first impression of the girl who got pregnant

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We have all been that judgmental person. We have all had a moment where that was our sisters best friends cousin.

I get responses sometimes

1. think I am a hoe

Suddenly I want to start screening them and hey, while we are at it why don't we compare who is the better person. Rip your heart out on the imaginary scale....Okay I will go first. This week I went to the temple, this week I gave a friend who was walking a ride, I made dinner for someone, I made smoothies, I wrote a thank you card. I took 4 woman to time out for woman all week, I let to guests stay with me. That is doing their laundry, hosting them... this week I... set my friend up on two dates, I did my cousins dishes, I helped a 4 year old. I gave a 6 year old a piggy back ride. I repented. I... loved, I caught myself in pride.

All because you think I am a hoe bag, slut, loose daughter of God you are going to miss the best parts of me. You are going to miss the part of me that will love you. You are going to not get invited to my awesome wholesome parties, you are going to miss it.

Really to those who think I am some hoe bag, I am sorry but the sadness is on you for those that you judge isn't a label on me it is a reflection on you.

Unfortunately I use to be this person. Instead of getting the door, smiling and loving the "prego single girl" I looked the other way. You might as well said I stoned her.

2. think I am the most wonderful woman in the world. Seirously they are ready to buy my dinner and just thank me over and over. They are those who have joined the adoption world. They see it and because so they get to see the BEST parts of me. I want to love them as much as they love me and I want to reinforce how beautiful adoption is. How even though I placed my baby I AM SO HAPPY and with our open adoption that we are able to be SO HAPPY. I honestly never really know how my family feels about it all but I really feel like it is so so great.

In all our visits there has been one visit where I just couldn't focus on anything but him. I wanted to talk and hear about the family but I couldn't even focus all I could focus on was him. Mostly I feel like I am visiting my friends and their baby. It makes me so so happy.

That is another thing. When people love adoption I want to share with them how warm my heart and soul is. I want to them to feel God's love. I want to laugh with them and cry with them. I want to just love.

I can't seem to put it in words that well but when people love adoption I am able to show them my true spirit. The spirit that I hide from the world.

3. are curious The curious makes me put up a front. I don't know what they are going to say that will possibly hurt my feelings and truly I don't need to care what others think but I think that it makes me happy when I change one thought. One thread. Open one more heart to adoption. I like to answer their questions and not really focus on anything I want to share. I kinda treat them like a child's questions. I don't want to over stimulate and flood their minds but I do want them to know a tiny bit.

Really I don't mind any of them. It is just more work for me to go through the pride. It makes me sad to have to "prove" myself or take a step off the tower that has been built under my feet after being convinced I should be worshiped or those that are curious and need a 2 minute explanation rather then a 2 hour like I want to give.

What would my advice be to those who know, just love the birth mom. Love the adoptive couple and the sweet baby. Love them. When you love you are able to be everything. You are able to be an instrument in Gods hands.

Most people are closed to the idea of open adoption. I don't blame them. I was one of them. It just takes time to join the adoption world and see the beauty. I have a friend and I am pretty sure she is trying to be so so very open but it is hard on her to think it being so open.

Honestly our situation is perfect for us. We have communication and boundaries and we love another. If they wanted a break from me as they have asked for I will give it to them just as they respect me the same way. I JUST LOVE THEM. Baby is so blessed to have his parents. I wish I could take all the stereotypes and worries and bully's away from him but I can't. He will have to fight for himself. It worries me that one day he will have to defend me. That he will have to stand up for his parents. We do live in a wicked world and we also live in a world where people are learning just how I am learning. I do't have all the answers I just have some of them because God has whispered them to my soul.

May we all love another, no matter what situation they are in.

For we are nothing if we don't have charity.

 1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not ^acharity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

 2 And though I have the gift of ^aprophecy, and understand all^bmysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the ^apoor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/1-cor/13.1-3?lang=eng

the temple

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I was just writing my little baby's mommy and I forgot about an awesome experience I had on Saturday. I went to the temple and I was given 5 names and 3 of the names had his middle name in it. It made my heart SWELL. I just couldn't help but be so happy that I could be helping people that were related to him. He has a common middle name and it more then likely isn't his relatives but just maybe it is.

baby's mommy was telling me how he loves music and that makes me happy. I knew he likes church music but I wasn't sure about the other. I am so glad. I think music is amazing. I don't really know if your interests are related but his birth dad likes music and so do I.

I know his mommy likes it and I am glad she plays it for him.

I LOOOVE him so much and I am grateful nothing is just by chance. Tender mercies surround us constantly.

I haven't really been sad for a long time. Last night I started to feel sad and then I just started praying and reciting scriptures in my head and I felt God wrap His arms around me and the atonement heal me a little more.

I am mean to feel sad, I am meant to feel and I am happy when I do. Sometimes I start to get worried that I should be more sad like I was in July but really I am THRILLED!

I want to be the Martin Luther of Adoption and birth moms.

I want to be the one that stand for truth and though I stand for truth I will get burned and beat with words and hurt but it will be those few people that I touch.... I am just not ready to do that yet. Hopefully soon. HOPEFULLY!

The Will of God

dear second family

as we know nothing was perfect but I thank you for all you did for me. For giving me hope and love. for praying and fasting. I am thankful for everything.

I wish you could see my heart. I wish you could know and understand. I just am not perfect. Things I did at the end were not what a perfect person would do but the end result was perfect. I hope you know that. I hope and pray that you will have your baby, I pray that you can have him with your body and if not that you will find that special someone who needs you and who the Lord ties your hearts too.

I feel sad about what happened and i am starting to grief that as i have grieved my baby and placing him. I know that this earth is beautiful and hat sometimes things aren't fair. Just as it isn't fair that on my first time I got prego and that it was with someone who didn't want to take a chance one me. It isn't fair that there is infertility, it isn't fair I don't have a husband who loves me and holds me at night or holds my hand. It isn't fair that I give birth and feel so absolutely right about placing my son into another family to grow up without me.

Life isn't fair. You are absolutely right and what you wrote on your facebook about me wasn't fair either.

Who I choose and what I chose for my son is my business and you didn't deserve anything more then that. The entire time you knew that things could change and if I was meant to single parent you were okay with that but you weren't okay with him going into the family Heavenly Father choose for him or that the baby choose.

I had to delete you from facebook because it was to hard. I couldn't see that you were writing about me, blogging about me and such. I think in a different world we will be able to be freinds again but this is to much.

I wonder if you read this blog or if you laugh when I am sad or cry when I am sad. I wonder if you think I am a terrible person and yet none of that matters.

The Lord matters. I need to soften my heart for the Lord.

I truly truly want the best for you.

I hope you don't go through anymore heart ache but sometimes that is what we have to go through. It is what the lord wants for us.

You once posted this and I couldn't help but think of this every time.

http://youtu.be/Rr8xvw0cgw0

"May God sustain you in your striving to meet His high expectations and grant you a full measure of the happiness and peace that naturally follow. I know that you and I can become one with God and Christ. Of our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son and the joyous potential we have because of Them, I humbly and confidently bear witness in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

“As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten”

D. TODD CHRISTOFFERSON

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Wonderful mama kisses

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I honestly have the best set up ever. I feel so loved by how beautiful my situation is. Honestly though, it isn't about me, it is just part of the beauty. I was supposed to get together this week with the family but BOTH of our schedules aren't working out and as selfish as it is I hope I have a date on Saturday and I need to focus on myself as much as I would love to stalk the baby and his family because in general they are by far one of the cutest adorable families and my heart is there..... BUT I need to find my lover.

The family told me that they pray for me each night to find a husband. I love them. PLEASE everyone join in the cause. I am really willing to do whatever the Lord wants though. I know it is safest for my heart, body and mind to heal and be at a good place with grieving before anything but I think with someone and with being a nice strong( strong in the Lord and in stature would be nice ;) ) man, excuse me, real man would be super nice to be WITH.

The lovely babies mom text me and asked if she could come get a mama alice kiss. I LOVE her. It was the best "smoke break" ever. At first it was nice to be with baby and I needed some times with him. I just haven't got to hold him and kiss him enough the past times I have seen him and it felt good to do that. Then I missed her. She melts my heart and treats me like an equal. I looooove her.

I think adoption is hard, I think everything is hard. Being a mom is hard, watching someone be a mom is hard. Honestly though this is the best situation ever.

Dear baby,

It was so nice to see you yesterday. Your mom said that you are going to print some of the letters off from this and I wanted to make sure you know how loved you are. I have so many friends that love me and took care of me and they now ask about you. They ask if you are doing good and if your parents are wonderful. Do you know how loved and wanted you are. SO SO SO many families wanted you. I wanted you and through the searching and the praying our sweet, wonderful and merciful Father in Heaven planted your parents in my mind. I KNOW without any doubt whatsoever that you were meant to be with them.

I tell my friends how I get to see you and hold you. I love your cute feet and I love your sweet cheeks, strong hands, blue eyes, pretty tongue, long body, adorable belly button and pretty skin. I love your soul. When you were in my belly I didn't get to see your beautiful body I felt it and soon came in tune with you. This is what you loved the most, church, church meetings like institute which is a church meeting during the week, church music from the organ, you love your right foot rubbed, you always would rub it against my right side almost by my ribs, you never kicked those, thank you ;) you loved healthy food and you loved some of my friends. One of my friends always wanted to feel you kick but you would always fall asleep whenever she was around haha.

You didn't love scary movies. They always woke you and I would have to stroke your foot so you could calm down.

You are a precious baby with many gifts and you are full of hope and love. I felt it with you. The spirit loved being with you and so we had to make good choices so it wouldn't leave us. The spirit was constantly with us till you wen't with your mom and dad and I went with my mom. The spirit has not left me unless I have chosen to have him leave because I was so sad that I wasn't with you and then I got a blessing from your dad and the spirit came with me again.

Listen to the Spirit baby. He will tell you who needs you and where you are needed. Please always keep the spirit with you. You have loved the spirit since conception or since you came with me in my body.

I love you and can't wait to see you again.

Oh and I wanted to tell you this. I know one day I will have a husband and children. I want you to know you gave me that hope and love and desire stronger then I have ever had it. You changed me. You made me a better person. You made me love more deeply then ever. I will love my husband and I will love my children and you will always be as loved as my other children. Please know that I love you. Please know that your parents love you.

Whenever you want to know anything ask them and they can ask me or you can.

Baby, adoption is beautiful.

When I was a young girl I loved to read. I read the most in my county many times and I couldn't stop. I read books about people who were adopted and always wanted to me. Once I even thought I was. HAHA my mom thought I was going crazy. The truth is, we are all adopted because I went from Heavenly Father to my moms belly and you went from Heavenly Father to my belly to your mamas arms.

It makes me sad sometimes that you weren't able to be in your mamas belly. It bothers me a great deal because I loved having you in my belly so much but know that she would have done anything to have you in her belly too. She wanted you to grow there too. I think she has come to peace that you needed to come to me and I have come to peace almost that you needed to change me too.

I imagine you reading this and I hope you understand and have the spirit with you or after you read it the spirit burns in your soul just how it burns in my soul as I type.

You were born so strong and you will forever be strong as you choose to be faithful. Please always be faithful to the Lord for He will never leave you.

I love you forever my sweet boy who I love,

Mama Alice

man of steel

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I shouldn't be shocked that I didn't get any emails as in my last request to know if I am helping anyone. I guess I am not and that is okay. This blog helps me well enough for all of us.

My poor sister read it and said how said she was for me. I was going through a TOUGH time. I keep saying I should go through a tough time and I should feel these hard things.

I AM SERIOUSLY so happy though. I am very blessed right now and I think that I went through some past few years of heart ache that I am either going through a hard time and I just don't know it because the other things were so hard it was INSANE or I am just going through the calm before the storm.

Tonight I went to man of steel and as much as I loved it, it being about adoption I though about how I died on Krypton and sent my son to earth for him to have other parents. (there were tender parts and it may have been one of the first movies I cried in) I loved that he loves his parents on earth and wanted to know his parents on Krypton.

Dear baby,

I PROMISE I did everything for you to know that you would be in the best place possible. I don't think that this life is going to be easy but this life is just what we are suppose to have in it. I promise, if there was a way that I could keep you and know that it was right I would have. You being with your mom and dad is the best thing that I could do for you and it is EXACTLY what God wanted for you. Even writing this now I feel is so strong in my heart.

You are nothing slight of being a miracle child. You are. You are my dream. When you stayed with me the 3 days and nine months before I was in heaven. I was seriously so happy. We were buddies and you were never far from me. When we slept at my house the first night you slept on my right and i just held you. Sometimes I will put a pillow there and pretend it is those first few days and that you are still with me.

Other times I look at the picture of Jesus in my room and you have the same one and I think of how you can see it just like I can.

I know your mommy and daddy love you. You are just who they need. They are just complete for you.

My hear it burning with love for you, your mom, your dad and your future siblings. It burns for the future wife you will have, the future family you will have and the future love you will give to the Lord.

You have always been on the Lords side.

When you were in my belly you loved all the church things we would go to. I felt it so so strong. You have a spirit that loves the Lord. Stay by Him.

I might not have all the answers but the Lord does and in time He will answer you.

I love you forever and with each visit I see you I love you more and more.

With love in my heart.


Your mama Alice.