commandments.

In a class I was taking I was learning about the commandments. I have been thinking about this because I think what are my motives. I am slightly depressed still. I think Saturday was truly amazing but it still doesn't take off the edge of being alone.

I don't like seeing happy people or people with babies. I think that's the hardest part about being Alice. I loose the fact that when I am me, I am not the woman who had a baby. I am hiding a big part of me although it is sacred.

I am slightly ashamed of my feelings. Especially the negative things I write.

I don't know if my baby will ever read this but I feel bad that he will know about how much my heart ached for him. I wanted to be with him at every second. It still aches for him. I wonder when it will leave. I wonder if I will really ever have my own family.

Tonight I told a guy that I feel like he deceived me. I told him I thought he wanted to be friends and he doesn't he wants to talk to me on the phone but never meet up. I am so terribly alone. I can't just talk on the phone as I got off I texted a few of my other friends and was laying in my bed so sad and grieving the loss of another friend when I got a call from a lady from church. She is older then my mom but she invited me over to watch CSI and criminal minds.

I love this. This was a miracle sent from the heavens above.

Today I went to the chiropractor. 78 dollars to find another consequence of breaking the law of Chasity. My SI has swollen and needs to be broken down so I can move it. It is from being prego. I have 2 more treatments. When I start to think that it is over... it isn't. Depressed and sad and joint and nerve pinching from the stuff loosing up my joints and then scar tissue getting in there and yadda. It is okay. It was worth it for the cutest baby ever. The best consequence of my breaking the law of Chasity is getting a baby even if I only see him a tiny speck of his life. I love his parents. I think in order for me to recover and be a better me I needed them in my life.

So, my back is not feeling great. It is not fun. Walking is slightly painful and everything. I can still go to the gym so that is great news. I just want to loose 20 pounds by January. I really need to get going on that.



SO  the commandments. The firsts are the great commandment to Love God and the others are to love our neighbors. So if we break the top 4 aren't we saying we don't love God and if we break the bottom 6 aren't we saying we don't love God by our actions.

I don't understand where my desire to use my body to make my hate, anger and depression belong. I love my God. I want Him to love me. But because I have nobody to snuggle up to and nobody who flirts with me and nobody to hold is that my rebellion showing that I don't love God?

I rebel because I am not loved.

I have blessings all around but at these dark times like last night. I rebelled. I texted guys who I know will give me negative attention. Does that mean I don't love God?

I am not sure where that all fits. 

The other thing, I feel like Christ came and was with me Saturday. Yet it has been these few days and I am already down in the dumps again? 

I am so rash. 

I am so quickly hurt.

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I need love but I don't know where to find it. I want to give my full hearts love and can't find someone I want to give it to.

I am picky. I do get guys who attempt to flirt with me but I can find something wrong with them in an instant. 

I keep thinking that things will work out if I complain more. 

Nothing has worked out.

For a few days I was OKAY with being alone.

Now I am back to being mad again.

I keep reading the card that the babies dad wrote me. It really helps. I carry it with me and I read and ready it. I feel his love through it. Somehow him telling me I will be a mother and a wife and that I am beautiful it helps. I think my friend ... who is going to be moving. I know everyone i know leaves me (she is moving about 2 hours away) she thought it was kinda strange how he came over and that he just was there for me. 

I need this. 

I need a man to be my guide. I need him to take me shooting and to be there for me. 

I need a dad but he isn't humble like my babies dad. 

One day I hope to have another baby and be able to come back and read this and think about my husband. For now I will just imagine him.

He will be so handsome to me. I really don't want to marry a guy who every girl thinks is good looking. I don't want that. I want him to be so handsome and mouth watering for me. Like on shallow hal and he sees people on the inside pretty, I want that for my honey.

I want him to care so much about me, he reads this blog. If you ever read this husband. I am sorry I didn' thave the faith to hold out for you sometimes and please forgive me.

I am sure you will make me less crazy.

I am kinda bored with that. I don't have the hope I will marry him so ya...

On the best note I get to see my babbbbby tomorrow. I feel weird calling him my baby. I don't know why. It makes me feel selfish. Like he isn't mine but he is ours lol. He is his parents, I think I am just going through a hard time and I wish I wasn't but I am. 

I wish my snake wasn't dying. 

I hope nothing happens and I still get to see them tomorrow.

I sometimes forget that even though they have a baby, they have hard days too. 

I like it when they lean on me through their hard times, it gives me purpose. 

I am working on not texting men who only want me for my body. I am working on only giving men attention who are lovers of the commandments which means lovers of God and their neighbors.

I am working on loving me. 

I am working on not searching for men who I can rescue.... that is hard.

I am working on not getting mad everytime friend says, "The baby was meant to be theirs and you couldn't ask for better parents"

It hurts my spirit everytime and she said it at 4 today and I still feel the sting that I am not good enough to be his mom. I am not good enough. 

Oh great, I am so depressed again.

maybe I should stop talking to her for a while. I hurt.

Will I ever be good enough or should i just leave this path I am on? Will I ever make it? Will I ever be someone that can be perfect enough? 

Maybe I give up now??