I told my previous college roommate and buddy about being a birth mom Monday... I know- crazy right? I feel like I am growing up and getting more comfortable with being a birth mom but when I first found out I was pregnant I didn't want to tell my parents. I didn't want to tell anyone. I feel bad looking back sometimes and feel bad that I ever told anyone about it. I feel like it is a heavy topic that not everyone wants to know about. I have told some cousins about this and their response has been hard. Everyone has a right to feel how they feel about it.
I feel like no matter what you think about yourself you aren't better than me because you didn't get pregnant at 27 out of wedlock. My consequence was greater than I imagined. Now I really only see the positive side of getting pregnant. That is P. HE is ALIVE. He is living life. He is happy. Being adopted I know isn't the ideal situation. I hope someday when or now I realize if P ever reads this he realizes how loved he was by me. He realizes his birth dad MOVED, GOT A NEW JOB and was prepared to in his words, "take responsibility". Which at the time I hate this phrase but now I can respect it. I now have no ill feelings towards the birth father and wish him well. Truly. I wish his family well too.
Watching Black Lives Matter on media and the riots and all of this having been a birth mom I can empathize a little because of being a birth mom a little.
I had sex (if we can even call it that because even birth dad said, you can't be pregnant, we didn't have sex) AMEN dude. P is a MIRACLE. annnnnnd my stake president was like woah too. anywayyyysssss not that point of this.. but I had sex and got pregnant. It WAS SOOOOOO HARD. Like I said, it is a memory now. It isn't painful to talk about and I like talking about it but I realize some people don't like to talk about hard things. They don't want to be involved in hard things. Having been through this.. going to church pregnant and sitting next to this DARLING grandpa who hopefully hasn't passed but sitting there to just want God back in my life. To feel the burning power of the spirit again. To take the sacrament and feel that healing power of Christ. I HUNGERED FOR IT.
Our God is forgiving. Our God changed me through this experience. I connect with people because of this. We connect because of our pain. I hope you don't have to go through some horrible pain to experience empathy.
I dated an amazing black man after college. His name is private. He changed me. He loved me for me. He was pretty real with me. He was so easy to love. I reached out to him last night and talked to him. I told my husband of course and it was never about me reaching out in a romantic way but a loving way. He got that of course. He said something so sweet. I said what do you think about everything going in the news?
He said---
Ikr these are tough times all over the world, the best thing to do is to put our explicit trust in God and pray for people so that the healing they seek shall be received.
He also said.
You are one of the best souls i know
He doesn't need to be telling me anything. I told him a few private memories I have with him and how he changed me and he was so surprised by my memory.... I told him I know it can come across creepy- I GET IT.
Lets unite- Reach out to our brothers and sisters. Ask them how they are. I am not sure if asking how do you feel about everything in the news is a proper way to reach out but I am learning- haha
OKAAAYY so this is me saying I feel bad about all the oppression. I feel bad about it all and I hope we all change our homes so we are educating ourselves and changing what needs to be changed. My hubs and I are going to be supporting the Utah POC owned business'... gotta put my money where my heart is.
To that sweet boy who will be having a birthday in a month- I LOVE YOU. I know you are being raised to love all. I know you are happy. I know you are also a sweet, wild kid. LOVE YOU DUDE!
