heading back

1239 Views

I'm heading back to reality today. I start work tomorrow and I'm going to immerse myself. This is our busiest month of the year. Which is awesome. I'm glad i have it.

I see my sweet baby boy for my first monthly visit on Monday for 30 to 45 minutes. I'm not sure how i feel. I don't want to be sad again. I don't want to cry. I don't want to hold him and never let him go. At first i thought, 30 minutes. 30 minutes. That's nothing and i.l was sad it was so short. Now I'm sure this will be really quite a perfect amount of time. I should have asked sooner about how long so i wouldn't have to think about this aka over think it. With work the way it will be i think we will be fine and it isn't up to me. It is up to the couple.

I'm quite excited too. I'm excited to hold him. I'm excited to kiss him. I'm exited to love him. His mommy said i could do all that and more. I'm excited to see how much he has grown and everything. I'm excited to see him with his mom and dad. It's just how it should be.

I miss him. Almost every time i go to sleep i miss him. I can lay on my tummy because he's not in there. I can lay on my back. I use to rub my belly every night when he's wake up for his little party. I miss his hiccups and kicks and feeling like his feet were around my side. Only on the right though... I miss him.

I miss him every morning. I think about him everyday.

I really couldn't be happier with the way things worked out. I have peace. I feel so many prayers. God loves me. He loves my baby. He loves you.

I think I'm a crazy but really i just want to be happily married and have children. I have never been more ready. I'm so grateful for baby giving me those desires. One day when I marry, because i will, I'll tell my husband to thank the baby. Thank him for being in my life. I'll tell my kids to thank him too. I thank him.

This baby has changed me. I have marks on the outside and marks on my heart.

I love you baby.

I did and still wish i could have been your mother. I'm sorry that wasn't able to be the plan. You got the second best plan and God lead me and confirmed it in my heart. He confirms it still. I know this is the right thing. Even the right things are hard things.

Alice