Friday, March 28, 2014

best dream

Dearest baby boy,

I had a dream with you. You were with me and my mom and dad and my family. For some reason your mom and dad had to go and do something and they had you with me. You were so reserved taking everything in and then boom- you were talking like wild. You were a good little talker. At first you were the age you are now, about 8 to 9 months and then you were 16 or 18. Dreams are weird. 

You looked like my sisters girls. My mom and I kept talking about it and you were like why is this important. 

Then we started talking about your parents.

You were such a tease- get that from your daddyo and the talking and love of people from your sweet mommy. It was so so so soosoooooo fun to see you. Your eyes were so pretty. I keep thinking about that. I don't remember your hair but your hands were huge. You would put them up for everyone to see how much bigger they were from mine and then everyone. You were long, strong and lean. Cute as can be and a warm spirit which isn't a surprise.

Your parents came and we all sat down and chatted and you brought your dog. The dog was nervous and peed a little- HAHAHA

It was really fun. 

We talked about your parents and the little things about them that make us all love them. 

Talked about how protective your dad is and then how your mom falls in love with people. You laughed and it was just a the best. 

I love you baby boy.

My heart burns that this is how it was meant to be. It will always be so hard that I didn't get you forever but God tells me in my heart that you are where you are supposed to be.

So I woke up and minutes before I had a text from your mom of a picture with you and crazy blonde hair. 

VERY cute. 

I texted her back that I had a dream about you and she called me! I have missed her. 

Your mom and I talked on the phone and she is the sweetest, funniest and most fun woman around. She has such a kind, sensitive heart. Her laugh and even the tones of her voice are enough to melt my heart. She is your mom and she loves you. She wants the best for you.

I love you baby boy. 

XOXO

MAMA ALICE 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Valentines day to St Patrick's day

Worlds best blogger turned into worlds worst all in a few short months.

I have a book that I have been working on for the 9 months I was prego with baby boy and I never got that finished and I still really want to. I really feel strongly about putting it together but it is emotionally hard because...

  1. It makes me miss being with baby boy and then I can't stand it... in an unhealthy way. It is all I think about then I get really sad.
  2. It reminds me of being alone. Then I remember, I wasn't alone I had him with me all the time whilst he was in my belly. I miss him there. I use to just want him to be there forever, safe in my belly. But then he wouldn't have the best parents ever for him. He is so loved.
  3. So then it reminds me of the great chocies I made and it brings the Holy Ghost so strong, like it is now. I love baby boy and it is okay to miss him but in the healthiest of ways it is okay.
  4. I will finish that book this month.

Valentines day-
The baby and his parents aka his parents gave me chocolates and the first outfit that baby boy had when he went home with them. Those little gifts mean SO much to me. They are beyond thoughtful and the simplicity is perfect. They are the best adoptive parents I could ever dream of. AMAZING and almost perfect. I don't really want them to perfect because I need them on earth for baby boy and me. 

Baby boys parents
They are my friends. Mostly his mother dear is but I really do love her.

Something magical happened at the sealing that I will never be able to comprehend, I feel the divinity and the power that is beyond my tiny human, mortal brain but what I can tell you is the mother bear in me took her claws out or something. I have felt more free and I feel like he is more theirs. Although I feel he will always feel apart me of me and be mine too. God sealed him to them. Please always be faithful. For that sweet boy who sleeps under your roof.

Please send more miracles God. Please send them. I want to write about it on here but I want God to send the miracle. Please send it. 

___

I have fallen in love with a man. His love has healed me more then anything. This is the love I have been waiting for. The love I have for this man has honestly taken the sting away... The sting is gone. I don't miss baby boy quite as much because of this man.

HAHA- when my man went with me to the blessing and everything after he asked, do they think I am the baby daddy? HAHA 

_____

I know God has a place for all that is good. I can't help but wonder, did he know this was going to happen?

St Patrick's day brings in floods of memories and thoughts and the Spirit. Something is divine for me about this day too. Something very special. Coincidences are only possible through God. They are tender mercies and little pockets of time that everything is perfect.

I hope the baby and his parents know just how special they are to me.

______

If there could be anything that I instill in the human kind is birth moms aren't any different then you. I do support most everyone on their choices but I wish that the girl that has two kids with different dads who takes her baby to go sleep with another man.... I wish she would have placed. 

That is all I can say. 

Adoption isn't easy but it is a way God has made families on earth perfect and complete. I couldn't be happier to have been able to be apart of his plan. I do complain but my heart has hurt and I do miss baby boy but I also am overly joyful for the situation.


I use to think, I wish I could have a baby for them. I don't think that as much. It is SO hard. It is really SO beautiful though too. 

____

Baby boy,

I got to hold you a few weeks ago. You have the chubbiest cutest cheeks and you are so big and strong. You always have been. You love people. You were being all curious and looking everywhere and moving around and I was staring at you. I was taking you all in. Your daddy was feeding you and you mommy was rollar skating. When your moms mom, your grandma held you, you were the perfect baby for her. You love her. She is so easy to love. Your grandpa just loves you too.
I think seeing you with your Grandma was my favorite. You were calm and quaint with her. She carried you around and you just were darling for her.

You are so cute.

When I held you you wanted to hold onto whatever you could. You grabbed my St Patricks day necklace and pulled and pulled. I wish we could measure how strong you are.

I have always wanted you to be big and strong. I want you tall like your mom and dad but really, they will love you no matter what your body looks like. I will too. 

I miss you. I miss your cute feet and our lunch dates. 

I love you, I always will.

Remember you are a child of God. You went from God's arms to my arms to your mommy's and daddy's. God really wanted you to go to them. He set up a very special plan to get you to earth.

Kisses to your nose and love to your heart.

I love you baby boy. Happy St Patrick's day to the best, cutest, happiest, funniest boy ever.