thoughts on adoption

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I can't stop thinking about what the mom and I talked about.

I can't tell you how much i love the babies mom. She is soooo lovely. I love how much she loves me and she is so perfect at it. She wrote a post about placement and I love the love she had for baby boy and for me. I can't stop think about the things she wrote about and has stuck into my mind. Why is my heart break her joy and why is that allowed. Why is that? I think my heart did break the day of placement. I don't want to even know the date. I can't have another number to haunt me.

Adoption is not SO COOL.

She talked about how this mother of three said to her, I wish I could adopt.

I think about what goes through her head.

We are both so fragile still. I am jealous of her. I wan to wake up in the night and see baby roll for the first time. I want to burp him and I want to hear him laugh. I want to kiss him every day.

She wants to know what it feels like to have him kick her in the side and to flinch.

With her I am so glad she lets me tell her how I loved to rub his right foot. I LOVED it. I still think it calms him down. I also think about how I got to have him. IT IS ALL I HAVE.

I think the things that makes adoption look cool are from the mother and father who adopt.

What I use to think about adoption

1. The birth mom is a slut and couldn't take care of the baby and the family saved that baby
2. The family couldn't have children and then they choose to adopt
3. The parents are so lucky
4. The birth mom just squatted down, had a baby and went on with her life. It didn't impact her and she just carried on never to think about the baby or anyone else again
5. The birth mom didn't deserve the baby
6. The poor baby who is adopted and I wonder if he knows his family
7. the poor baby who doesn't look like his family
8. The poor parents who don't look like their baby
9. It would be so cool to have 10 babies from all over the world
10. There is no heart ache because they got their baby and that is all that matters. The pain isn't associated.
11. It is easy to adopt
12. Right when you adopt you get prego because that is all you needed to do is stop worrying about it
13. I can fix you
14. The birth mom didn't love you and she "gave you up" (GRRR This makes me mad)
15. Why didn't the birth mom just control herself, she did it to herself ( this breaks my heart that I thought that and think that about myself)
16. It is honorable that she went through with the pregnancy and didn't do abortion
17. She Loved that baby before his was born and loved him enough to give him (BE SURE TO ALWAYS SAY PLACE) him or her in a good home
18. How did that couple qualify for adoption
19. there is a reason some people can't have children and they shouldn't have been able to have children (How could i have EVER thought this? I know I am a horid person. Good thing I am changing)
20. The more honest a relationship with the baby the better.
21. I wish I was adopted ( I really did wish I was adopted. I wanted to be "cool" and I read a lot of books growing up about girls who were adopted. I even thought i was and my parents didn't tell me)
22. Adoption isn't cool
23. I have  a leader who was date raped. I use to be a little judgmental of her too. I use to think, why didn't she listen to the spirit. That is what she taught us from that lesson. To listen. Now my heart aches for her. I want to wrap my arms around her. I want to see how she is. I want to know how she does it. I never want her to know I didn't listen to the spirit.

Of course I didn't think this about everyone. I rarely thought about the birth mom. I would only see the result of the adoption. I had a cousin who was adopted and he needs more love and he is in his 30s. I think about the affect everything has on me. 

I REALLY want to talk everything over with the babies mom. The adoptive mom. 

I AM SO SO SO PROTECTIVE OF HER. I love her. I love that she loves me so much and is willing to go outside the norm. I feel so selfish. She is SO SO SO busy but all I want to do is be around her. 

I actually am slightly mad at myself. She would offer herself all the time when I was prego and alone. I would text her and she would say, do you want me to come over? I felt like a burden and I would always say no. Now I can't stop thinking about this and hopefully writing this down I will feel better but, ALICE WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE HER SLEEP NEXT TO YOU!? I wish she could have slept next to me in my tiny full bed. I wish I could have talked to her when I woke up. I wish I could have had her feel baby in me from 5-6. I feel terrible now. My lesson learned is forget yourself. I am so irritated with myself. I wish HAHA this is so gross but I feel like this. I wish I could have showed her my body and I want to stand naked for her. I want her to see what my body looks like. I want her to look at my stretch marks and imagine them on her. I want her to see my boob when I would squeeze it together and milk would come out. I want her to see what that looks like. I was always so curious. I love that I get to watch my sister pump for her babies. I love watching her nipples go in and out and release that milk. I LOVE IT in the most curious, loving happy way ever. I love watching mothers breast feed. IT IS SO PRETTY. I use to be uncomfortable. Now I want to see it. I love it. I do feel grateful I get to feed baby his bottle. I am so happy I get to feed him. 

I am so happy that baby and his mom did skin to skin. I couldn't ask her about it till maybe 2 weeks ago. It was to sad for me to ask. She did. I am so happy for her. 

What I think now about adoption

1. How many years of heart ache did you go through till you could decided to adopt?
2. Do you still hurt?
3. How many periods did you just want to die with the egg that wasn't fertilized
4. When you see a family with a baby, how much does your heart break? For the adoptive couple or anything. 
5. Life is so fragile _ I bought a snake and I COULDN'T"T believe that I would take a snake away from his mom and his brothers and sisters. It really was a confection in me I have never associated with before.
6. Every time I hear about a adoption I IMMEDIATELY think about the heart ache of the birth mom, How is she? Did she decided? Is she okay? Is she loved? Does she feel heard?
7. Are you good to your birth mom
8. Do you love your baby and never regret having him the way you do?
9. Do you pray for charity and love so you can love them? 
10. Does the baby hate his birth mom?
11. I LOATHE< I HATE the birth dad. He did this to her.
12. I HAVE AN INSTANT love for anyone in adoption. 
13. I see or should say I feel the beauty. My heart and the spirit tells me that adoption is a beautiful thing
14. I want to ask a million questions but I try to hold it in and listen to what the spirit wants me to do.

I am emotionally exhausted and I haven't even got to talk about the other things I want to share. 

I have beat depression for a few days now. Since I saw the baby. Since the mom said I can hold him anytime I need to. I have been SO good too. I haven't been doing anything I shouldn't.... I think it and then I think I want to be physically close. Then I think babies mom said I can come over and I think, do I really need to interrupt their day to solve this or can I be strong. I have been strong. 

OH I want to write about this too.

Over the past month I can tell you every time someone has touched me. Grabbed my shoulder, hugged me, kissed my cheek, my lips, touched my elbow, bumped into me. I have felt it. TOUCH is so important. I can tell you that the babies touch. MY BABY BOY ( i still feel selfish saying that, is his really mine?) my baby boy, the spirit is burning in my heart. hmmm The baby is my facorite to touch. He is my facorite to stare at. 

Oh my cousin told me she forgives me yesterday. VERRRY unique. She forgives my sin. I am not sure what is going on but it doesn't really bother me. I don't need to be forgiven by her but I think she is to delicite right now to talk to her about it.

She talked about me during her church talk. She called me Sally. LOL I like the name Alice better. She sent me the talk. It was VERY interesting. Her perspective is I did a sin.

I think she is missing it. She misses that I was forgiven long ago. I feel like she came around me with stones. She was ready to throw them. Then it hit her.... she forgave me. We are to forgive all men. It is just unreal. I can't wrap my head around that. 

To everyone reading and I don't know you because I haven't given this blog address to people in AZ I love you. I love you for caring. I am not sure why you are reading. I don't know why anyone reads it.

Do you read because you are an adoptive mom?

Do you read because you care about me?

Do you read because you are helping someone who is a birth mom?

Are you a birth mom?

Are you pregnant?

Do you enjoy reading?

Do you read because you laugh at me?

Do you read because you are my babies mom?

Do you read because you are my friend and you don't want to talk to me about it and I don't bring it up but you care? I would like to think so/

This weekend my sister got mad at me for waiting to tell her. It wasn't that I based my friendship off of if I told you or not. It wasn't like that. I didn't tell people because I wanted to hide it. I wanted to get use to it. I wanted time to me. I wanted it to by my choice. I didn't want to hear it from anyone else.

I really did think about single parenting.

This morning my mom talked about what the birth dad should have done. She is going through grief. She is in the stage of what if this or what if that.

She is actualy opening her heart to the couple. I LOVE IT. It is what i pray for. 

She says the hardest day was saying goodbye to you baby.

I love to whisper in your ear baby. I love to tell you how much I love you.

I love you, I love your mommy and I love your daddy.

Babies mom, I don't tell you this but thanks for sharing the mama name with me. I love you. Your heart is so pure. I am lucky to have you.

Mama Alice