Yesterday we found out what we were having in May, a boy. I have been BEYOND happy and very excited to have a sweet, little boy.
I have heard some things that haven't been nice and I just want to make sure that people of my blog know not to say these things to other birth moms. "It will be so much more fun when you get to keep the baby" hellllo- I choose to place little boy into the arms of 2 parents of safety and 2 parents that God trusted and knew to have this boy enter their lives forever.
This is how it was supposed to be. Having a baby out of wedlock is the most emotional hard thing I have ever been through and parts of it are still very hard and uncomfortable but we get through this. Last night I dreamed about being a birth mom. It was very intense and emotionally painful that now I am blogging about it so I don't forget these times because I want to remember what i have been through and these things are all apart of something.
I dreamed I got prego again out of wedlock with my x boyfriend bryce and that I was married now to my current husband but I didn't know what to do. I was talking to my husband and told him we can pretend it is our baby or we can place him in baby pop rocks family.
It is so so so hard on me that baby pop rocks family wants more kids and are not getting them. HOW HARD! I so wish I could do more for them because in a way I feel so tied to them and their family but I have to do what is best for my family.
Lots of feelings and so much love, pure love from my heart.
I know God lives and loves us and wants our happiness. I know that He cares about His children and he whispers into the hearts of mothers and fathers everywhere. I know that this little boy, my first with my husband will be loved without measure and I hope that little boy i had in my tummy years ago knows that I loved him and his parents love him as if they were in their tummy's.
God is good, enjoy the journey you are in. I am going to enjoy my journey and be happy with what I have and grateful.
XOOXOXO
Mama Alice
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Thursday, December 3, 2015
thoughts of 17 weeks
Hello my fellow friends and my future self.
I love reading this blog. It is SO interesting to reread about my life and see what I thought of things. Grief makes you crazy town and sometimes I think that I was somewhat of a different person through that. I don't like to forget the feelings I had going through this because it is such a unique things and I want to have a blog that anyone can read for real raw feelings to either 1. understand a birth mom (better because we are all different) 2. if you are birth mom to have some empathy. I am here for you all.
Okay- So my feelings.
I was telling my she daddy about this this is what I wrote her:
Such weird feelings with being prego, Like I should be hiding it like i did the first time. My husband wants to tell everyone but I keep feeling like it is a secret. Oh being a birth mom and of course I feel like I am bragging about getting prego so fast because I feel so bad for other families that have infertility. Overall I am SUPER happy about having a baby and just having it for us. That is the best feeling in the world.
I am sure that this is somewhat normal but I don't have any other birth moms to bounce this off of because all my close birth mom friends are not having their second baby.
I do feel really grateful to have my husband but sometimes embarrassed by how I feel. I wonder if that is normal. I was prego alone and lived alone so I just would hide all my feelings from the public but now everyone seems to care about me.
I had the MOST wonderful cousins that pampered me. BIG TIME. Bought me massages and really were so giving with their kids. I loved having them over for sleepovers and I felt so motherly with that. I love having them and taking care of them, especially when I was prego because I just wanted to love something how I would my own baby and I don't know. It was unique. I also had 10 great friends and family that would talk to me about. My coworker really respected my space so that wasn't an issue and really most of the time I felt good so though I was hiding a growing baby....
Oh and hiding him, I felt like hiding him was a way of protecting him and myself. Some people can be quite cruel by ignorance and it would tear me up for hours. Just the littlest things. I am grateful to those that were so positive.
I don't think adoption was always what I knew would happen. My co worker asked me that today. My caseworker and I always made two plans. My first choice and instinct with baby boy was adoption but I had plan b in place all along. I had day care saved for him and a list of items to get for him if I wasn't able to place him.
That month before though, I knew 99% he would be with the family he has, they were somehow meant to be.
Anyway.
Lots of feelings I guess lately.
So being prego, I feel like an automatic weird thing telling people.
We find out what we are having on Dec 15th and I am VERY excited. I think we will announce it publicly then, though it feels like everyone knows.
I am so nervous to birth the baby and so nervous to breast feed. Breast is best I keep telling myself.
Last night I dreamed I had the baby at home and he was a he and nice and chunky. I also dreamed that milk was pouring out. Dreams are so real and helpful. I feel better already about the birth.
Oh at first when I felt the baby it felt so similar to baby boy 1 that it freaked me out but having a husband the next time be able to feel the little flutters was magic, like the movies. I must say, having the right guy as your baby daddy is the best.
I love reading this blog. It is SO interesting to reread about my life and see what I thought of things. Grief makes you crazy town and sometimes I think that I was somewhat of a different person through that. I don't like to forget the feelings I had going through this because it is such a unique things and I want to have a blog that anyone can read for real raw feelings to either 1. understand a birth mom (better because we are all different) 2. if you are birth mom to have some empathy. I am here for you all.
Okay- So my feelings.
I was telling my she daddy about this this is what I wrote her:
Such weird feelings with being prego, Like I should be hiding it like i did the first time. My husband wants to tell everyone but I keep feeling like it is a secret. Oh being a birth mom and of course I feel like I am bragging about getting prego so fast because I feel so bad for other families that have infertility. Overall I am SUPER happy about having a baby and just having it for us. That is the best feeling in the world.
I am sure that this is somewhat normal but I don't have any other birth moms to bounce this off of because all my close birth mom friends are not having their second baby.
I do feel really grateful to have my husband but sometimes embarrassed by how I feel. I wonder if that is normal. I was prego alone and lived alone so I just would hide all my feelings from the public but now everyone seems to care about me.
I had the MOST wonderful cousins that pampered me. BIG TIME. Bought me massages and really were so giving with their kids. I loved having them over for sleepovers and I felt so motherly with that. I love having them and taking care of them, especially when I was prego because I just wanted to love something how I would my own baby and I don't know. It was unique. I also had 10 great friends and family that would talk to me about. My coworker really respected my space so that wasn't an issue and really most of the time I felt good so though I was hiding a growing baby....
Oh and hiding him, I felt like hiding him was a way of protecting him and myself. Some people can be quite cruel by ignorance and it would tear me up for hours. Just the littlest things. I am grateful to those that were so positive.
I don't think adoption was always what I knew would happen. My co worker asked me that today. My caseworker and I always made two plans. My first choice and instinct with baby boy was adoption but I had plan b in place all along. I had day care saved for him and a list of items to get for him if I wasn't able to place him.
That month before though, I knew 99% he would be with the family he has, they were somehow meant to be.
Anyway.
Lots of feelings I guess lately.
So being prego, I feel like an automatic weird thing telling people.
We find out what we are having on Dec 15th and I am VERY excited. I think we will announce it publicly then, though it feels like everyone knows.
I am so nervous to birth the baby and so nervous to breast feed. Breast is best I keep telling myself.
Last night I dreamed I had the baby at home and he was a he and nice and chunky. I also dreamed that milk was pouring out. Dreams are so real and helpful. I feel better already about the birth.
Oh at first when I felt the baby it felt so similar to baby boy 1 that it freaked me out but having a husband the next time be able to feel the little flutters was magic, like the movies. I must say, having the right guy as your baby daddy is the best.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)