Remember my friend that passed away from Cancer? She is SO lovely. I met some of her friends at the funeral and the month before she passed and they invited me out last night to the most fun night and somehow I told someone I had a baby and placed him with baby's mom who everyone knows. They all went to a camp together. So cute right? (but I thought all of them knew but not everyone did, I almost got emotional.) Almost.
They are seriously so great. They made me feel so loved and wanted and like one of the girls yet I just met them. I would do anything for all of them. They are so good at making people feel so loved. Honestly I can't remember everyone's name but it was really fun.
I gave them this blog link after I kinda walked them through being prego and the journey of family 1 getting prego. Thinking about 3rd family through the pregnancy off and on but not connecting things till June. Then telling family 2 no through an email on Fathers day which I realize was so idiot of me but I didn't even think of it then.
Anyways- I am so thankful for people who care- We all need love. ALL OF US.
I got the most darling thing for baby boys mom for mothers day. BUT I HAVE BEEN SO WORRIED that she might hate it. It is a picture of the two of us kissing baby boy on Mothers day last year. It just arrived. I am kinda glad that she doesn't read the blog so I can write about surprises on here. I asked her sister if she thought she would love it or hate it. Her sister said she will love it well fingers crossed. If she doesn't like it She can give it back and I will hang it up somewhere. I got 16X20 which is kinda big I know but I couldn't help myself.
here is what it kinda looks like: Except we are standing. If you would like to see it text me. It is cute. and we are both girls. I searched 2 moms kissing baby and nothing came up. Darn it.
isn't this so cute?
The clean up wouldn't be that cute- I think baby's dad would for sure kill me hahahahahahaha Which I sometimes think is so fun to tease him, okay ALL the time. We are so lucky to have another. He gives me the best, simple advice. It is so refreshing. I love baby's dad. Now what to do for Fathers day for him? I got matching ties for him and baby boy last year and the tie was to big for last year, darn it! I dunno about this year. He is really a great dad. Both him and his wife. I couldn't have chosen better parents for baby boy- thank goodness God led us together.
I am so excited to give her the picture- she will love it. Fingers Crossed.
Love you all and baby boy- I can't wait to kiss you soon!
I have a friend at work (she works 2 hours north of me and we email)who opened up to me and told me some intimate details about her life. I am always skeptical about sharing this blog but I sent it to her. I didn't know if she would read it or not but I trust her and think she is an awesome girl. I feel like we are more pen pals but I really like her.
I hadn't heard from her so I wrote her this morning,
"I hope you are doing well today and I didn’t overwhelm you!"
She wrote me back and said
No! You didn’t… I read your
whole blog last night ( really, ALL of it!!! ). My heart broke for you. I am so
so sorry L That was so brave of you to do that. I couldn’t.. I
tried, but I just couldn’t.( personal stuff....)My husband, yes, I met him 7 years ago, my daughter was 3, turning 4. He
has adopted my daughter, since her dad didn’t really care one way or another. I
know you will find someone who will look at you and love you for all you are
and have done, and for all that it taught you.
I don't think people realize, excuse me, I don't think I realize the power of this blog and the power of writing. Sometimes I do wonder
I wrote her back....
I can’t help but love you. I am
so shocked and amazed, you read all of it. haha Yes, (my X) and I broke up
basically because of it but I love my little sweet boy and my adoption but I
also have challenging times. I am dating a new guy and it is really good. He has
a kid but it is pretty good. I hope it isn’t too depressing
haha ;) I LOVE your husband for being
such a MAN! That is great. I just want you to write your story- it is
incredible! I am going to blog about you reading the blog is that okay?
She wrote back
Hahaha, yes it is okay. It wasn’t
depressing, I saw so much of my own feelings from the beginning , or before I
decided I couldn’t do an adoption. But the fear I felt in the beginning, all
the same thoughts.. So much pain involved… You will have challenging times,
I am sure, but you did what you did because you decided that was best for the
baby at the time, and that is anything but selfish, because you knew you would
feel that void your whole life but you still wanted him to have an amazing
life. And that is beautiful. (my X) is a jackass if he cant see that! But, if it
makes you feel better, my husband and I broke up three times within a year of
dating because it was hard for him, not because he didn’t love me or thought
less of me, but because he was afraid of being a dad, and he was afraid
that all the pain I had gone through would hurt us but things feel into place,
and I know it will for you, because the right guy may be scared, but he will
want you anyways!
I am just beyond feeling loved and validated. It is truly amazing how just the written word can mean so much. SHE READ MY WHOLE BLOG! I have 69 views from her yesterday. I just thought nobody really cared, or at least I think sometimes nobody cares about me. I care so why wouldn't others?
I really love my little boy and of course I will feel the pain of not having him the rest of my life, yesterday was one of those days... I just wish he needed me... he doesn't. He has lovely parents who God lead me to and I choose for them. My little heart walks on the outside of my body and GOSH HE IS PERFECT. I am just as those moms on facebook and social media and think my little boy is perfect. He is. He is mine and is someway, he is mine forever.
I love my coworker for being so great.
This image really spoke to me. Here I am writing and I truly feel like I see this in my writing.
ISN'T this powerful?
This song just popped up on my Pandora- wow
You know, my friend died and I wish I could read her every thought, I bet only a handful of people really care about all these things but those that do care, I hope it is helping you and I do care about you like the song below.
"All About You"
Why does she make sure to be so immature about these things, I don’t want you to change around it
And sometimes this love will end and all will be forgotten then someday we will laugh about it
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
You could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
And you could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
I know all about you
I have a darling birth mom friend. Her name is Brooke. This is what she wrote on our birth mom facebook page.
"I posted in the ole blog today! I would love some feedback. Maybe some advice or opinions too! Feel free to share to your other birth mom friends who aren't part of the group. I want as much advice as possible. Thanks! xoxo " Brooke this post is completely for you. I am going to comment on all your little posts. I call you yesterday and then when I got your text I was driving to see a friend so I couldn't call you back. 1. Completely incompetent around her I think with my little boy I was so stand offish not because I felt incompetent but because I didn't want to hurt the adopted parents. I wanted to run to him constantly. I was just talking to his Aunt this last week and she brought up that little boys dad would call her in the night when little boys mom was gone and be like, what do I do to get him to stop crying and what do I do to help. Partly it hurt my feelings, I lived only a few blocks from them but really this was their bonding time. A couple months ago I saw baby boy and he only wanted his mom. He didn't want me. THAT HURTS, I have to be so open with my feelings or the burn my soul down. I just told him, I want to hold you because I love you and it makes me sad you won't let me kiss you and hug you. Worst fear for me that he doesn't want me- GRRR. Then again it is what I want, I would hope he would want his parents over me, then that means he is being taken care of and they are being parents. You are and I am still the mom to these little children but they don't get to be with us. I like to say I am a single mom with no kids. I use to stay awake at night thinking about what he is doing if he is happy. What he was doing right then, if he was napping, eating. I am happy I am past that because I couldn't live my life. Anyway, I think you are a great mom to S and you will be a great mom to your little future children who are cheering for you in heaven!
2.Obligated to feel so comfortable with all of this My blog is my out. I write things I should never write but I ABSOLUTELY need the validation and my gosh my little heart is walking outside of my body. I am SO SO SO sensitive about the silliest things. My poor friends, family and boyfriends that have to deal me with educating everyone on placing and being so mean about birth dads because of course the girl is always right..... or so I feel and need to work on but it is hard. The more I talk about it openly with people I love and care about the more comfortable and normal this feels. I just wish people weren't so quick to put a scarlet letter on peoples chests for breaking a law of God but I have felt like that. We need the atonement, anyway. Those are my feelings. It is the best thing I have ever been through, never have I been closer to my God and never had I felt more loved with that but it was tough and still is. 3. Scared of babies I RUN to all babies. At first every baby reminded me of baby boy but now I am just in love with babies. They love you back so easily. Maybe try to be around more babies? You can so do this! I love reading your thoughts Brooke. 4. Irritated at people who treat placement like it ain't no thing but a chicken wing AMEN! No chicken wings here. I think sometimes I down play it. I think people only see the adoption as the couple that has wanted a baby forever got their baby and they don't think of the poor birth mom shattered in the corner, alone, her body pouring with milk for nobody to feast on. There she is broken and wounded but the world seems to treat the adoptive family so nicely. I think birth moms get the hoe bag wrap and they get such a emotional baggage stamp on their back.... I am getting fired up. I wish people weren't so ignorant and cruel. This is no chicken wing, grief is real and real is grief.
How do I want to be treated? Like a hero because that is what I am a hero. My friends that treat me as such feels the most comfortable.
We are total hero's, completely and to the T. Maybe it sounds egotistical but this is my blog and I get to say what I feel and think. 5. Grieving a loss I am amazed with the times I go through this loss. I feel the exact same as you. 6. Baby hungry I agree, give me my family now. I want it the way that I have always wanted. This is my dream. Always has been. I am a hopeless romantic to the core and I first want that dreamy husband and that beautiful baby wrapped in a blanket for me to hold and stay awake with for hours and listen for the cry at church and to watch get on the bus for the first day of school. I want to walk through the grocery store and people to tell me how beautiful my baby is. I want my husband to push the stroller and me to hold his arm and go on walks. I want that, I crave it. I love you Brooke- Keep opening up, keep healing. Keep on keeping on. I am here for you daily, hourly and by the minute. I wish we could go to dinner and a movie. Thanks for being so sweet to me through such a hard time of my life and yet a beautiful time. I love you. Love mama alice
