Saturday I woke up and went to the gym. Same thing I have done every morning the past 5 days but today my friend Annie was coming. I picked her up and we went, it was GREAT and on her way home she started talking about labor and having babies and what it would be like to have a baby. INSTANTLY depressed again or recognizing that it was still with me. I went home knowing I was going to see my parents and sister I didn't know if I would have it in me. Could I really do this.
I showered and as I was putting on sacred things that is an outward sign of my inward commitment to God I thought about not wearing these things. As I was putting them on I thought these are my last drops. This is my last drop of oil I have to have the faith to put these on. The story of the ten virgins flashed into my mind.
See the virgins below, see the turmoil.. feel it? They were on their last drops....
I was packing and getting Christmas gifts ready to give to my sister and her fam and I was just miserable. I didn't want to go and I know I was taking my time. I loaded up and was carrying things out to my car I thought to myself if anyone were to see me right now they would think that I was a pack camel. Little did I know, someone was accross the parking lot watching me as he walked over to my door.
I went back in and didn't shut the door all the way. I was going to be grabbing my purse and my front seat items and running out the door.
KNOCK KNOCK
Who would be at my door? I was just outside.
"Come in" nothing.... hmmmmm they had to have seen my door was cracked, nobody knocks on my door and nobody told me they are coming over.... who could possibly be knocking... my neighbors? Why wouldn't they come in, maybe they didn't hear me.
"Come in"
I went around to open the door from being cracked and I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED> Right at first I though who is this because he had flowers in his hands and he is tall and I don't know anyone tall and.... it's the babies dad. I looked at him and as we know from this week I have been very angry with life and that including him and I want to blame him for some of my hurt. I just looked for a second probably unnoticed and said, "hi, you read my blog huh?"
He gave me the flowers and I didn't know what to do. Why was he here.... what was he going to say, why did I ever publish such horrible things about a human. He said something like yup babies mom read me your blog. my heart hit the floor.
plunk.
He asked if he could hug me and he said, "like a long hug" He just held me. This tall giant, toned, no love handles kind of man. He just held me for about 30 seconds I would say and I was lightly sobbin in the soft side of his elbow. It was so divine and inspired.
Feeling panic and trying to hide being uncomfortable I put the flowers in a vase with water and kinda cleaning up the kitchen counter that had a list of 35 things I was going to do last night like bleach my fish and get pregnant again and steal the baby back and depression quotes I found online and printed out.... embarrassing!!
He asked," are you just leaving somewhere and I responded that I was... he said "can you sit down and talk for a bit. I was like yeah that is fine. I sat down on the top of the bar and he sat at my right.
I sobbed a little, I was in shock.
He said he wanted to talk to me about some things.
Oh how I wish I could have recorded this... this doesn't do justice for the magical hour.
He told me how his relationship is with babies mom and really, that is private. Basically, he doesn't doa good job at telling, he likes to gift give and when they are in a disagreement he always loves her purely... He gave me a note to read that he wrote this week to her. 4 pages note. ;) Halfway through reading I thought I hope I am not in this letter, I wasn't and I was SO SO SO glad I wasn't. I love that they have a relationship alone, together. I feel so strongly that it is important that they love another beyond baby and beyond everything. THEY ARE the most important things to another. The baby will be blessed by their love for another far more then any love towards me or him which fortunetly they have an abundance of love for him and me thank goodness. It was VERY GOOD for me to talk with him. He told me about loosing his dog this week (which I wrote about earlier and felt embarrassed about again) and how nice it was to have his baby there. He could love on him and kiss him and he would smile and laugh. Baby boy is just cute.
He told me how "your son is now in our home and you will never go away, you will always be apart of us" I said even if I move he said we will always see you again. He told me that when the baby is sealed he feels like that is bringing us closer. I need to ponder this more but I REALLY LIKED thAT. We talked about eternal families and he melted my heart.
He told me that when I came over and carved pumpkins last week he wishes that I could come over more often. I loved that. I needed to hear that. I told him I come as often as I can because I am so busy.
He said that loves me and thinks of me as a friend. He doesn't have any friends besides one friend. I told him I really like that about him because I think that helps him to focus on his lovely wife and baby. He told me about his one friend that he has. He said he will be the babies best friend or the baby will be his best friend or basically both. ;) He can't wait to do things with the baby.
He told me about a high adventure trip he did when he lived in a tropical place and did all this amazing stuff.
He told me how horrible he feels because he is going to school and his wife is working ( i loved that he was being so RAW with me.)
He told me that whenever I need a blessing whatever the time to call for one and if we need to go out and do things once in a while that he would go with me and do things and asked about what I like to do. He told me about how he loved his pet lizard, something with a charmoile?.. i don't remember and how when it was dying his tongue fell out and he would roll up the tongue to put it back in. He even did the movements to show me. (I loved it and laughed a little) HE loves animals and he really showed me that side.
He let me read a letter he wrote his wife and my sweet baby boys mom. He listed off in the letter things he wants to work on.
THIS MELTED ME.
We talked a long time.
I don't remember what or why this happened but he grabbed my hands in his and he said something..... I obviously was so in shock he would grab both of my hands..... I wish I could find a picture of this. I felt an overwhelming love.
It felt like these pictures mixed into one. The top one because we do have a special connection and though we will never hold hands like this probably again I felt like it was him telling me of my worth and of the love he has for me all in one movement. The picture below because I need help and he is as I would love my grandpa. I haven't ever had one on the earth while I have been alive but I feel like it would be a deep love like I have for the babies dad.
Like I said, he said some things that I don't remember. Whatever it was, it was perfect.
He kept saying sometimes he says things that hurts peoples feelings and it is the wrong time. I loved this. He was being humble. He was out of the box.
He talked to me about what it will be like when I start dating someone, which seems like 6 months- whenever God thinks and i think it is the right timing. I need to align with God.
I wonder what I could do better for the family because they are to perfect for me.
Okay, back to babies dad. SO he told me whenever I need him. I can call him and he will hug me or we can go on a walk and talk and that we could go to the cross fit gym together. He said Your not my wife but your my sons mom and I want to be here for you. or something like that.
MELT
MELT
MELT
I drove to meet my family and I didn't feel one ounce of depression. I felt like me again. Like I can do this. I can accomplish the world. I felt like the birth mom I have been and the righteous one. The virgin Mary feeling and not the woman that needed to be stoned.
I think the best way to put it is I feel like Jesus Christ himself came to me.
It was Jesus Who knocked. It was Jesus that walked through those doors. It was Jesus who hugged me. It was Jesus who held my hands. It was Jesus who healed me.
The SPIRIT BURNS in my heart. IT BURNS. IT IS A RAGING FIRE.
It is these two images mixed. but better then this but there isn't an image I can find.
I can't get this out of my head.
“You Are My Hands”
Second Counselor in the First Presidency
I am the most overly lucky woman and birth mom. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to say cruel things and end up having a spiritual experience. This was just amazing.
It was like HE was saying you aren't forgotten Alice. You aren't forgotten.
Here is the babies dad who I have not bonded with completely. Yes, I have teased him. Yes I have seen him once and a while. Yes, I know he is SUPPOSED to be the babies dad and yes I have always loved him. Yes, I know he is grateful but this is NOT NORMAL.
I kept telling him sorry about what I wrote and he dismissed it. That is NOT WHY he came over. He came over because he really does love me.
I kept picturing their house before he came over.
He said that babies mom read this blog and said babies dad you need to hear something. Alice wrote about you. He said, do I need to sit down? and she said I think you better. So he sat down and he listened. He said that he wanted to instantly go get me flowers and come over and that she said ( I love that it wasn't her idea) She said according to him that she didn't know if that was a little to forward or good idea.
He gave me the best card. I waited a while to read it but it was so nice I read it twice.
I feel like I saw Jesus. I can't help but say that.
I don't think it is blasphemy. I really feel like I could tell people, HE LIVES, HE LOVES US> God so loved the world that HE SENT HIS SON. I KNOW BECAUSE I SAW HIM through my babies dad.
My friend said, this is not normal Alice. I am not sure why she tells me this. I feel grateful but I must say, it isn't normal. People aren't humble like this.
On my long drive to meet my family I kept thinking about this over and over and then I thought ,I hope this is all okay with the mom. I called her. I tried to resist for hours but couldn't hold it in. The phone rang and rang and rang and then she said hi and i was so shocked I said hello, I thought it was going to be your voicemail. She was cleaning the blinds. Isn't she just perfect?
I really think she is.
So, I talked to her and told her and she said she is fine just if we go shooting she wants to come. LOL.
I feel like I don't deserve this. I feel like I am the most lucky woman in the world.
You know what else I love. I love myself again and I know what it feels like to be the recipient of charity. The pure love of Jesus Christ.
I feel like i have been healed.
Babies Dad,
You saved me. You SAVED SAVED ME. I don't really know why I wasn't ready to be saved by you before this week and why I had to hate you to love you so deeply but now I am going to make you brownies everyday ;)
I did want to make you brownies after your darling dog died but I was just over scheduled.
I never thought that I needed a man so much but I DO. I need a man that I can reach to and it to be comfortable talking with this stuff with.
I do.
I admit it. I am not able to do it alone.
We talked about that too. He said he doesn't want me to.
This is already a long post but i want to post one last thing.
When I was on my mission, Elder Wirthlin gave a talk about Charity. I was on the left side of him and I could see Elder Nelson come up and hold him and support him. I felt like I SAW CHARITY. I SAW IT. I FELT IT. I feel like this is the love the babies dad had for me.
"We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it."
That was me, I wanted love i didn't deserve.
At 7:52 He starts shaking and says the part so so important to my soul today.
The means of this refinement is our Christlike love. There is no pain it cannot soften, no bitterness it cannot remove, no hatred it cannot alter. The Greek playwright Sophocles wrote: “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.”
15
I love this family and I feel like I really am meant to be connected to them, just as they say. I gave them a baby and they gave me the hope, love and gifts I could never have without them.
They amaze me. They keep my heart burning. They are who pray for me and who want my pure happiness. They are just amazing.
I am still a little shocked and floored at the out pouring love that they have for me. Someone who should have been stoned, someone who wants to break, someone who wrote these posts this week. They love me still. They want and believe in me. They are strong for me and with me.
“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.”15
I love you and if you need help, reach out for it.
Love Alice
