Yesterday we found out what we were having in May, a boy. I have been BEYOND happy and very excited to have a sweet, little boy.
I have heard some things that haven't been nice and I just want to make sure that people of my blog know not to say these things to other birth moms. "It will be so much more fun when you get to keep the baby" hellllo- I choose to place little boy into the arms of 2 parents of safety and 2 parents that God trusted and knew to have this boy enter their lives forever.
This is how it was supposed to be. Having a baby out of wedlock is the most emotional hard thing I have ever been through and parts of it are still very hard and uncomfortable but we get through this. Last night I dreamed about being a birth mom. It was very intense and emotionally painful that now I am blogging about it so I don't forget these times because I want to remember what i have been through and these things are all apart of something.
I dreamed I got prego again out of wedlock with my x boyfriend bryce and that I was married now to my current husband but I didn't know what to do. I was talking to my husband and told him we can pretend it is our baby or we can place him in baby pop rocks family.
It is so so so hard on me that baby pop rocks family wants more kids and are not getting them. HOW HARD! I so wish I could do more for them because in a way I feel so tied to them and their family but I have to do what is best for my family.
Lots of feelings and so much love, pure love from my heart.
I know God lives and loves us and wants our happiness. I know that He cares about His children and he whispers into the hearts of mothers and fathers everywhere. I know that this little boy, my first with my husband will be loved without measure and I hope that little boy i had in my tummy years ago knows that I loved him and his parents love him as if they were in their tummy's.
God is good, enjoy the journey you are in. I am going to enjoy my journey and be happy with what I have and grateful.
XOOXOXO
Mama Alice
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Thursday, December 3, 2015
thoughts of 17 weeks
Hello my fellow friends and my future self.
I love reading this blog. It is SO interesting to reread about my life and see what I thought of things. Grief makes you crazy town and sometimes I think that I was somewhat of a different person through that. I don't like to forget the feelings I had going through this because it is such a unique things and I want to have a blog that anyone can read for real raw feelings to either 1. understand a birth mom (better because we are all different) 2. if you are birth mom to have some empathy. I am here for you all.
Okay- So my feelings.
I was telling my she daddy about this this is what I wrote her:
Such weird feelings with being prego, Like I should be hiding it like i did the first time. My husband wants to tell everyone but I keep feeling like it is a secret. Oh being a birth mom and of course I feel like I am bragging about getting prego so fast because I feel so bad for other families that have infertility. Overall I am SUPER happy about having a baby and just having it for us. That is the best feeling in the world.
I am sure that this is somewhat normal but I don't have any other birth moms to bounce this off of because all my close birth mom friends are not having their second baby.
I do feel really grateful to have my husband but sometimes embarrassed by how I feel. I wonder if that is normal. I was prego alone and lived alone so I just would hide all my feelings from the public but now everyone seems to care about me.
I had the MOST wonderful cousins that pampered me. BIG TIME. Bought me massages and really were so giving with their kids. I loved having them over for sleepovers and I felt so motherly with that. I love having them and taking care of them, especially when I was prego because I just wanted to love something how I would my own baby and I don't know. It was unique. I also had 10 great friends and family that would talk to me about. My coworker really respected my space so that wasn't an issue and really most of the time I felt good so though I was hiding a growing baby....
Oh and hiding him, I felt like hiding him was a way of protecting him and myself. Some people can be quite cruel by ignorance and it would tear me up for hours. Just the littlest things. I am grateful to those that were so positive.
I don't think adoption was always what I knew would happen. My co worker asked me that today. My caseworker and I always made two plans. My first choice and instinct with baby boy was adoption but I had plan b in place all along. I had day care saved for him and a list of items to get for him if I wasn't able to place him.
That month before though, I knew 99% he would be with the family he has, they were somehow meant to be.
Anyway.
Lots of feelings I guess lately.
So being prego, I feel like an automatic weird thing telling people.
We find out what we are having on Dec 15th and I am VERY excited. I think we will announce it publicly then, though it feels like everyone knows.
I am so nervous to birth the baby and so nervous to breast feed. Breast is best I keep telling myself.
Last night I dreamed I had the baby at home and he was a he and nice and chunky. I also dreamed that milk was pouring out. Dreams are so real and helpful. I feel better already about the birth.
Oh at first when I felt the baby it felt so similar to baby boy 1 that it freaked me out but having a husband the next time be able to feel the little flutters was magic, like the movies. I must say, having the right guy as your baby daddy is the best.
I love reading this blog. It is SO interesting to reread about my life and see what I thought of things. Grief makes you crazy town and sometimes I think that I was somewhat of a different person through that. I don't like to forget the feelings I had going through this because it is such a unique things and I want to have a blog that anyone can read for real raw feelings to either 1. understand a birth mom (better because we are all different) 2. if you are birth mom to have some empathy. I am here for you all.
Okay- So my feelings.
I was telling my she daddy about this this is what I wrote her:
Such weird feelings with being prego, Like I should be hiding it like i did the first time. My husband wants to tell everyone but I keep feeling like it is a secret. Oh being a birth mom and of course I feel like I am bragging about getting prego so fast because I feel so bad for other families that have infertility. Overall I am SUPER happy about having a baby and just having it for us. That is the best feeling in the world.
I am sure that this is somewhat normal but I don't have any other birth moms to bounce this off of because all my close birth mom friends are not having their second baby.
I do feel really grateful to have my husband but sometimes embarrassed by how I feel. I wonder if that is normal. I was prego alone and lived alone so I just would hide all my feelings from the public but now everyone seems to care about me.
I had the MOST wonderful cousins that pampered me. BIG TIME. Bought me massages and really were so giving with their kids. I loved having them over for sleepovers and I felt so motherly with that. I love having them and taking care of them, especially when I was prego because I just wanted to love something how I would my own baby and I don't know. It was unique. I also had 10 great friends and family that would talk to me about. My coworker really respected my space so that wasn't an issue and really most of the time I felt good so though I was hiding a growing baby....
Oh and hiding him, I felt like hiding him was a way of protecting him and myself. Some people can be quite cruel by ignorance and it would tear me up for hours. Just the littlest things. I am grateful to those that were so positive.
I don't think adoption was always what I knew would happen. My co worker asked me that today. My caseworker and I always made two plans. My first choice and instinct with baby boy was adoption but I had plan b in place all along. I had day care saved for him and a list of items to get for him if I wasn't able to place him.
That month before though, I knew 99% he would be with the family he has, they were somehow meant to be.
Anyway.
Lots of feelings I guess lately.
So being prego, I feel like an automatic weird thing telling people.
We find out what we are having on Dec 15th and I am VERY excited. I think we will announce it publicly then, though it feels like everyone knows.
I am so nervous to birth the baby and so nervous to breast feed. Breast is best I keep telling myself.
Last night I dreamed I had the baby at home and he was a he and nice and chunky. I also dreamed that milk was pouring out. Dreams are so real and helpful. I feel better already about the birth.
Oh at first when I felt the baby it felt so similar to baby boy 1 that it freaked me out but having a husband the next time be able to feel the little flutters was magic, like the movies. I must say, having the right guy as your baby daddy is the best.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
his birthday
I think about his birthday ALOT. I use to always count how many months he was on the 8th and I am so glad to be freed from that but his birthday, July 8th will always be a special day.
Love that sweet boy and I didn't want to forget I had this.
Xo
What a fun summer
What a summer- I have been saving some texts on my phone so I could blog about them.
So we got Seven Peaks season passes for a GREAT DEAL and asked baby boy's family if they wanted some and they said yes. We are so lucky to have such a fun open adoption.
So baby's dad couldn't make it to the Saturday event because he was working and then baby boy's mom, her phone died. She asked me to text baby dad about where we were and if he wanted to join us. This is our convo-
Me- Hey, are you coming? (baby's mom) phone died, we have a free pass for you.
Him- K, How is baby boy doing?
I am just so grateful for such a selfless father. He is always so worried about baby boy and where he is and how he is doing. I am really amazed by it. I think most men are just not like that and what a great quality. I always know I won't have to worry about baby boy because his dad is way more worried then I am.
I love baby boys mom too. I think she is really perfect for him but I always expected that so I don't write about it all the time. She is so good being consistent and so loving.
Saturday the mom called me and I got to facetime with them and it was so fun. Little boy is growing up so cute and is so fun. He has the best little checks and is so so cute. I miss him but am so happy with where his is.
On Sunday I met the most darling family, they have adopted 5 kids and I told her, I am a birth mom and she kinda got teary which made me get teary. Such an awesome bond we get to have with people around the world.
Adoption is just great. I would have never known for real if it weren't for a short year of my life of some pain, questions and a fight to be close to the Lord and know what was best.
I am beyond lucky to have the life I have with my now husband and looking back that pain was just for a moment.
I can't help but think of these scriptures. We are really so blessed.
Doctrine and Covenants 121:
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
We all know from reading my blogs these months and months weren't any form of easy. They were troubling and very painful. I can't help but have my thoughts go to Joseph Smith. The pain of being in prison and that pain and the Lord saying, it will be a moment. It really is just a moment. Though it FEELS like FOREVER in the moment. I did have so many friends to stand by me and I wasn't as Job.
Poor Job. He is always the last resort. You aren't as Job.
Really though, doesn't that look sad- I think these scriptures are going to be my ponderize.
"The word 'ponderize' is not found in the dictionary but it has found a place in my heart," Durrant said in his talk. He explained that "ponderizing" involved choosing a verse of scripture, putting it in a visible location, and pondering its meanings throughout the week.
Love this and his talk!
To my sweet baby-
We will always share a unique bond but I can see that as we are growing older we are going to loose a part of that specialness. Especially with having our own lives. It is just natural. I am sometimes sad by it but other times I am happy for us. I can't imagine always worrying about you and I don't think you will really ever understand the magnitude of how much I really care for you. Maybe someday when you have your own children. It is so hard to talk about in words but as I go through life I am just grateful for you. You taught me more then I would have ever been able to learn without you. I love you honey.
XOXO
Mama Alice
So we got Seven Peaks season passes for a GREAT DEAL and asked baby boy's family if they wanted some and they said yes. We are so lucky to have such a fun open adoption.
So baby's dad couldn't make it to the Saturday event because he was working and then baby boy's mom, her phone died. She asked me to text baby dad about where we were and if he wanted to join us. This is our convo-
Me- Hey, are you coming? (baby's mom) phone died, we have a free pass for you.
Him- K, How is baby boy doing?
I am just so grateful for such a selfless father. He is always so worried about baby boy and where he is and how he is doing. I am really amazed by it. I think most men are just not like that and what a great quality. I always know I won't have to worry about baby boy because his dad is way more worried then I am.
I love baby boys mom too. I think she is really perfect for him but I always expected that so I don't write about it all the time. She is so good being consistent and so loving.
Saturday the mom called me and I got to facetime with them and it was so fun. Little boy is growing up so cute and is so fun. He has the best little checks and is so so cute. I miss him but am so happy with where his is.
On Sunday I met the most darling family, they have adopted 5 kids and I told her, I am a birth mom and she kinda got teary which made me get teary. Such an awesome bond we get to have with people around the world.
Adoption is just great. I would have never known for real if it weren't for a short year of my life of some pain, questions and a fight to be close to the Lord and know what was best.
I am beyond lucky to have the life I have with my now husband and looking back that pain was just for a moment.
I can't help but think of these scriptures. We are really so blessed.
Doctrine and Covenants 121:
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
We all know from reading my blogs these months and months weren't any form of easy. They were troubling and very painful. I can't help but have my thoughts go to Joseph Smith. The pain of being in prison and that pain and the Lord saying, it will be a moment. It really is just a moment. Though it FEELS like FOREVER in the moment. I did have so many friends to stand by me and I wasn't as Job.
Poor Job. He is always the last resort. You aren't as Job.
Really though, doesn't that look sad- I think these scriptures are going to be my ponderize.
"The word 'ponderize' is not found in the dictionary but it has found a place in my heart," Durrant said in his talk. He explained that "ponderizing" involved choosing a verse of scripture, putting it in a visible location, and pondering its meanings throughout the week.
Love this and his talk!
To my sweet baby-
We will always share a unique bond but I can see that as we are growing older we are going to loose a part of that specialness. Especially with having our own lives. It is just natural. I am sometimes sad by it but other times I am happy for us. I can't imagine always worrying about you and I don't think you will really ever understand the magnitude of how much I really care for you. Maybe someday when you have your own children. It is so hard to talk about in words but as I go through life I am just grateful for you. You taught me more then I would have ever been able to learn without you. I love you honey.
XOXO
Mama Alice
Friday, August 7, 2015
My ring bearer
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I have been meaning to write for so long. I don't know how the last post what a birthday post. I just love my little baby boy so much who is now a 2 year old baby boy. I just can't believe it. Not for a second.
I am the luckiest birth mom in the world. SO lucky. I just want to tell every birth mom that that heart ache that is felt early on is SO worth the beauty and ______ something.... there isn't a word... maybe complete feeling I have. The year after the birth was miserable and painful and so many feelings. I always felt good about adoption but I just now feel the sting is gone.
It is because of my fiance! My last boyfriend-fiance wasn't it. This one is and there is such a peace in my life.
Maybe a few weeks ago my future husband and I were talking.
Time out- I always knew that I would get married in the same pattern that I choose parents for baby boy.
1. I LOVED the first parents i choose but it wasn't right for them. In fact they just announced they are prego again. It seems they never needed to adopt to have children but they needed the experience. We are friends and I am SO grateful for them. They keep my secret lip locked and I love them for that.
2. THe second family- I wanted to have that seamless but it never felt perfect. Doubts always flushing my head and for me red flags. Same with my ex bryce. I wish both of them the best.
3. I always had them going through the back of my head, they were on my mind for 9 months but I never knew how to ask them or talk to them. They floated in and out of my mind. It was God sent.
Same with my lover- God send, and there is just something flawless about my Chris. He is mine for the count and he brings me more love into my heart and more spirit to my soul. I feel SO calm about marrying him.
SO we are getting married! About I would have to say a month ago or 3 weeks we were talking about getting married. He is recently divorced and we aren't able to to go the temple. I wanted to just do it my way and wait it out and wait to have the blessings of marriage. Wait till June 6th 2016. It was grained into my mind. I wanted that date- I wanted to be a bride for my life and marry in June like the song says from 7 brides for 7 brothers. Silly, I know but once I have my mind set, it is set and hard to change. SO the Lord worked his magic. We talked about a different month and then bam- 8.15.15
I love that it is the same year and date. I wanted to do 8.7.15 today, but we came across some obstacles, our bishop couldn't marry us, ect.
SO, then we were headed for marriage-
Here is the whole reason I am writing all this-
1. I always knew baby boy would help me find my husband. He did.
2. Baby boy is our ring bearer!
I AM SO SO SO SO HAPPY. He really is the cutest, smartest, sweetest, handsome and perfect little guy ever.
We are going to try having kids right away and I hope they are all just like him. CUTE in and out.
I know this is tmi but i have to share. My period is going to set us for ovulation on our wedding night! AHHHH SO HAPPY and scary.
I hope we get prego because little boy is such a miracle and any form of fertility challenges BREAKS my heart. That is one thing that placing a baby taught me. I just think it is so unfair but also I would never have learned what I did if it weren't for that experience. God was with me for that and His companionship I would never trade.
Baby boy- I can't wait to see you at my wedding. I can't wait to hug you and kiss you and I hope you laugh that CUTE laugh. I love you forever, thanks for being my little prince for so long.
XOXOX
Mama alice
I have been meaning to write for so long. I don't know how the last post what a birthday post. I just love my little baby boy so much who is now a 2 year old baby boy. I just can't believe it. Not for a second.
I am the luckiest birth mom in the world. SO lucky. I just want to tell every birth mom that that heart ache that is felt early on is SO worth the beauty and ______ something.... there isn't a word... maybe complete feeling I have. The year after the birth was miserable and painful and so many feelings. I always felt good about adoption but I just now feel the sting is gone.
It is because of my fiance! My last boyfriend-fiance wasn't it. This one is and there is such a peace in my life.
Maybe a few weeks ago my future husband and I were talking.
Time out- I always knew that I would get married in the same pattern that I choose parents for baby boy.
1. I LOVED the first parents i choose but it wasn't right for them. In fact they just announced they are prego again. It seems they never needed to adopt to have children but they needed the experience. We are friends and I am SO grateful for them. They keep my secret lip locked and I love them for that.
2. THe second family- I wanted to have that seamless but it never felt perfect. Doubts always flushing my head and for me red flags. Same with my ex bryce. I wish both of them the best.
3. I always had them going through the back of my head, they were on my mind for 9 months but I never knew how to ask them or talk to them. They floated in and out of my mind. It was God sent.
Same with my lover- God send, and there is just something flawless about my Chris. He is mine for the count and he brings me more love into my heart and more spirit to my soul. I feel SO calm about marrying him.
SO we are getting married! About I would have to say a month ago or 3 weeks we were talking about getting married. He is recently divorced and we aren't able to to go the temple. I wanted to just do it my way and wait it out and wait to have the blessings of marriage. Wait till June 6th 2016. It was grained into my mind. I wanted that date- I wanted to be a bride for my life and marry in June like the song says from 7 brides for 7 brothers. Silly, I know but once I have my mind set, it is set and hard to change. SO the Lord worked his magic. We talked about a different month and then bam- 8.15.15
I love that it is the same year and date. I wanted to do 8.7.15 today, but we came across some obstacles, our bishop couldn't marry us, ect.
SO, then we were headed for marriage-
Here is the whole reason I am writing all this-
1. I always knew baby boy would help me find my husband. He did.
2. Baby boy is our ring bearer!
I AM SO SO SO SO HAPPY. He really is the cutest, smartest, sweetest, handsome and perfect little guy ever.
We are going to try having kids right away and I hope they are all just like him. CUTE in and out.
I know this is tmi but i have to share. My period is going to set us for ovulation on our wedding night! AHHHH SO HAPPY and scary.
I hope we get prego because little boy is such a miracle and any form of fertility challenges BREAKS my heart. That is one thing that placing a baby taught me. I just think it is so unfair but also I would never have learned what I did if it weren't for that experience. God was with me for that and His companionship I would never trade.
Baby boy- I can't wait to see you at my wedding. I can't wait to hug you and kiss you and I hope you laugh that CUTE laugh. I love you forever, thanks for being my little prince for so long.
XOXOX
Mama alice
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Happy happy birthday to our 2 year old boy!
First- I was going to do a Fathers day post for babies dad but I just am so CONSUMED in my own life. I really love my boyfriend and I am also consumed in work. It is kinda crazy but I love it. I am happier busy.
OKAY- Happy birthday to my baby!
For sure my best birthday for baby boy. It is always good when I didn't want to climb in a hole and wish that I had a baby to kiss and hold so 1 of 2 birthdays and I am thinking next year will be just as great. I have the hope of a future family that I love, that is some of the difference and the emotions aren't quite so fresh.
I have to quote baby's mom because she sent the nicest text
Two years ago you gave birth to the sweetest angel here on earth. Thank you for the blood, sweat and tears of going through child birth. I'm beyond grateful for you. Happy birthday to our little stinker ;)
Oh my goodness, isn't she SO kind? Love her.
Then on 7/11 she sent this
What can I say. It's 7/11 happy Slurpee Day! And the best day of my life. I'm thinking about the first moment I got to hold (baby boy). He was so small and skinny! A little monkey with his dark hair and Mohawk. I was beyond joyful and yet saddened at the same time. I knew we would be happy , but with that joy there would be great heartbreak on your side. I didn't want to put you through that, but there was no other way. Now that I am looking back I can see how happy you are and it makes me even more grateful. thank you for doing the hardest thing that anyone would ever have to do. I love you, (dad) loves you and (baby boy) love you! Thanks for choosing us.
Isn't she a heart melt!?
I must agree. I knew it was what I was supposed to do but part of me sometimes hoped to keep little boy all to myself. that wouldn't be true and it wouldn't be fair to him. I see him so happy and I love it. I see him with parents, grandparents and loving family all around and I know he is loved like blood.
He will forever be part of me and I will forever have a little part of me that feels it isn't near me and I will always have a spot in my heart for children born in 2013 my little boys friends.
I miss him always and yet am comforted that he is so loved and taken care of.
He is growing up to be such a cutie. I went out of town and wasn't able to see him so my BF and I went and took a gift to him and I played a bit with him.
OKAY- Happy birthday to my baby!
For sure my best birthday for baby boy. It is always good when I didn't want to climb in a hole and wish that I had a baby to kiss and hold so 1 of 2 birthdays and I am thinking next year will be just as great. I have the hope of a future family that I love, that is some of the difference and the emotions aren't quite so fresh.
I have to quote baby's mom because she sent the nicest text
Two years ago you gave birth to the sweetest angel here on earth. Thank you for the blood, sweat and tears of going through child birth. I'm beyond grateful for you. Happy birthday to our little stinker ;)
Oh my goodness, isn't she SO kind? Love her.
Then on 7/11 she sent this
What can I say. It's 7/11 happy Slurpee Day! And the best day of my life. I'm thinking about the first moment I got to hold (baby boy). He was so small and skinny! A little monkey with his dark hair and Mohawk. I was beyond joyful and yet saddened at the same time. I knew we would be happy , but with that joy there would be great heartbreak on your side. I didn't want to put you through that, but there was no other way. Now that I am looking back I can see how happy you are and it makes me even more grateful. thank you for doing the hardest thing that anyone would ever have to do. I love you, (dad) loves you and (baby boy) love you! Thanks for choosing us.
Isn't she a heart melt!?
I must agree. I knew it was what I was supposed to do but part of me sometimes hoped to keep little boy all to myself. that wouldn't be true and it wouldn't be fair to him. I see him so happy and I love it. I see him with parents, grandparents and loving family all around and I know he is loved like blood.
He will forever be part of me and I will forever have a little part of me that feels it isn't near me and I will always have a spot in my heart for children born in 2013 my little boys friends.
I miss him always and yet am comforted that he is so loved and taken care of.
He is growing up to be such a cutie. I went out of town and wasn't able to see him so my BF and I went and took a gift to him and I played a bit with him.
He is really the sweetest and I almost forgot, we went to the rodeo with him and I had to tell my cousin about being a birth mom and she as in shock but so good to baby boy and SO very comfortable. I love all my family and friends being so warm and inviting.
She kept saying how shocked she was.
I think now I will do, oh you didn't know that. jk I won't.
The secret is at large, that is for sure.
I am fine with it. I use to have a count of who knew now I have no idea....
I love my baby boy- who will forever be my baby boy. I love that I am able to be secure in my life as I watch my sweet BF and his little girl as she gets tossed back and forth it is VEEEERRRRY heart wrenching and it confirms to me that baby boy has the best of both worlds. He will forever have me and he will forever have his lovely parents who are really the best.
LOVES all around.
Baby boy happy birthday dearest! You are forever in my heart and I will forever be your mama. I hope you always want me in your life.
XXOOXOX
Mama Alice
A day with my boy
SO SO crazy two weeks ago my birth mom friend said that she was going to Boise to stay with her adoptive couple and their little girl. She said she was going to take her little girl to the park without her adoptive parents. I was like WOW that is cool, she said she asked for it and they said ok.
I feel like whenever I think anything that is when I get a text or call about whatever I am thinking about. They are SO inspired. Well, I was a little jealous of my friend and I got a text from baby boys mom asking if I could watch him on Friday because both of them had to work. I asked my boss and she said yes so I took the day off.
I slept over on Thursday night so I wouldn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn and it was so so fun. That night baby boys dad was SO SO endearing, he said, "Thanks so much for taking the day off to watch our son." the phrase "Our son" stayed with me. Did he mean all 3 of us or him and his wife? Either way I will just pretend he meant all three of us. He is my little boy just not legally but I think we all will be in Heaven as a family after this life. I loved it. Melted my heart. He was so sincere. He is really the BEST dad and I am happy our sweet boy has such loving parents. I think I talked to his mom about this and she said something really nice too. They melt me. I never feel like they put me below them which is SO kind of them. I love them.
I could talk to his mom all night long but we didn't. We went to bed at 11:30. They also walked me through all the meds and all the day of what to expect. I loved that. I like to be in the know and it confirms how much they love their baby.
Baby's dad went to work at 6:10 and he wouldn't be back till late that night. I woke up right before he left for a bathroom break then heard Baby's mom around 7:30 and baby boy. I jumped up to say good bye and get breakfast rolling. We had pancakes that were AMAZING. Like really good. We made them with coconut almost milk and didn't need any syrup which of course we are so healthy ;) They said he loved pancakes and I couldn't help but remember eating pancakes with strawberries every Saturday morning when I was a prego. SO yummy. I am so happy that I get to see those things. But I never say that to them because I don't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings and I love them.
So we went out side with the dog Jack. Baby boy is SO good at saying his name and it is darling. So we played with him for a bit but he wanted to be pushed in the cute car stroller like below. So that was us. We went on a walk and ended up at the playground to SLIDE. He loved going on the slide but always wanted help and he would say, help me. I of course would and he would copy my excitement in whatever I would scream ahah it was so cute and SO SO SO fun.
Mr Independent pushed the car stroller back the whole way. till we almost got to his street then as we got to his street he jumped out and said slide and started walking back to the park. Well nap time was around the corner and I told him we needed to go see Jack and so he was fine with that. We went and let his dog out and got him down for his nap.
He picked out two books- I can't even remeber the other one but one of them was this book. In the front someone gave this to baby's mom and said this was a little boy I am assuming someone who was adopted book.
It wasn't little boys story and of course it kinda offended me because that is who I am. The one line about the birth mom was like she was too young to take care of me. That's it. I guess good thing I made him my own book so it is fine and I am glad that there are adoption books but sometimes it isn't because she couldn't take care of you. She could have... oh well moving on.
(I keep wanting to make a new adoption book because of this one. It just turns me even almost 2 months later. and this is nothing against the mom and dad or whoever gave it to them or whoever likes it. I am just sensitive about things. I can't change the world. MY OWN FAMILY still says gave up and I just as Christlike as possible say place. I guess we all have our own sensitive spots) I am glad that there is a book about adoption because it should be normal and inviting, it is!
love wins ;)
I was EXHAUSTED and also fell asleep.
I was sending updates to his parents through out the day. He is SO cute and I don't blame them for being worried. Not one bit. I was so worried after placing him so I just kept thinking that. They trust me as I trust them but you just want the best.
Well we woke up and headed to his Nana and Papa's house. He ate and then we played outside. He is the BEST eater BTW. He out ate me every meal! It was so fun to see baby's moms parents. THEY ARE SO SWEET.(everyone is that I meet that he is related to) Baby boy followed Nana around yelling her name whenever she was out of site. IT WAS SO CUTE. The cool thing Papa told me was they were going to meet their adoptive son's birth mom on Saturday. WOW! Cool.
Well, then we went to get my car and then we went and got my car tested then baby boys dad texted me. I debate putting this in here because I have to type it up but I just have to, it is REAALLLLLLY endearing how good of a dad he is. This day was Friday 5/29/15 I have been saving publishing this post so I could type in the convo. So I started updating them on him all day and then baby's dad sent a text after a few hours of me not saying anything.
2:36- dad-How is (baby boys nick name)?
2:40- me- I sent a picture of baby boy eating popcorn and I said I am getting gmy emissions done at jiffy lube and we're eating popcorn. Just saw nana and papa
2:41- dad- watch the popcorn, he can choke. I've never gave him popcorn.
2:42 me- ok. He'd doing great so far.
2:44 dad- okay good. Just don't want him to choke on the popcorn seeds.
2:46 mom- I've given him popcorn. He did fine. Just avoided the kernels. I'm almost done and can leave. Just helping a friend move desks.
2:47 me- Oh yay. Ok. He's doing good. Best eater ever!
3:02 me- just had a poop
I was truly laughing and just love how they are both so LOVING and trusting of me watching baby boy. Our babe.
By the way, he was the best pooper. It didn't even smash up against his bum. THANK GOODNESS> I was the most worried about that. Even though it seems so silly. I gag with those things and it is kinda embarrassing when that happens.
We got back to his house and got to spend the rest of the night with his mom and him and our friends my friend Linds and her little girl. We loved it and I had a blast with all of them and felt so included. Then we went home and they had their night and I went to see my BF for my hot Friday night date.
I am truly the luckiest birth mom.
We are so lucky that open adoption is normal for us and is a thing for us. We grew into it but we love it. I love them so much and am grateful for their support and love and prayers.
Love you all!
Mama Alice
I feel like whenever I think anything that is when I get a text or call about whatever I am thinking about. They are SO inspired. Well, I was a little jealous of my friend and I got a text from baby boys mom asking if I could watch him on Friday because both of them had to work. I asked my boss and she said yes so I took the day off.
I slept over on Thursday night so I wouldn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn and it was so so fun. That night baby boys dad was SO SO endearing, he said, "Thanks so much for taking the day off to watch our son." the phrase "Our son" stayed with me. Did he mean all 3 of us or him and his wife? Either way I will just pretend he meant all three of us. He is my little boy just not legally but I think we all will be in Heaven as a family after this life. I loved it. Melted my heart. He was so sincere. He is really the BEST dad and I am happy our sweet boy has such loving parents. I think I talked to his mom about this and she said something really nice too. They melt me. I never feel like they put me below them which is SO kind of them. I love them.
I could talk to his mom all night long but we didn't. We went to bed at 11:30. They also walked me through all the meds and all the day of what to expect. I loved that. I like to be in the know and it confirms how much they love their baby.
Baby's dad went to work at 6:10 and he wouldn't be back till late that night. I woke up right before he left for a bathroom break then heard Baby's mom around 7:30 and baby boy. I jumped up to say good bye and get breakfast rolling. We had pancakes that were AMAZING. Like really good. We made them with coconut almost milk and didn't need any syrup which of course we are so healthy ;) They said he loved pancakes and I couldn't help but remember eating pancakes with strawberries every Saturday morning when I was a prego. SO yummy. I am so happy that I get to see those things. But I never say that to them because I don't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings and I love them.
So we went out side with the dog Jack. Baby boy is SO good at saying his name and it is darling. So we played with him for a bit but he wanted to be pushed in the cute car stroller like below. So that was us. We went on a walk and ended up at the playground to SLIDE. He loved going on the slide but always wanted help and he would say, help me. I of course would and he would copy my excitement in whatever I would scream ahah it was so cute and SO SO SO fun.
He picked out two books- I can't even remeber the other one but one of them was this book. In the front someone gave this to baby's mom and said this was a little boy I am assuming someone who was adopted book.
(I keep wanting to make a new adoption book because of this one. It just turns me even almost 2 months later. and this is nothing against the mom and dad or whoever gave it to them or whoever likes it. I am just sensitive about things. I can't change the world. MY OWN FAMILY still says gave up and I just as Christlike as possible say place. I guess we all have our own sensitive spots) I am glad that there is a book about adoption because it should be normal and inviting, it is!
love wins ;)
I was EXHAUSTED and also fell asleep.
I was sending updates to his parents through out the day. He is SO cute and I don't blame them for being worried. Not one bit. I was so worried after placing him so I just kept thinking that. They trust me as I trust them but you just want the best.
Well we woke up and headed to his Nana and Papa's house. He ate and then we played outside. He is the BEST eater BTW. He out ate me every meal! It was so fun to see baby's moms parents. THEY ARE SO SWEET.(everyone is that I meet that he is related to) Baby boy followed Nana around yelling her name whenever she was out of site. IT WAS SO CUTE. The cool thing Papa told me was they were going to meet their adoptive son's birth mom on Saturday. WOW! Cool.
Well, then we went to get my car and then we went and got my car tested then baby boys dad texted me. I debate putting this in here because I have to type it up but I just have to, it is REAALLLLLLY endearing how good of a dad he is. This day was Friday 5/29/15 I have been saving publishing this post so I could type in the convo. So I started updating them on him all day and then baby's dad sent a text after a few hours of me not saying anything.
2:36- dad-How is (baby boys nick name)?
2:40- me- I sent a picture of baby boy eating popcorn and I said I am getting gmy emissions done at jiffy lube and we're eating popcorn. Just saw nana and papa
2:41- dad- watch the popcorn, he can choke. I've never gave him popcorn.
2:42 me- ok. He'd doing great so far.
2:44 dad- okay good. Just don't want him to choke on the popcorn seeds.
2:46 mom- I've given him popcorn. He did fine. Just avoided the kernels. I'm almost done and can leave. Just helping a friend move desks.
2:47 me- Oh yay. Ok. He's doing good. Best eater ever!
3:02 me- just had a poop
I was truly laughing and just love how they are both so LOVING and trusting of me watching baby boy. Our babe.
By the way, he was the best pooper. It didn't even smash up against his bum. THANK GOODNESS> I was the most worried about that. Even though it seems so silly. I gag with those things and it is kinda embarrassing when that happens.
We got back to his house and got to spend the rest of the night with his mom and him and our friends my friend Linds and her little girl. We loved it and I had a blast with all of them and felt so included. Then we went home and they had their night and I went to see my BF for my hot Friday night date.
I am truly the luckiest birth mom.
We are so lucky that open adoption is normal for us and is a thing for us. We grew into it but we love it. I love them so much and am grateful for their support and love and prayers.
Love you all!
Mama Alice
Monday, May 18, 2015
Happy mother's day to everyone and me
pv 4609
SO I woke up in Pocatello Idaho. I had a 6 bedroom apartment to myself so naturally my boyfriend came. While he was still sleeping and I was about to cook breakfast I got a call from my baby's mom and my baby. Is he still a baby because he is under 2? He talks and does the cutest stuff. Anyways, they called me and sang me a song.
Happy Mother's day
Happy Mother's day
Happy Mother's day
Happy Mother's day
Happy Mother's day
It was in my head the rest of the day- that sweet boys voice and his sweet mommy. I love them both.
It really melted my heart. It really is the little things.
I told my friend in September about baby boy and she sent me the nicest, thoughtful text.
Happy Mother's Day! I see the love you have for (baby boy) and what a wonderful mom you are to him. Hope you feel loved and appreciated today for the special mom that you are!! Love you!!
My friend that the birth dad told who has been my friend for ages sent one too.
"I woke up thinking about you this morning and wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's day! You are the most selfless kind of mother there is. Love you! I hope your day is great.
My dad wished me a happy mother's day which was SUPRISING and so did my sweet sis.
My cousin got me feet stuff for Mothers day- I JUST LOVE it too. It is from Melaeuca and I recommended it for sure.
and about 15 mintues ago I got this from the babies mom.
I'm just making dinner and watching (baby boy) play with his doggy outside and am overwhelmed with love and gratitude to God for him. Thanks for trusting me to be his mom. Thanks for serving a mission and being so wonderful to (our common friend and my mission comp that passed) so that we have that connection. Oh my.. I feel like I'm writing a love letter. Ha ha. but seriously I am so grateful for you and what a wonderful birth mommy you are. (baby boy) is the luckiest.
I AM THE LUCKIEST.
I hear stories of other birth moms and the adoptive mom doesn't let the birth mom take pictures with the baby or they don't send pictures. On our end we went over to my friends house for dinner on Saturday and it was so normal. I kissed the heck out of that sweet little boy and my friends little girl too. I just love them both but I just want that sweet baby boy to always know I am so loving him, forever. He is SO SO cute. I miss him each time I am not with him and wish I could be with him always but I am so happy he has a loving environment that he learns Spanish and he grows up with his cousins and he doesn't get bounced around. I always worry that he will one day hate that I did that to him- placed him for adoption but he would hate me worse for bouncing him between two parents and that is one more reason why adoption felt and feels so right.
That is the one thing that I am grateful for. I might feel like my heart is walking on the outside of my body in a whole different zip code but I couldn't be happier for the environment he is growing up in. HE IS SO CUTE.
I am so grateful for open adoption. It is different but it is normal- at least for me.
Happy mothers day to all the woman I know.
Oh that sweet boyfriend of mine made me breakfast the next day and he made sure I got a rose when we went to lunch( we were out of town so we did go out on Sunday) My most favorite part of him was when he came up behind me when he first woke up and hugged me from behind and whispered in my ear, happy mothers day.
I AM A FREAKING MOM- though I feel like a single mom without a baby I am a mom. I get my moments with the sweetest babe in the world and like my other friend said, having a baby is like crack you just want more and your body craves is.
I can't wait till I have a baby and make babies with my baby. a baby being a husband of course.
I dream of that, I never use to till this sweet little boy grew up a body in my belly.
Once again- I love you all. I love this and I love love.
mama alice.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Mothers day night
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I must say one thing- I love my family. The family that lives 30 minutes away. The family that teases me and that I tease. The family that gives the sweetest baby boy, their son and my son loves and true love at that.
Yesterday was PEFECT!
I got to kiss sweet boy all over and he came right to me. Oh that skin, those eyes, that nose, those lips, those hands those everything. I love that sweet kid! So we were eating dinner and I was sitting by him and he was not able to get every last bit of his spaghetti and so I was helping him get it. I reached for his fork and he pulled it away from me and smiled at me. THAT CUTIE, sneaky and tease! Dinner was Hawaiian which is one of my favorites. YUM! His daddy taught him to say "happy day" that voice just makes me want to melt. It is SO cute.
He kept coming over to me at the dinner table and I would lift him up 3 times then he would run back to his room and then come back and I would do it again. It was a BLAST! He kept letting me tickle him and his mom got the cutest little video of it. SO FUN! We just laughed the whole night.
I could listen to that laugh forever.
His bath he was so cute. His mom talked about this rash he had on his bum and he kept saying bum and pointing at it with a concerned face hahaha so cute. They are teaching him Happy birthday so he can sing it on his birthday which is SO cute. He sings it with his mom and splashes in the bathtub as they sing it and he will say SPLASH.
Happy birthday to you- SPLASH
Happy birthday to you SPLAsh and so on it is so fun and cute.
Then we put him to bed and he kept wrestling with his dad and then he climbed on my belly and was bouncing on it. I couldn't help but think- that belly is where you grew! I didn't say anything.
He also would rotate kisses to all of us which is SO cute and fun.
Oh his mom LOVED the picture. What a relief. I hate when worries get in your way. She is going to hang it in the play room.
When baby boy went to bed we talked for hours and I loved it.
Talked about parenting. Gays, treating everyone equaling. How they are going to deal with people who come into their house. Just good stuff.
I love that family. PERFECT mothers day night.
To my sweet baby boy- I always wonder what you will be like when you get older and when you were born I couldn't help but think you would change the world. You have changed so many worlds already and you don't even know it but you will change more and more. You have wonderful families and love all around you. You are growing up so sweet and kind. I heard you like to bite sometimes and I am grateful you are soft with me and don't bite me. Your teeth would eat me right up and even though I would love your sweet kisses I want to watch you grow up more and more. I am so shocked you aren't taller and I think you will be. I had a dream of you when you are older and I can so see how you are going to be SO fun and yet inquisitive and smart. You are SO loved. Your mama Alice loves you. Your parents ADORE you and think you are the best thing in the world. I must say- you are. Your my best thing I have ever made! Thanks for letting me grow you buddy. You deserve this life and this life deserves every bit of you in it that we can all get. I miss you already and can't wait to go to the aquarium with you. OH and you speak Spanish! Brilliant! Your sweet mom and dad are growing a little Samuel. It is DARLING! XOXOXOOX
XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX
mama alice
OH ps- They gave me a cute frame with a picture of baby boy and I and some cute pictures and a dog card. They are truly the best lovers ever. Oh and some chocolate.
What should I do for fathers day?
Oh sometimes I feel like we really all 3 had a baby. He is so much like us. All of us and yet he is so his own. I feel bad that the birth dad will never get to see the beauty of this adoption and that someday when fathers day comes for him he will be all alone without a cute kid thinking he is so funny. But I know that him not being in the picture is the best thing.
Being tossed family to family is not that way to live a life. That I know and God always put in my heart that adoption for baby boy was the best and God knows best.
The peace that came with the RIGHT family is un explainable. Absolutely perfect and complete.
LOVE YOU ALL!
I must say one thing- I love my family. The family that lives 30 minutes away. The family that teases me and that I tease. The family that gives the sweetest baby boy, their son and my son loves and true love at that.
Yesterday was PEFECT!
I got to kiss sweet boy all over and he came right to me. Oh that skin, those eyes, that nose, those lips, those hands those everything. I love that sweet kid! So we were eating dinner and I was sitting by him and he was not able to get every last bit of his spaghetti and so I was helping him get it. I reached for his fork and he pulled it away from me and smiled at me. THAT CUTIE, sneaky and tease! Dinner was Hawaiian which is one of my favorites. YUM! His daddy taught him to say "happy day" that voice just makes me want to melt. It is SO cute.
He kept coming over to me at the dinner table and I would lift him up 3 times then he would run back to his room and then come back and I would do it again. It was a BLAST! He kept letting me tickle him and his mom got the cutest little video of it. SO FUN! We just laughed the whole night.
I could listen to that laugh forever.
His bath he was so cute. His mom talked about this rash he had on his bum and he kept saying bum and pointing at it with a concerned face hahaha so cute. They are teaching him Happy birthday so he can sing it on his birthday which is SO cute. He sings it with his mom and splashes in the bathtub as they sing it and he will say SPLASH.
Happy birthday to you- SPLASH
Happy birthday to you SPLAsh and so on it is so fun and cute.
Then we put him to bed and he kept wrestling with his dad and then he climbed on my belly and was bouncing on it. I couldn't help but think- that belly is where you grew! I didn't say anything.
He also would rotate kisses to all of us which is SO cute and fun.
Oh his mom LOVED the picture. What a relief. I hate when worries get in your way. She is going to hang it in the play room.
When baby boy went to bed we talked for hours and I loved it.
Talked about parenting. Gays, treating everyone equaling. How they are going to deal with people who come into their house. Just good stuff.
I love that family. PERFECT mothers day night.
To my sweet baby boy- I always wonder what you will be like when you get older and when you were born I couldn't help but think you would change the world. You have changed so many worlds already and you don't even know it but you will change more and more. You have wonderful families and love all around you. You are growing up so sweet and kind. I heard you like to bite sometimes and I am grateful you are soft with me and don't bite me. Your teeth would eat me right up and even though I would love your sweet kisses I want to watch you grow up more and more. I am so shocked you aren't taller and I think you will be. I had a dream of you when you are older and I can so see how you are going to be SO fun and yet inquisitive and smart. You are SO loved. Your mama Alice loves you. Your parents ADORE you and think you are the best thing in the world. I must say- you are. Your my best thing I have ever made! Thanks for letting me grow you buddy. You deserve this life and this life deserves every bit of you in it that we can all get. I miss you already and can't wait to go to the aquarium with you. OH and you speak Spanish! Brilliant! Your sweet mom and dad are growing a little Samuel. It is DARLING! XOXOXOOX
XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX
mama alice
OH ps- They gave me a cute frame with a picture of baby boy and I and some cute pictures and a dog card. They are truly the best lovers ever. Oh and some chocolate.
What should I do for fathers day?
Oh sometimes I feel like we really all 3 had a baby. He is so much like us. All of us and yet he is so his own. I feel bad that the birth dad will never get to see the beauty of this adoption and that someday when fathers day comes for him he will be all alone without a cute kid thinking he is so funny. But I know that him not being in the picture is the best thing.
Being tossed family to family is not that way to live a life. That I know and God always put in my heart that adoption for baby boy was the best and God knows best.
The peace that came with the RIGHT family is un explainable. Absolutely perfect and complete.
LOVE YOU ALL!
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
mothers day gift and the lovely friends of my friend
4509 page views
Remember my friend that passed away from Cancer? She is SO lovely. I met some of her friends at the funeral and the month before she passed and they invited me out last night to the most fun night and somehow I told someone I had a baby and placed him with baby's mom who everyone knows. They all went to a camp together. So cute right? (but I thought all of them knew but not everyone did, I almost got emotional.) Almost.
They are seriously so great. They made me feel so loved and wanted and like one of the girls yet I just met them. I would do anything for all of them. They are so good at making people feel so loved. Honestly I can't remember everyone's name but it was really fun.
I gave them this blog link after I kinda walked them through being prego and the journey of family 1 getting prego. Thinking about 3rd family through the pregnancy off and on but not connecting things till June. Then telling family 2 no through an email on Fathers day which I realize was so idiot of me but I didn't even think of it then.
Anyways- I am so thankful for people who care- We all need love. ALL OF US.
I got the most darling thing for baby boys mom for mothers day. BUT I HAVE BEEN SO WORRIED that she might hate it. It is a picture of the two of us kissing baby boy on Mothers day last year. It just arrived. I am kinda glad that she doesn't read the blog so I can write about surprises on here. I asked her sister if she thought she would love it or hate it. Her sister said she will love it well fingers crossed. If she doesn't like it She can give it back and I will hang it up somewhere. I got 16X20 which is kinda big I know but I couldn't help myself.
here is what it kinda looks like: Except we are standing. If you would like to see it text me. It is cute. and we are both girls. I searched 2 moms kissing baby and nothing came up. Darn it.
The clean up wouldn't be that cute- I think baby's dad would for sure kill me hahahahahahaha Which I sometimes think is so fun to tease him, okay ALL the time. We are so lucky to have another. He gives me the best, simple advice. It is so refreshing. I love baby's dad. Now what to do for Fathers day for him? I got matching ties for him and baby boy last year and the tie was to big for last year, darn it! I dunno about this year. He is really a great dad. Both him and his wife. I couldn't have chosen better parents for baby boy- thank goodness God led us together.
I am so excited to give her the picture- she will love it. Fingers Crossed.
Love you all and baby boy- I can't wait to kiss you soon!
Remember my friend that passed away from Cancer? She is SO lovely. I met some of her friends at the funeral and the month before she passed and they invited me out last night to the most fun night and somehow I told someone I had a baby and placed him with baby's mom who everyone knows. They all went to a camp together. So cute right? (but I thought all of them knew but not everyone did, I almost got emotional.) Almost.
They are seriously so great. They made me feel so loved and wanted and like one of the girls yet I just met them. I would do anything for all of them. They are so good at making people feel so loved. Honestly I can't remember everyone's name but it was really fun.
I gave them this blog link after I kinda walked them through being prego and the journey of family 1 getting prego. Thinking about 3rd family through the pregnancy off and on but not connecting things till June. Then telling family 2 no through an email on Fathers day which I realize was so idiot of me but I didn't even think of it then.
Anyways- I am so thankful for people who care- We all need love. ALL OF US.
I got the most darling thing for baby boys mom for mothers day. BUT I HAVE BEEN SO WORRIED that she might hate it. It is a picture of the two of us kissing baby boy on Mothers day last year. It just arrived. I am kinda glad that she doesn't read the blog so I can write about surprises on here. I asked her sister if she thought she would love it or hate it. Her sister said she will love it well fingers crossed. If she doesn't like it She can give it back and I will hang it up somewhere. I got 16X20 which is kinda big I know but I couldn't help myself.
here is what it kinda looks like: Except we are standing. If you would like to see it text me. It is cute. and we are both girls. I searched 2 moms kissing baby and nothing came up. Darn it.
isn't this so cute?
The clean up wouldn't be that cute- I think baby's dad would for sure kill me hahahahahahaha Which I sometimes think is so fun to tease him, okay ALL the time. We are so lucky to have another. He gives me the best, simple advice. It is so refreshing. I love baby's dad. Now what to do for Fathers day for him? I got matching ties for him and baby boy last year and the tie was to big for last year, darn it! I dunno about this year. He is really a great dad. Both him and his wife. I couldn't have chosen better parents for baby boy- thank goodness God led us together.
I am so excited to give her the picture- she will love it. Fingers Crossed.
Love you all and baby boy- I can't wait to kiss you soon!
Friday, April 17, 2015
The power of writing and reading and life
I have a friend at work (she works 2 hours north of me and we email)who opened up to me and told me some intimate details about her life. I am always skeptical about sharing this blog but I sent it to her. I didn't know if she would read it or not but I trust her and think she is an awesome girl. I feel like we are more pen pals but I really like her.
I hadn't heard from her so I wrote her this morning,
"I hope you are doing well today and I didn’t overwhelm you!"
She wrote me back and said
I don't think people realize, excuse me, I don't think I realize the power of this blog and the power of writing. Sometimes I do wonder
I wrote her back....
She wrote back
I hadn't heard from her so I wrote her this morning,
"I hope you are doing well today and I didn’t overwhelm you!"
She wrote me back and said
No! You didn’t… I read your
whole blog last night ( really, ALL of it!!! ). My heart broke for you. I am so
so sorry L That was so brave of you to do that. I couldn’t.. I
tried, but I just couldn’t.( personal stuff....)My husband, yes, I met him 7 years ago, my daughter was 3, turning 4. He
has adopted my daughter, since her dad didn’t really care one way or another. I
know you will find someone who will look at you and love you for all you are
and have done, and for all that it taught you.
I wrote her back....
I can’t help but love you. I am
so shocked and amazed, you read all of it. haha Yes, (my X) and I broke up
basically because of it but I love my little sweet boy and my adoption but I
also have challenging times. I am dating a new guy and it is really good. He has
a kid but it is pretty good. I hope it isn’t too depressing
haha ;) I LOVE your husband for being
such a MAN! That is great. I just want you to write your story- it is
incredible! I am going to blog about you reading the blog is that okay?
She wrote back
Hahaha, yes it is okay. It wasn’t
depressing, I saw so much of my own feelings from the beginning , or before I
decided I couldn’t do an adoption. But the fear I felt in the beginning, all
the same thoughts.. So much pain involved… You will have challenging times,
I am sure, but you did what you did because you decided that was best for the
baby at the time, and that is anything but selfish, because you knew you would
feel that void your whole life but you still wanted him to have an amazing
life. And that is beautiful. (my X) is a jackass if he cant see that! But, if it
makes you feel better, my husband and I broke up three times within a year of
dating because it was hard for him, not because he didn’t love me or thought
less of me, but because he was afraid of being a dad, and he was afraid
that all the pain I had gone through would hurt us but things feel into place,
and I know it will for you, because the right guy may be scared, but he will
want you anyways!
I am just beyond feeling loved and validated. It is truly amazing how just the written word can mean so much. SHE READ MY WHOLE BLOG! I have 69 views from her yesterday. I just thought nobody really cared, or at least I think sometimes nobody cares about me. I care so why wouldn't others?
I really love my little boy and of course I will feel the pain of not having him the rest of my life, yesterday was one of those days... I just wish he needed me... he doesn't. He has lovely parents who God lead me to and I choose for them. My little heart walks on the outside of my body and GOSH HE IS PERFECT. I am just as those moms on facebook and social media and think my little boy is perfect. He is. He is mine and is someway, he is mine forever.
I love my coworker for being so great.
I am just beyond feeling loved and validated. It is truly amazing how just the written word can mean so much. SHE READ MY WHOLE BLOG! I have 69 views from her yesterday. I just thought nobody really cared, or at least I think sometimes nobody cares about me. I care so why wouldn't others?
I really love my little boy and of course I will feel the pain of not having him the rest of my life, yesterday was one of those days... I just wish he needed me... he doesn't. He has lovely parents who God lead me to and I choose for them. My little heart walks on the outside of my body and GOSH HE IS PERFECT. I am just as those moms on facebook and social media and think my little boy is perfect. He is. He is mine and is someway, he is mine forever.
I love my coworker for being so great.
This image really spoke to me. Here I am writing and I truly feel like I see this in my writing.
ISN'T this powerful?
This song just popped up on my Pandora- wow
You know, my friend died and I wish I could read her every thought, I bet only a handful of people really care about all these things but those that do care, I hope it is helping you and I do care about you like the song below.
"All About You"
Why does she make sure to be so immature about these things, I don’t want you to change around it
And sometimes this love will end and all will be forgotten then someday we will laugh about it
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
You could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
And you could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
I know all about you
And sometimes this love will end and all will be forgotten then someday we will laugh about it
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
You could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
You don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
And you should know that someone cares about you
I know all about you
And you say that it's alright
And I know that it’s a lie
From the black in your eyes
Here I am still holding on you’re finding ways to break the bonds, they’re stronger than you realize
And you could say that I’ve not tried, I’ve let you down, left you behind but you’re the one who’s saying goodbye
And you don’t have to do this on your own
Like there’s no one that cares about you
You don’t have to act like you're alone
Like the walls are closing in around you
You don’t have to pretend no one knows
Like there’s no one that understands you
I’m not just some face you used to know
I know all about you
I know all about you
Friday, April 3, 2015
Response for Brooke
I have a darling birth mom friend. Her name is Brooke. This is what she wrote on our birth mom facebook page.
"I posted in the ole blog today! I would love some feedback. Maybe some advice or opinions too! Feel free to share to your other birth mom friends who aren't part of the group. I want as much advice as possible. Thanks! xoxo "
Brooke this post is completely for you. I am going to comment on all your little posts. I call you yesterday and then when I got your text I was driving to see a friend so I couldn't call you back.
1. Completely incompetent around her
I think with my little boy I was so stand offish not because I felt incompetent but because I didn't want to hurt the adopted parents. I wanted to run to him constantly. I was just talking to his Aunt this last week and she brought up that little boys dad would call her in the night when little boys mom was gone and be like, what do I do to get him to stop crying and what do I do to help. Partly it hurt my feelings, I lived only a few blocks from them but really this was their bonding time. A couple months ago I saw baby boy and he only wanted his mom. He didn't want me. THAT HURTS, I have to be so open with my feelings or the burn my soul down. I just told him, I want to hold you because I love you and it makes me sad you won't let me kiss you and hug you. Worst fear for me that he doesn't want me- GRRR. Then again it is what I want, I would hope he would want his parents over me, then that means he is being taken care of and they are being parents. You are and I am still the mom to these little children but they don't get to be with us. I like to say I am a single mom with no kids. I use to stay awake at night thinking about what he is doing if he is happy. What he was doing right then, if he was napping, eating. I am happy I am past that because I couldn't live my life. Anyway, I think you are a great mom to S and you will be a great mom to your little future children who are cheering for you in heaven!
2. Obligated to feel so comfortable with all of this
My blog is my out. I write things I should never write but I ABSOLUTELY need the validation and my gosh my little heart is walking outside of my body. I am SO SO SO sensitive about the silliest things. My poor friends, family and boyfriends that have to deal me with educating everyone on placing and being so mean about birth dads because of course the girl is always right..... or so I feel and need to work on but it is hard. The more I talk about it openly with people I love and care about the more comfortable and normal this feels. I just wish people weren't so quick to put a scarlet letter on peoples chests for breaking a law of God but I have felt like that. We need the atonement, anyway. Those are my feelings. It is the best thing I have ever been through, never have I been closer to my God and never had I felt more loved with that but it was tough and still is.
3. Scared of babies
I RUN to all babies. At first every baby reminded me of baby boy but now I am just in love with babies. They love you back so easily. Maybe try to be around more babies? You can so do this! I love reading your thoughts Brooke.
4. Irritated at people who treat placement like it ain't no thing but a chicken wing
AMEN! No chicken wings here. I think sometimes I down play it. I think people only see the adoption as the couple that has wanted a baby forever got their baby and they don't think of the poor birth mom shattered in the corner, alone, her body pouring with milk for nobody to feast on. There she is broken and wounded but the world seems to treat the adoptive family so nicely. I think birth moms get the hoe bag wrap and they get such a emotional baggage stamp on their back.... I am getting fired up. I wish people weren't so ignorant and cruel. This is no chicken wing, grief is real and real is grief.
How do I want to be treated? Like a hero because that is what I am a hero. My friends that treat me as such feels the most comfortable.
hero-noun, plural heroes;
5. Grieving a loss
I am amazed with the times I go through this loss. I feel the exact same as you.
6. Baby hungry
I agree, give me my family now. I want it the way that I have always wanted. This is my dream. Always has been. I am a hopeless romantic to the core and I first want that dreamy husband and that beautiful baby wrapped in a blanket for me to hold and stay awake with for hours and listen for the cry at church and to watch get on the bus for the first day of school. I want to walk through the grocery store and people to tell me how beautiful my baby is. I want my husband to push the stroller and me to hold his arm and go on walks. I want that, I crave it.
I love you Brooke- Keep opening up, keep healing. Keep on keeping on. I am here for you daily, hourly and by the minute.
I wish we could go to dinner and a movie. Thanks for being so sweet to me through such a hard time of my life and yet a beautiful time. I love you.
Love mama alice
"I posted in the ole blog today! I would love some feedback. Maybe some advice or opinions too! Feel free to share to your other birth mom friends who aren't part of the group. I want as much advice as possible. Thanks! xoxo "
Brooke this post is completely for you. I am going to comment on all your little posts. I call you yesterday and then when I got your text I was driving to see a friend so I couldn't call you back.
1. Completely incompetent around her
I think with my little boy I was so stand offish not because I felt incompetent but because I didn't want to hurt the adopted parents. I wanted to run to him constantly. I was just talking to his Aunt this last week and she brought up that little boys dad would call her in the night when little boys mom was gone and be like, what do I do to get him to stop crying and what do I do to help. Partly it hurt my feelings, I lived only a few blocks from them but really this was their bonding time. A couple months ago I saw baby boy and he only wanted his mom. He didn't want me. THAT HURTS, I have to be so open with my feelings or the burn my soul down. I just told him, I want to hold you because I love you and it makes me sad you won't let me kiss you and hug you. Worst fear for me that he doesn't want me- GRRR. Then again it is what I want, I would hope he would want his parents over me, then that means he is being taken care of and they are being parents. You are and I am still the mom to these little children but they don't get to be with us. I like to say I am a single mom with no kids. I use to stay awake at night thinking about what he is doing if he is happy. What he was doing right then, if he was napping, eating. I am happy I am past that because I couldn't live my life. Anyway, I think you are a great mom to S and you will be a great mom to your little future children who are cheering for you in heaven!
2. Obligated to feel so comfortable with all of this
My blog is my out. I write things I should never write but I ABSOLUTELY need the validation and my gosh my little heart is walking outside of my body. I am SO SO SO sensitive about the silliest things. My poor friends, family and boyfriends that have to deal me with educating everyone on placing and being so mean about birth dads because of course the girl is always right..... or so I feel and need to work on but it is hard. The more I talk about it openly with people I love and care about the more comfortable and normal this feels. I just wish people weren't so quick to put a scarlet letter on peoples chests for breaking a law of God but I have felt like that. We need the atonement, anyway. Those are my feelings. It is the best thing I have ever been through, never have I been closer to my God and never had I felt more loved with that but it was tough and still is.
3. Scared of babies
I RUN to all babies. At first every baby reminded me of baby boy but now I am just in love with babies. They love you back so easily. Maybe try to be around more babies? You can so do this! I love reading your thoughts Brooke.
4. Irritated at people who treat placement like it ain't no thing but a chicken wing
AMEN! No chicken wings here. I think sometimes I down play it. I think people only see the adoption as the couple that has wanted a baby forever got their baby and they don't think of the poor birth mom shattered in the corner, alone, her body pouring with milk for nobody to feast on. There she is broken and wounded but the world seems to treat the adoptive family so nicely. I think birth moms get the hoe bag wrap and they get such a emotional baggage stamp on their back.... I am getting fired up. I wish people weren't so ignorant and cruel. This is no chicken wing, grief is real and real is grief.
How do I want to be treated? Like a hero because that is what I am a hero. My friends that treat me as such feels the most comfortable.
1.
a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2.
We are total hero's, completely and to the T. Maybe it sounds egotistical but this is my blog and I get to say what I feel and think.
a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or hasperformed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal
5. Grieving a loss
I am amazed with the times I go through this loss. I feel the exact same as you.
6. Baby hungry
I agree, give me my family now. I want it the way that I have always wanted. This is my dream. Always has been. I am a hopeless romantic to the core and I first want that dreamy husband and that beautiful baby wrapped in a blanket for me to hold and stay awake with for hours and listen for the cry at church and to watch get on the bus for the first day of school. I want to walk through the grocery store and people to tell me how beautiful my baby is. I want my husband to push the stroller and me to hold his arm and go on walks. I want that, I crave it.
I love you Brooke- Keep opening up, keep healing. Keep on keeping on. I am here for you daily, hourly and by the minute.
I wish we could go to dinner and a movie. Thanks for being so sweet to me through such a hard time of my life and yet a beautiful time. I love you.
Love mama alice
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