I remember being prego November 2012 and asking Charity ( my caseworker) if adoptive parents ever say no. She said maybe 1% but not to worry.  I was so worried about that and then when I had found the first family and then they told me no (because they were prego with their cute girl a day after me) I was Devastated. I felt like we broke up. It was tough.

The second family I ended things with on father's day, I still feel bad about that if you ever read this- but I always wondered how they felt. I always hoped and pretended in my head that they got prego. Hopefully they did.

Anyway. What I have been thinking about.

Little boy was going to get a cute little sister from Indiana but the birth mom decided to go a different route. She choose to keep her little girl in the same state as her. She called me on the phone a few weeks ago and she cried and I had never talked to her before. I told her she had to do what she felt 100% on and nobody could talk her in or out of it. If she felt 100% that she needed to do something else then she should. Doesn't make it easy on us that were so excited for a baby girl to come into the family I love so much but I do support the birth mom and whatever she chooses I hope she is 100%.

I love that adoptive mom was SO cool about it even though it is a horribly hard thing.

It is a odd feeling, being told no. I love this family. We are really close and closer since I got married and my husband has a 3 year old who is 6 months older then little boy and they play and since we had a baby. We are just in the same group, family group. My husband loves them as we all do and I think they love us - haha they do. We are more friends then birth mom.

So on Labor day we went to Seven Peaks with them. Adoptive mom took care of little E (our 4 month old) and she loved it and we loved it. She is so good with everyone especially babies. I mean that so much. She just makes everyone feel like they are the most important thing in the world. I loved talking to Adoptive dad while we picked tomatoes. That was maybe my favorite talk I have ever had with him. The first thing that little boy said when I walked in was we aren't getting a baby sister anymore then he called E baby sister all day and we had to keep saying no baby brother. E will be a great little half bro for little dude. I am sure they will love playing soon. :)

Well, just an update that "we aren't getting a baby sister" and it is hard but we are grateful for what we have and we will trust in God.

Writing is so therapeutic for me.

WRITE everyone. I will read-

Love MaMa Britt.

PS I just got the CUTEST video of little guy from his darling mom. (adoptive mom)

I need to start using initials because it is cray. :)

An Adoption Poem

I saw this on pinterest when I was feeding little E (my baby with my husband) and I couldn't help but screen shot it and send it for Alice to write about. It is so weird being on this side of adoption from where I use to be. I use to hate adoption. I had negative feelings towards it. I only knew a handful of people really in it and none were open and they weren't really good. Yet I specifically remember in high school learning about it in health class and learning about surrogates and thinking how I would for sure do that for someone (my goodness is being prego tough and my husband doesn't want me to do it because of our marriage ahahah I am quite moody as a prego and I want 4 kids 5 pregnancy's so by then i will be too old anyways) but I remember reading this and this is too wordy but it is my preface or addtion to that picture above. I remember reading that poem and thinking how lucky I am that I am so sure that my baby's sweet mama truly feels like this or so I hope because I never want to offend anyone and i don't want anyone taking it wrong.... blah. 

Okay so I love that I can feel only happiness when I read this. Pure happiness. 

Second thing- what we watch, listen to and are friends with DO affect us. 

I just saw this movie and now I see everything from the views of a mother and I will have to say this movie was a good one and I don't want to ruin it for anyone but that is that. 

Third-

I don't know why I am going through so many emotions or thoughts (all good) but it is just exciting to have another join the family but I have to say this over and over. No regrets. I am SO SO SO SO happy with everything. My husband, drives me nuts. Our sweet baby, drives me nuts. His daughter and my step daughter drives me nuts but I couldn't be the mother I am today without the husband that I have. I could never be the mother I am to our son that I could have been to the baby I placed for adoption that Summery day. I would be a mess and though I had things in order in my life I didn't have a father for my baby that would love me, support me, do ALL the bottle and pump dishes, I wouldn't have a garage or someone to carry in ALL the groceries EVERYDAY and I wouldn't have a husband that rubs my feet or teases me or holds the baby for an hour plus and gives me a break, I wouldn't have a man that kisses me or snores in bed like he is doing now. Being pregnant and single was tough. I had lips that bled because I was so sick and I had TOUGH times being alone with that but that wouldn't compare to what I would be doing now. 

For me, I am a better mother because of the husband that hugs me and kisses me and prays with me. 

I support EVErYONE and the choices that they feel they should do is right in their deepest part of their hearts but God spoke to me. He spoke quietly as He whispered in my mind I wonder about them... I wonder how they would feel about adoption. I went to her (adoptive mommy's) facebook many times to see any signs of it. I saw her share a thing on 1 in for 4 families have conception challenges and I remember going to that a few times to see her posts or comments but there wasn't anything. I was scared to ask her about it because I didn't want to offend her. I remember our AMAZING friend told her the morning of that I wanted to ask her about how they felt. that June day before Fathers day. (awful timing for the second family I chose but perfect timing for the family that little man went to too) God works in mysterious ways.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

I feel terrible at times for people and want to save them but they are saved. Thank you sweet Jesus, my brother, my friend and my beloved. 

I am a natural believer in Him. The world doesn't make sense without Him for me. I know He lived on earth, He atoned for us and He died and was resurrected. He is there, thinking and writing this I feel the warmth in my bosom. 

Hilary Weeks - He'll Carry You

rry You

He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn't face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he's never left your side
Chorus:
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
He'll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he'll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again
Chorus:
And when there are moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
He hears you when you're crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures
Chorus:
That in the moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you



He hears you when you're crying in the night
I sing this one line to myself.... I hear it in my mind, God sings it to me a little different then this song, more firey and passionate but I love it. HE HEARS YOU.

A few years ago my best guy friend and I were on a walk in St George and I threw my hands in the air with frustration and yelled TAKE ME NOW. I was at a low point in my life. We laugh about it then and now and I am so glad He didn't take me. Hang in there, the road is long but it is SOOO worth it. All trials lead to something better. SOme I am still waiting for the light but it will come, it always has for me looking back.

XOXO

MAMA ALICE

Oh and dearest sweet July baby boy- You melt my heart. I love that sweet voice of yours and I can't help but love you, all of you. You will be the BEST brother ever. I will never forget the love you had for your half baby brother and saying you were excited to give him hugs and kisses (all the while his half sister and my step daughter was saying he could sleep in the trash can, don't worry she has warmed up to him) but you will really be the best older brother. You are tough, strong, loving and you will be the best brother she could EVER have. I just know it. Thanks for being the spirit you were before this life and thanks for taking the moments to grow. You are blessed with great parents on this earth that LOVE you beyond doubt. I talked to your dad today and he just LOVES you. I talked to you today too and I just LOVE your voice. I talked to your mommy and she just loves her family. I can't wait to one day see you have a family and see who you become. There are hardships in our lives but really your life is so good in that car bed Mr Cutie. I LOVE YOU Baby boy

Mind your own womb article

I read the best blog a few months ago and it really spoke to me. It was here.
Or read below- (https://nadirahangail.com/2016/05/25/mind-your-own-womb/)

Mind your own womb May 25, 2016N. Angail

Somewhere there is a woman: 30, no children. People ask her, “Still no kids?” Her response varies from day to day, but it usually includes forced smiles and restraint.

“Nope, not yet,” she says with a chuckle, muffling her frustration.

“Well, don’t wait forever. That clock is ticking, ya know,” the sage says before departing, happy with herself for imparting such erudite wisdom. The sage leaves. The woman holds her smile. Alone, she cries…

Cries because she’s been pregnant 4 times and miscarried every one. Cries because she started trying for a baby on her wedding night, and that was 5 years ago. Cries because her husband has an ex-wife and she has given him children. Cries because she wants desperately to try in vitro but can’t even afford the deposit. Cries because she’s done in vitro (multiple rounds) and still has no children. Cries because her best friend wouldn’t be a surrogate. “It would be too weird,” she said. Cries because her medication prevents pregnancy. Cries because this issue causes friction in her marriage. Cries because the doctor said she’s fine, but deep inside she knows it’s her. Cries because her husband blames himself, and that guilt makes him a hard person to live with. Cries because all her sisters have children. Cries because one of her sisters didn’t even want children. Cries because her best friend is pregnant. Cries because she got invited to another baby shower. Cries because her mother keeps asking, “Girl, what are you waiting on?” Cries because her in-laws want to be grandparents. Cries because her neighbor has twins and treats them like shit. Cries because 16-year-olds get pregnant without trying. Cries because she’s an amazing aunt. Cries because she’s already picked out names. Cries because there’s an empty room in her house. Cries because there is an empty space in her body. Cries because she has so much to offer. Cries because he’d be a great dad. Cries because she’d be a great mother, but isn’t.

Somewhere else is another woman: 34, five children. People say to her, “Five? Good lord, I hope you’re done!” And then they laugh… because those types of comments are funny. The woman laughs too, but not in earnest. She changes the subject, as she always does, and gives the disrespect a pass. Just another day. Alone, she cries…

Cries because she’s pregnant with another and feels like she has to hide the joy. Cries because she always wanted a big family and doesn’t see why people seem so disturbed by it. Cries because she has no siblings and felt profoundly lonely as a child. Cries because her Granny had 12 and she’d love to be just like her. Cries because she couldn’t imagine life without her children, but people treat her like they’re a punishment. Cries because she doesn’t want to be pitied. Cries because people assume this isn’t what she wanted. Cries because they assume she’s just irresponsible. Cries because they believe she has no say. Cries because she feels misunderstood. Cries because she’s tired of defending her private choices. Cries because she and her husband are perfectly capable of supporting their family but that doesn’t seem to matter. Cries because she’s tired of the “funny” comments. Cries because she minds her own business. Cries because she wishes others would mind theirs. Cries because sometimes she doubts herself and wonders if she should have stopped two kids ago. Cries because others are quick to offer criticism and slow to offer help. Cries because she’s sick of the scrutiny. Cries because she’s not a side show. Cries because people are rude. Cries because so many people seem to have opinions on her private life. Cries because all she wants to do is live in peace.

Another woman: 40, one child. People say to her, “Only one? You never wanted any more?”

“I’m happy with my one,” she says calmly, a rehearsed response she’s given more times than she can count. Quite believable. No one would ever suspect that alone, she cries…

Cries because her one pregnancy was a miracle. Cries because her son still asks for a brother or sister. Cries because she always wanted at least three. Cries because her second pregnancy had to be terminated to save her life. Cries because her doctor says it would be “high-risk.” Cries because she’s struggling to care for the one she has. Cries because sometimes one feels like two. Cries because her husband won’t even entertain the thought of another. Cries because her husband died and she hasn’t found love again. Cries because her family thinks one is enough. Cries because she’s deep into her career and can’t step away. Cries because she feels selfish. Cries because she still hasn’t lost the weight from her from her first pregnancy. Cries because her postpartum depression was so intense. Cries because she can’t imagine going through that again. Cries because she has body issues and pregnancy only exacerbates it. Cries because she still battles bulimia. Cries because she had to have a hysterectomy. Cries because she wants another baby, but can’t have it.

These women are everywhere. They are our neighbors, our friends, our sisters, our co-workers, our cousins. They have no use for our advice or opinions. Their wombs are their own. Let’s respect that.

~Nadirah Angail

Dear future birth mom...

Dear future birth mom to your daughter and to a sister to my sweet baby aka 3 year old-

I am first so excited to welcome you to the most lovely, real, spunky, safe family. I mean for real, you will never have to worry about the health of your baby emotionally or physically. Baby's dad is the most safe daddy you will ever meet, he is almost a nurse, he is a fireman and has the knowledgeable mother as a nurse. AWESOME. Baby's mommy is brilliant too, she is supports confidence, intelligence and kindness everywhere she goes.

These two are down to earth and that brother will be the sweetest brother ever.

I have to say, I always knew there would come a day that there might be another birth mom to join the club in this awesome family and I at first was not looking forward to it until this past year... I have wanted them to get prego or somehow have a baby. I know that this is the right thing. I could feel that it was a girl that you were prego with and I have this peace that everything will go well. I am SO excited to welcome you in and invite you to text me anytime. I am USUALLY a pretty good texter and somewhat good caller and a okay blogger these days but really welcome in.

Your sweet babe will be taken care of and though the pain of placing is unimaginable and unique to every birth mom, you will survive this! You can do hard things. God loves you and loves that sweet spirit inside of you. I feel the love and have been thinking about you off and on.

I want to write a million more things but guess what, my baby needs me. Somehow I am the only one that can put him so sleep these nights. Thank goodness for a wonderful husband who took care of him while I typed this.

XO

Mama Alice

PS- A few weeks ago before I knew you I was at Costco with my husband, our son and my step daughter and we saw the cutest sleepers. I got one for our son and one for his sister and I kept thinking, we know someone who is having a girl but I can't remember who so we got a 12 month one. God looks out for His children and he knows us. When I found out about you I knew who the outfit was for. XO


this isn't the exact one but close.... kinda- ha