thoughts and thinks

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1. my blog
2. writing is healing
3. I got you a little something
4. best mother's day ever
5. my
6. last night

1. my blog

I am laying in bed and thinking and looking though facebook pictures of baby boy. I love seeing his pictures when he was itty bitty and then going up to now when he is 21 pounds, crawling, eating, has two teeth. It is insane right. I am just so grateful for the blog. I love it. I am grateful for each view and somehow it brings validation. I encourage all to blog. DO It

2. writing is healthy
There is something magical for me about writing. It is the most healing way for my soul to speak and be heard. Sometimes thoughts are thoughts and ideas are ideas, sometimes they don't last. Sometimes the prediction is false but for the most part, BAM it heals me. It takes my mind off the subject and gives permission to let it go. It's not like I don't want to think about baby boy but I do have to think about other things, like laundry and buying a scale and going to Lagoon... packing lunch... I do have to. Sometimes I can get myself really sad. If I let myself. Oh I can get myself down in the dumps, like November. November I was black in the soul and couldn't feel things. I pushed myself into holes. The blog still helped. My time with the babies dad really helped for a good 5 days. I will never forget him grabbing my hands... it was true love... it was lovely. It was charity. That is my favorite moment with him and I wouldn't have gotten that if I didn't feel so black so maybe that is worth it because I have never felt so visited by the Savior before. Ever. The Savior stood beside me... okay maybe that is to personal but SEE the blog is healing.

My friend is going through a painful time in her life too. She has anxiety in a terrible way. She is hurting and I really think the above quote is for her. I also feel it is for me. I had a friend who kept a journal through her pregnancy and then birth and her thoughts and feelings. It was the best path painted for me. I was in her head. I didn't feel bad for wanting to keep baby boy, I didn't feel bad for having a hatred... it was a grief and a pattern I experienced. It was a great way to track things when I was doing something so secret and most important, sacred.

3. "I got you a little something"

Babies mom called me on Saturday, and said those words, "I got you a little something" Oh no, I asked her if she read my blog and she said no. I told her that I was a little embarrassed now. I don't know how she does it but the Lord speaks to her heart even before I have the chance. She is the best. I love the gift. The card was perfect. Our mom's. Love her and I love that she hears the Lord and is an instrument in His hands. I feel so loved by this woman. By this mother. She speaks to my heart. We are connected in a way I will never be able to describe. She is one of my best friends. She is part of my heart. Thanks for tooting a horn for me on Mothers day. 

4. Best mothers day evaa

My fiance, spoke in church and it melted my heart. We drove a distance to see sweet baby boy and his mom's family. Last mothers day I got to take the sacrament. I loved that. This mothers day I felt like a mother. Secret mother but none the less a mother. I created him. I birthed him. I am blessed by his life. Because of him, we both will have eternal families. He prepared me for my fiance who stole my heart and has it wrapped up so careful and tight. I am so thankful for da mommy of baby boy who shared that afternoon with me. She is selfless. Not every adoptive mom is that way. I am grateful for her and her family that makes me feel welcome. I am grateful for my sweet future hubby who comes with and after we leave I ask him if he was comfortable and he says yes. It was a dream. 

5.  My

Fiance opened up on our drive to the Mother's day lunch with the little boy and his precious family. He has said this before but he doesn't like it when I say my son. My baby. He said he hurts when I have mother bear instincts. He wants me to feel that when I am with him and we raise our children. He is okay with having the same relationship with them that we do now. It is just that my word that stings his soul. He says baby is his mom and dads, he isn't mine. For my future husband, I am going to work on not saying my. Honest it is hard to not want to take ownership and have those mother bear reactions but after the sealing I have them less. I feel. We all feel. He will forever be mine but I do need to work on not saying my baby... I need to ask Charity about this. Either way, baby boy I love you and that doesn't change anything.

6. last night

I wish that every time I met someone who is adopted I wouldn't want to help them love their birth mom but I have this ownership. I flew back from California one time and sat behind a lady and a guy. They were talking and at the end she was telling him she was adopted 20 years before or more. She was going to meet her birth mom and her family... I loved that story. Last night I didn't love that story. This man, 28 years old said he didn't like his adoptive parents and he didn't want to meet his birth parents ever if that is who they put him with then he didn't want to know them. I am lucky for my situation, I do take on this pain of this poor man. I have him in the forefront of my mind. I prayed for him last night. It is remarkable how we connected and how easy he is to read. He is GREAT with words. I asked him if his love language is words of affirmation. Yes. I knew it was but I had to know. Then he talked about how he married first because his g/f was prego. He married her quickly then she miscarried. Then second he was engaged and then got prego then got married but he didn't marry her because she was prego. I don't think he will ever read this but I think en-grained into him he wishes he would have been raised by his birth parents. I wish he would let himself heal. It was really interesting to hear him, to hear his soul cry. I may have put him on a mental list, I want to save him. He is my fiances friend. We are going to the zoo with him and his daughter in June. I can't wait.

Baby boy- I loved you so much that I died for you. I died on the inside. Placing you wasn't easy. It is easier now after ten months and by the time you ever care to read any of this I will have had years and years of time to heal. It may appear I don't care about you or you may think that. It isn't true I loved you from the start. Your healing time will be different then mine. You will I am sure have a day that you fight with your parents, that is normal in any circumstance. It isn't going to be fun because they are wise and lovely. I feel that you will be easy going and when I dreamt about you, you were. You love like you mom and you are smart and guarded like your dad. You will first have people earn your trust, that is smart and safe... I saw this in my dream. You are deadly handsome. ;) I love you, you are going to always be my love. When you meet other people that have had hard times with adoption ect, it is your choice what you choose. You can choose to hate and you can choose to love. Choose to love, you will be happier and be able to show the fruits of adoption easily. I know you are going to be the best boy ever. I am just overly worried when I meet people with different circumstances. Call me, text me, email me any time. You are so loved.


XOXO

Kisses to that sweet baby boy and right on his sweet nose. 

XXX

mama alice