Thursday, January 8, 2015

Happy half birthday sweet guy

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I want to tell everyone my secret. I just love where it is at and I am sick of pretending. It gets so hard after a while to hold onto this secret. I want to post a picture wishing my sweet little boy a happy half birthday. Last night I went through the book I made us... him and me. It really helps to relive things with that book even though it was very emotionally exhausting to make. I just felt like just in case I died I had to make it.

To the sweet little guy who loves the potty and who is such a sweet little guy giving back hugs and kisses even to me, your mama britt. It is so nice to be loved. OH I love playing with you and chasing you around the table. I love that you like to be with me. It is very comfortable. I love that you are so smart and cute and I am sorry for the milk allergy and the eczema. The older you get the more I see myself in you. I use to think you looked like your birth dad. Really, I think now, you look like your mom with your big eyes  and face shape and your dad (you resemble another but I don't know how and me. I think you have your birthdads eye shape but you have my coloring and my hair and really you look very much like me right now.. I think you are so cute. I want to kiss you constantly when I am with you. I am so glad that your mom and dad let me come and sleep over two weeks ago. It was really nice. I slept in the room across from yours and as I fell asleep I could hear you cough and it was the best sound in the world to be so close to you. I woke up from 5 to 7 and I listened to you. Being your bith mom I had you physically with me for so long, physically being with you is a treasure. Sometimes I wish I was a kangaroo and could just put you in my pouch and have you with me forever. God had a different plan for both us, he wanted you to come through me to your mom and dad and then have all three of us. We all love you in different ways and really in the same ways too. Your so very special. It's crazy to think that my mom ever thought of me as much as I think about you. After a year of you being born I don't think about you sleeping or your bed time anymore, that was painful and hard. I always wanted you, you must understand. It is deeper then that. Holidays are so hard without you, so so hard. I love you baby boy- Happy half birthday.

Today is my sweet little cousins birthday so it is hard for me to not remember this date. Dates are so important to me. Times and dates. I have a odd brain that loves numbers. I love writing but I am a terrible speller and grammar gal.

Today I texted your mom sweet little boy and told you happy half birthday and she said she would hug and kiss you from me. I do think of you.

Did you know last night I told the millionth boy that I want to date about you. It is always a somewhat weird thing to tell someone. Their reactions can be so different. Some guys want ever detail about your birth dad, some guys want to just accept it and just go on with life and talking about other things, some ask about the medical side of it and that is fun to talk about. Some ask about the now. All their questions kinda show me what type of interest they have in me and they also show their empathy. It also shows their openness level.

I wasn't supposed to be in a situation to get pregnant before I got married but I made some choices that got you. That is always a hard thing.

Lots of thoughts.

This has nothing to do with your birthday but I want to write about this.

When I meet the next boyfriend that I get I have to be a hero for having you and I have to be put on a pedestal. If not, they aren't going to be strong for me when I need them. I hope I can remember that. I want my challenges to be the things that build me into who I am now. I don't mean it to sound selfish.

Well my dear boy and sweet readers I hope your day is amazing. I love you all. It has been discouraging without my x and the future that I wanted with him and the future children I wanted with him but that wasn't in the cards. Now I have to hope for the future again, to hope that I will have a husband and future children.

I am hoping! I am dating and trying to find him.

I am also working on forgiving myself... still.

Little boy- you have to always love me. That is a rule. If you ever want to hurt me that will hurt me.... I guess I will try to prepare for that.

XOXO

mama alice