Flowers

I remember getting home from with little baby pop rocks and then placement then we went to Idaho then we came back and their were flowers by my apartment door. Flowers. No name of who they were from but flowers. It was something that I don't know who they were exactly from but they were really pretty and they were so great.

Gifts are always such a nice gesture. To whoever gave me those, thank you.

gifts....

friendships, phone calls, those are gifts too.

my little baby is up..... got to go-

May first I read this and emailed myself a link to blog about...

I follow an instagram handle called lactation link. It motivates me to breastfeed and tips on it. They did a blog post the week of infertility stuff and I REALLY liked it.  I could use these tips in my own life but I thought about how they were so good. Even my gay friend loved them... these are here for us. I hope they touch you with whatever you are going through... /:)


https://lactationlink.com/blog/three-tips-infertility/\

Infertility. It’s something that you don’t expect to deal with when you think of your future. You get married, and then next come the babies when you’re ready. As I get older (and wiser with experience!), I’m learning that life has little surprises, valleys and hills along the way, and they help you learn and grow so that you can deal with the next hurdles with more grace.

My husband Tyler and I started trying to conceive and after a year with no success, we saw an infertility specialist. Three IUIs and 3 rounds of IVF later, we are at the other side with the arrival of our boy/girl twins, Harris and Goldie last year on July 13th! We climbed the mountain, we fell and got bruised and bled quite a few times, but eventually made it to the top. What I learned through the process is invaluable and I really wouldn’t change the experience because I know that what I learned will help me to be happier and more grateful for my life. It will help me to cope with my future challenges better. There are several habits that I developed to help me cope with the challenges of infertility, and I would love to share those with you if you happen to find yourself on this journey. I’m sure you never planned on it.

It’s not something that you prepare to cope for, so I want to share what helped me get through it.

My first habit can really be applied to anyone, in any situation. It’s simple.

1. Don’t get offended.

You are the only person that can decide how you feel and how you let others affect you. Sometimes people don’t know what to say when you are talking about infertility, so they end up saying, well, really dumb things! One of the things I heard was, “my husband and I can get pregnant the second we start thinking about it!” For me, it was comparable to me telling them that I was struggling financially, and then having them retort with, “I am so rich!! I don’t even know what to do with all of the money that I have!” It’s kind of funny when you actually think about it. Here’s what I thought to myself when I heard someone say insensitive things: First, their intentions were not ill-willed. Those who have not experienced infertility cannot possibly understand the heartache associated with it. I know I didn’t! I had no idea what it felt like until I experienced it, and it was a lot harder than I thought. In fact, after we started fertility treatments, I remember standing in my closet and sobbing for my friends who had struggled with infertility because I finally understood what they were going through. Be patient with others. None of us are perfect, and I would want someone to be patient with me because I’m sure I have said insensitive remarks in my lifetime without the slightest awareness that I had. Another thought? Even if a comment is ill-willed, who cares! I’m not going to give someone else the control over my happiness.

2. My second habit is to decide to be happy!

I learned a lot going through my first 3 IUIs and first 2 rounds of IVF, so by the time we did IVF for the 3rd time, I gave myself a break a lot more. We only get one life, and I didn’t want to regret looking back on my 20’s wishing for the days ahead. I want to look back on my life without regrets and I don’t want to waste it because I can’t rewind time and get it back. There is something good in each day, and I chose to look for those good things. I chose to focus on what I could do without children that would be more difficult to do if I did have them. My husband and I bought dirt bikes! Yes, I’m serious. We had a lot of fun during that summer while we took a break in trying to conceive. We only get today. We only get right now. Those are adventures that I am so glad I had with my husband. Every single person in this world has trials, and it’s how we choose to live in those trials that defines how happy we are. I decided that I wasn’t going to be a miserable person, and that was that. This does not mean that you can’t allow yourself to have bad moments or even bad days. You can cry and you can get mad. But then I want you to bounce back because you have the control of your life and you will get through this. In the end, you’ll look back, like me, and realize how much you learned. It will make motherhood even sweeter. Trust me in that. It’s so much sweeter after having gone through infertility. That’s the interesting thing about trials. Only through going through them can life’s experiences be so much more joyful and appreciated.

3. My last habit is to look around you for all of the incredible kindnesses of your friends and family.

I was amazed by how many people reached out when they found out that we were struggling with infertility. If you aren’t comfortable telling many people, at least let a few close friends or family stand by your side to help you through the process and you will be so grateful at the love and support that you see around you. Going through something difficult allows your eyes to be opened to some unbelievable goodness and I was so grateful that I got to see that.  In return, I would suggest that you spread kindness to others as well. Like I said, it’s hard to remember sometimes, but every single person is going through something hard. If you focus on brightening someone else’s day, it helps you to look outside of yourself and it lifts you up in return. It’s strange that helping others really helps you. So… if you’re feeling selfish and you want to feel good, go do something for someone else!

Top of the lake- my thoughts being a birth mom

First- there is quite a bit of nudity and sex. For me this doesn't really phase me because I dunno it isn't sexualized it is just part of the story. Even though I believe you should only have sex with your spouse and that is a connection you only want with your spouse although we are grateful that P came the way he did I am a firm believer that sex before marriage is hard on your soul, your family and you future family. There is nudity. For me bodies are BEAUTIFUL and amazing. I won't be joining a nudist colony anytime soon or ever but bodies are pretty. We were created by God. Again, save your for your spouse but I don't see all nudity as pornography. Everyone has their own pornography. For some it might be anyone in the nude, for me most nudity is art and I appriciate the beauty but it doesn't make me think ill thoughts, more so thoughts of how I would draw that or where the shadows are or the differences.....

There is bad language- again- culture. I don't like it but I like this story and what it made me feel as a birth mom so I watched it. for me, healing.

I really wish I could find someone who has see this movie and knows about me being a birth mom so I could discuss it with someone. My hubs isn't into it at all and I don't think he has tried to get into it but I don't see him getting into it. I love it.

Right now- nap time is normally when I watch an episode and fall asleep but it has been so long since blogging and there is so much on it I had to catch it up.

I am so attracted to this story.

The birth mom is a detective. I feel like our past experiences make us better people. Give it sad or happy experiences. She has lots of hurt but I feel like the person she is has made her a great detective. She is succesful. She was raped and placed her baby at 16. The baby, now 16 is writing her and she doesn't write back... they become close.

I have never really seen a show or movie with open adoption. That would be something worth writing about- ha here i am but I mean for a book. I would love to publish a book. I am so busy with babies right now that I am unable to do so. I keep wanting to though.

I can't seem to get some fire under me to write about this show and I am feeling tired but I am so glad for my story. It isn't perfect but it is at a great place.

XO

I don't want to forget these cute things

4 year olds are so so fun and you are no exception Mr. P. You are so cute and so great with your half little babies. E (16 month old) love being with you and really laughs so much. You are also a happy guy and always laughing, teasing, wrestling and watching out for those around you.

Your life is really good and it makes me so happy to see you happy.

I don't want to forget this cute thing that happened in August. You came over to meet your half baby sis and I was breastfeeding and you asked about it. (you asked about pumping on your birthday last year when I pumped in your room for E) Well, we were sitting over in the recliner as I was nursing sis and you said, "your my birth mom, she's my half sister, he's my half brother and he (pointing to my hubs C) he is my birth dad."

It was SO darling and my hubs has been going through some things with his step daughter and I know it made him so happy.

SOmeday you will realize C isn't your birth daddy and some other dude is but C will and does care for you. He love being with you and seeing you. He loves your parents and though at first it was kinda new for him he says it feels normal.

You are so lucky and we are so lucky that your parents and my family are so happy having all of us so close together.

If someday you (or your parents) don't want to be in our lives and you think we are silly we will understand but until then we are enjoying every moment.

My other favorite thing------

My family all lives out of state. It is really hard on me and sad for me. I talk to my mom often but it is hard to keep in contact with those you love if they don't live near by.

You and your mommy came to watch E and I for C and me to go on an anniversary dinner. When we got back I asked you what the best part of babysitting was and you said, "sitting" hahahahaha oh you made me laugh and laugh.

This is the note I sent your dad for Fathers day.

Happy Father's day J! I thought about you yesterday and really,  thank you for being the best dad to P. You two are so great. I will never forget the times when I was pregnant and came over sitting on the porch and you were waiting on C and me.  It's really endearing how kind you are.  P is a great little guy and will be an amazing man because of you.  You and C are great parents.  I will never and have never regretted placing him into you and C arms.  God is good and God knew.  Anyways,  it seems forever ago because now,  you guys feel like friends, it is blessed.  We miss you!  xo 


I love your family and I love you cute dude.

Love your birth mommy-

We live an adoption dream

It is crazy, in a world that is so complicated, so difficult and in a circumstance that is tough you would think that I wouldn't get along with my adopted family and visa versa. I think this is rare. I kind miss hearing about group and stats about stuff. Charity was the best thing ever that happened to me because she would keep my feeling normal when things were so crazy. Anyway, I am just so grateful for the normal relationship that I have with P and his family. It is like family friends though. We are lucky and it is rare.

I mean everything about it is just wild and I LOVE that.

I haven't received permission from J ( P's dad) but he called me to ask me about breastfeeding because he is a nurse. It was really fun to talk to him about it. We have such a great relationship. Like what other male have I talked to about breastfeeding and pumping? Nobody!

We all went to Hardware Ranch and it was SUCH a blast to be together. We are really so lucky and there was a moment that my step daughter was REALLY possessive of baby E and P was also possessive of him and saying he is my brother and they both were so cray about that. My step daughter doesn't realize who P is. I don't really want her telling her family who he is because he is sacred to me so we have told her a few times but she doesn't get it. She thinks that we C and I have always been married and her mom has always been single. The joys of a 4 year old.

I kept telling them, this is both of your brother. He is your half brother. He is half of each of you. They were BEYOND confused. It was funny. But they play together and that is such a relief! Soon they will have a little half brother running after them!

This is a must go!

https://wildlife.utah.gov/hardwareranch/

Abortion verse Adoption

This is really the most disturbing thing I've ever seen on my Facebook that any of my "friends" have ever posted. I couldn't be more baffled, shocked and disgusted. This is not what the human race has come to is it? 

Am I reading it wrong. Someone tell me I'm reading this wrong.  To me this says,  everybody is against abortion but if these women who abort their babies had them,  nobody would adopt. 

 

I wear alot of titles considering motherhood, birth mom, step mom and mom. I would adopt in a second,  if the circumstance was right and I felt good about it. I feel like their are a shortage of children that are placed for adoption.  I'm so close to writing on my fb page but I've already shared another post about when heart beat stops your considered dead but when your heart beat starts your not considered alive with any "rights".

Am I alone in this? Those babies,  this is just heart breaking!

 

Breaks your heart to think this is our society.

 

I remember before I even got prego and placed P that I noticed how HARD it was for people to adopt and scarce!

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html?referrer=https://www.google.com/

I sent this to myself a few months ago and never blogged about it

25 Things to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Living with Infertility

To Say:

1. 
   Let them know that you care. The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.
2. Do your research. Read up about infertility, and possibly treatments or other family building options your friend is considering, so that you are informed when your friend needs to talk.
3. Act interested. Some people don’t want to talk about infertility, but some do. Let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
4. Ask them what they need. They may also appreciate if you ask them what the most helpful things to say are.
5. Provide extra outreach to your male friends. Infertility is not a woman’s-centric issue; your male friends are most likely grieving silently. Don’t push, but let them know you’re available.
6. When appropriate, encourage therapy. If you feel your friend could benefit from talking to a professional to handle his or her grief, suggest therapy gently. If you go to therapy regularly, or ever have, share your personal story.
7. Support their decision to stop treatment. No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. 
8. Remember them on Mother's and Father’s Day. With all of the activity on Mother's Day and Father’s Day, people tend to forget about those who cannot become mothers and fathers. Remember your infertile friends on these days; they will appreciate knowing that you haven't forgotten them.
9. Attend difficult appointments with them. You can offer to stay in the waiting room or come into the appointment with them. But the offer lets them know how committed you are to supporting them. 
10. Watch their older kids. Attending appointments may be difficult if they have older kids at home.
11. Offer to be an exercise buddy. Sometimes losing weight is necessary to make treatments more effective. If you know they are trying to lose weight, you could offer to join them because it would help you achieve your personal fitness goals as well. 
12. Let them know about your pregnancy. But deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best.

Not To Say:

1. Don't tell them to relax. Comments such as "just relax" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
2. Don't minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. 
3. Don't say there are worse things that could happen. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
4. Don't say they are not meant to be parents. “One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, ‘Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother.’” Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
5. Don't ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.
6. Don't push adoption or another solution. So often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option.
7. Don’t say, “You’re young, you have plenty of time to get pregnant.” Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. Being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, but it does not guarantee success.
8. Don't gossip about your friend's condition. For some, infertility treatments are a very private matter, which is why you should respect your friend’s privacy. 
9. Don't be crude. Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like, "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
10. Don't complain about your pregnancy. For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend. 
11. Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility - infertility that comes after you’ve already had a child. 
12. Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. Male or female factor. Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details.
13. On the other hand, don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained

I am not perfect at any of these and more then anyone hopes for P to have a sibling. I am always sending my love to this lovely family. I also am so confused by the emotions that someone living with infertility go through.

I don't know how to always be so good at the dos and how to avoid the don'ts.

XO

having a baby after placing

I don't know if I have talked about this but it has been on my mind because I have had a friend messaging me about it.

It is kinda weird having a baby for you and your family after you have placed a baby. There is a certain emotional wall that has to be put up during placing. Like with P, I always called him baby pop rocks or baby boy. After the first year with P being placed I feel like the worst was behind me but a lot of the "triggers" are our there that you start to turn off. like for me.
I didn't like seeing
1. anyone with babies, especially boys and especially boys P's age
2. Seeing happy couples
3. going to family parties. ( I have a relatively large family and we do family gatherings and I hated going)

Those were the main things. Then as you see them more and more and more your heart gets a little harder and little more hard.

After meeting my husband C and marrying him then getting pregnant on our honeymoon it was pretty CRAZY! I was not a happy camper about it. I felt that shame and guilt again even though I was married. It was ALOT of mixed feelings I felt bad about. Here is was going to have a baby with my husband and I didn't like telling people I was prego, I didn't like people asking me about it and I didn't want to talk about it. THANK GOODNESS I had a husband that was willing to be the best cheerleader ever. He was SO excited he couldn't contain himself. That helped me get excited but I still went to the Dr's and kinda wanted to look around to see if everyone was married or was in my shoes years ago.

I am blessed it gave me a perspective that I will really never be able to replicate. That is a positive.

So those were my first emotions. It was needless lonely and hard. It was a challenge I didn't expect.

I also had the toll of having a INSANE step daughter that was in her TERRIBLE TWOS and that was hopeless too.  (she is now SO much better and really quite the angel but at the time I thought what were we thinking)

I don't regret having little E but it was hard going through such MIXED emotions.

Then came the challenge of preparing to be a mom. I don't remember exactly when this happened but it was also really quite an emotional challenge internally. I didn't really want to talk about it but I was BEYOND a protective mother but then what if he was born and I wasn't? I kept asking C my hubs about this and he kept telling me that he went through the same emotions with his daughter but he was right there to cheer me on hard core.

1. how was I going to breastfeed- I knew I wanted to but wow.
2. how were we going to wake through the night, I loved sleep
3. what about my relationship with my hubs, was that going to change how could we prevent that
4. what if I felt an emotional disconnect?

I never thought of post partum depression. I thought, if I could make it through placing a baby, I could make it through ANYTHING.

I got so much advice about being prego which cracks me up still because not many people know that I placed a baby.

The world really helped prepare me. Stanger's or acquaintances started asking me things. Baby room, this that. People asking oh is it your first baby.

Okay- one quick birth mom rant. I feel like "birth moms" are discredited because they didn't raise the baby. Yet all the emotions to scientifically connect you to the baby is there but you don't have that sweet baby to kiss, feed, change, hold.. I wonder how moms that loose (baby dies) their babies feel about this. are they not moms because they lost their baby? Maybe I am the only birth mom that feels like this.. who knows.

One other thing is round two is COMPLETELY different then round one. Having the baby, different. Emotions, different. I think that is for everyone having their second baby but

This is all that I want to write for now.