I just got off the phone with the babys mom. She sings to my soul. She speaks to my heart.
I love her. I really do love her.
I am so grateful for her and her adorable family. May my heart always be filled with love and happiness as it is today.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
moroni, I love you
1580 views
I wonder who is reading this... please email me any thoughts and feelings to fromtheheart1016@gmail.com I would love to hear if this is helping you at all or your thoughts, especially meridian idaho person.
SO! I went to bed feeling sad and woke up feeling sad. This has been the hardest week. I think almost harder then the week that I had him and placed him. Almost. That was pretty rough too....
I have been wanting a blessing SO SO much and not really felt like i knew who to call or to ask or when to ask. I just knew I would feel better once I got one but I just didn't know. I didn't want to be burden to anyone and I have been wanting a blessing from the babies adoptive dad for a long time. I wanted to exhaust all other causes but nobody was answering my texts and I called my bishop but he was already at work and I just didn't know. Maybe I shouldn't have but I asked the babies adoptive dad. I really really love him and on my drive over I cried, when I got there I cried. It was like seeing them as friends not as the babies dad.
In the blessing God told me he loved me and that he knows my hearts pain. He knows how hard work has been and how hard everything is. It felt so good to hear that. God told me the baby loves me. He also told me that the baby is well taken care of and loved. He told me that i need to pray every time I think about it. I need to read my scriptures and that I need to know my friends love me. I cried and cried.
The mom asked if I wanted to see baby and I told her no.
I cried more. I just didn't want this to be about the baby. This was about me today. This was about me feeling pain and I needed to be about me.
As he was giving the blessing I didn't want him to stop. I wanted to continue to feel that love and the comfort.
I headed straight for the temple. I was red eyed, teared. wearing a skirt that is to short so I had leggings on under and wearing flip flops but I felt like God wanted me to come.
I walked in and felt that immediate peace again like I was getting a blessing. I felt so good and I cried.
I did a part in the temple and as I was changing into my clothes I cried, this is the stall that I always used when I was pregnant and I cried.
I cried during the blessings and thinking one day. One day more.
I prayed and prayed every time I got sad about baby.
I have a necklace and in a circle it says love (babies name) always or always love babies name or babies name always love. I feel like sometimes it says to me the baby loves me and the other that I love the baby. It goes all ways because of the circle and it couldn't be a more perfect gift from the family.
I do feel better. I opened the scriptures in the temple to Moroni 7. I have read this chapter over and over again. Because I do feel like I have the gift of charity and I do need faith and hope.
These words were words from Gods mouth to my soul
God loves us and I will do everything to be seen as his disciple in the last days. I understand I was meant to go through this and I am grateful God has trusted me with such a responsibility and challenge. I will have faith. I will have hope and I will be seen as His.
I will marry, I will have a husband, I will have my children, I will have the blessings that have been given to me and that I know in my heart.
I love my friends. ALl of you. All you readers, my family, my babies family and just everyone.
May the boy who got killed yesterday in an accident be blessed and his family.
I FEEL SO GOOD AND SO WHOLE! I love life and I can do it.
I wonder who is reading this... please email me any thoughts and feelings to fromtheheart1016@gmail.com I would love to hear if this is helping you at all or your thoughts, especially meridian idaho person.
SO! I went to bed feeling sad and woke up feeling sad. This has been the hardest week. I think almost harder then the week that I had him and placed him. Almost. That was pretty rough too....
I have been wanting a blessing SO SO much and not really felt like i knew who to call or to ask or when to ask. I just knew I would feel better once I got one but I just didn't know. I didn't want to be burden to anyone and I have been wanting a blessing from the babies adoptive dad for a long time. I wanted to exhaust all other causes but nobody was answering my texts and I called my bishop but he was already at work and I just didn't know. Maybe I shouldn't have but I asked the babies adoptive dad. I really really love him and on my drive over I cried, when I got there I cried. It was like seeing them as friends not as the babies dad.
In the blessing God told me he loved me and that he knows my hearts pain. He knows how hard work has been and how hard everything is. It felt so good to hear that. God told me the baby loves me. He also told me that the baby is well taken care of and loved. He told me that i need to pray every time I think about it. I need to read my scriptures and that I need to know my friends love me. I cried and cried.
The mom asked if I wanted to see baby and I told her no.
I cried more. I just didn't want this to be about the baby. This was about me today. This was about me feeling pain and I needed to be about me.
As he was giving the blessing I didn't want him to stop. I wanted to continue to feel that love and the comfort.
I headed straight for the temple. I was red eyed, teared. wearing a skirt that is to short so I had leggings on under and wearing flip flops but I felt like God wanted me to come.
I walked in and felt that immediate peace again like I was getting a blessing. I felt so good and I cried.
I did a part in the temple and as I was changing into my clothes I cried, this is the stall that I always used when I was pregnant and I cried.
I cried during the blessings and thinking one day. One day more.
I prayed and prayed every time I got sad about baby.
I have a necklace and in a circle it says love (babies name) always or always love babies name or babies name always love. I feel like sometimes it says to me the baby loves me and the other that I love the baby. It goes all ways because of the circle and it couldn't be a more perfect gift from the family.
I do feel better. I opened the scriptures in the temple to Moroni 7. I have read this chapter over and over again. Because I do feel like I have the gift of charity and I do need faith and hope.
These words were words from Gods mouth to my soul
33 And Christ hath said: aIf ye will have bfaith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is cexpedient in me.
34 And he hath said: aRepent all ye ends of the earth, and come unto me, and be baptized in my name, and have faith in me, that ye may be saved.
35 And now, my beloved brethren, if this be the case that these things are true which I have spoken unto you, and God will show unto you, with apower and great glory at the last bday, that they are true, and if they are true has the day of miracles ceased?
36 Or have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men? Or has he awithheld the power of the Holy Ghost from them? Or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved?
37 Behold I say unto you, Nay; for it is by faith that amiracles are wrought; and it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men; wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the children of men, for it is because of bunbelief, and all is vain.
38 For no man can be saved, according to the words of Christ, save they shall have faith in his name; wherefore, if these things have ceased, then has faith ceased also; and awful is the state of man, for they are as though there had been no redemption made.
39 But behold, my beloved brethren, I judge better things of you, for I judge that ye have faith in Christ because of your meekness; for if ye have not faith in him then ye are not afit to be numbered among the people of his church.
40 And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning ahope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?
41 And what is it that ye shall ahope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have bhope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life ceternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.
42 Wherefore, if a man have afaith he bmust needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.
43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be ameek, and lowly of heart.
44 If so, his afaith and hope is vain, for none is bacceptable before God, save the cmeek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and dconfesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.
45 And acharity suffereth long, and is bkind, and cenvieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily dprovoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47 But acharity is the pure blove of Christ, and it endurethcforever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, apray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true bfollowers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall cbe like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be dpurified even as he is pure. Amen.
God loves us and I will do everything to be seen as his disciple in the last days. I understand I was meant to go through this and I am grateful God has trusted me with such a responsibility and challenge. I will have faith. I will have hope and I will be seen as His.
I will marry, I will have a husband, I will have my children, I will have the blessings that have been given to me and that I know in my heart.
I love my friends. ALl of you. All you readers, my family, my babies family and just everyone.
May the boy who got killed yesterday in an accident be blessed and his family.
I FEEL SO GOOD AND SO WHOLE! I love life and I can do it.
Monday, August 26, 2013
slowly it works out
Isn’t it wonderful to know that we don’t have to be perfect to experience the blessings and gifts of our Heavenly Father? We don’t have to wait to cross the finish line to receive God’s blessings. In fact, the heavens begin to part and the blessings of heaven begin to distill upon us with the very first steps we take toward the light.
http://lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-hope-of-gods-light.p26?lang=eng
It's really really nice to know the mom has difficulties to. I.told.her i need a break. It's just what i need. To focus and be me. She wrote me a long email about how she's been feeling. I'm so so glad she did. I feel relived. I feel so much better. God really loves us. I worked out tonight and that was good. Here is to another busy day a work tomorrow! Boo
http://lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-hope-of-gods-light.p26?lang=eng
It's really really nice to know the mom has difficulties to. I.told.her i need a break. It's just what i need. To focus and be me. She wrote me a long email about how she's been feeling. I'm so so glad she did. I feel relived. I feel so much better. God really loves us. I worked out tonight and that was good. Here is to another busy day a work tomorrow! Boo
Sunday, August 25, 2013
why i love my babies family
i love my babies family
my heart is forever connected to theirs
1. they accept the lords will
2. they are in tune.with the spirit
3. they are disciplined
4. they have open hearts
5. they are fun
6. they try new things
7. they love gods creatures
8. they love their baby
9. they have wonderful parents andsiblings
10. they are logical
11. they are beautiful
12. they are tall
13. they look like baby pop rocks
14. they love another without doubt
15. they work together
16. they have goals
17. they educate themselves
18. they are soft.hearted
19. they love me
20. they want the best foreveryone
21. they aren't procrastinators
22. they went on missions
23. they continue to amaze me
24. they are awesome
25. they are fun to be with
26. they are both honest
27. they have gorgeous laughs
28. they are sentimental
29. they don't put their hearts on riches
30. they go to the temple
31. they don't and have never worried me
i love then
my heart is forever connected to theirs
1. they accept the lords will
2. they are in tune.with the spirit
3. they are disciplined
4. they have open hearts
5. they are fun
6. they try new things
7. they love gods creatures
8. they love their baby
9. they have wonderful parents andsiblings
10. they are logical
11. they are beautiful
12. they are tall
13. they look like baby pop rocks
14. they love another without doubt
15. they work together
16. they have goals
17. they educate themselves
18. they are soft.hearted
19. they love me
20. they want the best foreveryone
21. they aren't procrastinators
22. they went on missions
23. they continue to amaze me
24. they are awesome
25. they are fun to be with
26. they are both honest
27. they have gorgeous laughs
28. they are sentimental
29. they don't put their hearts on riches
30. they go to the temple
31. they don't and have never worried me
i love then
little better
one of my sisters babies woke up..i snuggled her and she healed me temporarily
i am in acceptance again
i love everyone again. my heart is still sadbut not heart sunken
i am in acceptance again
i love everyone again. my heart is still sadbut not heart sunken
still sad
sadam terribly Ssthese are normal feelings from what my grief book says.
wantin to replace
being mad
being sad
i just woke up from a awful awful dream. my emotions are on fire.
i am still terribly sad. my heasourt hurts. my soul hurts
my reality is so skewd
my fear is the birth dad will be mad i didn't give him the baby, come back and rape me force me to give him the next baby.
I'm not goingto letthathappen or anything like it but that's my reality right now
i just want my baby..... i am in all stsges of grief.
this hurts soooooo much.
i shouldn't post these, especially incasethe family reads but i really am sad
i think it's good to remember this.
I'm in.denial. i want replaceme.t
I'm in anger. I'm angry atfhe birth dad and thefamily.
i am in guilt and bargain.. I'm goingthrough every if and why
im depressed
okay.so.three of the five
i.do want out
i.need a blessingsooooooooo mich.
i texted the mom last night, she.didnt respond so.shes is probably sleeping and the dad is too
i.texted.the cousin, no response
i need a blessing.
I'll ask my bishop today or cousin
or friend
I'm meant to feel this.
it will be okay.... right?
wantin to replace
being mad
being sad
i just woke up from a awful awful dream. my emotions are on fire.
i am still terribly sad. my heasourt hurts. my soul hurts
my reality is so skewd
my fear is the birth dad will be mad i didn't give him the baby, come back and rape me force me to give him the next baby.
I'm not goingto letthathappen or anything like it but that's my reality right now
i just want my baby..... i am in all stsges of grief.
this hurts soooooo much.
i shouldn't post these, especially incasethe family reads but i really am sad
i think it's good to remember this.
I'm in.denial. i want replaceme.t
I'm in anger. I'm angry atfhe birth dad and thefamily.
i am in guilt and bargain.. I'm goingthrough every if and why
im depressed
okay.so.three of the five
i.do want out
i.need a blessingsooooooooo mich.
i texted the mom last night, she.didnt respond so.shes is probably sleeping and the dad is too
i.texted.the cousin, no response
i need a blessing.
I'll ask my bishop today or cousin
or friend
I'm meant to feel this.
it will be okay.... right?
Saturday, August 24, 2013
sad, angry, replace
1511 VIews
I'm still grieving or i kicke it in.
It started with first wanting to be the babys mom. not to replace his mom but just take care.of him. I tried to make myself stop.thinking that but i couldn't.
i took a bath, them got more sad. the last time i took a bath, he was.inside me.
then i thought of everyone who would donate a sperm so i could get pregnant again. i can't do that again.
I'm.sad.
i want a blessing.
I'm.mad at the family. i went from.wanting tohelp them to being mad.all my.thoughts are not logical. I'm mad I'm not married that three rest of my life I'll grief this baby boy. tha when i miss him it doesn't matter what i want.
i would go into labor all over again just tohave him for my three days again.
ughhh writing isn't helping either.
heavenly father, I've beenpraying the past hour.
help me
help
mountains are hard.
I'mgoing to start distancing myself.it's the safest way.....
help meheavenly father
I'm still grieving or i kicke it in.
It started with first wanting to be the babys mom. not to replace his mom but just take care.of him. I tried to make myself stop.thinking that but i couldn't.
i took a bath, them got more sad. the last time i took a bath, he was.inside me.
then i thought of everyone who would donate a sperm so i could get pregnant again. i can't do that again.
I'm.sad.
i want a blessing.
I'm.mad at the family. i went from.wanting tohelp them to being mad.all my.thoughts are not logical. I'm mad I'm not married that three rest of my life I'll grief this baby boy. tha when i miss him it doesn't matter what i want.
i would go into labor all over again just tohave him for my three days again.
ughhh writing isn't helping either.
heavenly father, I've beenpraying the past hour.
help me
help
mountains are hard.
I'mgoing to start distancing myself.it's the safest way.....
help meheavenly father
Friday, August 23, 2013
oh the days
When I walked into Charity's office months and months ago I thought for sure that once I had the baby that things would be over. I would have had my baby, placed him into the perfect family. John the birth dad would leave me alone and I would just go to normal life.
I am not in normal life.
I have taken on 3 more people into my life and they are loved by me. I worry about them, I pray for them, I want everything for them. Yes, placing my baby with them is hard and I don't regret it for one second but does it make me sad that I am not able to take care of them, yes.
I feel the stress they have. I want to tell them I will watch the baby and help out wherever I can but it is really not something the probably want. I would seriously do it for them everyday but I am meant to be a mother and a wife and so I must go out and get the man of my dreams. Please fall out of the sky man of my dreams.
I thought writing about it would help. It isn't helping. I still feel this horrible sadness in my heart.
Yesterday my sister and her babies got to meet baby and his parents. It went SO SO well. It was really a happy moment. I kept thinking that this is their cousin. I didn't say anything because I don't want to step on any toes but baby has more people that love him then ever. He is so blessed to have loved ones all around him. Everywhere, every state.
I LOVE LOVE seeing my sweet baby boy. He is just so cute. I love him more every day and think of him often.
I can't erase him out of my life. I can't just decided that I am not going to ever think about him again. First if I do that i am going to be hindering the way that I deal with it emotionally. I am going to make things ten times worse then I already have it and it will be hurting myself.
I love baby's mom. I want to help her but I just have to let her figure it out. I can't take anything away from her. She is learning just like I am. Same with baby's dad. He is learning and I can't take that away from him.
I could really cry right now.....God just whispered, now you know how I feel. I feel like I am NOTHING compared to my Heavenly Father but that brings me comfort. I just need to watch and listen and learn. That is what this life is for.
My heart is swelling with happiness.
Writing always helps.
OKAY so that challenge that has kept me worried from 6:45 AM is over.
You know, all things are solved through our God. Please, if you have something that you need to talk about, talk about it. Talk about it so you can comfortably face your challenge. Talk about it so you can cry about it. Talk about it s you can heal. Talk about it so you can be with God. Talk about it so I can help you. Talk about it so you can talk about it.
Alice.
1481 views
I am not in normal life.
I have taken on 3 more people into my life and they are loved by me. I worry about them, I pray for them, I want everything for them. Yes, placing my baby with them is hard and I don't regret it for one second but does it make me sad that I am not able to take care of them, yes.
I feel the stress they have. I want to tell them I will watch the baby and help out wherever I can but it is really not something the probably want. I would seriously do it for them everyday but I am meant to be a mother and a wife and so I must go out and get the man of my dreams. Please fall out of the sky man of my dreams.
I thought writing about it would help. It isn't helping. I still feel this horrible sadness in my heart.
Yesterday my sister and her babies got to meet baby and his parents. It went SO SO well. It was really a happy moment. I kept thinking that this is their cousin. I didn't say anything because I don't want to step on any toes but baby has more people that love him then ever. He is so blessed to have loved ones all around him. Everywhere, every state.
I LOVE LOVE seeing my sweet baby boy. He is just so cute. I love him more every day and think of him often.
I can't erase him out of my life. I can't just decided that I am not going to ever think about him again. First if I do that i am going to be hindering the way that I deal with it emotionally. I am going to make things ten times worse then I already have it and it will be hurting myself.
I love baby's mom. I want to help her but I just have to let her figure it out. I can't take anything away from her. She is learning just like I am. Same with baby's dad. He is learning and I can't take that away from him.
I could really cry right now.....God just whispered, now you know how I feel. I feel like I am NOTHING compared to my Heavenly Father but that brings me comfort. I just need to watch and listen and learn. That is what this life is for.
My heart is swelling with happiness.
Writing always helps.
OKAY so that challenge that has kept me worried from 6:45 AM is over.
You know, all things are solved through our God. Please, if you have something that you need to talk about, talk about it. Talk about it so you can comfortably face your challenge. Talk about it so you can cry about it. Talk about it s you can heal. Talk about it so you can be with God. Talk about it so I can help you. Talk about it so you can talk about it.
Alice.
1481 views
Friday, August 16, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
my july 23rd feelings
I think it is important for me to remember and feel sad. It is healthy and it hurts to remember these but it keeps it real and alive. It keeps me healing.
I don't get to do so many things because i place him. I don't get to hear about him being cute or have my mom here to help me with him. Instead I'm trying to keep myself busy and happy. I just want to be tired from taking care of him. My friends all had babies this month and i need to keep him as secret as possible for his safety and my sanity. Grrr oh i.need to have hope, hope that one day i get to do this again the right way. God loves me, he loves baby. He loves the adoptive couple. He loves all of us and lead me to make this right choice but this is sad. It's like i go through all the physical pain, bleeding, constipation, no swimming, and yes taking care of a baby is hard but i loved it with him the days i had him. My mom let me do everything. I'm sad. It's good for me to feel. Blah, I'm going to miss everything
I don't get to do so many things because i place him. I don't get to hear about him being cute or have my mom here to help me with him. Instead I'm trying to keep myself busy and happy. I just want to be tired from taking care of him. My friends all had babies this month and i need to keep him as secret as possible for his safety and my sanity. Grrr oh i.need to have hope, hope that one day i get to do this again the right way. God loves me, he loves baby. He loves the adoptive couple. He loves all of us and lead me to make this right choice but this is sad. It's like i go through all the physical pain, bleeding, constipation, no swimming, and yes taking care of a baby is hard but i loved it with him the days i had him. My mom let me do everything. I'm sad. It's good for me to feel. Blah, I'm going to miss everything
my babys other mommy
Yes, my sweet little guy has a mommy he is with everyday. She is his mommy. It is an odd thing to have two mommys. Yes it is. Especially when it is a mommy that had you and a mommy that raises you.
I love this mommy. She is mommy. I am mama Alice. Lol
I was thinking just how hard it is and was to place little baby into a family I knew was meant to be his. I knew he was meant for them. I knew it in my heart so strong it took away all fear in my life regarding my sweet baby.
First, I love and have always loved other mommy. She is a light and a shining woman. She has gifts that ooze out of her. She is valient and kind. She is nurturing and honest. She is perfect to be a mommy. She has a love for her husband that is undeniable.
She just called me and it was SO SO SO nice to talk to her. She is on a little trip with her husbands family and I have been trying to give her space. TRYING SO HARD. I just can't though and she said she misses me too. I can't tell you how great it has all been.
One day I will write more about this wonderful lady but for now, I just had to let out that I love her perfectly.
I love this mommy. She is mommy. I am mama Alice. Lol
I was thinking just how hard it is and was to place little baby into a family I knew was meant to be his. I knew he was meant for them. I knew it in my heart so strong it took away all fear in my life regarding my sweet baby.
First, I love and have always loved other mommy. She is a light and a shining woman. She has gifts that ooze out of her. She is valient and kind. She is nurturing and honest. She is perfect to be a mommy. She has a love for her husband that is undeniable.
She just called me and it was SO SO SO nice to talk to her. She is on a little trip with her husbands family and I have been trying to give her space. TRYING SO HARD. I just can't though and she said she misses me too. I can't tell you how great it has all been.
One day I will write more about this wonderful lady but for now, I just had to let out that I love her perfectly.
When it rains it pours
1437 posts
I went through the whole grieving cycle. It was awful. I cried every morning and it was sad. I was in acceptance and then my good guy friend. Remember him, he told me that there would never be an us. Then I was and still am sad about that. Now my best friend is moving. My boss had a heart attack. I had to fire someone and another person quit. OH MY GOODNESS, when does it end.
My job is insane.
My little baby boy is on his first vacation and I miss him and his mommy.
I could complain about all the rain. I have tried everything to kick myself into the next stage. What is the next stage...I need my booklet.
I am trying to replace and I am pretty sure I am depressed. I don't want to do anything. I want to just go lay in my bed. I am going through a really hard time of this. I don't quite get it. I feel like, I have been sad. I think everything coming all at once is so hard.
My sister is going to come visit me for two weeks. I am so grateful to have her come. I think having her here will be busy but it will be so great too.
the best part is, I feel the spirit. I feel the Lord. He is with me.
There is a silent strength within each soul, and that strength is multiplied for those who remember that they do not walk their path alone. - Thomas J. Edwards
Grief
I went through the whole grieving cycle. It was awful. I cried every morning and it was sad. I was in acceptance and then my good guy friend. Remember him, he told me that there would never be an us. Then I was and still am sad about that. Now my best friend is moving. My boss had a heart attack. I had to fire someone and another person quit. OH MY GOODNESS, when does it end.
My job is insane.
My little baby boy is on his first vacation and I miss him and his mommy.
I could complain about all the rain. I have tried everything to kick myself into the next stage. What is the next stage...I need my booklet.
I am trying to replace and I am pretty sure I am depressed. I don't want to do anything. I want to just go lay in my bed. I am going through a really hard time of this. I don't quite get it. I feel like, I have been sad. I think everything coming all at once is so hard.
My sister is going to come visit me for two weeks. I am so grateful to have her come. I think having her here will be busy but it will be so great too.
the best part is, I feel the spirit. I feel the Lord. He is with me.
There is a silent strength within each soul, and that strength is multiplied for those who remember that they do not walk their path alone. - Thomas J. Edwards
Grief
1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.
The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.
3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
- If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
- If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
- If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
first sunday alone
1261 Views
It has almost been 5 weeks since the cutest boy on the earth was born. Well, my brother is darn cute too, so one of the two cutest. I have many new thoughts and feelings everyday. I think about how i loved my snuggle buddy 24/7. I miss that. Mostly at nights, like last night. I got into my bed and usually when i do this it's 11 and baby pop rocks wakes up to move around and get snuggled in. Then i rub his feet as he keeps them at the top of my belly. Now he sleeps in his own little crib. I ate sandwich meat, cold!! I have missed that too. So there are things i missed both ways. The adoptive mom and i got really close before baby pop rocks was born. As we were talking one night i told her i liked being pregnant and i didn't want to miss anything. We made lists in my journal of what i looked forward to and what I'll miss. I would be lying if i said i didn't miss him. I do. I don't miss the heart burn, ughh that was awful. I don't miss the hiding. I do miss the dr appointments. I do miss talking about everything.
I have a few thoughts that need to find rest in my heart. I really know this baby was meant for this family. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I just don't get how or why it couldn't have been earlier. I am searching for that.answer. Timing is everything? I need the spirit to confirm the answer on my heart. The other thing is feeling like because i choose to do something wrong with the birth dad i feel like i stole (I'm crying) that gift away from the mom. Like my bad choice stole her opportunity to carry her child. It's very very hard for me. I better talk to my case worker about this. I'm just upset about it. I didn't feel like this until i had no doubt this baby belonged with them. He chose them our God chose them but i know this little guy was to be with them. It doesn't replace the sadness or strong passionate dislike for infertility. As i write this i just had an idea pop into my head. Infertility is given by God to help us. That's the first note of peace I've been given. It has created compassion and charity for woman who have this challenge. I'm very very grateful to have had the opportunity to have the sweetest baby ever. It is the one thing i can do to be an instrument in Gods hands. I still can be an instrument for him. I love the talk about the statute of Christ in Europe and the statue doesn't have hands and it says we are His hands.
I Am.
Alice
It has almost been 5 weeks since the cutest boy on the earth was born. Well, my brother is darn cute too, so one of the two cutest. I have many new thoughts and feelings everyday. I think about how i loved my snuggle buddy 24/7. I miss that. Mostly at nights, like last night. I got into my bed and usually when i do this it's 11 and baby pop rocks wakes up to move around and get snuggled in. Then i rub his feet as he keeps them at the top of my belly. Now he sleeps in his own little crib. I ate sandwich meat, cold!! I have missed that too. So there are things i missed both ways. The adoptive mom and i got really close before baby pop rocks was born. As we were talking one night i told her i liked being pregnant and i didn't want to miss anything. We made lists in my journal of what i looked forward to and what I'll miss. I would be lying if i said i didn't miss him. I do. I don't miss the heart burn, ughh that was awful. I don't miss the hiding. I do miss the dr appointments. I do miss talking about everything.
I have a few thoughts that need to find rest in my heart. I really know this baby was meant for this family. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I just don't get how or why it couldn't have been earlier. I am searching for that.answer. Timing is everything? I need the spirit to confirm the answer on my heart. The other thing is feeling like because i choose to do something wrong with the birth dad i feel like i stole (I'm crying) that gift away from the mom. Like my bad choice stole her opportunity to carry her child. It's very very hard for me. I better talk to my case worker about this. I'm just upset about it. I didn't feel like this until i had no doubt this baby belonged with them. He chose them our God chose them but i know this little guy was to be with them. It doesn't replace the sadness or strong passionate dislike for infertility. As i write this i just had an idea pop into my head. Infertility is given by God to help us. That's the first note of peace I've been given. It has created compassion and charity for woman who have this challenge. I'm very very grateful to have had the opportunity to have the sweetest baby ever. It is the one thing i can do to be an instrument in Gods hands. I still can be an instrument for him. I love the talk about the statute of Christ in Europe and the statue doesn't have hands and it says we are His hands.
I Am.
Alice
Friday, August 2, 2013
heading back
1239 Views
I'm heading back to reality today. I start work tomorrow and I'm going to immerse myself. This is our busiest month of the year. Which is awesome. I'm glad i have it.
I see my sweet baby boy for my first monthly visit on Monday for 30 to 45 minutes. I'm not sure how i feel. I don't want to be sad again. I don't want to cry. I don't want to hold him and never let him go. At first i thought, 30 minutes. 30 minutes. That's nothing and i.l was sad it was so short. Now I'm sure this will be really quite a perfect amount of time. I should have asked sooner about how long so i wouldn't have to think about this aka over think it. With work the way it will be i think we will be fine and it isn't up to me. It is up to the couple.
I'm quite excited too. I'm excited to hold him. I'm excited to kiss him. I'm exited to love him. His mommy said i could do all that and more. I'm excited to see how much he has grown and everything. I'm excited to see him with his mom and dad. It's just how it should be.
I miss him. Almost every time i go to sleep i miss him. I can lay on my tummy because he's not in there. I can lay on my back. I use to rub my belly every night when he's wake up for his little party. I miss his hiccups and kicks and feeling like his feet were around my side. Only on the right though... I miss him.
I miss him every morning. I think about him everyday.
I really couldn't be happier with the way things worked out. I have peace. I feel so many prayers. God loves me. He loves my baby. He loves you.
I think I'm a crazy but really i just want to be happily married and have children. I have never been more ready. I'm so grateful for baby giving me those desires. One day when I marry, because i will, I'll tell my husband to thank the baby. Thank him for being in my life. I'll tell my kids to thank him too. I thank him.
This baby has changed me. I have marks on the outside and marks on my heart.
I love you baby.
I did and still wish i could have been your mother. I'm sorry that wasn't able to be the plan. You got the second best plan and God lead me and confirmed it in my heart. He confirms it still. I know this is the right thing. Even the right things are hard things.
Alice
I'm heading back to reality today. I start work tomorrow and I'm going to immerse myself. This is our busiest month of the year. Which is awesome. I'm glad i have it.
I see my sweet baby boy for my first monthly visit on Monday for 30 to 45 minutes. I'm not sure how i feel. I don't want to be sad again. I don't want to cry. I don't want to hold him and never let him go. At first i thought, 30 minutes. 30 minutes. That's nothing and i.l was sad it was so short. Now I'm sure this will be really quite a perfect amount of time. I should have asked sooner about how long so i wouldn't have to think about this aka over think it. With work the way it will be i think we will be fine and it isn't up to me. It is up to the couple.
I'm quite excited too. I'm excited to hold him. I'm excited to kiss him. I'm exited to love him. His mommy said i could do all that and more. I'm excited to see how much he has grown and everything. I'm excited to see him with his mom and dad. It's just how it should be.
I miss him. Almost every time i go to sleep i miss him. I can lay on my tummy because he's not in there. I can lay on my back. I use to rub my belly every night when he's wake up for his little party. I miss his hiccups and kicks and feeling like his feet were around my side. Only on the right though... I miss him.
I miss him every morning. I think about him everyday.
I really couldn't be happier with the way things worked out. I have peace. I feel so many prayers. God loves me. He loves my baby. He loves you.
I think I'm a crazy but really i just want to be happily married and have children. I have never been more ready. I'm so grateful for baby giving me those desires. One day when I marry, because i will, I'll tell my husband to thank the baby. Thank him for being in my life. I'll tell my kids to thank him too. I thank him.
This baby has changed me. I have marks on the outside and marks on my heart.
I love you baby.
I did and still wish i could have been your mother. I'm sorry that wasn't able to be the plan. You got the second best plan and God lead me and confirmed it in my heart. He confirms it still. I know this is the right thing. Even the right things are hard things.
Alice
Thursday, August 1, 2013
dear sister
Sister, i am so grateful for you. Thank you for all your love and support. You make my life easier. It does break my heart a little when i think i could have a baby and your girls could have a cousin. I think it hurts the most when i think about you and mom. She could be a grandma. My friend wrote about a bad situation turning out good. Sister, things in life are hard. They are sad. The first two weeks after placement i couldn't keep it together. Every morning I'd cry. Even now, i see a baby and think of my baby. I see a pregnant lady and think of how i miss being pregnant. I have to remember. I'm promised a family. I will marry someday. I'll have children again. You are a strength to me. You are love. I know telling you was so hard but I'm glad you know. My pride wanted to protect you from this pain but the truth is, i need you. Xoxo
dear birth dad
, thank you for all your love and concern for me and our baby. I had a beautiful baby boy on July 8th. He was 6lbs 15 oz and 21 inches long. He was placed into a wonderful family. As we talked this was a plan i had considered and wanted since November. In December i had found the perfect couple. I thought this would be my babies parents. At the end of December they told me the spirit told them not to move forward with adopting. That was a difficult response and sad. The next month i was busy with work and reading profiles and was feeling i wouldn't find anyone as great as my first family. February i emailed 3 families and felt connected to one family. For the following months i felt good, then okay with this family. They were there for me in difficult times and helped support me. That didn't stop the doubts. I then started making a single parent plan. I set up day care, got prices for things, made lists. As i was attending my birth classes i knew the birth was coming and i still didn't know one way or the other. I didn't feel my baby was safe in any circumstance and it was unsettling. I still felt really good about adoption, yet there was something missing and I couldn't figure it out. When i met the third family at the agency I felt a peace that never left me (and still hasn't.) I felt that burning in my soul. This was what i was waiting for. This is what God wanted and i felt it. After choosing them, I didn't worry. I slept better, i knew everything was going to be what the Lord wanted. The couple had to decide if this is what they felt was right. I knew if they listened, truly listened, they would say yes. They felt the same and began preparing. Although this isn't easy, i know it is what God wants. Nobody every pressured me otherwise. Adoption is beautiful. Although this is something that has brought peace to my soul, i understand this is something you haven't received an answer for. I pray God will give that peace to you and you'll respect me, my family and my friends by leaving us alone. Please contact(Person And Number)
I SeNt This Last Night
I SeNt This Last Night
june 8
1211views, IsThatPossible?
June 8Th Email To My Case Worker.... I NeverSent It To Her. I Just Think It's Healthy To Reflect And Ponder. I Just Think This Is Exactly HOw I Felt For many nights
My heart is so sad..
For months and months, up until mothers day when i told my sister and i went through the trite feelings of possibly single parenting i hadn't really thought about it. I didn't care to single parent, all i wanted was to have a baby for the family. I wanted to do for them the biggest and best gift ever.
Now with changes of situations and but knowing how serious the birth dad is about being a father in this babies life, I'm really taking s tough road. The toughest.
I just want to feel whole again.
I never knew one night and less then 5 seconds would change my body for 9 months, my emotions, my entire existence. This baby will always be my baby. We have snuggled in my bed together at night, we have gone to dinner together, we went to the temple together last night. Whenever i start to think that now I'm alone because of my situation. He's there to kick me back to my senses.
I don't like infertility at all. This is one part of life that frustrates me and i don't understand. I think it helps us understand the higher laws. I really know God loves us
June 8Th Email To My Case Worker.... I NeverSent It To Her. I Just Think It's Healthy To Reflect And Ponder. I Just Think This Is Exactly HOw I Felt For many nights
My heart is so sad..
For months and months, up until mothers day when i told my sister and i went through the trite feelings of possibly single parenting i hadn't really thought about it. I didn't care to single parent, all i wanted was to have a baby for the family. I wanted to do for them the biggest and best gift ever.
Now with changes of situations and but knowing how serious the birth dad is about being a father in this babies life, I'm really taking s tough road. The toughest.
I just want to feel whole again.
I never knew one night and less then 5 seconds would change my body for 9 months, my emotions, my entire existence. This baby will always be my baby. We have snuggled in my bed together at night, we have gone to dinner together, we went to the temple together last night. Whenever i start to think that now I'm alone because of my situation. He's there to kick me back to my senses.
I don't like infertility at all. This is one part of life that frustrates me and i don't understand. I think it helps us understand the higher laws. I really know God loves us
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