life is not fun sometimes

2172 views

Last year around 9 PM tonight it will be a year since I went to see if I was pregnant and I was. For some reason this week this has been ROUGH. I am mad at everyone. I mad so mad at the dad. He doesn't ever tell me how he feels and it hurts my feelings. I feel like I did such a service and what can he do nothing. He doesn't tell me how grateful, he doesn't ask if I need a blessing. I am just needing a man to love me and he can't even love me for giving him a baby.

What would I change about the dad
1. I would have him write his feelings down. FACE THE WORLD BUDDY! There are people around you that love you and need your love and you don't give it.
2. You better be grateful for your son and your wife. I wish I could see this more in him
3. You need to tell me that you are thankful and talk about my feelings.
4. I DO NEED  a strong example of a man in my life and that just might have to be you to bless me because nobody else cares or is in the situation to. I need  you to ask if I need a blessing and I do. Except I hate you so much I am not going to ask for one
5. I need to see you serve your family with a smile, You seem grumpy and it bothers me.
6. I need to see you care,

I am mad at him. I KNOW he would die if he were to read this. I don't know why I am targeting him in my grief but I am. I just think if he has so much why doesn't he be more thankful. (scoffing) I know it sounds just so MEAN and rude but I need affirmation. I get to hear from his wife who is so loving and with them loosing their dog and everything this week I am sure they are really going through a tough week. I don't doubt it but these are really feelings and feelings of grief.

It is interesting I choose to hate the dad.

I kinda hate everything though. I hate that my sister, though she doesn't have the best husband has the cutest babies and I have nobody.

I haven't talked to anyone on purpose this week. It has been SUCH A HARD week. I would say by far my 2nd hardest week. The first was saying goodbye to my baby and when he wasn't mine any more. Now I gave him away. I am going through every part of grief. I am SO SO SO depressed. More then ever. I am so SO SO full of hate. Hate towards almost everyone who has a better life then me. I am not mad at my caseworker though. I am mad at the guy who got me prego and donated a sperm to my body. I am full of HATE. I am going through why I didn't just keep the baby and have him to hold. I am SO deprived of it.

Yet I am feeling the extremes because God is constantly with me. He REALLY IS> I feel the most hate and love from God all at the same time.

My friend is friends with this family.
IF I HEAR ONE MORE THING ABOUT HOW GREAT THEY ARE, I am going to burst. I don't care how great they are cause every time you say how great they are I am going to kill over.

I feel so sick and nasty but I REALLY have these feelings and if I don't feel them I think they will just disappear and come back later BIG AND STRONG.

I have hated the family before. It seems ridiculous after I am through this but for now I don't care. I am mad. I do think they are selfish to think and ever complain that things are hard. They have a baby. I don't.

I lately feel like a single mother with no children.

Blessings of the week.

The lady I visit teach wants me to watch her baby so her husband and her can go on date.
The families dog died- I know that is mean but I am kinda grateful because I dunno, they have everything. They get the smiles and they get people to see the baby from MY BELLY they get to dress him up they get to hug him, they get to kiss him and they get to post pictures of him on facebook, they get to do everything. Me- I get grief. depression up the ying yang and anger pouring from my heart.
I got to go to the best class last night.
I picked up my cousins from gymnastics and this little 4 year old who has some sort of disability loved me and wanted me to hold her and laugh with her. IT MADE ME FEEL SO SO LOVED. I could cry it meant so much.
My best friend drove up to visit me and I wasn't alone for 24 hours
A lady in the neighborhood called and asked me to come over and see her.
I got to see my other friend and although for some reason I am mad at her it was still good to see her. LOL oh man I am a nasty these days.
I got to talk to her yesterday too
I do love the family, I texted the mom last night that I love thinking of you LOVES LOVES, I do still love them but I feel a jealousy and hatred too. It is awkward and odd and I am probably developing a brain problem and will be in a mental hospital but at least I have a reason, I GAVE MY BABY AWAY!!


Oh well, life goes on and I am pretty happy today. Just feeling extreme emotions. I had a great work out today. It feels so empowering to work your body.

This is the song in my heart, BAM!