Merry Christmas

I can’t explain all the emotions that I have through the Christmas season or use to without little P. It was really hard. This year with baby E has been the best year for Holidays and stuff. I honestly didn’t buy him anything to open on Christmas and didn’t feel it was important to do it because I just don’t think a baby who is 7.5 months really cares. We did buy him this little Zoo thing a few weeks ago and then the day after Christmas we got him a huge dog that he saw and started smiling/laughing at. Parents can’t help that sometimes.

 

There is my light for you. I think I will forever have a loss of not having little P but having my own family and child really makes up for it in a little way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had the BEST Christmas eve with J, C and P. It was just my hubs and our baby. We went over and gave P a tank and army guys that E gave him and then a couple Christmas books that I love. I got the same books for E. (okay I guess I got him some things haha) We chatted a bit and C took care of little E. Oh he loves her. Then J rode with my hubs and E and I rode with C and P and we went to Wingers for dinner. It was so nice. J carried baby E and my hubs said he wanted to. They are so good with kiddos and make us so happy with how much they love on little E and want to hold him. They say they are getting their baby fix. They told us they want to watch E for us for either dinner or outing or overnight and my goodness, are they saints or what? My hubs of course told them overnight. HAHAHAH that stinker.

 

My sweet C has lost her dad this year and the holidays are SO tough. They really are when we lose someone. At dinner my hubs asked C if she was mad at him. He is SO honest. She told him no and held back tears as she told us it has been a rough season. (she told me in the car, I teared up but didn’t cry) isn’t she so sweet and tender. I love her heart. I love my hubs too because he reached out and side hugged her.

 

I really have been hard on my husband and he has “repented and come to Jesus” he and Jeff worked things out. Very nice to have a husband who is so open and feels like this relationship is normal and fun. We really are lucky to have such a great relationship.

 

Okay P-

You are growing up so fast and sassy and it is so fun. I played army and police with you and it was so funny. You are very imaginative and happy. It is so fun to watch you feed baby brother E and be so attentive to him. You are such a great brother. I love you sweet boy, Merry Christmas. I hope you grow to love those books like we do.  

Depression and Infertility

This is a pretty unique blog post but I really want to be able to remember this and look back on and learn from it. I feel like being a birth mom my sweet adoptive mom C was SUCH a support. God was in it because every time that I would start to think about something she would call me and say, I have been thinking about this and it would be an answer to a prayer of my heart. Our relationship isn't short of miracles and events that show that we are love by another and our God. Our God is a great God.

 

C wrote this awesome post on her facebook the other day:

 

 "If anyone wants to talk about depression or depression that comes from infertility, I'm here for you! I struggle with both. It helps me to talk to others who struggle. And if anyone who doesn't understand about depression, but would like to, I will share with you how it feels. It's much better to ask than to assume. There are certain words and phrases that are beyond helpful for someone with depression, and then their are many that hurt deeply. Just ask. I haven't met anyone that hasn't been touched by people genuinely wanting to understand how they feel."

 

 

 (also shared a video- https://www.facebook.com/lds.jeffrey.r.holland/videos/913062948802516/?pnref=story )

 

 

I reached out to her through text asking her questions and she responded with this and she gave me permission to share it to my blog. 

 

 

"You are definitely a huge support. I suffer from depression, but had it pretty under control, but the infertility has exacerbated it to a whole other level. So some triggers for general depression, for me at least, are stress, hungry, disappointment from other people, perfectionism plays a big part, and the LDS culture of being happy, praying for miracles, talks on joy and the comparing that happens ALL THE TIME. 

For infertility, all of those things are hard still, but huge triggers are seeing pregnant people, seeing kids and babies, having people talk about miracles happening, when they don't know.  Seeing people complain about their kids (which sometimes I vent about P and I get that, but when people complain rather than talking about the beauty of the child, that is what hurts). Seeing and hearing about horrible parents who abuse their children in so many ways is the hardest thing. I think anyone and everyone has issues with that, but it really messes with your mind when those people get kids and you don't. It really makes you question what you did wrong. (That goes back to the miracle idea. It will happen if you are faithful. That saying Is full of shame and doubt. I try to never use that in lessons or even taking to people because life can be a bitch sometimes.) 

Another huge one is when I hear that family members or friends are pregnant from other people and they didn't want to tell me because they are nervous of how it makes me feel, I want them to think about how it would make me feel hearing about it from a stranger or in a large group. It's so much better to tell a person with infertility before announcing it so they can work through emotions in private and can be genuinely happy for the other person. My counselor is pregnant and we talk about infertility a lot, but I was so happy that she told me so that I could be happy for her and move on.

So, these are things that are appropriate to say to someone with depression:

Do's:

That sucks!

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. 

I am here for you. 

What do you need?

Then here is what people should do. 

1.Genuinely ask questions about how to help or understand.

2. Visit their home or just drop something off

3. Sit next to them

4. Always say hello

5. When you ask how they are doing, wait and give them a chance to give them an honest answer

6. Don't get offended when they don't respond or talk about it or to you. Just keep doing basic things and be respectful of their feelings.

Do not say:

I get that, unless you actually do

Things will work out

Be happy

Think positive

Remember to pray

Have faith

Get out of bed

Do something 

Do nots:

Ignore

Hide things

Pretend like nothing is wrong

Exclude them from invitations because you fear it might make them feel uncomfortable

Force them to do something

Not give them alone time when needed or being too pushy

Then there is infertility. Pretty much all of the previous comments apply. 

I was so happy that a woman in relief society stopped me and told me she was so happy to see me there. I LOVE this lady. She is simple and poor. She has a hard life, but keeps going. I told her a little about why I couldn't go to RS all the time since there are so many pregnant women, new babies, good news minute and most of he lessons had something to do about parenthood. And all she said was, "That sucks!" Nothing else. And those two words were so refreshing. She didn't try to cheer me up or make things better. She just mourned with me and made me feel like it was ok to feel the way I felt. And ya know what, she makes me want to go. 

PS I don't hate when people are pregnant, it is just a trigger for anyone dealing with infertility. But, I'm still excited for them. It just takes me a while to process it and jealousy happens, but I have to just go with it and feel it so I can be happy about it."


Isn't it so nice to read this. I love it because we forget.

I of course am trying to see it from my eyes and how I relate and I can't help but remember Charity saying that the emotions and feeling that we go through as birth moms are similar to adoptive families. I really keep seeing that over and over as our relationship continues to grow and expound. The first year after having P I would kinda hate seeing kids/families/babies/couples in love or whatever. It was hard to be happy for them but I did feel happy for my friends. I skipped lots of family parties because I just didn't want to be with anyone else but my sad self. Grief is HORRIBLE and loss is horrible too. There is a sting that can't be taken away.

I am shocked at things that people say to birth moms as I am one, shocked at things people say to those who are dealing with infertility.

I love my C for sharing these with us.

I feel like she is teaching us the virtue of charity. I need to listen up. I need to ask her what I can do on a day to day basis to help her. Cause I do want to.

LOVE YOU ALL

Mama Alice

can't sleep. Emotion filled

Lots of emotions over here for me. I should be sleeping but I can't. I am embarrassed and humiliated by my own spouse. I don't understand him sometimes and this is one of those times I am just upset. Saturday night P, J and C came over for dinner. My cousins came over too. It was great. My cousins left because their babe wouldn't fall asleep and then it was the 6 of us. 

Out of nowhere it seemed my husband turned to J and C and said, "I wish I had your problem." Meaning I wish I couldn't have kids. J and C haven't came out with why they can't have kids as far as I know and it isn't mine to tell their story but my husband said this. 

Immediately after he said it I said that was insensitive and the feeling of the whole room changed and it was now depressing feeling.  He looked at C and J and C said that was rude... my husband apologized and then said please change the subject...

I haven't realized this but it hurt my feelings- one because why would he publicly say he doesn't like our child. His daughter who has come over frequently hating us I can understand.... she can be your "mistake" but our baby! two, does he not like parenting with me? Ouch. hurt.

Does he really feel this way? I feel like all "jokes" or statements seem to have a bit of truth in them....

I have been thinking about it over and over yesterday but just not talking about it. 

I have really read lots of blogs about families that can't have children. IT IS SO SAD. I am grateful for them opening themselves up for lots of pain because telling everyone one of your most senstive subjects is not fun. 

I send all my love to C and J. They are an amazing couple, amazing parents and I wish I could do more to help them but for me, I love being a mom. I love it every morning, afternoon and night. Even the middle of the night. Placing P was one of the hardest things I will ever do. Watching him be raised without me isn't always easy but it is the right thing. Having little E is the best thing that could ever be. 

Things not to say to people who are going through infertility.

1. I wish I had your problem

2. Isn't it nice you didn't have to go through labor...

Anything close to being grateful for any pain you didn't have to go through. 

I am really not sure of other things they go through but those are big ones. 

mucho love to my friends C and J. Life is tough. Hang in there, the sunshine is coming. 

openness

Most people are so baffled by open adoption, honestly I don't really get it. Well, that is a lie, I use to be the same way and I use to think that I wanted a closed adoption.

side note as I type this little e is trying to eat my hands, his hands and everything. he is sitting on my lap and I am bouncing him as I type.

 okay so openness. It is strange right. I think because I have never really seen adoption from a birth mom. I don't think really anything is ever going to be in aggreance about what a birth mom feels or anyone for that matter because we are all different.

I can't help but compare adoption to animals. Have any of you seen this video?




I watched this and thought of being a birth mom. I hate that feeling of buying life. Buying a dog. I have such a hard time with it. Buying. That is why I won't ever be able to sell pups. I remember when I was a teenager and my dog had pups and we sold all but one of them... she got ran over by a truck later and she never ever chased trucks before then. I think now it was suicide of a broken heart. She wasn't the same dog after, she was so grouchy and angry. Can you blame her?

That is why birth moms have to be 100% no regrets.

Yes, of course someday we will get a dog but I have crazy feelings about it. Maybe we will adopt because there are so many abandoned animals. THAT BREAKS MY HEART. BIG TIME.

So why are we so open? For the health of it. :) It is so easy. Natural and we keep the golden rules. Being honest. Communication and we have boundaries that we respect. There are other things with that but those are the 3 that come to mind-

I could write about 8 million more things but time is up-


Mama Alice.

Upgrading to initials

I know big steps are happening over here but things are getting out of control with having to say so many things and when I use to feel so secretive about this blog I would say this is a step forward for me in being more open about my secret life. Though I do feel it is sacred. Secret and Sacred. So if I have shared this with you or anyone that I love has shared this with you, you are important to us. I really only write what I feel in my heart.

Ironically the song, "I bet my life on you" Gosh I love that sweet blonde hair boy born years ago. This was all for him and for me. I honestly don't know if he will ever read this or even have the desire but if he does, he will know of my love, pain and care I have for him and his family. I will never stop loving that sweetie.

Okay- here we go. I am going to do this in alphabetical order.

A- me- I am Mama Alice. It is my pen name.

C- My husband. We were married in 2015 on the 15th. :) He is mine and he is good.

C- P's mom. She is my sweet baby boy's adoptive mom. She is incredible, nothing short of it.

E- My sweet baby with my hubs. He was born in 2016. He has two half siblings. :)

J-  P's dad. He is P's adoptive dad. He has a kind heart that is naive in a way that is genuine.

P- This is the sweet baby that was born in 2013 & was adopted & sealed to is parents February 2014.

S- My step daughter. Born in 2013 and loves this awesome family.



These are the main peeps.

I remember being prego November 2012 and asking Charity ( my caseworker) if adoptive parents ever say no. She said maybe 1% but not to worry.  I was so worried about that and then when I had found the first family and then they told me no (because they were prego with their cute girl a day after me) I was Devastated. I felt like we broke up. It was tough.

The second family I ended things with on father's day, I still feel bad about that if you ever read this- but I always wondered how they felt. I always hoped and pretended in my head that they got prego. Hopefully they did.

Anyway. What I have been thinking about.

Little boy was going to get a cute little sister from Indiana but the birth mom decided to go a different route. She choose to keep her little girl in the same state as her. She called me on the phone a few weeks ago and she cried and I had never talked to her before. I told her she had to do what she felt 100% on and nobody could talk her in or out of it. If she felt 100% that she needed to do something else then she should. Doesn't make it easy on us that were so excited for a baby girl to come into the family I love so much but I do support the birth mom and whatever she chooses I hope she is 100%.

I love that adoptive mom was SO cool about it even though it is a horribly hard thing.

It is a odd feeling, being told no. I love this family. We are really close and closer since I got married and my husband has a 3 year old who is 6 months older then little boy and they play and since we had a baby. We are just in the same group, family group. My husband loves them as we all do and I think they love us - haha they do. We are more friends then birth mom.

So on Labor day we went to Seven Peaks with them. Adoptive mom took care of little E (our 4 month old) and she loved it and we loved it. She is so good with everyone especially babies. I mean that so much. She just makes everyone feel like they are the most important thing in the world. I loved talking to Adoptive dad while we picked tomatoes. That was maybe my favorite talk I have ever had with him. The first thing that little boy said when I walked in was we aren't getting a baby sister anymore then he called E baby sister all day and we had to keep saying no baby brother. E will be a great little half bro for little dude. I am sure they will love playing soon. :)

Well, just an update that "we aren't getting a baby sister" and it is hard but we are grateful for what we have and we will trust in God.

Writing is so therapeutic for me.

WRITE everyone. I will read-

Love MaMa Britt.

PS I just got the CUTEST video of little guy from his darling mom. (adoptive mom)

I need to start using initials because it is cray. :)

An Adoption Poem

I saw this on pinterest when I was feeding little E (my baby with my husband) and I couldn't help but screen shot it and send it for Alice to write about. It is so weird being on this side of adoption from where I use to be. I use to hate adoption. I had negative feelings towards it. I only knew a handful of people really in it and none were open and they weren't really good. Yet I specifically remember in high school learning about it in health class and learning about surrogates and thinking how I would for sure do that for someone (my goodness is being prego tough and my husband doesn't want me to do it because of our marriage ahahah I am quite moody as a prego and I want 4 kids 5 pregnancy's so by then i will be too old anyways) but I remember reading this and this is too wordy but it is my preface or addtion to that picture above. I remember reading that poem and thinking how lucky I am that I am so sure that my baby's sweet mama truly feels like this or so I hope because I never want to offend anyone and i don't want anyone taking it wrong.... blah. 

Okay so I love that I can feel only happiness when I read this. Pure happiness. 

Second thing- what we watch, listen to and are friends with DO affect us. 

I just saw this movie and now I see everything from the views of a mother and I will have to say this movie was a good one and I don't want to ruin it for anyone but that is that. 

Third-

I don't know why I am going through so many emotions or thoughts (all good) but it is just exciting to have another join the family but I have to say this over and over. No regrets. I am SO SO SO SO happy with everything. My husband, drives me nuts. Our sweet baby, drives me nuts. His daughter and my step daughter drives me nuts but I couldn't be the mother I am today without the husband that I have. I could never be the mother I am to our son that I could have been to the baby I placed for adoption that Summery day. I would be a mess and though I had things in order in my life I didn't have a father for my baby that would love me, support me, do ALL the bottle and pump dishes, I wouldn't have a garage or someone to carry in ALL the groceries EVERYDAY and I wouldn't have a husband that rubs my feet or teases me or holds the baby for an hour plus and gives me a break, I wouldn't have a man that kisses me or snores in bed like he is doing now. Being pregnant and single was tough. I had lips that bled because I was so sick and I had TOUGH times being alone with that but that wouldn't compare to what I would be doing now. 

For me, I am a better mother because of the husband that hugs me and kisses me and prays with me. 

I support EVErYONE and the choices that they feel they should do is right in their deepest part of their hearts but God spoke to me. He spoke quietly as He whispered in my mind I wonder about them... I wonder how they would feel about adoption. I went to her (adoptive mommy's) facebook many times to see any signs of it. I saw her share a thing on 1 in for 4 families have conception challenges and I remember going to that a few times to see her posts or comments but there wasn't anything. I was scared to ask her about it because I didn't want to offend her. I remember our AMAZING friend told her the morning of that I wanted to ask her about how they felt. that June day before Fathers day. (awful timing for the second family I chose but perfect timing for the family that little man went to too) God works in mysterious ways.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

I feel terrible at times for people and want to save them but they are saved. Thank you sweet Jesus, my brother, my friend and my beloved. 

I am a natural believer in Him. The world doesn't make sense without Him for me. I know He lived on earth, He atoned for us and He died and was resurrected. He is there, thinking and writing this I feel the warmth in my bosom. 

Hilary Weeks - He'll Carry You

rry You

He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn't face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he's never left your side
Chorus:
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
He'll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he'll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again
Chorus:
And when there are moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
He hears you when you're crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures
Chorus:
That in the moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you



He hears you when you're crying in the night
I sing this one line to myself.... I hear it in my mind, God sings it to me a little different then this song, more firey and passionate but I love it. HE HEARS YOU.

A few years ago my best guy friend and I were on a walk in St George and I threw my hands in the air with frustration and yelled TAKE ME NOW. I was at a low point in my life. We laugh about it then and now and I am so glad He didn't take me. Hang in there, the road is long but it is SOOO worth it. All trials lead to something better. SOme I am still waiting for the light but it will come, it always has for me looking back.

XOXO

MAMA ALICE

Oh and dearest sweet July baby boy- You melt my heart. I love that sweet voice of yours and I can't help but love you, all of you. You will be the BEST brother ever. I will never forget the love you had for your half baby brother and saying you were excited to give him hugs and kisses (all the while his half sister and my step daughter was saying he could sleep in the trash can, don't worry she has warmed up to him) but you will really be the best older brother. You are tough, strong, loving and you will be the best brother she could EVER have. I just know it. Thanks for being the spirit you were before this life and thanks for taking the moments to grow. You are blessed with great parents on this earth that LOVE you beyond doubt. I talked to your dad today and he just LOVES you. I talked to you today too and I just LOVE your voice. I talked to your mommy and she just loves her family. I can't wait to one day see you have a family and see who you become. There are hardships in our lives but really your life is so good in that car bed Mr Cutie. I LOVE YOU Baby boy

Mind your own womb article

I read the best blog a few months ago and it really spoke to me. It was here.
Or read below- (https://nadirahangail.com/2016/05/25/mind-your-own-womb/)

Mind your own womb May 25, 2016N. Angail

Somewhere there is a woman: 30, no children. People ask her, “Still no kids?” Her response varies from day to day, but it usually includes forced smiles and restraint.

“Nope, not yet,” she says with a chuckle, muffling her frustration.

“Well, don’t wait forever. That clock is ticking, ya know,” the sage says before departing, happy with herself for imparting such erudite wisdom. The sage leaves. The woman holds her smile. Alone, she cries…

Cries because she’s been pregnant 4 times and miscarried every one. Cries because she started trying for a baby on her wedding night, and that was 5 years ago. Cries because her husband has an ex-wife and she has given him children. Cries because she wants desperately to try in vitro but can’t even afford the deposit. Cries because she’s done in vitro (multiple rounds) and still has no children. Cries because her best friend wouldn’t be a surrogate. “It would be too weird,” she said. Cries because her medication prevents pregnancy. Cries because this issue causes friction in her marriage. Cries because the doctor said she’s fine, but deep inside she knows it’s her. Cries because her husband blames himself, and that guilt makes him a hard person to live with. Cries because all her sisters have children. Cries because one of her sisters didn’t even want children. Cries because her best friend is pregnant. Cries because she got invited to another baby shower. Cries because her mother keeps asking, “Girl, what are you waiting on?” Cries because her in-laws want to be grandparents. Cries because her neighbor has twins and treats them like shit. Cries because 16-year-olds get pregnant without trying. Cries because she’s an amazing aunt. Cries because she’s already picked out names. Cries because there’s an empty room in her house. Cries because there is an empty space in her body. Cries because she has so much to offer. Cries because he’d be a great dad. Cries because she’d be a great mother, but isn’t.

Somewhere else is another woman: 34, five children. People say to her, “Five? Good lord, I hope you’re done!” And then they laugh… because those types of comments are funny. The woman laughs too, but not in earnest. She changes the subject, as she always does, and gives the disrespect a pass. Just another day. Alone, she cries…

Cries because she’s pregnant with another and feels like she has to hide the joy. Cries because she always wanted a big family and doesn’t see why people seem so disturbed by it. Cries because she has no siblings and felt profoundly lonely as a child. Cries because her Granny had 12 and she’d love to be just like her. Cries because she couldn’t imagine life without her children, but people treat her like they’re a punishment. Cries because she doesn’t want to be pitied. Cries because people assume this isn’t what she wanted. Cries because they assume she’s just irresponsible. Cries because they believe she has no say. Cries because she feels misunderstood. Cries because she’s tired of defending her private choices. Cries because she and her husband are perfectly capable of supporting their family but that doesn’t seem to matter. Cries because she’s tired of the “funny” comments. Cries because she minds her own business. Cries because she wishes others would mind theirs. Cries because sometimes she doubts herself and wonders if she should have stopped two kids ago. Cries because others are quick to offer criticism and slow to offer help. Cries because she’s sick of the scrutiny. Cries because she’s not a side show. Cries because people are rude. Cries because so many people seem to have opinions on her private life. Cries because all she wants to do is live in peace.

Another woman: 40, one child. People say to her, “Only one? You never wanted any more?”

“I’m happy with my one,” she says calmly, a rehearsed response she’s given more times than she can count. Quite believable. No one would ever suspect that alone, she cries…

Cries because her one pregnancy was a miracle. Cries because her son still asks for a brother or sister. Cries because she always wanted at least three. Cries because her second pregnancy had to be terminated to save her life. Cries because her doctor says it would be “high-risk.” Cries because she’s struggling to care for the one she has. Cries because sometimes one feels like two. Cries because her husband won’t even entertain the thought of another. Cries because her husband died and she hasn’t found love again. Cries because her family thinks one is enough. Cries because she’s deep into her career and can’t step away. Cries because she feels selfish. Cries because she still hasn’t lost the weight from her from her first pregnancy. Cries because her postpartum depression was so intense. Cries because she can’t imagine going through that again. Cries because she has body issues and pregnancy only exacerbates it. Cries because she still battles bulimia. Cries because she had to have a hysterectomy. Cries because she wants another baby, but can’t have it.

These women are everywhere. They are our neighbors, our friends, our sisters, our co-workers, our cousins. They have no use for our advice or opinions. Their wombs are their own. Let’s respect that.

~Nadirah Angail

Dear future birth mom...

Dear future birth mom to your daughter and to a sister to my sweet baby aka 3 year old-

I am first so excited to welcome you to the most lovely, real, spunky, safe family. I mean for real, you will never have to worry about the health of your baby emotionally or physically. Baby's dad is the most safe daddy you will ever meet, he is almost a nurse, he is a fireman and has the knowledgeable mother as a nurse. AWESOME. Baby's mommy is brilliant too, she is supports confidence, intelligence and kindness everywhere she goes.

These two are down to earth and that brother will be the sweetest brother ever.

I have to say, I always knew there would come a day that there might be another birth mom to join the club in this awesome family and I at first was not looking forward to it until this past year... I have wanted them to get prego or somehow have a baby. I know that this is the right thing. I could feel that it was a girl that you were prego with and I have this peace that everything will go well. I am SO excited to welcome you in and invite you to text me anytime. I am USUALLY a pretty good texter and somewhat good caller and a okay blogger these days but really welcome in.

Your sweet babe will be taken care of and though the pain of placing is unimaginable and unique to every birth mom, you will survive this! You can do hard things. God loves you and loves that sweet spirit inside of you. I feel the love and have been thinking about you off and on.

I want to write a million more things but guess what, my baby needs me. Somehow I am the only one that can put him so sleep these nights. Thank goodness for a wonderful husband who took care of him while I typed this.

XO

Mama Alice

PS- A few weeks ago before I knew you I was at Costco with my husband, our son and my step daughter and we saw the cutest sleepers. I got one for our son and one for his sister and I kept thinking, we know someone who is having a girl but I can't remember who so we got a 12 month one. God looks out for His children and he knows us. When I found out about you I knew who the outfit was for. XO


this isn't the exact one but close.... kinda- ha

April showers

I have to say, I am BEYOND grateful for the healthy, communicating relationship that I have with as un personal as this sounds, my adoptive family to my sweet little guy.

Here is my little shower-
There are two ladies at my church who are adoptive moms.

First lady-
I am pretty sure I have blogged about her, she is lovely. When I met her I commented on how tall her daughter is and she said, she can't be getting taller then me and I said oh I think she is and I said your husband must be really tall? She said oh we adopted her and all our 5 kids. AMAZING! I said oh really, I don't tell everyone this but I am a birth mom and instantly she got tears in her eyes and hugged me. I got teary too and that just meant the world to me. I should tell her. We keep wanting to meet up but her life is busy with 5 kids and my life is busy with being prego and working? I dunno. Needless, we haven't but I have felt SO SO SO LOVED and respected by her in the most lovely way.

The other lady in the ward-
We did a gift exchange and I brought something and this lady got it. She thanked me and somehow we got on the topic that she only was born with half a heart and she adopted her two children. I said oh cool, I  don't tell lots of people but I am a birth mom. She and I aren't close to say the least. Polite but that is it. I have tried to be nice a few times thinking that she just must have something going on with a hatred towards birthmoms but haven't found anything out and she is friends with the other person in our church who says things that are kinda rude. ha- so needless I have been wanting to get that off my chest so I can stop thinking about it.

1. GRRR I don't like it when I tell someone I am a birth mom and they are insensitive.
2. I don't like to regret
3. I am not to be envied, I think some adoptive moms envy the birth moms. We are all on the same page ladies. You think I wanted to get prego and have my heart ripped out? IT IS HARD. Though I love sweet little guy and am grateful for how things have worked out I still can't help but feel like his life, my life and everyone's lives would be easier if he was just born to his parents that I felt and FEEL very strongly about them all being together.

WHEW!

SO what do you do when adoptive moms aren't nice and then you get a whole swirl of feelings like oh maybe she thinks I am whore for getting prego without being married or did she tell anyone else and they talked about it or yadda yadda.

I LOVE BEING A BIRTH MOM.

I love it. I will take being a birth mom over lots of other titles.

What if I was raped? I wasn't but my goodness.

When I grow up I am going to be more like Jesus and I will look back at this post and be embarrassed I ever thought of these things but for now I am just wanting to take it personal and all.

OKAY-

Listen to how wonderful my sweet baby boys mom is. She is the best adoptive mom ever.

I am so glad I got her.

I have been extremely struggling with the concept of being a step mom and then being a prego mom and having been a birth mom even more then ever LOTS of emotions.

Adoptive mom or baby boys mom- she sent me the longest sweetest angelic email.

I should see if I have permission from her to post it. I dunno- maybe that would be weird. Either way, she is LOVELY. It made me cry and I RARELY cry so that meant so much. Cry tears of joy, the best kind.

I should blog about it though.

Being a step mom is terrible depending on the situation but my gosh, no easy way to say it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Being a birth mom I think it makes being a step mom worse because, I JUST FOUGHT AND FOUGHT FOR 9 MONTHS for a baby boy to go to a home of a mother and a father and then I marry someone and I watch the pain of a little girl as she is dragged home to home and manipulated and treated as a pon. I see anger in a child I see a child manipulated to hate and then I see it back fire onto her mom. It breaks me. So now, being a prego mom I am pycho- this baby is so protected and I will have the best marriage and I am motivated beyond anything to make sure that this works out perfect and there is no such things as perfect so I am screwed. haha

AND I can't emotionally get involved with the step daughter, it just isn't possible right now. To many emotions.

SO that is my shower- and my flower comes next month! YAY! My sweet little boy that I get to be his mom and love on him as much as I want. I CAN'T WAIT to be a mom and a wife.

To anyone I offend- I don't mean to- to anyone that doesn't feel loved- I love you. To anyone that this confuses, I am also confused, hang in there.

LOVE MAMA ALICE

hello MARCH

This is just not like me to not blog but there really hasn't been much going on.

I am feeling great about where things are with little boy and he is so happy. He is such a tease and so cute. Him and his parents came over for dinner the other Sunday and it was so fun. He is so cute and just a little boy. Loves to wrestle, he is so darn happy and cute.

He loves little baby boy wayyy more then my step daughter which I just love. It is cute to see him so excited for half brother. He talks about the baby as we facetime and it is just darling.

We are really lucky to have a great adoption story and family. I couldn't wish for anything to be different. I love talking to his mama, she is just so cute, honest, real, passionate and full of life. I love her. I love his dad and really admire their relationship. a few weeks ago we went to dinner at their house. I always wished for a family that my sweet babe would go to and would look like them, like he belonged. As we were leaving they walked us out to the car and his dad was holding him and they looked so so so alike. It warmed my soul and has stuck with me for a month now. It is just an image I don't want to forget. They were all meant to be. It is so odd saying that because of everything but my goodness, I love that family so much. He couldn't be with a better mom and dad they are perfect together and for another.

Little Mr and my step daughter got to play together at their house and they played so well together till they watched Frozen HAAH The both kept saying that Elsa was, "my Elsa" then they got grouchy with another and then little S went to baby boys mom and little boy came and laid by me on the couch. It was another moment that warmed my soul.


While they were being grouchy with another I told them, you aren't giving me any hope that the baby boy in my tummy is going to be sweet, they would just look at me. hahahah Oh kiddos.

They really loved being outside playing together and I so wish that we had a backyard. One day.

Being pregnant this time for my family is so nice. It is a whole different experience. Before we got married I kept wondering how I would feel and what emotions I would have. Being prego the first time with little guy he was different then this babe but they do things that are similar too.

They both love my right side and right rib. They like to push there.
They both are very active during church, they must feel the difference of a sacred building.
They are both active for an hour before I go to sleep.

It is going to be so confusing to differentiate between the two of them! I will have to see about a name. They funny thing about them is they both have biological dads with the same last name. Isn't that so funny. I use to think it would be odd but it is really just whatever, I think because I was so prepared.

Anyhow- Happy Friday-

OH one more thing- 

Baby boy was born 21 inches long and 6lbs and 15 ounces.  What will this little guy be?

Hard to say. I was 8 pounds and my husband was 6 so we never know.

Please send the love for me as I birth this one- it is so scary even though I have done it once before!