not strong

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Okay.

Something is changing in me. I am not doing well.  I am not strong and I am very sad. God tells us to not break the law of chasiity and what do I do. I break it. I do it one time and bam. It is broke. I am now the woman who is waiting to be stoned. I never realized how willing she was to be pulled in. Like, why didn't she run away. Have you ever wondered? Why didn't she deny it? She feels horrible. She feels like , please stone me. At least that's how I feel today. I am waiting for someone to cast the first stone and just kill me. I mean really, how did I break the commandment that God warned me about my whole life.

I feel so awful. Being LDS is so great and I am grateful for the Holy Ghost. With lots of gifts, responsibility comes. I think back to October and all the warnings I got. I knew I should say no no no no.

Instead I thought and said yes.

Now I am prego.

I have sinned.

I am the woman at the feet of the Savior and he is asking... well guess what. I have no stones to cast.

I am roughly 6 months prego.

I have never felt so alone in my life.

I feel like I should be locked up. That nobody should be my friend. That I don't deserve the love God has given me. I have betrayed him. I have taken His warnings and betrayed him. .

I am the woman that is being pulled to the masters feet. I am she.

Is the master there. He tells me go and sin no more. I haven't skinned anymore but I feel awful still.

I just want to lay on my couch and sulk in misery and never leave. I want to go drive away and never return. I don't want to let anyone love me because I don't deserve to be loved. I want to just be sad and not think about my blessings. I want to forget the good I have ever done.

Instead I think of the family who is rallying on me..I think of the baby who has not done wrong and is perfect and healthy. I think of the babies dad who did this with me and wonder if he feels like this. I think of my friends I have made and their stories and seeing them in the church . They are accepted just the same as they have repented!!

I think how I don't want men to touch me and how I won't ever do anything that will be close to the law of chastity breaking.

I think of how I am going to stay close to the Lord and how I have stayed close.

I think of my apathy I have..not just for me and my situation but millions of people that do t feel like they should not be loved. I think how years of being in the gray was always not white. That doing things I did lead me here. I think how I owe myself a break. That when I think I am alone I am not. The Lord is carrying me in the sand.

I think how my heart has changed. I think how much better I am. I think.

I can feel the Spirit in me again.

I will continue to be strong and I will make it.