title- hmmm screen shots and emails.

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I am really doing so good this season with missing little boy. It isn't quite as heart wrenching and painful and ruin my day like last year was. Gosh that was bad. I am doing really good. I have been thinking more and more about  "coming out" as a birth mom. I dunno. I really don't. But it would be nice to just have it in the open though it is a painful subject sometimes with some people. Like my cousin who is really wanting to have babies then I have a miracle baby and I am not married nor wanting to be prego- though this isn't to be confused with being grateful to have baby boy in my life or have changed my life for the better.

Anyway.... Here are some things I screen shot, love these things.

Truly one of the most hardest things I have ever done. EVER. I think about that week of July 8th,  more then any other week of my entire life. What it felt like to hold him and not worry about anything. The peace he has and the melting. 

 

this is the most well written feelings, I feel the same.

 

What we as parents want for our kids..... ;)

 

I must say this is kinda hard for me.... am I am mother? I feel like a mother in secret. It is something that is really hard on me because most of my validation tells me I am not which my body which was birth screams of it. But the second line clears it up. Placing a child doesn't make me less of one. I hate titles and complex issues on the inside.

 

 

 

Baby boy's grandma wrote me the nicest facebook email the other day. I should paste it in here.

Hi Alice 

This is (baby boy's)  grandma, I met you at his sealing... I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I think about you often and hope and pray that your heart is healing and you are doing ok.  I thank you for your gift of love to our family.  (baby boy) is a joy to all his family.  We hope to get out soon and see him for a visit. I check in on your blog now and then, it must help to express your feelings in writing.  Just wanted you to know that I hope you are well and that (baby boy)couldn't be loved more by everyone.  Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving.
Love,
(his grandma)

 

 

Really, it is the little things- it really is. Those little things that make my life a little easier. Those moments that really make me feel like God hears me. Sometimes I feel like He doesn't. Especially with so many challenges but things are easier right now.... boring even. which I love. My heat is really settled. Some days are almost impossible. Some days which are now weeks... almost months, I don't feel any sting and not heart ache.

 

Some people ignore that I had a baby- they pretend it didn't happen. That is really hard sometimes because it makes me feel ignored as a mother. Interesting huh?

 

Baby boys' family is so cute. I saw the cutest Christmas card last night and bought it. It says to my son and his family. Most likely it is made for an adult son and his wife and children but I don't know that story. I don't know a lot. But I do know that this is meant to be. For now it is sometimes hard and I wish SO SO much I had a future in store, I had a husband I loved and would have babies with but I don't. I don't have that right now. I keep dating.

 

I have SO SO many dates all the time. I think of the pain of loosing my X. It is still very sharp and hard. I just thought, I wonder if he reads this? If you are, I really hope you are doing well. I still think of you and some nights I want to call you but we just aren't meant to be. To much pain is now associated. Anyway this isn't about you...

 

 

 

 

My friend just sent this to me. I literally just checked my email and there was this link. I agree with most things she says. Not all but most. She is so pretty. I always think birth moms are some of the prettiest woman. Really look up birth moms on instagram. gorgeous. I love giving myself indirect compliments. LOL totally kidding. But I do think birth moms are pretty. I think it has something to do with doing something with Gods grace and really with God.

Watch the video if you want. I loved it.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/his-grace?v=3924693673001

 

 

one day more, I can wait but remembering is so hard

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So the person that connected me to baby boys family has cancer. Last night I stayed in the hospital with her. I got in her bed, got woken up every two hours and I dreams of you baby boy. I feel the sadness and the joy all over again of having you cute guy. I wish I was spoiled to live close to you or to at least be able to go back in time and hold you. I will never forget the moments having you and I wish so badly I could have you again for a few days. Those were divine. My body felt like death but I was SO overjoyed to have you. You were my little prize.

The other day I went to the grocery store and there was a mother there with her new born and I turned and was like your baby is so darling and she let me look at her little baby full of hair and honestly I just wanted to hug her and tell her to enjoy the moments she has with her baby. I don't think I was jealous but looking forward to my one day that I get to have my baby to go to the grocery store with.

I am also sad about loosing my fiancé  with that because I thought the road would be closer but little boy you are always in my thoughts.

I am grateful for all the thoughts and loves I get.

Honestly, I am in SUCH a good place. It is normal to want a family and it is normal to miss your baby. Life isn't perfect but after I click out of this post I will have a normal night and go to sleep because I am beyond tired. My friends friend is sleeping over and I am so glad because I have someone to clean for, and listen to the help.

baby boy- thanks for your sweet kisses and I am so grateful for an open adoption. I miss baby you but I love you and can't wait to see what one more day will bring to you!

From a distance but from the heart,

Alice

dreams, of course about you sweet guy

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I love the nights that I dream about people I don't see very often but the most tender times are nights I dream about you little guy. Did you know that you get cuter, sweeter and smarter every time I see you. You are so happy. In my dreams your parents are the same as always, they love you so much. They really do. I see it and I feel it. If you ever wonder if they love you less then if they had you without me that is Satan and those are doubts. They explode with joy. I love seeing how protective they are with you and really you are every bit part of them. You haha do little things like them. Parts of me is sad by it because I just want you to be mine but most of me is happy seeing parts of them in you. You are just darling, you know that. DARLING>

In my dream last night you just kept smiling and talking and kissing me. Oh I love you. I love seeing you and playing with you, even if it is in my dreams.

XOXO

Little Boy, moments are among us

Hey cute guy. I saw the most adorable video of you with your mom singing the ABC's to you. You were in the bath and just cute as can be. You are growing so healthy and strong. Remember how loved you are and how cute you are.

I love seeing you with your family. I can tell you are so loved and taken care of. You are going to grow up someday and maybe you will never read this and maybe you will. I just hope you know that I thought of you, everyday. Some moments are hard that I don't get to be your mommy but I am really coming to terms with that more and more. I hope you know you have a dad who loves you and a mom who does too. This love will never fade. It will only grow.

I love watching babies who are one years old and a few months thinking that is who will be your friends. I have thought about people you will marry or date and thinking how maybe the woman you marry isn't even born yet! You are still only a baby but your future children are cheering for you and possibly your wife.

Life is so short. Drink up each good moment and learn from the hard ones. Learn from others mistakes that there is always something good ahead. Don't you give up!

Listen to your heart.

XO

Don't lose hope in people, angels are coming

Dearest friend of the weekend,

You have saved me this weekend from despair and sadness. I can't believe I felt prompted to tell you about the baby and then every part of your reaction was perfect. I loved how you let me tell you everything and you were so understanding.

I loved how you said that there is no such thing as a bad emotion but comfortable and un comfortable ones.

I loved how you read the book and looked at each picture for a long time. I loved your face when I said I had a baby a year ago. UTTER SHOCK. HAHA that was the best. I loved being able to share a little bit of my motherhood with you.

Thanks for taking me out of this world of pain as we went shopping, eating at yummy places and though I didn't feed you like I should have you said I did.

I loved hiking with you and getting the must haves. I loved talking to you about challenges in your life. I loved that we have never had a any sort of argument ever. Listening to you I kept thinking, that is exactly what I would have done. You are the biggest angel in my life.

I just posted my blog about feeling alone and you wrote me instantly. I can't believe that.

You win best friend award, for sure. I love your perspectives and your energy towards life. LOVE IT

Little boy- I write this because even in pain we have friends that save us. I hope that the friends that you have will save you someday.

Alice

I can't wait to see you again in a few weeks!

emotion throw up- ideas that aren't solid but hope that is

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I love page views, I love feeling like this blog is helping someone, even if it's just me.

I have written about one of my friends and I think she said this right.

I sent her a picture of me a little boy, who is so cute and his teeth are coming in all crazy. Sorry buddy- I am not sure where you are getting that from. I don't think it is from me but if so, sorry and if it from your birth dad, he is sorry too because nobody wants crazy teeth. Maybe the crazier they come in the better they will look in the end. I dunno what to tell you. I don't have perfect teeth and didn't have braces and I think that I am really happy with my teeth for the most part. My dad had braces and my mom didn't. None of my siblings had braces. I don't like them perfect really so I love your little gargoyle teeth. You are so cute.

So my friend,

Picture of us as above. We are darling. getting big. ( I love showing the few people that know baby boy the pictures of him and me)

Her- Oh man! Is he the cutest thing ever or what!!??

I love her she has the best responses ever, prob because she is also a birth mom and so awesome.

Me- I can't believe how big he is, he is so cute!
Her- He is so cute!... Did you see him today?
Me- last week, it was nice but more and more I am not as attached, it's weird.
Her- yah, last time I saw (her baby she placed) I didn't feel anything. I want to close my adoption.
Me- I'm doing less visits right now. Open adoption is hard on the birth mom if you ask me. I think it's really to much. When (my baby) wants to meet me later down the road, maybe then. Partly I'm still attached just not as much... I'm not ready to close.
Her- I think it was good my first year for healing, but now, I feel like it's no longer helping but hurting instead.
Me- Exactly



Well baby boy- if you ever read this these are just thoughts.
And adoptive mom- if you ever read this which I think you won't I am just speculating.
And adoptive dad- isn't this what you have always wanted? I never know if you really like seeing me or if your wife likes you seeing me??

I am not trying to be mean by all means.

IT IS HARD TO STAY IN CONTACT, you know how when you are in love with someone then it just doesn't work out and your heart goes into pain because you wanted to marry that man and be with hi forever. It is like you broke up with this little baby and his now family and seeing them over and over again be so happy and have perfect lives gets kinda old when your life is scummy and hard. I really can't even put any of the feelings into words.

So I guess I have been thinking about this off and on. I love my friendship with the adoptive mom but this sad part of me thinks what if she thinks I just want to be her friend because she feels bad for me. Maybe this is all my depression speaking from loosing my fiancé.

Adoptive mom wrote me the nicest texts after my awful texts.

I told her I deleted my facebook due to the X
her- oh so sorry. How are you?
me- Hanging in there. The pain means I loved him.. gotta keep going forward. Thanks for asking. I hope you are all doing well. XO
Her- I wish we could help. We love you. Would it make things worse to send pictures of (baby boy) or would you like that?
Me- It wouldn't make things worse. I love seeing him ;) ( I am really grateful that I am able to think that even if I don't meet someone down the road at least I was able to have one baby and even if I am not able to watch him grow daily at least I get once a week or so often)
I am so miserable, in so much pain. I feel like my heart is stinging... everyday I go to work and come home and get in bed... I miss him. I'm confused, I'm sad.... I'm grieving.
Him being the X. It's interesting how similar the pain of baby boy and X is. With baby it was more physical, but the depression is similar. Any way I'm sure you don't want my sob story. Sweet dreams.
Her- sent video. I wasn't sure and didn't know if me sending pictures would be hard for you or not.
her- No I don't mind at all. Do want to talk?
me- I'm not in the talking mood. Thank you though. I can't believe he can do the recorder! Brilliant little guy. I'm glad I got to see him and you guys. I miss living close.
her- Me too ;) He is one smart little boy. He loves you. He always will.
me-I hope so, I will be devastated if he ever doesn't. Right now I feel so worthless. Nothing really helps. I feel ugly. Thinking of baby boy really helps. That sweet boy came from me and the hope I'll ever be able to do that again and raise the baby brings all my hope and take my pain for a second.
Then I think having baby and all these emotions is what pushed the X away and then I am sad again. Why did I ever sin against God. Now I am emotionally damaged and I am in my consequence.
 I am alone and maybe I'll always be.
I must be so hated and maybe I'm just this girl that everyone tolerates and I really don't have friends. I'm service project. Depression is amazing how it alters everything.
Even telling you I feel guilty like a burden. Just try to ignore the above messages if possible. I'll be fine someday.
Her-It's going to get better. I hope soon. Sometimes we have grief because of others peoples choices too. Lehi had much sorrow because of choices his sons made. (the x) leaving and giving up isn't because of you. He made that choice on is own and there are other people who would have been more respectful of you situation. I think you will find him. I'm sad it's not (the x), but he was an answer to your prayers at that time.
PS. I understand depression. My depression is different obviously, but it's very real. It can cause the most miserable thoughts and feelings. It alters everything that is around you and toys with your mind. Reality becomes very skewed and worthlessness sets in. I have to...I'm so sad that things didn not work out with (the X)I don't know why, but I'm confident you will see the blessings of this happening, one day. He is a good guy, but there were definitely things that he needed to change to be a good husband to you. I hope you can find someone that loves youfor you AND your mistakes. We all make them so it shouldn't matter. I hope you will find someone that will love what you love and be willing to compromise with you, and give up things that they love because they know it will make you happy. You deserve that. (baby boy's) birth mommy deserves a good husband. And one day it will.

I sent her back a smily and went to sleep.

Oh my life. I can't live with anything.

On another note I haven't been talking to my family and I use to talk to my mom everyday. I just feel like my life is to sad to talk to her about.

I wonder what will happen in 10 years.

This post is for me really only but I think letting people see your heart isn't bad and I want to remember things. I want to see if I really will one day get the good husband I deserve.

I send my best wishes to the X. I saw so much in him. I wish I could only remember the bad but the good is what haunts me. What I love about him. He will always be loved by me.

JASPER- Alice needs you! Where are you?

ALice

No one else will ever know

I wonder when all heart ache will be gone. Have you seen the Giver? In the Giver there are birth moms and watching them just give their baby away to some family and that is there job to be prego and just give and give and give. I know the movie doesn't really touch on this but I am pained from it. I wish that I could be more heartless and not care. This is one of the hardest things I have been through. Through time I am getting better but really the memory is pain. I love that I was able to do that for the family. I am grateful that I could do something for someone that they at the time couldn't do for themselves. Ironically I go through an odd thing were I don't feel appreciated. I know I am, but sometimes I feel like I just am some person. The girl that was supposed to do this. I think that is the devil and pride getting in my heart. I do the same with all my relationships. I will start to think that I do to much that I give more then I should and I am making myself desperate. For the little boy sometimes I get sad and wish I didn't think he was cute. Why is it easy to hate over feel? Today I am going to see you little boy. I am sure you will be cute. I will be so sad the day you cry and don't want me to hug you. I am not your mother, I am your birth mom. I am really okay with that though. God has told me and nothing that anyone ever says to me will be able to prick my heart again... I will forgive and love. I will be more like Jesus. I am living for God. I use to think, I have to be good for you but really I want you to live for God, not anyone else. For God. He has been a part of life before you were even born. He really lead me and was there with me. I always liked going to church and he was the one at church with me. He was in the the older man with homemade suits from his late wife. He was in the chairs and the building. I was in his house. He went on walks with me. He was with me. Live for God. I love this quote



 "No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside" 

one for the money two for the show

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"I have been thinking of you all week. I wanted to get you a present for Mother's Day but didn't know what to get. I'm bad at gifts. I think you are an amazing  mom. Seriously, the most selfless, loving, patient, and generous mom in the world. I really admire you. Honestly. When I think of you as a motherhood I just cry every time. I can't imagine a more Christlike person. Thank you for allowing me to be involved with a small part of your motherhood experience. It means the world to me and taught me many valuable lessons that I could not have learned any other way"

This will always be one of the most thoughtful emails I have ever gotten. It warms my soul from the inside out. I really think about it at least once a month. 

This woman is so loving, she is my she daddy. She was there through the thick and then thin. 

For kind words I could never repay. I don't really know if they are true but knowing that she thought them that is what warms my soul. She thinks of me as a mom. She learned with me. It makes me think I can be better and be the person that she thinks of.

I have a blanket that I held little baby in when he came home with me and sometimes I can't help but put it next to me and think of him. It isn't just memorable from him it has other memories tied into it but it still means something to me. 

I love that little guy who just started walking. He is a dream. He is in my dreams he is part of what helps me not put myself in bad circumstances. I wonder if he will ever really love me but I don't really care anymore. I loved him first. I loved him to make a good home for his body as he grew. I love peeking in on his life. It is great.

I love feeling and thinking. I am happy and calm these days. It is great

;)

I don't know what to think

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Wow, there have been so many views. I don't know who has been reading but I am sure this has been depressing lately because I have been a little cray lately. With the engagement being off and all it has been one of the hardest things I have done but really my life is kinda full of hard things. I am going to get through this though... I get through it all it is one mountain climb at a time.

So about a week ago I went to the library and just as I was checking out it was the birth dad's sister behind the counter. I gave her one look at just headed the other way. Talk about crazy, what do you do in that instance? She seems caught off guard and didn't really look at me when I came back and I got checked out by a guy. I would say she was more uneasy then me. I kept waiting to see her name or something but that was her for sure. I looked like a Saturday morning, wearing my boyfriends brown shirt, jean shorts and shoes. I had my hair all pinned up and just had been on a light walk.

It was SO SO weird. I forget to tell the adoptive family just because it would be nice to know but I haven't. I mean she didn't talk to me but I can't help but wonder what she thinks. Honestly I think either she hates me for giving away her brothers baby or she agrees with me.

I for one am very grateful that they have all done what I asked and respected me and my family and friends by not contacting us. I guess in return i should do the same. I didn't talk to her or anything but being the library by my house i am leery of going again. I guess life lives on.

I hope the birth dad's family understands the why, how and the love for our baby. Although our baby boy is and will always carry attributes like us we don't love another. We didn't really try to. I think we make cute babies but all in all there won't be anymore babies made by the two of us...

I still wish that baby boy could have a sibling but if he doesn't get one, I know he will still be blessed by family and friends around him. He is cute as a button and fun and friendly. He is SO busy.

I think this distant stage has been really awkward for me. The babies mom is busy, we live away from another and thankfully they send me a picture a week and I look forward to it.

I dunno. just boring thoughts today but thoughts none the less.

We aren't ever alone.

Alice

visit- so many different thoughts

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I wondered for so long, how was I going to feel when I saw the baby. It took loosing my sweet boyfriend from all this hurt and anxiety and feeling so sad and taking it out on the "whipping boy" to discover that after I visited little boy yesterday that I feel more emotionally detached then ever. I thought my heart would always ache. I thought that I wouldn't stop. I think after going through so much hurt and feeling like his mom kinda got a little cray cray on me and seeing her protect him and herself and her husband, even if it was from me.

I didn't know until I saw him.

He is so happy. SO healthy. I didn't feel like I had to stay forever. I didn't feel like my heart was breaking as he smiled at me with 3 teeth. I didn't feel like I should have brought a filmmer to get every minute on film so I could watch it over and over again. Instead I felt different.

I feel like the hurt is leaving and the joy is coming in more. After hurting for so long, a year it is like being so upset at the one year really got so much out of me. I bled out. I am sure it isn't the end but I am not feeling like I can't text the mom because I don't think to myself, are the alternative motives.

I still love that little boy but it is getting less mother bear feeling.

I feel more emotionally detached then ever. I think a lot has to do with being so numb in my heart ache. My fiancé and I broke off the engagement. I was hurting so bad and couldn't deal with so much going on.

The saddest thing is, I don't really know if we will get back together. Usually I would miss this little boy in anytime that I didn't feel loved, this time I think the fiance got me through more then I thought.

Thank you now boyfriend.

I think forever I will always wonder but that is grief.
I think forever I will someday get depressed, but that is grief.
I think forever I will be sad on july 8th, but that is grief.
I think forever I will be mad and get mad at someone- that isn't fair to anyone, but that is grief.
I know forever I will be okay, because my choice changed the world, it was the will of God. I won't have the answers but I will have peace.


I know forever he will be loved. He loves us, God loves us, He is with us forever.

Alice

Happy birthday to you

I would be lying if I said this wasn't biter sweet, happy birthday sweet boy.

XOXO

one day I'll fly away

I wonder when the pain will stop. I wonder when I won't feel the empty pain. I wonder when there will be a good day again. I haven't had much of those.

I have really taken it out on the future husband lately and I try telling him things but then it just turns out bad.

I haven't felt this much confusion about my feelings since November.

I am happy that he was placed. I am sad that he was placed. I am mad at the adoptive parents for not being perfect i am happy with the parents. I am mad about the mom posting pictures I am sad about them posting pictures. Nothing pleases me or suffices me. I feel so selfish and awful. I feel the depression eating my soul I feel the anger building up around my heart. I feel like a bad person.

I feel destructive and like a child. When I am acting out I make so many mistakes and don't think or care. All night I have been trying to let the feelings come. I have cried and I wonder why God wanted me to go through this.

Consequences?

I remember the cousin who could only see my sin.

Sometimes I am mad at God, it seems to be a lot lately. I seem to be more mad then anything. I just want answers. Instead I have questions and hurt and heart ache.

Watching a boy grow up I think about how he doesn't and will probably never really care about me. I think how he will one day hate me. I think how he will one day not love me. I think about how he doesn't need me.

letter from the adoptive mom

WOAH- the adoptive mom wrote quite the letter to me last night.

Oh well.

I am kinda proud of her. She sounded more like a mom last night then ever. She was protective and strong. Things I write on my blog espeically when I am grieving isn't the real me- I know there are expectations that won't and can't be met. We are all our own person.

What I learned-
1. We are both VERY open and blunt and it does hurt the other feelings.
2. She is going to stop reading my blog-
3. She remembers telling me stuff but I don't...
4. She can be mean and I think this is the first time, which is hard when you are already sad but I am proud of her.
5. She is a talker. Sometimes we talk to heal even at 12 at night
6. Things that are important to her aren't imporatant to me
7.  She is going through a hard time
8. She doesn't have time to do stuff
9. She can't read my mind

It is funny knowing she isn't going to read the blog.

To all my friends out there, to those who this blog helps and I love you! We can make it...
For me I still am needing my space but I am not sure what we decided.
I am not going to the birthday- she said so quick- That's fine. I am not sure what that means?

To baby boy,
You are still loved.

grieving makes you feel cray cray

Yesterday- oh man. I can't help but blog. I wish I could put what i am feeling into words but I can't. I wish I didn't have feelings of anger, jealousy and hatred but I do. I wish I had an explanation for having 6 months of peace and then bam I am beyond upset.

Reasons why I got upset/hurt... I think.

1. The family is important to me. I would drop anything for them and in reality they wouldn't drop things for me. Their actions don't show that they would. I just feel like they must be so frustrated with me. I am over here ranting on my blog. Like REAL RANTING and acting like a baby. I know I am but when I am in this mind state I am not healthy. I am trying to make EVERYONE hurt as much as I do. The poor future husband that has me tear into him yesterday and be angry with him. Oh man. I couldn't even stop and he is really my number one.
2. I have unrealistic expectations. I look to forward to things. They make mistakes they are human and they have feelings but when someone tells you they are going to send you pictures of a little boy you see once a month or once every few months you look forward to those pictures. I wish I didn't and maybe that is why I want to cut of the openness...
3. It may be stupid to everyone and as I wrote in the last post that my friend said "I wouldn't feel like it was her baby if she always had to report" What is funny is I only felt so sad because I am so use to being able to see him when I have a bad day so when I had the bad day and couldn't see him that is why I was so sad. I don't need to be like a teacher and be asked to go to the bathroom and it's something that won't change. If anything cutting off the openess for me it would be better. More like it was good bye.
4. I feel like a facebook friend. I feel SO sad when I have to read things on facebook that I feel like I wish I would have known other wise. I wish I didn't care about this too.
5. It just hurts my feelings more when I read things because I take them wrong. Like the "not to excited to drive down" I still even after talking to the adoptive mom yesterday I still feel in my heart it was, not to excited to see you. Then talking to the friend about the report thing I just keep thinking, why would she be excited to see me? Why would she care? I sent the adoptive dad ties for fathers day and all I want is to see him and the boy in the ties. No picture just a thanks. Are my expectations to high? They aren't perfect. The other thing is, I just want them to get mad at me too. I want them to say how they really feel... then I want to say, I gave you a baby and you can't give me a picture then what goes through my mind, the thing that my friend said, I wouldn't feel like he was my baby if I always had to report to someone. Well guess what- I can't do it. It is easier to just take myself out of the equation. They have their happy family. I don't matter. I had the baby and now they are to focus on the baby.
6. I didn't want to admit it but I am jealous I don't have a little boy and really when I do need to see them and then finding out that they are 9 hours away- heart ache. I know yesterday I could have gone but that text then what my friend said about the report. I turned around. couldn't go. I was half way there and couldn't do it.
7. It takes alot to keep in contact with the family when they don't keep in conact with you so you feel like a burden and then reaching out is HARD. Then you take things the wrong way that they weren't intended but were written (I know they make mistakes but it is HARD for being a birth mom, my whole body wants to raise that baby but instead I get ZERO say. Which I knew would be hard and it's not that I am asking to have a say but I don't even know. I am just mad and grieving.)

SO I think that covers it. Nobody understands except this other birth mom friend that I have. I called my friend who is a mom on my down to see the family and she said that report thing and I blew up. I was crying, driving like a crazy person and went home. I called the husband to be and told him everything and he said, Alice baby boy is their baby. Oh that was not the things to say. Then I am crying and the only thing that was helping was walking... I walked 9.4 miles yesterday. 3 hours of walking and thinking about all of this. 3 hours.

I do need a break. I can't do all of this. I am obviously unhealthy, sadly I wish I could hug and kiss that little boy but I am to upset with his parents and really after making this big hissy fit and knowing they might read this I really don't think they would want to see me either. I am a horrible person. I should have more compassion and love but instead I am angry and jealous.

Yesterday after the "report" comment I was still talking to my friend and she said if you think being upset is better for you and your family then be upset. If you think being mad is better  then be mad....

Warnings that I am about to blow
Things I do when I am getting sad and need more contact... I start reading the moms blog, i go to facebook daily or more and see if there are pictures uploaded then last I will email. I look at the last pictures that were sent to me multiple times a day, I let things get to me like the woman who said she couldn't love a baby that wasn't her own  I start talking about the baby more. I start thinking and wanting to tell everyone about it. I start searching for praise. I talk to my birth mom friends more. I start reading about adoption more. I become crazy basically.

On thing that I like that the "report" friend said was you aren't a "crazy person you are a grieving person" i really have no means to being so fired up. I should be fine I should be cordial, instead I feel like nothing.

I walked 9.4 miles and really I felt back to normal about 6 or 7 miles in. It took forever. I feel like the baby isn't mine. I can't say my baby.

I worry that I hurt the family and really all that we need to do is make more contact for me right now. Maybe they hate me and that will be fine I guess. The world keep turning.

My other friend said something. I am engaged and happy to be marrying the man of my dreams yet all I could do yesterday was cry.

I briefly told my mom about it and she said something so peaceful, you did the right thing.

I am not at 100 percent peace and yesterday was a hard day, beyond hard. There are A TON of things going on in my life. Nothing to write on here but I am stressed and the stress and emotional turn of a year is hard on me.

Hold onto what I have, for now I have a great future husband and that is just what I have to think about. Anything else sends me over the edge.

To the family-

I am sorry. I am really trying but grieving is so real.

Alice.

sometimes adoption stinks like now

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I think we all get that one conversation that sometimes stains our minds and doesn't give us a chance for a break or a minute of peace. I had one of those conversations and it has been bothering me since. It was last week. Ugh, I wish that things that people say to me wouldn't make me so sad and want to ball up and just be sad or lay in my bed. I have contemplated writing about it on here but haven't because it isn't positive and it is very sad to my heart.

Somebody I work with just had a baby and the whole time she was pregnant she would say things like, "you wouldn't understand and one day when you are pregnant" Oh I could bop her. Finally I said I was pregnant and I had a baby and placed him for adoption. She thought I was kidding.

Oh brother- grr.

So then months later she tells me, why didn't you just raise him, people told me why not adoption and she told me that she couldn't do it because she just wouldn't love the baby as her own. WHO SAYS THAT TO A BIRTH MOM!? So nothing I would say would stop her from saying hurtful thing after hurtful thing. It has created so many doubts and upsets for me. I feel bad and sad.I start to doubt if the adoptive couple loves my baby that I should be raising according to the world.

I tried telling my she daddy that birth moms get a bad rap sometimes and she was like, no I don't think so. Well guess what they do. It isn't the trend anymore, placing your baby.

Today I read this... and feel it so much. Ironically it is a birth dad.

"One of the most difficult aspects of being a birth parent is the loss of stewardship and access to the birth child." http://adoption.com/four-ways-birth-fathers-can-thrive/

I am feeling beyond emotional right now and as a birth mom when you are pregnant I feel like the adoptive family/case worker takes you more as a priority and then slowly you aren't after the baby is born. Which is great and not so great. It is great because you are moving on or trying to and need more space. It isn't so great sometimes too. I think I was more demanding when I was pregnant but I feel left out so much now. I wonder how everyone else feels. 

The nice thing is I have my fellow birth mom friends. 

I can feel myself going through grieving today. I am SO sad, and fighting tears and hatred. I hate myself usually and today is no exception. Why didn't I just keep him and raise him? I am going through each stage today... I hate me,  I hate that I am not a priority, I hate that I am not... perfect. I am depressed and want to lay in my bed... sadly the acceptance is not coming.

I am tired of my mom saying one day "when you are a mom. When you wake up with your baby and when they are sick." My heart can't take it. How much can one heart take?

Today it can't take anything. 

I write this to remember the hard times... because soon I will forget and I want to see how unrealistic I am. I was texting the adoptive mom today about coming to see them, she invited me down like a champ. I just got so sad about the adoptive and "real mom" saying that she "wasn't super excited about driving half way" and if I could come to see her. I just feel like a burden I feel like I wish this would all go away. I haven't felt these feelings of grief for months like 6 months. All i can think about is the baby off and on the past week and I feel so sad. I have been fighting and fighting it and then when I couldn't take it anymore lat week I asked the family if I could come see them because it is easier to be invited then asked to be invited, guess what they are out of state. UGH big empty void.... I just wish I could get use to the idea that I am nothing then I would have low expectations. 

Instead they invite me to come out today and I am to upset to face anyone. 

I am grateful for the days that things don't bother me. I am grateful for the days I am strong. I am grateful for the days I feel appreciated and birth moms are a heros. Today and this week I feel like people think I took the easy way out. I feel like I took the lonely road. I feel like I wish I could forget. Being a birthmom is the hardest thing I have ever done. The hardest part is I am so easily offended with it that I can't talk to the future husband about it sometimes because he feels like I am just going to hold on a grudge and he should be careful about what he says. Really the only people that don't hurt me is the other birth moms because each journey is different but hard and similar. 

Oh I can't wait till i feel better. I know it will come... I just miss that baby boy today.

Today I don't feel like mama alice, I feel like a ghost. Someone of the past.

XOXO
alice

worse can get worse

remember the time you are on the drive to see the baby and you start talking to someone and tell them how you feel bad that you didn't know that the baby went to cali and it hurts?

then that person says, i wouldn't feel like my baby was my baby if I would always have to report to someone.

then you want to hang up?

That is how I feel. I can't take it anymore.
I am cutting myself off. I can't take things anymore. Things are to hard. It is just to painful. I don't want anymore contact, I don't want expectations. I am not the mother and I am dead to him.

Happy Fathers day

To the sweet baby boys dad!

You are the man that I wanted baby boy to have. You are the man who cares about all the things I would hope for. You are "the man". You do it all and more. I really admire so many things about you as a father and in reality, I couldn't have found someone who loves their wife more too. Though I know your wife better and I am closer to her you were the missing ingredient and made the choice easy. I never had any hesitancy about you being a father and most likely never will. All my health concerns were gone because I knew you would be all over that being a paramedic and all. 

 

 

 

Someday this will be you two.

 

 

I will never forget the time you told me that you are so excited to be a dad and have that boy. You loved giving him kisses and love. You were going to be best friends and getting matching shoes.

 

I wanted to get you matching shoes for Fathers day but I thought you might like the ties. I got you purple because that is my favorite color. Hopefully you can wear them to my wedding. ;)

 

 

 

 

I know this is a little late and I have been thinking of you but I wanted to remember how much I appreciated you.

 

I love you adoptive dad. Thanks for being the best for all of us.

 

XOXO

 

Ma ma Alice

 

 

Adotpion in Utah is changing.

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So many things have changed for adoption in just less then a year. My heart goes out to those adopting, birth moms and all that know them. I was very blessed to have a smooth transition with the Utah Law and really wouldn't have it any other way.

http://www.ksl.com/?sid=30347725&nid=148

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/58079119-78/adoption-lds-services-family.html.csp

http://utahpoliticohub.com/buzz-lds-family-services-getting-out-of-the-adoption-business/


I wonder where the birth moms will be referred to?

From the article I listed above I thought these facts were interesting as a birth mom

1. Thirty years ago, 15 percent of single pregnant teenagers and women chose adoption. Today, it’s 1 percent nationally and perhaps slightly higher in Utah, McConkie said.

One factor is that the social stigma attached to being an unwed mother has evaporated, explained Sherilyn Stinson, field group manager for LDS Family Services. If anything, there is now a stigma attached to putting one’s child up for adoption

"It’s a different world for adoption," she said.

McConkie said many couples will see that it’s cheaper to find a birth mother on their own and have an attorney handle the paperwork.



As a birth mom- I think that most people that talked to me were really supporting me and what I chose to do. I feel like that would be nicer though then going through an agency. I loved my Charity though so I can't imagine having to find a couple on my own.

If any birth moms ever want help or advice from a fellow birth mom- email me. I'll reach out to you.
XOXO

Alice

happy birthday soon baby boy

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Today baby boys mom called me and invited me to the birthday party.

I have been wondering how I will feel on that day. I am done with grieving I think? I haven't really had any hard days since the sealing.

They moved which has been a little strange not knowing where they are and what their house looks like but no different then how I felt when my sister moved and I wanted to see where her girls were sleeping and what it looked like. I guess I feel the same I do about him as I do with the twins. I love them both and want them both happy. I look forward to their birthdays and their happiness. I had baby boy and I think I really care about him and am a little protective of him more then other little babies but the thoughts are very similar. Did my sister put sun screen on the twins, did his mom put sun screen on baby boy? I would never ask but am I curious, yes. It is better to just think things

The one thing that is hard for my future husband is when I say my baby. MY mine... or when I feel protective of him. I have really tried working on say their baby. I want a happy husband. I do feel like he is theirs but I still feel a little bit of mine in there.... I am not sure where the happy medium of that is. I feel the love him of a mother but I don't tuck him in at night and I don't wake up when he cries. I am not or will ever be the mom he wants when he is sad. I am okay with that but I hope that future husband sees that. I think I have written about this before but I still don't know what to think of it. My...baby.... their baby. Both are true?

OTHER THOUGHT

I have always wanted a blue eyed, blonde haired baby. Maybe that is why God gave me that sweet little boy.

My future husband has brown eyes and brown hair, I hope I get another blonde baby. My future husband's sister has blonde hair and blue eyes and so does his dad, so there is a chance.

Having this baby really helped me have my future husband and I am more then grateful for him.

Be grateful for the man or woman who wants to live with you forever. They are special to you. If you have any doubts doubt those doubts. I have not once wanted to break up with my future husband, it has always felt right and the only one time I thought maybe he is to good for me and he deserves someone better then me. Oh insecurities... I could blow them up.


I love, I get scared, I worry, I laugh, I have fun, I scream, I dream, I have nightmares. I have a little boy who doesn't live with me. I am sad and it was a really hard time feeling things and I still am a little sad I don't get him forever with me and I want to feel that. He is a wonderful baby and though I don't get to talk to him yet I feel him in my heart. He is always with me.

I really am so lucky to get to kiss those cheeks and I am grateful for the time I do get to see him.

I am lucky to have a future husband who works through things with me. Who held me all morning before the sealing just cuddled up in his strong arms. I am grateful that he is able to be apart of this and to be my husband. He is thinks so simply and I am grateful for him.

XOXO

Alice.

PS I also want baby boy to be 6*3.. is that to much to ask? Okay at the least I want him as tall as his mom, PLEASE one more thing Heavenly Father? 

pps I feel so good and have healed so much that I feel a little guilty, I think this is normal so I don't read into it but I really want a future birth mom and whoever to know how i felt and I want to remember how i felt.

memories, coming on 11 months

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In a week it will be a year that I found out who baby boy's family was going to be. As it comes up that baby is 11 months on Sunday I am in shock. I wonder what I will think on  July 8th. Oh it is so odd to think about that.

Oh baby boy is almost 1. I remember when my nieces turned one. It felt crazy. They were just walking along the walls and loved their first birthday. It was really cute.

The other night I was thinking about every detail of having him.

It is funny, because I LOVE talking about the birth. My body did that. But I really don't have to many people to talk to about it and when I do I pretend I have never had a baby.

I can't believe that whole night.

I think about the future. What am I supposed to think about?

I dunno- Oh well. I miss living close to them. I miss them these past few days.

I really have seen my growth as I have healed though.

It isn't so bad being a birth mom. I love that little boy so much and soon he isn't going to be a baby! He will be one!!

For now, he is still little at 11 months.

XOXO

Alice

to the baby boy born last July

 

I think this is for little baby boy. You are special to my heart. You have changed me for the best.

 

XOXO

It is funny, I will be going through cute things and then see something like this and stop and think about you baby boy. I hope you know I think of always. You are in my heart forever little guy. I do think you gave me my sweet future husband. Thank you! Your such a gift to us all.

thoughts and thinks

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1. my blog
2. writing is healing
3. I got you a little something
4. best mother's day ever
5. my
6. last night

1. my blog

I am laying in bed and thinking and looking though facebook pictures of baby boy. I love seeing his pictures when he was itty bitty and then going up to now when he is 21 pounds, crawling, eating, has two teeth. It is insane right. I am just so grateful for the blog. I love it. I am grateful for each view and somehow it brings validation. I encourage all to blog. DO It

2. writing is healthy
There is something magical for me about writing. It is the most healing way for my soul to speak and be heard. Sometimes thoughts are thoughts and ideas are ideas, sometimes they don't last. Sometimes the prediction is false but for the most part, BAM it heals me. It takes my mind off the subject and gives permission to let it go. It's not like I don't want to think about baby boy but I do have to think about other things, like laundry and buying a scale and going to Lagoon... packing lunch... I do have to. Sometimes I can get myself really sad. If I let myself. Oh I can get myself down in the dumps, like November. November I was black in the soul and couldn't feel things. I pushed myself into holes. The blog still helped. My time with the babies dad really helped for a good 5 days. I will never forget him grabbing my hands... it was true love... it was lovely. It was charity. That is my favorite moment with him and I wouldn't have gotten that if I didn't feel so black so maybe that is worth it because I have never felt so visited by the Savior before. Ever. The Savior stood beside me... okay maybe that is to personal but SEE the blog is healing.

My friend is going through a painful time in her life too. She has anxiety in a terrible way. She is hurting and I really think the above quote is for her. I also feel it is for me. I had a friend who kept a journal through her pregnancy and then birth and her thoughts and feelings. It was the best path painted for me. I was in her head. I didn't feel bad for wanting to keep baby boy, I didn't feel bad for having a hatred... it was a grief and a pattern I experienced. It was a great way to track things when I was doing something so secret and most important, sacred.

3. "I got you a little something"

Babies mom called me on Saturday, and said those words, "I got you a little something" Oh no, I asked her if she read my blog and she said no. I told her that I was a little embarrassed now. I don't know how she does it but the Lord speaks to her heart even before I have the chance. She is the best. I love the gift. The card was perfect. Our mom's. Love her and I love that she hears the Lord and is an instrument in His hands. I feel so loved by this woman. By this mother. She speaks to my heart. We are connected in a way I will never be able to describe. She is one of my best friends. She is part of my heart. Thanks for tooting a horn for me on Mothers day. 

4. Best mothers day evaa

My fiance, spoke in church and it melted my heart. We drove a distance to see sweet baby boy and his mom's family. Last mothers day I got to take the sacrament. I loved that. This mothers day I felt like a mother. Secret mother but none the less a mother. I created him. I birthed him. I am blessed by his life. Because of him, we both will have eternal families. He prepared me for my fiance who stole my heart and has it wrapped up so careful and tight. I am so thankful for da mommy of baby boy who shared that afternoon with me. She is selfless. Not every adoptive mom is that way. I am grateful for her and her family that makes me feel welcome. I am grateful for my sweet future hubby who comes with and after we leave I ask him if he was comfortable and he says yes. It was a dream. 

5.  My

Fiance opened up on our drive to the Mother's day lunch with the little boy and his precious family. He has said this before but he doesn't like it when I say my son. My baby. He said he hurts when I have mother bear instincts. He wants me to feel that when I am with him and we raise our children. He is okay with having the same relationship with them that we do now. It is just that my word that stings his soul. He says baby is his mom and dads, he isn't mine. For my future husband, I am going to work on not saying my. Honest it is hard to not want to take ownership and have those mother bear reactions but after the sealing I have them less. I feel. We all feel. He will forever be mine but I do need to work on not saying my baby... I need to ask Charity about this. Either way, baby boy I love you and that doesn't change anything.

6. last night

I wish that every time I met someone who is adopted I wouldn't want to help them love their birth mom but I have this ownership. I flew back from California one time and sat behind a lady and a guy. They were talking and at the end she was telling him she was adopted 20 years before or more. She was going to meet her birth mom and her family... I loved that story. Last night I didn't love that story. This man, 28 years old said he didn't like his adoptive parents and he didn't want to meet his birth parents ever if that is who they put him with then he didn't want to know them. I am lucky for my situation, I do take on this pain of this poor man. I have him in the forefront of my mind. I prayed for him last night. It is remarkable how we connected and how easy he is to read. He is GREAT with words. I asked him if his love language is words of affirmation. Yes. I knew it was but I had to know. Then he talked about how he married first because his g/f was prego. He married her quickly then she miscarried. Then second he was engaged and then got prego then got married but he didn't marry her because she was prego. I don't think he will ever read this but I think en-grained into him he wishes he would have been raised by his birth parents. I wish he would let himself heal. It was really interesting to hear him, to hear his soul cry. I may have put him on a mental list, I want to save him. He is my fiances friend. We are going to the zoo with him and his daughter in June. I can't wait.

Baby boy- I loved you so much that I died for you. I died on the inside. Placing you wasn't easy. It is easier now after ten months and by the time you ever care to read any of this I will have had years and years of time to heal. It may appear I don't care about you or you may think that. It isn't true I loved you from the start. Your healing time will be different then mine. You will I am sure have a day that you fight with your parents, that is normal in any circumstance. It isn't going to be fun because they are wise and lovely. I feel that you will be easy going and when I dreamt about you, you were. You love like you mom and you are smart and guarded like your dad. You will first have people earn your trust, that is smart and safe... I saw this in my dream. You are deadly handsome. ;) I love you, you are going to always be my love. When you meet other people that have had hard times with adoption ect, it is your choice what you choose. You can choose to hate and you can choose to love. Choose to love, you will be happier and be able to show the fruits of adoption easily. I know you are going to be the best boy ever. I am just overly worried when I meet people with different circumstances. Call me, text me, email me any time. You are so loved.


XOXO

Kisses to that sweet baby boy and right on his sweet nose. 

XXX

mama alice

happy mothers day to me

I am going to toot my own horn for a second. Be prepared. 

I get so nervous around my birthday or any holiday. Last year was when I got to take the sacrament and that was the best gift ever. This year I feel like a mom but I don't get thanked, I don't get something from work. Someone asked me who has kids that I know of.... does that mean I am not a mother, you know I had a baby- I am a birth mom. It does make me a little sad and not really know how to feel feeling. I am so grateful for adoptive mom and all she does for little boy and I am SO thankful for my mom too. I can't help but just want to feel a little bit of a pat on the back but I also don't want to expect anything. I don't think I will get any texts or love from anyone. For sure the birth dad isn't going to toot a horn for me.... I don't know. It is kinda awkward. I just try to remember my mom. I love her. She is so wonderful.

I am going to toot my own horn for a second though because I DID DO A LOT FOR A BABY BOY that is here on this earth. I did do a miracle. I did. I am so thankful for everyone in his life and I can't seem to stop thinking about feeling like a mom but nobody recognizing it. 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2001/11/are-we-not-all-mothers?lang=eng

Are We Not All Mothers?

SHERI L. DEW

Okay I am starting to feel validated and not quite so sad. 

I am so grateful for being able to be a birth mom. Lots of joy has come to my heart. Lots of love has come to me. I for sure don't think it as rewarding as being able to have a baby I take with me and get to see everyday but I am glad that I can bring that love to 2 people times a million. This little guy has helped many lives. He has showed me how to know and choose a husband. I really have this sweet baby to thank for my sweetheart. I know he is to be my husband. I know it. He has helped me so much. I do wish things were fair, but they aren't consequences are real. As my favorite church leader said, your consequence was larger then your sin. I know I am a little funny and different for doing this but I know that I need to do it. I have to. Validation is important to me and I need it, so I don't crash. So I don't let my sadness over take me for feeling like a single mom with no kids.  So I don't forget what I have to be grateful for. Please thank birth moms everywhere. We don't want to be forgotten. Even if it is late, please tell us thank you. We don't get to hear EVER that we have a cute little boy unless we send a picture to our friend. My best friend thank you for telling me that baby boy gets cuter every time you see him. I took a year of my life and now some to think about this little boy. We did many things alone and laying down and sipping on water and trying to sleep through the pain. It was all worth it though. Even just seeing the little glimpse into his life is huge. Seeing the fruit of my labor. 

I am lucky he has amazing parents. Both mother and father.

I think about this quote a lot. This is what the baby gave me. He of course gives me joy but he gives me hope for my life too. 

Hopefully this doesn't come across like I am the biggest brat. Maybe one day I will be embarrassed about this but it is really, how I feel. I have this odd, mother bear ownership feeling stage I am going through.

To all the birth moms I love you.

To all the adoptive moms I love you.

To all that are trying to adopt, keep smiling. I am sure your hurting.

To all those trying to get pregnant. I am wishing, hoping and praying for you. 

Honestly infertility is terrible, I really feel it is one thing that puts birth moms and adoptive moms hearts intertwined.  It isn't fair. Not at all.

I love you that have to listen to the those going through this. Thank you, you are why I make it.  I had to have a list of ten people who could be there for me. 

You have been. 

Thank you.

I love you