I will never forget the phone call from C about wanting to try a sperm doner. Even writing about it I feel the power of God come into my soul. This is something so ..... sacred but I asked C if I could write about it and she said yes. She hopes that this reaches other people. I hope so too.
SO- before she had told me about this a few months ago I feel like I had come to an okay spot about them not adopting and not trying to get prego but reaching through foster care. I think it is interesting to note that when we are okay with this we will be redirected to do something else we had already closed the books on. It is easier emotionally. I also don't know the end of being C and preparing to be pregnant. Like obvs there is the physical part but also there is the emotional.
I keep having this book come to mind
We plant seeds in the way we process negative events. After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist, Martin Seligman found that three P’s can stunt recovery: (1) personalization- the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness – the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence – the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever. The three P’s play like the flip side of the pop song “Everything Is Awesome” – “everything is awful.” The loop in your head repeats, “It’s my fault this is awful. My whole life is awful. And it’s always going to be awful.
From Bouncing Forward she writes,
Psychologists went on to study hundreds of people who had endured all kinds of trauma: victims of sexual assault and abuse, refugees and prisoners of war, and survivors of accidents, natural disasters, severe injuries, and illnesses. Many of these people experienced ongoing anxiety and depression. Still along with these negative emotions there were some positive changes. Up to that point, psychologists had focused mostly on two possible outcomes of trauma. Some people struggled: they developed PTSD, faced debilitating depression and anxiety, or had difficulty functioning. Others were resilient: they bounced back to their state before the trauma. Now there was a third possibility: people who suffered could bound forward.When we face the slings and arrows of life, we are wounded and the scars stay with us. But we can walk away with greater internal resolve.
it is so intriguing. I feel like C and J are bouncing forward. Not being able to adopt this sweet baby from Indiana was really hard on all of us. It is hard. I am still aching for that baby and hope the best for the baby. I being a birth mom try to be supportive of all choices of life and I try to be supportive for this mama in Indiana raising a baby with her grandma.
I also have my heart in this family- C is my friend. She has always been my friend. ALWAYS but i have a unique interest in them because I placed my baby with them.
I feel like I am bouncing around in my thoughts but I just want them to get prego- I want it to work- Selfishly I want it for them (because I feel like I stole the opportunity for them to be prego with P). I want it for them in a Spiritual sense where I can FEEL that amazing power of God and I know HIS hand is in this. I want P to have a mom who gets to see be prego- I want J to be a husband to a wife who is prego and I want C to as well. Pregnancy is gorg. It is just beautiful. So if you are reading this- send a prayer of faith and hope to heaven and the sweet child that is trying to come to this family. I can FEEL IT>
I want to write more about my spiritual experience to this....
I was going to name our baby girl Patience after our common BFF who passed but last year 2017-18 while we were going through names and after I told Pays husband and sister I wanted to name her after her. I had a vivid dream with Patience. She told me I couldn't use her name because it was being saved for C's baby girl who is waiting to come to earth.
Chills.... GOD IS REAL everyone. GOD KNOWS and Pay being on the other side is doing the work of our Lord.
SO to Patience Jr... we all feel you. We are trying all we can to get you to earth- it isn't easy and you really are being so patient- LOVES LOVE LOVES
Yesterday I found out we aren't prego.... IT IS VERY HARD on me. I just want C prego. but we wait, we have faith and we bounce forward!
