I was a doula, kinda

page views 3596 amazing

1. A doula is a nonmedical person who assists a woman before, during, or after childbirth, as well as her spouse and/or family, by providing physical assistance, and emotional support.

I didn't know anything about birth before baby boy and really still don't that is why I am going to get reading so I can be a better doula for my cousin. I don't know if I ever picked a name for her. We will pick the letter J. So, J was there for the birth of baby boy. SO many memories of that. Getting to the hospital and laying on the ground in the parking lot to endure a contraction and then getting to the floor for having babies and then kneeling on a chair for a contraction. Then in the room... in the tub then pushing on my back (amazing), then the birth with watching this sweet boy coming out arms and legs open, here I am! That is what I remember.

I am really excited for J and her birth. Her husband will be there and we are going to help her have her birth experience.

This is a great website that I found
http://birthingbeautifulideas.com/?p=6497

SO I really loved having J involved with my birth because
1. I was more calm, she is a VERY calm and collective woman and she helped me be calm and collective.
2. Although I was nervous having her have to see my NAKED body it wasn't to much of a big deal. I mean really, birth is beautiful.
3. Having someone care about me to go to ALL the appointments with me, so I never felt alone. I didn't have a husband to come so I had my She daddy.
4. She went to all my Lamaze classes- SHE IS AMAZING!
5. Pushing on my back for 5 hours with all her strength then me saying push harder. I read that the uterus is putting 387 pounds of pressure on the body to get the baby out. AMAZING.

Honestly ever since she helped me have baby boy I have wanted to be there for her if she wanted me.

She had her class on Saturday and I was out of state and I feel bad that I couldn't go so we could practice the breathing. I hope her and her husband are practicing. I guess I should go up and practice that with her... it is an important thing to do.

I feel like the best way to be a support is to know the birth plan. She sent that to me today.




This is what I'm imagining/hoping for.

I get to the hospital and we walk around as long as possible. Maybe hang out with the ball for a while until I want to sit down. Then I'd like to go in the tub for a while. I hope to stay in the water until I'm getting ready to push. Today I spoke with the doctor and he said one way to help prevent tears is to breathe a lot during the pushing rather than pushing too hard/quickly. I hope to be able to do that. I also want to push in an upright position to try to avoid tearing. Maybe leaning over the squatting bar on the end of the bed.

I have a picture I'm bringing for a focal point. It's a picture of an ocean wave. I read something about finding music that helps you "ride the waves of contractions." I think this imagery will help me to deal with the pain, knowing that the contractions will come and go and will not last forever. I have some meditative music I plan to play. I hope that when I'm going through tough contractions that you and (husband) will help me by pushing on my back and talking me through them, taking a big cleansing breath at the beginning and saying things like (very, very softly), "It's building. You can do this... Okay you're about halfway through/over the peak... Almost done. You're doing great... Okay, breathe..." and finishing with a cleansing breath. I think having that coaching, soft voice guiding me along will help me feel supported and strong.


I need to type up what happened..... it was magical! I will soon. ;)

 

 It is February and I HAVE NOT WRITEN THIS DOWN. I am bummed with myself.
What is interesting is how I could imagine what was coming.

My cousin did amazing.

I saw her birth a baby.

I was almost perfect with the timing.

I am not good at watching people in pain but I LOVED being apart of her night. I knew she could have a baby without pain meds and she did amazing. I watched the baby come out and it was seriously something I don't think is describeable but it was the most spiritual, beautiful, touching, and amazing thing. She is my hero. She went from a 6 to a 10 in 30 minutes.

I got to hold him before her husband. She held him first then the nurses then me. I got to hold him. It was incredible!

Thank you for letting me wittiness such a miracle. Made my life that much better. I love you

 

a new best friend

I got the best compliment last week.

the adoptive mom lost her best friend and she said to me, I thought I do have a best friend, you.

Those weren't her exact words because I forgot to write it down and but that was the idea.

The other thing is she just called me because this the time she would normally call her best friend.

Her best friend was our mutual friend. It has been really really tough losing her. She was amazing, our friend. I love them both and can't wait to play ring around the rosy with them in heaven.

Life is hard. Life is full of ups and downs. Loosing baby boy then my x was really hard and loosing her is for sure hard.

Grieving is a familiar feeling. I have done this lots. Right now, where am I? I think I am back to denial. Or something. I just can't really believe it. I miss her, this lovely angel in my life.

 

Writing and music is how I heal. On my real blog I am writing up a STORM but I just can't seem to get over things. I can't get over the friend I had in common with the adoptive mom had to die. It really crushes me. Our friend would love that we are growing closer because of it. She would LOVE that but she would want to be here. What is life like after this life? Why do we have to be alone, I know she is with us. I want to run to her husband and wrap my arms around him. Oh that poor single dad. He said the other night, I am not a very good mother.

I don't think anyone thinks, I am a great mother. I think we are always progressing. I want to see life in the next year and see where he is. I want to see my life for heavens sake.

 

"Wings"(Single Digital Version)

Sunlight comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you

Under a trillion stars
We danced on top of cars
Took pictures of the stage
So far from where we are
They made me think of you
They made me think of you

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

I'm in a foreign state
My thoughts they slip away
My words are leaving me
They caught an aeroplane
Because I thought of you
Just from the thought of you

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives

If these wings could fly

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just wanna be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'd remember tonight
For the rest of our lives