innocent till proven guilty

I can't help but feel guilty about my blog and to know what my motive is. Why do I write?

I write to help me. I write to hope that one day if the baby wants to know he can and I write telling him I love him.

I go through all of this for HIM> I love him .All of it is worth it.

Today's lunch was great. I loved how the dad was SUPER loving. I was so harsh on him in the depression choosing to hate someone. It is as I talked to babies mom about, it is because he is a man. I need better relationships with men. I am so grateful for babies dad. HE IS SO SO SO GREAT> I mean I compared him to Jesus last time. He really melts my heart.

He gave me a blessing today.

I LOVED IT> He told me I am going through a hard time and listed off the things. He talked about me being a missionary in the gospel and I do have people in my life I can be missionaries to. I am going to do it.

I also was told to lean on the spirit. I find that so interesting because I just blogged about that. Isn't that great.

HE LOVES ME.

He also said your son loves you and is taken care of.

I held baby the whole time. It was the best.

I stayed longer then I should have but it was so healing. I want to talk to the babies mom more often. She is just so great. I want her time but I feel guilty stealing her time.

When I was over the depression was vanished. I felt free.

I cried a little when I was driving in to see them. I miss their dog. I really did cry. I just could have sobbed and I only cried.

Through the pregnancy I only cried 7 times. I cry ALL THE TIME now. I have turned into a crier. I like it. It suits me.

I want to make brownies for the dad. He just melts my heart and I love him.

I want to hold the baby forever. He spit up on me and I smell like it.

We talked about how the mom hurts when I talk about how when the baby was in me I liked to play with his foot. I stole that from her but I do think it is okay. It is sad and I really could cry if I think about it long enough. I want her to be prego so so so much.

She also talked about writing a book.

What topics would you want to know about:?

I asked my assistant- this is what he said.

1. common misconceptions about adoption
2. this is difficult
3. this is not

I agree with her when she didn't really say but someone went up to her and said that they wish they could adopt and they have three biological children.

THAT IS HURTFUL. 

You don't say that. You do not say anything of the such. I want to help them understand why that is hurtful.

That is the sad thing- people commonly don't know that I placed a baby. Sometimes I don't like people to know.

It would be fun to write a book with her. Bonus being I get to heal as I write it and then talk to her which I want to just be around her all the time. She is just wonderful. But she deserves to have her time. 

Little boy,

I got to hold you today. I am not mad at all that you spit up all over on me through 3 layers and then now I smell like you. I LOVED it. I was melted by your laughs and giggles. We ate lunch. Well I held you and your parents ate lunch.... You stick straight up. You held my hand and you rowed like in circles. You were SO SO SO cute. Your dad loves you. I like seeing you two together. He doesn't like being away from you. He made you laugh and when you laugh you have the cutest little kiiiiisssshhhhh in the back of your mouth. It is so cute. Your daddy makes you laugh and I love it. I placed you in the right place. You are so happy. I also got to see you roll over. I loved watching you.You let me put your face up to yours and I really like it. 

You know i love you.

I have loved you since I found out I was pregnant. 

I love you because I love Jesus and the love I get is from Him.

You are a miracle in many ways like you take away the pain and anger from my heart and make me love life again. You make me want to touch everyone and make everyone happy. It is so motivating. Do you know why your my favorite because you are so cute and happy and you are mine forever.

I am going to CHOOSE to be happy today. I got to hold you as I put you in your bed. Isn't your mom and dad nice? I love them. They are so great to me and they are LOVE.

LOVE YOU ALWAYS

Alice your mama Al