Saturday, December 8, 2012

dear family i really like


Dear family,

My name is Alice, I am almost 10 weeks pregnant and have decided to place my baby for adoption. I have been working with Charity and the other night she gave me your adorable book that you 3 made. I was so excited to read more about you that I went to your blog, your profile and looked through a few of your instagram pictures.

This is a unique situation for me and nothing I have ever planned on but I am here for the long haul and hope to find the family that is perfect or complete for the baby. I haven't really told to many people so if you don't mind keeping everything hush hush I would really love that.

I have some questions about you guys. With your child being your biological daughter why did you decided to adopt and when? What have been your thoughts about adoption and why are you ready for that? I 

Do you have any questions for me?

Thanks, 

Alice


Am I crazy or am I crazy.

I typed up the letter a few days ago. I don't know what got into me writing that I want them to keep it hush hush but I am nervous they will know someone I know or something and tell someone. I know it is silly but sometimes the world is VERY small.

What I like about the mom

She likes the goose girl. It is is the best book ever. She seems to be an amazing mom and she had the post on her blog from her child's birthday that made me want to be 4 and get an invitation!

The dad seems like a dad, outdoorsy and seems to love his wife and child.

The child is adorable and needs a sibling. We all do right?

At first I was thinking of a family that didn't have any children, now I like the idea they can have siblings. 

Oh boy, I hope this was a good decision and there is no heart ache for either party.

hardest people to tell best support

I like to portray I am perfect. We all know nobody is perfect. I personally think girls that get pregant get a BAD wrap and I might have been one of the girls who thought this once upon a time. What can I say Karma is not nice. Or my choices have really started to change me.

Either way telling the guy friend wasn't to much of a big deal. He ignored me for 2 days and then everything was mostly back to to normal. I could tell it was alot for him to take in.

Telling the best friend was somewhat hard too but she was very accepting and is still a big support.

Telling my cousin, whew, that was a tough one. Then the next day her husband and my cousin came over. I have been so grateful for them. They are really the biggest help through this. They know the perfect answer and they are going to help me through this in every way that they can.

We have been emailing and I love that. there is nothing better then writing how you feel and having someone to listen to it. She knows how it feels to be pregnant, she knows what to do and he knows that John is a jerk and needs a talking to ahahah

Everyone needs to know the secrets to being pregnant. Everyone.

I don't want to be a burden to anyone though and if I am a burden it is them. I should be sending them money every week for being such a emotional support. I REALLY owe them.

It is funny though, the hardest people to tell are really the biggest supporters. They love you and want you happy. Maybe telling my mom wouldn't be so bad after all. We'll see. For now though I don't want to tell her and I won't unless she comes here and then she will see the writing on the wall.


Last night

Last night I slept from 10 PM to 10 AM that is another side affect to the meds. It makes you SO sleepy.

I woke up around 1:30 AM when my medicine was wearing off. I felt the most horrible feeling in my tummy. I really thought I must be miscarrying. I could feel this squeezing and cramping. Everything felt so tight. I went to the bathroom and there was no blood and then I urinated and the tightness relieved it self.

Basically my bladder being so full was causing everything to ache and hurt.

I am in my 9th week and almost 10th. I have been prego for 1/4 of the time and I was just feeling the beginning. When I don't take my meds at night I wake up ALOT and then I pee throughout the night. This is a consequence of the medicine  Feel good sleep great until your everything is pushing on another and you feel like you might explode.

Awesome.

Alice

Obviously my name isn't Alice.

Why did I choose this name?

I was thinking about famous people I love, thinking about books and thinking about other things and I thought of Alice Cullen.





I love her in the movie and the book. She is just down to earth and really wants the for everyone. I also love her lover, Jasper. They compliment another perfectly.


Then I looked up the meaning of Alice.

The name Alice is of German origin.
The meaning of Alice is "of a noble kind".  
It is also of Greek origin, where its meaning is "truthful" and English origin, where its meaning is "noble".


http://www.ourbabynamer.com/meaning-of-Alice.html

I liked truthful. I really am being truthful through this and I feel like I am being noble to write it too.

So cheers to Alice . the Alice that is me telling how I feel till July and the baby comes.


the first meeting and meeting Charity

I was apprehensive about meeting Charity. I did feel like I was being tossed around a little and I felt so loved and supported by the first two that I met.

I walked into the end of the meeting. Long enough to see two other very girls pregnant, I was thinking how I would never be able to hide that from my coworkers. Then all the sudden _________ said that we should all introduce ourselves again.

Everyone was looking at me.

I haven't told hardly this amount of people and especially in a group setting.

This was horrible.....

"Hi my name is Alice."

___________ asks "How far along are you?"

I lost my mind... ugh how far was I?... I can't see the doctor till I am ten weeks and that appointment is coming up.. ughh " I am around 8 or 9 weeks, I think" How do I not know the answer to that question?

"Are you single parenting or are you placing?" asked by one girl who was extremely pregnant

"I am planning on placing because I don't want to deal with the father the rest of my life, he is crazy"

As I am turning red in the face all I can think is I am telling all 15 of these strangers about my life. I haven't even told my mother.

Then everyone went around the room and told a bit of their situation, it was a very nice feeling. They all had their own situation and differences. I loved them but wasn't comfortable enough to talk to them.

Charity and I were supposed to meet after the group meeting. She wasn't in the meeting. Then she said hi and we went to another room and she told me to make myself comfortable and asked if a girl with blonde hair an intern could join us. I said yes.

I didn't feel a connection with Charity. She seemed to not believe me and want to push me.

She asked why I wanted to place and what benefits I saw.

I told her why, it is the obvious answer to me. I don't want the baby to grow up around John who smokes weed, drinks and wants to raise the baby as friends.

We talked about a lot of stuff. She then told me that I should tell my mom. I don't want to tell my mom I told her. She said eventually I will need that support on a hard day. I couldn't decided if I liked Charity and as I was thinking that. She said that her job is to help support me and see if I am making decisions for the right reasons.

I told her I wasn't sure if I liked her or not. She kinda smiled and so did i. I

By then my medicine was wearing off and I was not feeling good.

Charity brought me some hard copies of people in the area that are looking to adopt.

She said that this one girl looked like me. I thought so too.

When I got home I read all these books. The last one and the girl that looked like me was my favorite. I emailed Charity.

She emailed me back.

I liked her now. She seemed to say all the right things on the email and make me feel better about it all. She even thought it would be good for me to contact the girl that looked like me. I emailed Charity back and I haven't heard from her. I am waiting and praying to know if this is right.




The basics

I knew I should have had a period by November first. I knew it and my body knew it. I didn't though. I had all the signs; sorest boobs, cramping and the mood swings. No period came. I had told my guy friend everything. He thought I was pregnant. I told him no way. There was no way.

Day 4
Day 5
Day 6
Day 7

We went shopping on November 7th and I looked at the price of a pregnancy test. I thought it was WAY to much, who would spend 9 dollars on this!? Dropped him off with his groceries  Went to the dollar store. Bought one. Came home. I was going to prove my guy friend wrong. I couldn't be pregnant.

It came out positive.

Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh~ That is all i could say for the next 2 hours

I texted John, Hey are you busy, I have something very crazy to talk to you about.
his response, How crazy?
my response, very crazy, i have missed my period so I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive.

I went to Walgreen's and bought 6 more. Thirty dollars was nothing to spend if I was really wasn't prego! First 3 tests positive, John was on the phone with me at the time, i told him I was going to take another and he said he couldn't handle the suspense. We hung up and said we would talk later again.

The guy friend came over I convienced him to take a prego test. All 6 of mine were positive and his was negative.

The next day John had texted me, he wanted to confirm with a doctor.

I called the doctor and basically if you aren't on the HGC diet then that confirms it.

Grrrrrr

How could this be. With John of all people. We had met 6 years ago and now just one night of seeing another this was the result. He was the worst person I could have ever chosen to do this with. After talking to him for a few weeks. We both didn't want to marry another and though he doesn't know, I am seeking adoption.

He told me that he doesn't want to hear from me unless I miscarry or until the baby is here and there is a paternal test taken. John is the worst.

I met with an agency a few weeks ago.

The two ladies I met with answered a million questions and were so supportive of me. They seemed to have my back and want to do all they can to support me. They told me they wouldn't be meeting with me but that they would setting me up with another lady who was awesome.

Can I also say being pregnant is awful? People really don't know how awful it is.

It is AWFUL! I feel horrible, I am nauseated 24/7. I have lost 15 pounds. I can't stand to eat. I throw up if I smell Mexican food. Even now I am getting sick just thinking about it. I have been trying to find tricks to help me cope. I am taking promethazine, it usually helps. I take it every 6 hours. The last 30 minutes I can feel it wearing off and then it takes about 30 minutes for it to kick in. So, for that hour I am on death row, I want to lay down and just not move.

I hate the grocery store. Every time I go I feel like I am going to die. There are SO many smells. SO many. I have thrown up after going there and then that is all the food I ate and all the water I have drank so I have to force it all down again.

I don't want to tell ANYONE! I was a virgin before this and now I am not.

I have told the guy friend. I have told my best friend. I then told my cousin and spouse.

Why am I telling you?

I love to write and I would have loved to read this a year ago. It may never go public or I might go private but these are things I wish I could tell everyone because going through this is hard.

I feel like the most unloved person. I feel like I should be shunned. I feel like nobody should have to be around me and my influence. That part is starting to wear off now that I have known for a month and one day. I feel like I will be loved again and I have hope.