Monday, November 24, 2014

one day more, I can wait but remembering is so hard

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So the person that connected me to baby boys family has cancer. Last night I stayed in the hospital with her. I got in her bed, got woken up every two hours and I dreams of you baby boy. I feel the sadness and the joy all over again of having you cute guy. I wish I was spoiled to live close to you or to at least be able to go back in time and hold you. I will never forget the moments having you and I wish so badly I could have you again for a few days. Those were divine. My body felt like death but I was SO overjoyed to have you. You were my little prize.

The other day I went to the grocery store and there was a mother there with her new born and I turned and was like your baby is so darling and she let me look at her little baby full of hair and honestly I just wanted to hug her and tell her to enjoy the moments she has with her baby. I don't think I was jealous but looking forward to my one day that I get to have my baby to go to the grocery store with.

I am also sad about loosing my fiancĂ©  with that because I thought the road would be closer but little boy you are always in my thoughts.

I am grateful for all the thoughts and loves I get.

Honestly, I am in SUCH a good place. It is normal to want a family and it is normal to miss your baby. Life isn't perfect but after I click out of this post I will have a normal night and go to sleep because I am beyond tired. My friends friend is sleeping over and I am so glad because I have someone to clean for, and listen to the help.

baby boy- thanks for your sweet kisses and I am so grateful for an open adoption. I miss baby you but I love you and can't wait to see what one more day will bring to you!

From a distance but from the heart,

Alice

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

dreams, of course about you sweet guy

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I love the nights that I dream about people I don't see very often but the most tender times are nights I dream about you little guy. Did you know that you get cuter, sweeter and smarter every time I see you. You are so happy. In my dreams your parents are the same as always, they love you so much. They really do. I see it and I feel it. If you ever wonder if they love you less then if they had you without me that is Satan and those are doubts. They explode with joy. I love seeing how protective they are with you and really you are every bit part of them. You haha do little things like them. Parts of me is sad by it because I just want you to be mine but most of me is happy seeing parts of them in you. You are just darling, you know that. DARLING>

In my dream last night you just kept smiling and talking and kissing me. Oh I love you. I love seeing you and playing with you, even if it is in my dreams.

XOXO