"I posted in the ole blog today! I would love some feedback. Maybe some advice or opinions too! Feel free to share to your other birth mom friends who aren't part of the group. I want as much advice as possible. Thanks! xoxo "
Brooke this post is completely for you. I am going to comment on all your little posts. I call you yesterday and then when I got your text I was driving to see a friend so I couldn't call you back.
1. Completely incompetent around her
I think with my little boy I was so stand offish not because I felt incompetent but because I didn't want to hurt the adopted parents. I wanted to run to him constantly. I was just talking to his Aunt this last week and she brought up that little boys dad would call her in the night when little boys mom was gone and be like, what do I do to get him to stop crying and what do I do to help. Partly it hurt my feelings, I lived only a few blocks from them but really this was their bonding time. A couple months ago I saw baby boy and he only wanted his mom. He didn't want me. THAT HURTS, I have to be so open with my feelings or the burn my soul down. I just told him, I want to hold you because I love you and it makes me sad you won't let me kiss you and hug you. Worst fear for me that he doesn't want me- GRRR. Then again it is what I want, I would hope he would want his parents over me, then that means he is being taken care of and they are being parents. You are and I am still the mom to these little children but they don't get to be with us. I like to say I am a single mom with no kids. I use to stay awake at night thinking about what he is doing if he is happy. What he was doing right then, if he was napping, eating. I am happy I am past that because I couldn't live my life. Anyway, I think you are a great mom to S and you will be a great mom to your little future children who are cheering for you in heaven!
2. Obligated to feel so comfortable with all of this
My blog is my out. I write things I should never write but I ABSOLUTELY need the validation and my gosh my little heart is walking outside of my body. I am SO SO SO sensitive about the silliest things. My poor friends, family and boyfriends that have to deal me with educating everyone on placing and being so mean about birth dads because of course the girl is always right..... or so I feel and need to work on but it is hard. The more I talk about it openly with people I love and care about the more comfortable and normal this feels. I just wish people weren't so quick to put a scarlet letter on peoples chests for breaking a law of God but I have felt like that. We need the atonement, anyway. Those are my feelings. It is the best thing I have ever been through, never have I been closer to my God and never had I felt more loved with that but it was tough and still is.
3. Scared of babies
I RUN to all babies. At first every baby reminded me of baby boy but now I am just in love with babies. They love you back so easily. Maybe try to be around more babies? You can so do this! I love reading your thoughts Brooke.
4. Irritated at people who treat placement like it ain't no thing but a chicken wing
AMEN! No chicken wings here. I think sometimes I down play it. I think people only see the adoption as the couple that has wanted a baby forever got their baby and they don't think of the poor birth mom shattered in the corner, alone, her body pouring with milk for nobody to feast on. There she is broken and wounded but the world seems to treat the adoptive family so nicely. I think birth moms get the hoe bag wrap and they get such a emotional baggage stamp on their back.... I am getting fired up. I wish people weren't so ignorant and cruel. This is no chicken wing, grief is real and real is grief.
How do I want to be treated? Like a hero because that is what I am a hero. My friends that treat me as such feels the most comfortable.
1.
a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2.
We are total hero's, completely and to the T. Maybe it sounds egotistical but this is my blog and I get to say what I feel and think.
a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or hasperformed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal
5. Grieving a loss
I am amazed with the times I go through this loss. I feel the exact same as you.
6. Baby hungry
I agree, give me my family now. I want it the way that I have always wanted. This is my dream. Always has been. I am a hopeless romantic to the core and I first want that dreamy husband and that beautiful baby wrapped in a blanket for me to hold and stay awake with for hours and listen for the cry at church and to watch get on the bus for the first day of school. I want to walk through the grocery store and people to tell me how beautiful my baby is. I want my husband to push the stroller and me to hold his arm and go on walks. I want that, I crave it.
I love you Brooke- Keep opening up, keep healing. Keep on keeping on. I am here for you daily, hourly and by the minute.
I wish we could go to dinner and a movie. Thanks for being so sweet to me through such a hard time of my life and yet a beautiful time. I love you.
Love mama alice
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