thoughts of 17 weeks

Hello my fellow friends and my future self.

I love reading this blog. It is SO interesting to reread about my life and see what I thought of things. Grief makes you crazy town and sometimes I think that I was somewhat of a different person through that. I don't like to forget the feelings I had going through this because it is such a unique things and I want to have a blog that anyone can read for real raw feelings to either 1. understand a birth mom (better because we are all different) 2. if you are birth mom to have some empathy. I am here for you all.

Okay- So my feelings.

I was telling my she daddy about this this is what I wrote her:

Such weird feelings with being prego, Like I should be hiding it like i did the first time. My husband wants to tell everyone but I keep feeling like it is a secret. Oh being a birth mom and of course I feel like I am bragging about getting prego so fast because I feel so bad for other families that have infertility.  Overall I am SUPER happy about having a baby and just having it for us. That is the best feeling in the world. 

I am sure that this is somewhat normal but I don't have any other birth moms to bounce this off of because all my close birth mom friends are not having their second baby.

I do feel really grateful to have my husband but sometimes embarrassed by how I feel. I wonder if that is normal. I was prego alone and lived alone so I just would hide all my feelings from the public but now everyone seems to care about me.

I had the MOST wonderful cousins that pampered me. BIG TIME. Bought me massages and really were so giving with their kids. I loved having them over for sleepovers and I felt so motherly with that. I love having them and taking care of them, especially when I was prego because I just wanted to love something how I would my own baby and I don't know. It was unique. I also had 10 great friends and family that would talk to me about. My coworker really respected my space so that wasn't an issue and really most of the time I felt good so though I was hiding a growing baby....

Oh and hiding him, I felt like hiding him was a way of protecting him and myself. Some people can be quite cruel by ignorance and it would tear me up for hours. Just the littlest things. I am grateful to those that were so positive. 

I don't think adoption was always what I knew would happen. My co worker asked me that today. My caseworker and I always made two plans. My first choice and instinct with baby boy was adoption but I had plan b in place all along. I had  day care saved for him and a list of items to get for him if I wasn't able to place him. 

That month before though, I knew 99% he would be with the family he has, they were somehow meant to be.

Anyway.

Lots of feelings I guess lately.

So being prego, I feel like an automatic weird thing telling people.

We find out what we are having on Dec 15th and I am VERY excited. I think we will announce it publicly then, though it feels like everyone knows.

I am so nervous to birth the baby and so nervous to breast feed. Breast is best I keep telling myself.

Last night I dreamed I had the baby at home and he was a he and nice and chunky. I also dreamed that milk was pouring out. Dreams are so real and helpful. I feel better already about the birth.

Oh at first when I felt the baby it felt so similar to baby boy 1 that it freaked me out but having a husband the next time be able to feel the little flutters was magic, like the movies. I must say, having the right guy as your baby daddy is the best.