first sunday alone

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It has almost been 5 weeks since the cutest boy on the earth was born. Well, my brother is darn cute too, so one of the two cutest. I have many new thoughts and feelings everyday. I think about how i loved my snuggle buddy 24/7. I miss that. Mostly at nights, like last night. I got into my bed and usually when i do this it's 11 and baby pop rocks wakes up to move around and get snuggled in. Then i rub his feet as he keeps them at the top of my belly. Now he sleeps in his own little crib. I ate sandwich meat, cold!! I have missed that too. So there are things i missed both ways. The adoptive mom and i got really close before baby pop rocks was born. As we were talking one night i told her i liked being pregnant and i didn't want to miss anything. We made lists in my journal of what i looked forward to and what I'll miss. I would be lying if i said i didn't miss him. I do. I don't miss the heart burn, ughh that was awful. I don't miss the hiding. I do miss the dr appointments. I do miss talking about everything.

I have a few thoughts that need to find rest in my heart. I really know this baby was meant for this family. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I just don't get how or why it couldn't have been earlier. I am searching for that.answer. Timing is everything? I need the spirit to confirm the answer on my heart. The other thing is feeling like because i choose to do something wrong with the birth dad i feel like i stole (I'm crying) that gift away from the mom. Like my bad choice stole her opportunity to carry her child. It's very very hard for me. I better talk to my case worker about this. I'm just upset about it. I didn't feel like this until i had no doubt this baby belonged with them. He chose them our God chose them but i know this little guy was to be with them. It doesn't replace the sadness or strong passionate dislike for infertility. As i write this i just had an idea pop into my head. Infertility is given by God to help us. That's the first note of peace I've been given. It has created compassion and charity for woman who have this challenge. I'm very very grateful to have had the opportunity to have the sweetest baby ever. It is the one thing i can do to be an instrument in Gods hands. I still can be an instrument for him. I love the talk about the statute of Christ in Europe and the statue doesn't have hands and it says we are His hands.

I Am.

Alice