oh the days

When I walked into Charity's office months and months ago I thought for sure that once I had the baby that things would be over. I would have had my baby, placed him into the perfect family. John the birth dad would leave me alone and I would just go to normal life.

I am not in normal life.

I have taken on 3 more people into my life and they are loved by me. I worry about them, I pray for them, I want everything for them. Yes, placing my baby with them is hard and I don't regret it for one second but does it make me sad that I am not able to take care of them, yes.

I feel the stress they have. I want to tell them I will watch the baby and help out wherever I can but it is really not something the probably want. I would seriously do it for them everyday but I am meant to be a mother and a wife and so I must go out and get the man of my dreams. Please fall out of the sky man of my dreams.

I thought writing about it would help. It isn't helping. I still feel this horrible sadness in my heart.

Yesterday my sister and her babies got to meet baby and his parents. It went SO SO well. It was really a happy moment. I kept thinking that this is their cousin. I didn't say anything because I don't want to step on any toes but baby has more people that love him then ever. He is so blessed to have loved ones all around him. Everywhere, every state.

I LOVE LOVE seeing my sweet baby boy. He is just so cute. I love him more every day and think of him often.

I can't erase him out of my life. I can't just decided that I am not going to ever think about him again. First if I do that i am going to be hindering the way that I deal with it emotionally. I am going to make things ten times worse then I already have it and it will be hurting myself.

I love baby's mom. I want to help her but I just have to let her figure it out. I can't take anything away from her. She is learning just like I am. Same with baby's dad. He is learning and I can't take that away from him.

I could really cry right now.....God just whispered, now you know how I feel. I feel like I am NOTHING compared to my Heavenly Father but that brings me comfort. I just need to watch and listen and learn. That is what this life is for.

My  heart is swelling with happiness.

Writing always helps.

OKAY so that challenge that has kept me worried from 6:45 AM is over.

You know, all things are solved through our God. Please, if you have something that you need to talk about, talk about it. Talk about it so you can comfortably face your challenge. Talk about it so you can cry about it. Talk about it s you can heal. Talk about it so you can be with God. Talk about it so I can help you. Talk about it so you can talk about it.

Alice.

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