feet from me.

I was writing about how it was hard that first year after you were born... It was HELL. It was GOOD. It was so many things. I can't even explain.

I don't like to dwell on that but I just want you to know. you are still missed and still I know you are where you are MEANT and supposed to be. I have no doubts on that because it was so strong with my soul and God.

I want to end this weird feeling with my feelings of God, our Heavenly Father who loves us so much. I have never felt more connected to Him then when I think about you and how He feels about us and His son, Jesus, our brother and Savior. I am so grateful for the forgiveness and the possibility we all have to repent. Concieving before marriage was a sin and you WEREN't and forever won't be a sin. You were/are perfect. Stay close to the Spirit, please. The world can be lonely, scary and with the Spirit you can get through it all. XOXO

Thursday, November 1, 2018


I am a firm believer in miracles. I believe in love and I am loving the miracle going on in this family. I am so grateful for God, for the goodness that He speaks to us in our minds and through angels. Sometimes those angels are able to be us and sometimes it is more complicated. I only cried 7 times being pregnant with P. Now I cry on the daily.

Like when I watch This Is Us. It melts me. It makes my eyes well up and it speaks to my soul.

My favorite parts of This Is Us last night was the darling Randal and Beth. Beth says to him what Deja tells her... you really hear birds singing and yadda yadda. Deja tells Beth how much Randal loves Beth, it was just soooo sweet. I believe in the miracle of love. Randal is my favorite character in it all. He is the bomb.

To our miracle out there, keep growing, keep getting bigger.