29 Weeks and one day

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Physically- I am doing pretty well. When I am active and working out, like going to my gym and doing Zumba or walking my tummy tightens up VERY VERY HARD. It is amazing. I have the hardest tummy of my life an the biggest. Last week I measured at 28 cm at the doctor and I haven't gained any weight. I am sure nobody really cares how much a weigh but I lost 20 pounds and still haven't gained. Actually last week I gained 2 pounds and this week I haven't gained any. I guess for being obese that is normal though. My doctor isn't worried at all and it is her job to worry and my job to be happy.

I wake up starving every morning. It is awesome.

Emotionally- I don't talk to my family as much. It is just to much now. I don't know why I don't talk to them but maybe there is TO Much going on in my working life that my personal life is going on the back burner or I just don't know. I am confident they are getting excited and are happy to have baby but things are so much in the air with things being 100 percent sure and done I just can't get excited either way. I have to be okay with placement and okay with single parenting and I can't find a balance in those so why not ignore both until it goes the way it goes?

Spiritually- Ever since our general conference I have felt so ignored and abandoned spiritually. I am REALLY trying to get everything perfect in my life and I am reading and trying to have perfect kind thoughts but I just feel like I am going through a time that I just want to be a full accepted member and I realize the road a head is a long one. Something I will not do again.

Life is good though. I am really really happy and at peace in a big way.

Alice

28 weeks and 4 days

598 views

I got SO SO SO sick last night. I just felt like my tummy was so sick and it was like first trimester all over again. That was the pits!!! I FINALLY fell asleep at 1 after a shower, bath and getting a million pillows so I could sit up in bed instead of lay down and prop every part of my body up. To bad I woke up at 5 am with a kink in my neck and still feeling awful. Went to the bathroom and stayed up till 6:30 AM. Then up at 8:30 or work. Being a working professional isn't to bad until you are going to work with a head ache and no sleep.

I don't want to live through that again. Can I take tylenol? I have only taken that one time

I am putting myself back on my first trimester diet.

Wake up 8:30 and 9 drink juice ( I drank OJ but I don't think I can handle that again, I am going to buy apple in bulk so I can grab and go)

Snack at 11

Small lunch at 2

Snack at 4

Small dinner at 6

Stuff I like eating, fruits, veggies, simple foods.. potatoes, no oil, no nothing.

If anyone remembers what I use to eat during this time. Please let me know. I have forgotten.

Alice

28 weeks one day

590 views

I MADE IT TO 28 WEEKS! I keep thinking I am 27 and I made it past my age. Now only if I can make it to 40. My Dr said I will be induced at 41 and not before. She also asked about birth control for the future and went over condoms and ect. It was ha ha educational.

Yesterday I was having panic moments throughout the whole day. I just was SO nervous for the glucose test and the shot I had to get for my blood type. It was so scary to me.

My coworker who is a guy stuck out the drinking with me. I had my water and the orange syrup (ew) right next to me. He had 16 ounces of water and at 3:10 we both chugged it down till 3:14. WHEW! He is so great to do it with me. I told him he was being birth dad for a minute.

My shedaddy cousin came to my doctors appointment. SHE IS AMAZING. I have never felt so much support then from her throughout the whole time. I know she is so stressed with school. I would be if I had a millions papers to write totaling 50 plus pages. She is just so great. I have been SO SO blessed to have her come. She is also coming to my next appointment too. I owe her so much. Not only did she help me find the family she has been SUPER supportive. I am so grateful and she keeps me calm.

The appointment-

I got my blood drawn, painless.

I got weighed, I already know because I weigh myself but I have still kept off the 15 pounds from the initial 20 pound loss.

Peed in a cup

Talked to Dr about the birth, she said it is okay to walk to the hospital as long as my water doesn't break then I better drive a car.

Heard baby's heartbeat. Sounds great.

Got a shot in my bum. I was laying down so that was good too. Tiny bit of pain.


I am trying to remember. Did I talk about my hip popping out of place? That wan't good.

I have HEART BURN ACID FEELING a lot a lot. Shedaddy cousin sent me a link of good things to eat and do to help that subside. So far I am chugging water.

My tummy is the size of my fists. Can't eat more then that and if I do I feel awful. It is nice.

Baby boy loves the top right part of the belly, right under my boob and over my rib. my ribs are under the baby I think which is nice because when he does kick then I can hold that spot so he kicks my hand instead of just my belly which isn't awful but not pleasant.

He also will do hand stands and it feels SO SO uncomfortable because I feel like he is trying to come out and it isn't a good feeling, it is like having to go the bathroom and have a period all in one movement.

His hands feel like pop rocks still and his feet feel like drums... little drums.

 Lately he has been sitting on my right side.

My moods have been good.

My mom is coming to spend a few months with me this summer. I am THRILLED. I can't wait.

I am also getting energy and will be doing projects to keep busy.

We are thinking of taking a trip after the baby is born and placed. We are crazy and fun, right?

Lately I have been thinking about everything. I have been getting prepared emotionally for anything that can come at me. I AM NOT NERVOUS at all. I feel like everything is going to work out and I am at peace. Whatever the future holds, it will work out.

TA TA

Alice

27 weeks one day

GOOD MORNING!!

So, I started watching Juno yesterday. Maybe not a good idea but it brought back all the memories of things I don't like about ignorant people. I don't like it when anyone is ignorant but that is just the thing, we all can't know everything. I can't know about a country that I haven't been to and know that the girl that is standing right in front of me speaks English because guess what her native tongue in her country is ENGLISH. It shocks me.  When I would be with this poor young woman I just wanted to be like, HELLO!! That is how it is now with placement. I want to say HELLO!

SO IGNORANCE. I was reading the families blog about thing you shouldn't say to the adoptive mom. Like on Juno when Juno says to her adoptive mom, be glad it isn't you carrying the baby. I KNOW FOR A FACT I say things like that. I sometimes don't know what to say. It is like talking to someone who is gay or black. I don't know how to not offend someone and I try to be careful but I am not so great at that. I think for the most part if someone if showing the love me and they say something offensive then it doesn't hurt my feelings and sometimes I will correct them because I think how will they know if I don't tell them!

I wish all the world that this could be adoptive mom carrying this baby and magically I wouldn't have to do to the consequence. I think she wants that too. I talk about transferring the baby to her. It just isn't part of how the world turns. She could wear all the tight fitting clothes and have people stare at her belly. Instead it is single me walking around alone and being a prego talking two baths when I am constipated and laying in bed wishing that someone would get me a drink of water or bring me some chap stick. I think it is a little bit not fair.

She did a post about what not to say to a lady in her shoes.

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A SINGLE PREGO LADY

1. Are you pregnant?

If I want you to know I am prego, I will tell you. I talked to my mom about this and we decided I am going to ask them if they are pregnant when they ask me. I love having a plan. Then I will say, if I want you to know I am pregnant I will let you know. Is that rude? Is it rude to ask someone if they are pregnant? OH THE BATTLES> ( those birth dads have no idea GRRRR) Maybe I will say I have a tumor and the doctor says I am going to die soon so I try not to think about it. I DUNNO! THIS WILL BE A TRIAL SOON!

2. What are your plans?

I don't want to tell you. Just worry about yourself, I already have a support system and if I need ya I will call you.

3. Are you going to give your baby away?

IT IS CALLED PLACING!! That use to not be such a big deal because that is what I use to say. NOW I DON'T AND SHOULDN'T EVERYONE BE THE SAME AS ME? I have been telling people I want to educate them because in the adoption world it is very offensive to hear give instead of place and I want them to know for the future.

4. Your pregnant, I know someone who needs a baby.

Believe me, I NEVER KNEW that so many people were adopting till I was pregnant. It is really sad to hear about

5. I am so glad I am not in your position.

Well duh.

6. I am glad I don't have a baby inside of me.

I am not looking for someone to tell me my situation stinks. I already know!

7. The Law of Chasity is a big problem today isn't it?
HMMM, should have told me that a few months ago! That REALLY TICKS ME OFF.

8. Are your parents LDS? Have you always been active?
EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES! I have done everything right... so far in my life. I am a sinner buddy, just like you! It doesn't make sense to me just like it doesn't make sense to you.

That is all I have so far.

I am sure there will be more soon.

27 weeks today!!

544 views

13 weeks left. I am amazed. I was hoping to wear all my same clothes till may And it just appears that won't be happening. On my list today is pack up my old clothes. I won't be wearing them and they tempt me.

I bought some dresses at Boehme in February and have been happy with those but now I am getting a belly on me. Or the uterous and baby are growing because my belly isn't chubby. Thank goodness. We are in the bath. My snuggle buddy and I that is. Big poo rocks. He loves the bath. Always has.

Well I also bought 3 dresses at the d.I. and haven't washed them yet. I need to.

I am starting hobbies this week because my hiding starts today. i just don't like talking to people about it all still. I like to be the one who chooses to tell people when I am prego. Not the other way around.

I started the blog to talk about the babies family. Whenever I date anyone my mom says write down what you like about him because when you marry them, you'll forget. I just don't wan to forget these things. It isn't because I think I am going to hate them when they have the baby but I think it will be hard to remember things when I see them do things that aren't perfect.

My friend let me borrow her journals and I read months and months of her pregnancy and then one week of her placement. I want to remember everything.

The c FAM

1. I like that they have a daughter
2. I like that they aren't from Utah
3. I like that she blogs
4. I like that we talk about everything and that makes neither of us crazy
5. I like how they are big on health and residing about health
6. I like that she wears non tight fitting clothes and is very modest
7. I like that they have a fun and healthy relationship (as far as I see and they tell me)
8. I like being with them
9. I like that the spirit chose them
10. I like that they are good with their money
11. I like that they are getting their degrees.
12. I like that they accept me
13. I like that they are funny and we have similar humour
14. I like that they are wanting the best for baby
15. I like that they are attractive and take care of themselves
16. I love their daughter and her spicy personality
 17. I like that she read and reads
18. I like that they say prayers and read scriptures
19. I like that when daughter acts up she goes out and takes a breather and she's well well behaved for a two year old.
20. I like how organized and clean their house is
21. I like how skilled they are
22. I like that they bought a new safe car for the FAM.
23. I like that she is going to breast feed
24. I like that they respect me as I do them
25. I like how they laugh a lot
26. I like that they matched when we met
27. I appreciate their love of movies
28. I appreciate their desire to love baby before he's born
29. I appreciate that they aren't cray cray when I am not 100% perfect on anything.
30. I love their love of life.

My cousins just sent me a text and invited .e over. I miss them. I haven't seen the. Since Friday.

Well my loves

Alice

not strong

543 views

Okay.

Something is changing in me. I am not doing well.  I am not strong and I am very sad. God tells us to not break the law of chasiity and what do I do. I break it. I do it one time and bam. It is broke. I am now the woman who is waiting to be stoned. I never realized how willing she was to be pulled in. Like, why didn't she run away. Have you ever wondered? Why didn't she deny it? She feels horrible. She feels like , please stone me. At least that's how I feel today. I am waiting for someone to cast the first stone and just kill me. I mean really, how did I break the commandment that God warned me about my whole life.

I feel so awful. Being LDS is so great and I am grateful for the Holy Ghost. With lots of gifts, responsibility comes. I think back to October and all the warnings I got. I knew I should say no no no no.

Instead I thought and said yes.

Now I am prego.

I have sinned.

I am the woman at the feet of the Savior and he is asking... well guess what. I have no stones to cast.

I am roughly 6 months prego.

I have never felt so alone in my life.

I feel like I should be locked up. That nobody should be my friend. That I don't deserve the love God has given me. I have betrayed him. I have taken His warnings and betrayed him. .

I am the woman that is being pulled to the masters feet. I am she.

Is the master there. He tells me go and sin no more. I haven't skinned anymore but I feel awful still.

I just want to lay on my couch and sulk in misery and never leave. I want to go drive away and never return. I don't want to let anyone love me because I don't deserve to be loved. I want to just be sad and not think about my blessings. I want to forget the good I have ever done.

Instead I think of the family who is rallying on me..I think of the baby who has not done wrong and is perfect and healthy. I think of the babies dad who did this with me and wonder if he feels like this. I think of my friends I have made and their stories and seeing them in the church . They are accepted just the same as they have repented!!

I think how I don't want men to touch me and how I won't ever do anything that will be close to the law of chastity breaking.

I think of how I am going to stay close to the Lord and how I have stayed close.

I think of my apathy I have..not just for me and my situation but millions of people that do t feel like they should not be loved. I think how years of being in the gray was always not white. That doing things I did lead me here. I think how I owe myself a break. That when I think I am alone I am not. The Lord is carrying me in the sand.

I think how my heart has changed. I think how much better I am. I think.

I can feel the Spirit in me again.

I will continue to be strong and I will make it.

24 weeks and 4 days

24. oh my how did this happen?

Health- On Sunday I went to church and crossed my legs. Maybe tighter then usual....


I just saw this draft. One line. Well. I went to church and crossed my legs and it knocked my hips out of place.

I am now being VERY careful and sleeping with a pillow between my legs and taking all precautions.

Small update but a part of it all.

26 weeks and 4 days and being MIA

HELLO 530 views. I wonder if that is accurate.. just doesn't seem possible.

Sometimes I forget I am not invincible and I let down my shield of bravery and independence and I feel things. My parents and my sister and her adorable twins came and stayed with me. It spoiled me. I had someone around me and I got to love them and be so happy. I wasn't quite so glued to my phone or even staying up on my spiritual readings because it is so much harder to do when your family comes and you can talk to them or read about people from millions of years ago. Obviously I want to talk to them then fall asleep reading about million year old people. Last night I got caught up though so that is good. I had missed feeding my soul and feeling it love me back.

Baby- I had an appointment two Fridays ago. It went really good. The c family came up and we got to spend time together for a bit then go to DR, pee in a cup and then hear babies quick little heart beat. I think I finally proved I have a baby for them. I was feeling like a real woman about then. Like, look I didn't lie. It is so sweet to have them there and my wonderful cousin. Everyone needs a she daddy like my cousin.

Baby is so so fun to feel the baby boy. I love that the C family mama was able to feel him a couple weeks ago when I was visiting. it is just so fun to turn on a movie and put my hand on my tummy and feel him kick. He likes to kick really big from 4-5 and at night from 10-11. It is a joy of being the birth mama.


Me-I had a breast ultrasound for a lump that in forming on my left lower side of my breast. If the nipple is the center of the clock it would be in between 1 and 2. That was nerve wrecking the day of the ultrasound and my parents fasted for me which helped my nerves but everything came out normal. I even got to see the milk ducks that are forming. It was kinda nice and the DR didn't have to see my whole body or nipple or anything so that was nice. He did ask something funny, have you ever been told your breasts are lumpy? Ummm no and he asked something else before that was funny too, like have you had children? I forgot to tell him I was prego.

other little things
I am starting to show, my bra size has increased to
I am mourning the loss of my virginity
I have horrible acid and heart burn
I am getting uncomfortable. Moving isn't quite as easy as it use to me.
I am excited to eat raw fish again.
I wake up at night and can't sleep and usually baby wakes up with me so we shower
I love having a constant cuddle buddy
I love that I can't eat very much and I HAVE to get my nutrients
He loves spiritual stuff. He is most awake when I am at church or a fireside or meeting or class that I feel the spirit. HE LOVE IT  I am assuming because he feels it and loves it. He will be a riot to take to church.
This is sacred not secret.
From God's arms to my arms to yours is constantly going in my head
I have been getting attached and understand now how much more placement is going to be hard and it will be something that stays with me for the rest of my life
This is a test of my charity.
I feel so close to God bringing a miracle into the world


I needed an emotional break from the blog. I just needed to breath and think and now I am back on track again. I keep thinking next week I will be closer and next week I will be closer.