can't sleep. Emotion filled

Lots of emotions over here for me. I should be sleeping but I can't. I am embarrassed and humiliated by my own spouse. I don't understand him sometimes and this is one of those times I am just upset. Saturday night P, J and C came over for dinner. My cousins came over too. It was great. My cousins left because their babe wouldn't fall asleep and then it was the 6 of us. 

Out of nowhere it seemed my husband turned to J and C and said, "I wish I had your problem." Meaning I wish I couldn't have kids. J and C haven't came out with why they can't have kids as far as I know and it isn't mine to tell their story but my husband said this. 

Immediately after he said it I said that was insensitive and the feeling of the whole room changed and it was now depressing feeling.  He looked at C and J and C said that was rude... my husband apologized and then said please change the subject...

I haven't realized this but it hurt my feelings- one because why would he publicly say he doesn't like our child. His daughter who has come over frequently hating us I can understand.... she can be your "mistake" but our baby! two, does he not like parenting with me? Ouch. hurt.

Does he really feel this way? I feel like all "jokes" or statements seem to have a bit of truth in them....

I have been thinking about it over and over yesterday but just not talking about it. 

I have really read lots of blogs about families that can't have children. IT IS SO SAD. I am grateful for them opening themselves up for lots of pain because telling everyone one of your most senstive subjects is not fun. 

I send all my love to C and J. They are an amazing couple, amazing parents and I wish I could do more to help them but for me, I love being a mom. I love it every morning, afternoon and night. Even the middle of the night. Placing P was one of the hardest things I will ever do. Watching him be raised without me isn't always easy but it is the right thing. Having little E is the best thing that could ever be. 

Things not to say to people who are going through infertility.

1. I wish I had your problem

2. Isn't it nice you didn't have to go through labor...

Anything close to being grateful for any pain you didn't have to go through. 

I am really not sure of other things they go through but those are big ones. 

mucho love to my friends C and J. Life is tough. Hang in there, the sunshine is coming.