Dear depression

2366 views, 87 views to my blog today. THAT IS INSANE

Dear depression,

You are not going to win. I am not sure how or why you came back since my miracle on Saturday and I know GOD LOVES ME> I can't deny that. There are to many miracles. but guess what. You aren't going to win. I have so many wonderful friends and family. You aren't going to win.

This morning I told my mom how I was going to lunch with the baby and his family and she said oh that will be good. ____ THIS IS A MIRACLE. She never says these things. I am glad she sees that openness is really good for me and my situation.

I love the babies dad. I love him. I am not sure exactly what I would be thinking if it weren't for him. On Friday I was at a level 10 for depression. It was HORID. I feel like I can't seem to distract myself from the depression. Saturday after the babies dad came over, I was at a zeron. Sunday I was at a zeron. Monday, I was at a zero, Tuesday I went to a 4 and today I am at a 6. I am not to the point where I want to do the things on my list like steal the baby back or kill my snake or go do something for a thrill. I am thank GOODNESS beyond that right now. I am at a 6.

I am going to beat you depression.

Today I beat you when I woke up from the worst dream and I called my mom. I beat you.

I beat you when I went to the gym.

I beat you when I talked to my mom about good things in life and how I can make more guy friends who could potentially be my lover... once I beat this awful depression.

I beat you when I put my make up on.

I beat you when I wore clothes that make me feel good.

I beat you when I came to work.

I beat you when I worked.

I beat you when I made a plan.

You may have beat me a little when I asked the family if they were sure if they wanted a sad person like me to come over.

They helped me beat you when they told me they love me and will be my anchor while I go through this.

I BEAT YOU!

I need a temple buddy.

I need a set schedule of someone to be with every single day.

I can't be alone.

I will beat depression. I will beat you.

I am beating you. I feel about a 5.

I don't have clamydia, I don't have any STD that I am aware of. I provided a healthy body for  a baby, my baby boy to grow in.

I do feel selfish calling him mine. It must be something with the depression.

He is mine, right?

I dunno. One more thing to talk about with my caseworker.

Depression, come here. Come here, look me in the eyes. Yes, I am going to beat you. I feel like I have got it down to a 4 now.

I read the card that the babies dad wrote me this morning. I beat you depression.

I deleted the messages that these boys send me that make me feel like doing naughty things. I DID IT. I beat you depression and I am on the Lords team.

WIth the Lord I can do anything. I will do anything. We will do anything. I want to do what he wants me to do.

(I just got a text from babies mom, I love her)

I think the depression is at a one. I know God lives. I know he has a Son that was able to bring us all back to him. I know that the Spirit and though it is a hard job His presence can be with me to guide me because I chose to follow the path Jesus made as he was on earth. He made this path for us and I did it. I followed. I know the Spirit at times can't be with me and I don't let it be with me. Sometimes even when I am sad the spirit is with me. He tells me it will be okay and work out. Sometimes I shove the spirit out and sometimes I tell it to come back. Spirit. I know you are in my heart right now. I am at a zero. I KNOW THERE IS HEALING POWER IN OUR THOUGHTS. Only I CAN choose to get rid of it. Sometimes I can't do this like last week.

I am happy, I beat depression for this hour and I will fight it today.

I have my gloves on. I will take you down.

Dear depression, you won't win.

Jesus always wins.

Love your friendly Alice. who is beaming on the inside.

Whoever reads this, thank you for reading. WE CAN DO IT!

BTW, I have a testimony of adoption. This is a beautiful way with no answers that God reaches into our souls. I don't like infertility.

Babies mom- this is about you and it isn't bad but it shows me love I have for you and I dunno. Maybe you won't want to read it.

I have already been praying for the month I want the babies mom to get pregnant. She will get pregnant this month. She will. I am fasting, praying and I feel a burning in me. SHE WILL! Heavenly Father, please give me that gift. I will do anything for that. It will heal me if she can only get pregnant at this certain month. I will wait 4 months for her to tell me that she is or isn't after this certain time.

If she doesn't get pregnant then, maybe it will be the next time this month comes around but I think this certain month feels really good, I can't receive inspiration but it is something I look forward to.

I better talk to my caseworker about that too. Is it healthy for me to do that?

One more thing, I don't want to forget this either.

That babies dad gave me flowers on Saturday. When I am home I take them with me to each room. I take them with me to the bathroom, I take them with me to the kitchen. They are on my bedside as I am sleeping. I have to take them with me. They remind me of the love  his has for me. I know the babies mom loves me but i need a male in my life to love me and that is her husband. SHe is so unselfish. I don't quite get it.

The friend didn't tell me today that she thinks that the family is perfect. I am so glad. I do think they are mostly perfect but can't I be the one to say that?

Okay so I wish I would have brought the flowers with me to work. I have been taking his card with me but I have it tucked in a book so it doesn't bend and my back is hurting so for now I just switched for the very first time a picture on my background of the baby and me on my phone. It is from Halloween and I have a wig on and the baby has a pumpkin outfit on.

He is the cutest pumpkin.

Last night was the first time I could look at facebook and she the pictures of baby boy on the 8th for his 4 months. There was the cutest video.

Sometimes when I look at facebook I think. I those were supposed to be my comments. Those were supposed to be my videos. Other times I think those are the families. Most of the time I think that. Sometimes I can't even read the comments. They hurt to much.

It really is like I am going through infertility. I am mad, I feel like I can't find love, I feel like something is wrong with me. I am mad at God for not giving me a husband, I am mad at my husband for not finding me. I am feeling like I can't have children of my own. I feel powerless, I feel like there is a secret out there. I can't STAND IT WHEN people tell me what they think I should do to find a husband yet that is all I ask about HAHAHAHA oh I do kinda like it though.

2 weekends ago I met this lady. She is a mom to an adorable boy who married a girl and the girl had a baby and placed the baby and now is having her own baby. Come to think about it. That is when I started getting depressed. HUH. It must have stemed from seeing her happy but she is in the Lords timetable and years away from placing her baby.

OKAY just got a text from my friend. she placed her baby and she said she was sad and depressed for about 6 months. HOLY MOLY! WOW... I dunno if I can do this.YES I CAN! I will beat it. It is okay to be sad just not depressed and dying. Which I am not right this second.

Okay so this lady went into her bishop and started bawling and telling him she didn't want to be alone and then she went to this firside and met this guy who only wanted to be friends, he had cancer and he didn't want anything more then friends. Then a few months later he asked her to marry him and she did. She said she lived more in those 5 years of life then ever before. They went on trips and basked in anothers love.

Doesn't that melt your heart?

Doesn't it make you want to serve your spouse?

Doesn't that make you want to never think ill again?

It does me.

My friend texted me again and she just said that when she got a blessing it said it is your choice to be sad and you can be happy, it is your choice and stop thinking about you and get out there and focus on other people and serve others.

I am so blessed. I really do feel like I am at a zero of depression.

I am so glad because when I go visit the baby I want to be happy.

I do have a purpose. I live for is him. My baby, the little boy that kicked me, the little boy that flinced inside of me, the little boy that came out like Tarzan. I live for him because I want him to know he comes from good roots. I will make good choices for him.

The other thing I live for is Jesus. He loves me always.

I also live for my future children.

I had a dream last night and I think one of my future children was in it. It was a scary dream. I think the thing is my future children do come and cheer for me. They come and say GO MOM GO. They tell me to keep my chin up.

I MUST KEEP IT UP!

I am waiting for you future child.

Future husband, I am kinda mad at you. WHY ARE YOU SO HARD TO FIND!? I do live for you.

I will be so good to you.

I will love you and I will fluff your pilow and I will rub your feet, I will make you dinner. I will have babies for you (unless something happens then I am sorry if one of us can't have children. I will still love you and we will look into options, I am not and will never be mad at you for that. and we will try so hard to not get mad at God. We will tell God that we are grateful we found another and then we will ask my sister if she will give us one of her tiwns. ;0 JUST KIDDING. but we will find someone and maybe your brother will give us one of his sperm? I dunno but we will be fine. We will make it. We will pray to know what to do. We will go to the temple and we will find the peace that we are promised. I hope that we can do that. oh PPPPPLEASE if I have to go through this again, not being able to have a baby I will just BEAT IT>! I hope I don't have to go through it with my family... like my first sons family)

Well I am kinda happy and more happy then I have been since Tuesday.

I love you. I love that you care to read this and that you will read it. It is depressing.

If it hurts you please stop reading. I don't need the views if your heart breaks. My heart is mostly happy.

LOVEEEEES