Wednesday, February 27, 2013

forget me not

365 views. MY oh MY! I would laugh so hard if one person was just continuing to come back to the page just to make the views higher. LOL That would kill me. I just gave my blog to two of my best friends so maybe they are the ones racking up the views? Either way, WELCOME!


Things I don't want to forget:

1. Baby boy pop rocks. WHAT A NAME!? He likes to move at 12 AM, 3 PM and whenever I take a bath. I don't know if he hates the bath or loves it but I assume he loves it because I love it. When I was at a church class last night he moved around like he was on a jungle gym or as if he was spinning like he was in the dryer.

2. He is a boy. I am so amazed that I have a boy in my tummy. Seriously, how is another sex inside of me.

3. I want the family to love the baby before he is born. My friend was telling me about when she adopted and how with her first she didn't have the opportunity to be able to connect with the birth mom so when the baby came, it was harder for her to connect. With her second mom she was there for the dr appointments, (dang the roads) she was there for most things and was a she daddy. She said because she loved birth mom 2 so much connecting with baby 2 was really easy. My c family is doing so well at doing "their job" they keep in contact with me and as the post yesterday, the feelings are mutual. ;) We both like to text another. Although I text my best friend waayyyy more. We have known another for 6 years so that makes a difference and she doesn't have a husband or a class or 2 year old. I am happy with the amount of texting, emailing we do. As always off the subject a tiny bit. The family went shopping for baby boy on Saturday. Isn't that sweet. Good job family!

4. Baby boy doesn't like sweets. I eat them and I want to die. Either baby doesn't like them or pregnant body doesn't. Also milk makes me want to die.

5. I lost twenty pounds from November to December and have kept off the weight. My tummy is shrinking. I can't eat very much in one sitting. I can't eat dairy or I am so sick I have to lay down for 3 hours and the sight of milk products make me want to die.

6. I am going to appreciate my husband when I am a prego again. I also was talking to bestie last night while I was doing my nails and although I AM happy right now. I am going to be so THANKFUL to have a husband on the next time. Baby boy is super nice to have with me ALL the time. But these vivid dreams I have scare me and I wish I had a husband to touch next to me when I got so scared my heart is going to beat out of my chest, (that is the first time that has ever happened) I had to really calm myself down and just relax and breath. Currently I just have my two pillows on the side of me and I wish they were a husband but (baby is moving) I just really want to remember that I am thankful for my husband. When I had my guy friend here he was so good to me and although he would never admit it he was a pseudo husband. Maybe that is why I fell madly in love, he would take me on walks even when I wanted to die or bring over the Katy Perry movie on Thanksgiving and make me laugh and almost cry, he would recognize in walmart when I thought I might throw up from all the smells in the grocery store just by a glance of my face. Now he is gone and I go with my friends shopping. I love my girl friends because of so many reasons too. Like when we walked to the grocery store on Saturday on the way back recent bestie said I will carry that, your pregnant (baby is moving) and she says that with everything. I guess some people (baby moved) think that prideful way but I am MORE then happy to let someone help me because I would want to do the same for them and I would hope we would all treat a prego like this. Last night bestie almost sacrificed herself in the snow so I wouldn't slip. I have slipped and fell 3 times already. It is a miracle baby is healthy. After I slip I wait to see if I bleed.... it is like waiting for your period to start as a 12- 14 year old I started January of my 8th grade year and I was DEVASTATED. It really is scary though to think that all this time I have been sick and gone through SO many emotions and picked a family just to loose the baby that we all love so much. Ya so I want a husband that will hold my arm and carry the groceries in so we can protect the baby. I want a husband to sleep next to, when I am scared. I hope he doesn't hog the bed. I want a husband who I can love.

7. Seven means complete, I like doing lists of 7. (baby moved) so I want to remember how hard it has been. How hard it is when I had to force myself to eat something, drink something, wake up to come to work, get up and smile, throw up on a time schedule, go grocery sopping. How hard it was when people weren't supportive and how hard it is when I feel so alone on a night alone and nobody answers their phones or texts and I lay in bed a little bit sad. I don't cry because it just doesn't seem logical. Or how this morning I coughed and almost threw up so I had to lay down and breath and breath and breath till my tummy wasn't upset. I want to remember the sacrifice that I made for this baby to come to earth and grow a body, in my tummy. It really is fun now that I am not a sicky and that I know he is a boy and I feel him move when I am slightly upset.

Once again, I am sure there are mistakes. I can't seem to read them over because they get longer and they get more descriptive or sometimes I take out stuff.

So here you go RAW.

Alice

Monday, February 25, 2013

21 weeks

350 page views, always stunning to me.

Physically- I am feeling like a sicky at night again. I don't know what that is about but baby boy and I have taken a few baths so we can relax and sleep through the night and he loves the baths. He moves around all over in the tummy, maybe he hates them? I dunno. I feel like a crazy person. I love saying oh, baby pop rocks loves grape tomatoes or he hates cookies because he really does, they make me SO SICK! I can't eat any sugar or I feel like i am going to die.

Emotionally- After finding out HE is A HE it is making things come home more and be excited for the family and for the future. I can't seem to stop playing this song. I thought for sure it would make me cry but it has always reminded me of my brother and when he left for a service mission I would listen to it and get the feeling I would cry. (baby boy is moving around as I type all this) I just can't help but think of placing my baby brother. It is so many emotions but I am glad that Jesus placed my brother into my family and I get to place baby boy into this family.

After I found out he was a he my friend brought me a picture of Jesus with a baby. I can't find the exact one but she said, all of us are Jesus's, this baby isn't your baby it isn't anybody's but Jesus's. I don't know if those are her exact words but that is very comforting. I found this picture and I love it. Sometimes it is hard to think that the little boy is going to be with a family and he will call them mom and dad. I think it is a little thing to carry him in my belly but it still is something that is connecting me to him. I STILL want the family to have little boy I am just expressing how I feel. I am trying to FEEL EVERYTHING and plan for everything so nothing throws me by surprise.



The family went and got clothes and a baby blanket. I LOVE that they are doing their job. Their job is to get connected with baby before he comes. When she asked if I wanted to see the clothes I had to think, am I ready for this? YES I AM. I need to know that they are so thrilled and they want this boy to reassure me and comfort me that they are to be the parents of the boy.

Okay, I also have to say I AM SO HAPPY!! I don't know if it is people praying for me or if my spirit is just healing more or if with all the negative experience so far I am doing well... I don't know what it is but I am happy.

I do see a lot of things that remind me of placing the baby. Like Safe Haven. If you haven't seen the movie or read the book you won't understand and this will kinda ruin it for you so don't read it but I just think when a mom dies and her husband remarries it is kinda similar to how I feel. I WANT the baby to have a mom. In the movie the mom dies and she writes letters to her kids on important days. I know i am not dying but I think I am going to write letters for baby pop rocks. I love writing as we know and just in case I place the baby never to see him again then at least I will have tried to write the letters for him. I can't expect that that will happen but just in case.

SO someone is reading all of this. I don't know who and I hope you love it. I really wish I knew what was REALLY going through the families minds. Do they think, "hopefully alice is eating right..(which for the most part I am. I am eating a grapefruit and corn nuts today it is taking me about an hour to eat these and the corn nuts are bad on my teeth not babies. I usually suck them to death too) Are they thinking I hope Alice is wearing pants that are loose on her belly so she doesn't make baby look deformed like a hobbit or the hunch back. Do they think, Alice is such a terror, all she does is email us and text us all day and tell us about her problems, I can't wait till she can move on and stop telling us, baby is moving. I do think, why can't I transfer baby into her belly? I made the choice now, can I move him over now?

How do sperm and egg donors do it? The money? They are CRAY CRAY!

I wonder if the family ever thinks, this Alice blog is nutso! I also wonder if they think I LOVE ALICE BLOG. I LOVE it. After I write in it, I feel like I am freed from the last storm, that I can move on in safety.

Okay I have listened to this song about 5 times since I started the blog. I really hope baby boy will know that I thought of him and my brother every time I heard it.

Okay one last thought. The baby is going to have blue eyes. I have blue eyes and birth father has blue eyes. We know one thing. In the ultrasound we saw his ear. Can't tell who's ear that is. It sure did look nice though. I hope he doesn't get any ear infections. This is the best part about placing. GOOD LUCK BABY MAMA! It is like I am a grandma at 27. I can't wait to be a grandma. Yesterday at church this lady said if we would have known having grand kids were so great we would have skipped having kids. I am so lucky I get to be a grandma at 27 and baby mama gets to go get the shots with baby boy and wake up when he is hungry for 6 months and when he is 4 and eats to much chocolate because he snuck behind his parents back and ate the whole bag and he wakes up and throws it up everywhere baby ma ma and her husband are going to be washing the sheets and cleaning up after him. I do want kids someday but baby boy I want a husband to call when you are throwing up and shaking. I want a husband to bless you with the power from God. I want a husband that will hold both of our hands when we drive you to the hospital and I know you want a dad who will tell you, son everything will be okay. SO that paragraph is positive and negative.... or it is all in how you look at it. It is all positive!!

Last night I skyped with the family for the first time. They are the best. I have nothing negative to say about them. Little boy, you are going to be so happy with them. Your sister is going to love you just like I LOVED my little brother. I keep thinking I am your older sister in the situation. I feel like I relate to her so much. I also feel like I relate to being your Aunt or your Grandma and I have never been a grandma. I have been an Aunt. I have been a day camp leader and loved all my "kids". You are always loved by me. ALWAYS! I want you to always love your parents and love your sister and love your cousins and never think what it would have been like to live with me. We would have been fine I suppose but I just think your going to be MUCH happier with your family. The C family. I know your last name. HA HA I haven't ever thought that before.

Okay, longest post in the world. I should reread it for mistakes. Sorry I can't. Enjoy the mistakes, that is part of who I am. Someday I will be perfect, not this life, in the future. Someday God will hug me and He will tell me, I so loved the world that I gave my only begotten Son. Thanks Heavenly Father, I am so glad You gave Your Son so I can feel my heart heal and I can repent of my sin. PS the baby isn't the sin, he is the miracle or something. As we can read babies aren't sinful, they are gifts. So maybe baby pop rocks is a gift from God.

Okay, I know i said that was my last thing but I want to write this last thing. My future husband, I love you already and I hope you will love me and that when you find out on our second date that I placed a baby you won't hate me. Future kids, I love you and I know you are cheering me on and I feel your strength. This pregnancy is over the hill but I can already look back at the times Jesus has carried me in the sand. He is my brother and He is my friend. When I feel so alone I get to taste the way you felt. Thanks so much so far. I know You are going to have to carry me more so I thank you for the past, present and future.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/r4-PDKNu71I" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
http://youtu.be/r4-PDKNu71I

Hourglass

http://www.mindygledhill.com/lyrics/hourglass.html

Mindy Gledhill
© 2010 Blue Morph Music (BMI)
Little boy, when you speak
I can’t help but kiss your cheeks
I love the way you grab my hands
And tell me all about your plans
Rocket high, comets fly
You and I could take a ride
And fly away to Neverland
And give our best to Peter Pan
When you reach for the stars
Don’t forget who you are
And please don’t turn around and grow up way too fast
See the sand in my grasp
From the first to the last
Every grain becomes a memory of the past
Oh, life’s an hourglass
Life’s an hourglass
Story’s read, prayer is said
Close your eyes sleepyhead
While angels linger in your dreams
And hold you in their feathered wings
Just like you, I was small
Not that long ago at all
I wish you all the happiness
That God gives freely if you ask
Chorus

Friday, February 22, 2013

It's a ....

BOY!!!

I am in shock that it is a boy. I just thought FOR SURE we would be seeing a girl. I am still happy just in shock and my pride is a little hurt that I didn't know. Bummer for the pride but I am SO HAPPY KNOWING. I was a tiny bit stressed about how I would feel.

This morning at 5 AM when I was awake I was thinking about what it would be like when I am in the hospital and I am having a baby and taking care of the baby when I am the mama for the first days of life. I was thinking about that all morning and kept thinking I hope it is a girl but I did keep thinking it might be a boy. I guess I just need to prepare for a boy now. I am happy that this boy is healthy.

I WAS SO HAPPY during the ultrasound and even now. I wish I would have told more people so I can tell them it is a boy but I have told all the people that I care about and I think care about knowing.

Baby boy or as I call him, baby pop rocks who is blueberry flavored. ;)
I LOVE YOU. You are so sweet and little and healthy! I don't know how anyone couldn't love you and I think I am mama bear already. You dad wants you forever and I never want you to think that I don't. I want you forever too. I just KNOW that you are going to have a great life with these wonderful parents. Your sister is just a doll and she is going to be your bestie. She is already excited for you to come. Your mama is so happy. I am sure I will be able to watch you grow up and your goring to be a great guy. Please be a sweet brother and a handsome gentleman. Those are the only rules from me, the person who has you in their tummy and wakes up with you at 5 AM. You just moved!! It was more of a flutter this time then a constant move. It is because you are so happy you are loved by so many people.

I LOVE YOU.

I don't really know how my cousin's baby is related to you but she is 4 months right now and I got to go to her 20 week appointment. Having the living baby there while I was looking at a baby on a ultrasound was SO WONDERFUL. She was so sweet. My cousin is so good at asking questions and she is the best SHE DADDY ever. I wish there was more I could do for her. I want her to be so happy and successful.

I want everyone to.

Okay I told good friend, he is so happy because "boys are better" haha

Baby I love you.

Family, I am sorry you couldn't come. I am glad we got to be on speaker and EVERYTHING IS HEALTHY! EVERYTHING.

The family already has names picked out. I don't know if I am allowed to share or not and I don't know if they want my influence and in all reality it isn't my choice. It is the name they will be yelling when baby boy hasn't come down for breakfast or the name they will yell when baby boy

Alice.

Ultra sound day

20 posts 314 views

MY POOR FAMILY CAN'T COME! Curse those awful roads. We weren't on storm watch but they don't get to come.

Hello skype!

Thanks cousin for coming and bestie for watching cousins kids.

AHHHH!


Thursday, February 21, 2013

why adoption and the family.

309 page views. 27 yesterday. Feeling so popular and loved. If you aren't feeling loved, I am so sorry. I really do love you. Even if I haven't met you, I really do love you. LIFE IS HARD. I know in my last blog I said I wanted everyone to be as sad as me but I am happy today and I want you to be as happy as me.

Last night I was talking to this mom. She has a unique circumstance. She is an adoptive mom. Her daughter is adopted and she is pregnant. She is 19 and living with her boyfriend. She hasn't decided if she wants to place or parent. I hope she places. I feel so bad, she feels like nobody likes her or talks to her at our meetings for woman who single parent, place, prego, or know anyone who has. We have grandmas who come ect. The 19 year old feels like nobody likes her at group. I think I forget that she is looking for acceptance in anything. She is 19 weeks and she needs a friend as much as I need a friend. Her tummy is really big. Mine is not noticeable AT ALL. I love it and partly feel bad for little baby.

Last night I made a smoothie and my bestie was over. I drank my smoothie and I was like I am sorry I might throw up.  I laid down but I just couldn't keep it in. I threw up everything after 4 huge throws. It wasn't to bad. Throwing up smoothie is the best thing to throw up.

Why adoption?

It took me a while to really decided if I could place the baby. I know I have always wanted to have a baby. I just didn't intend on being single and having a baby. Do I want the baby? Yes, only if I am married and in love. The birth dad and I talked a little in November and he made it really clear he didn't want to get married because we conceived the baby as friends he wanted to raise the babies as friends. I asked him about that for a while and he sent me some houses we could rent in a near by city but it just wasn't for me. It just didn't feel right and although he wasn't happy and we stopped talking after I told him we should consider adoption. It was lovely because he was really stressful before. (is that negative? yesterday we learned we should only speak positively of the birth dads) So adding positive, he wants to take responsibly for his actions which is noble. So, after I told him that in November,  I went in search of a testimony of adoption. I started meeting with Charity and meeting with other girls at group. It was neat to see these girls who had placed. The birth moms that placed were really great. I just love their spirits. They seemed to hold confidence, were secure in their choice and were healed. I just really want this baby to have parents and have a mom and a dad and a sibling. I wanted the baby to have the security and example of love. I was pretty excited to start looking for a family although I didn't really know what I would be looking for...

Okay I did.

Why the c family?

I really wanted a couple that loved another. I wanted a mom that would be someone like me or someone I connect with so I could be comfortable with her raising the baby. I wanted a dad that would respect me and not dominate over the mom. I wanted the family to have a child already so just in case this baby was going to be  the last baby the family were to get, that the baby could have a sibling. I really wanted a child in the home that was about 3 or 4 our younger.

My wonderful cousin knew I wanted a good blogger, someone that took care of themselves, intelligent and someone our personalities connected with.

SO! I emailed 3 families one that cousin found and two that my case worker found.  When this family emailed me back, I FELL IN LOVE with c family mom. She was so personable and didn't hide anything. She just was all out there and I felt like after a few emails I knew I wanted to meet them. I didn't really get to know him or the husband very well but I didn't want a relationship with him I wanted one with her and I felt that it was inappropriate to get to know him really well. I feel good that he would do his 3 p's like, protect, provide and preside. AND HE BETTER! ;) Moms are to nurture and she will  and I love my family. I am getting ahead of the game. Okay so, I met them on a Sunday and I LOVED THEM! I wanted to meet them so I would be able to feel good about my choice of making them MY FAMILY. So, I prayed about it and felt peaceful and that was a great feeling. I knew the Lord wants the baby to be happy and have a great life and I feel good about the family. I am so content that that I can look back on that day and go, I got an answer and whenever I have gotten an answer I have felt good about I have never had a bad experience.

Do I get worried?

Ya, I do sometimes. I want to know everything like what is their parenting style or what will our relationship will be like after baby is born and what will happen if something happens and what are their views about yadda yadda. But truly is that going to change if I choose them? No, never. I love them.

I think they get worried too?
How could they not, what if I keep baby or baby doesn't do well or yadda yadda...

Even with the worries, I still feel like everything will work out, I am peaceful.

TOMORROW WE FIND OUT THE SEX!!!
I still want a baby girl, selfishly because they have a a girl. I was the oldest and I LOVED having my sister. I love my brother but having my sister right next to me in age was lovely. YAY for babies and families.



Wednesday, February 20, 2013

20 weeks. TA DA!!

Good morning 275 views at 9 am and now 289 at 4:00. I hope this is helping someone! Actually it is, me ;)

I still haven't finished the blog for the family.

This weekend I went home to see my parents. In the journey of it all, I found out that my mom has known since December. December when? I don't know. Then to top it off my sister has known the same. My mom doesn't want to come when I have the baby. I was HEART BROKEN when I found this out.

As we know I am a talker and I really rely on talking to someone. I believe in the guardian angels that God sends me to show his love. The good friend got this text.

2:01 PM
She said she thinks telling her is a mistake because my dad can't keep a secret. Sorry I know I said I wouldn't talk to you about this but I really don't have anyone and I am so sad. This so so hard. It's like nobody loves me. Nobody. It is true what you said. Just because I went and got pregnant it doesn't mean anyone will drop  what their doing for me. Nobody.

Then I called my family. I call her baby mama because I am birth mom. wouldn't she be baby mama? This is all behind her back like to my two friends I talk to about her so maybe beside her back lol...  I guess adoptive mom doesn't seem personal enough for me and we all know that I like to keep it personal. Although i guess technically that is what she is. I REALLY rely on her. I cried on the phone and talked to her for a good long time. If she doesn't think I am crazy already then I don't know when she will. ;) Although I kinda like crazy honest people. I LOVE them. The more crazy and honest the better.

This was my next text to my friend hours later. I guess I was still sad.

12:17 am-I just need today to end so I can have a fresh start. I cried hard 3 times today. I just can't do this. I feel like God has abandoned me. I really do. I honestly feel the wrath and i can't take it. Where is my white flag. I GIVE UP. Would you ever date a nonmember (of our faith)? I hung out with my old friend and she is happily married and pregnant with a baby in may. I want her life. Today was the worst day yet. I want a husband but will that ever happen? I just am not seeing it. I am so doubtful  I am mad. Mad I have to go through this alone. I have never felt so alone.  I want a husband so much. I want to serve him for eternity  I want to make him his favorite meal and surprise him in the morning and kiss him. I want to take care of him when he is sick and love him and laugh with him and play jokes with him. Today I am sad and I want everyone else as sad as me. My mom is sad too. She feels alone too. Maybe getting married isn't the answer? I don't have any answers... :(

After I went to bed I felt a ton better.

My best friend is having a baby next month and she said I can come when she does and she is going to come when I birth. My cousin is of course coming because I think I am going to die through this.

I love asking strangers personal questions when I have hard times.

Like when my x boyfriend of two years and I broke up. I would ask people if they ever had their heart broken.

At Walmart yesterday I asked the lady, what is the hardest thing that has ever happened to you.

She said probably giving birth.

AWESOME!

So updates

Birth dad- he hasn't connected me since like a few weeks ago.
Heatlh- I got a UTI last week. That was awful and not fun. I also got a cold and it is very heavy between my legs. I am not very hungry. I don't like to eat.

Everything else is just going perfect so I am having a great life! I hope you all are doing well.

To come, why I choose and and who.

I am going to group now to hang out with the preggers and the birthers.

peace out

Alice

Friday, February 15, 2013

AWWWW


When things are to wonderful, enjoy it. I feel like life has been nothing but hard all from November till February. I think it is amazing that I can have this great family. Tell me, aren't they sweet? Isn't that the cutest thing you ever saw?

On other good news I am going to find out the gender on WEDNESDAY.

What are you hoping for? 

me- I want the family to have a sister, I had a darling sister growing up so I relate to the families daughter. How could I not want her to have  sister? I suppose it is God's choice what she is given. For the dad of the family I hope it is a boy, dads love boys and for the mom, I don't think she would care either way, she is so great and she hasn't told me what she wants. She is just to excited. She also said she doesn't want to get to attached in case I say no. Which my next post will be about. Why I choose adotption and why I chose them. The decisions is made.
Good friend wants it to be a boy.
My best friend that I told in November wants it to be a girl too

My corker just wants to hold the baby when he comes to visit. LOL He is the one who guessed I was prego when I was having a downer day. Oh those who know.


I also am sleeping on my back still but I think the baby doesn't like it. The baby will flutter more then ever and being a back sleeper I just try to be polite and roll onto my side. I am not sleeping like I was especially with this cold but the UTI is doing so good. Oh on that note I better take my meds.

Happy post v day! 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

FEB 14

189 page views dang. I love watching this.

Just wising everyone a wonderful Valentines day!!!!

I love this holiday, my friend and I use to celebrate faithfully. Now we don't live by another and she has a husband and a baby due in May.

XOXO

Alice

Thanks to my family for the adorable email. If it didn't have my real name on it, I would share it. You would love it too.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Please don't stop the music

165 views so far. I took a break from the blog and came back and there is 169! WOW! I am amazed. I like that there aren't any comments. I have a second blog and it sure does help to know that I am loved on that one with some comments but on here there isn't anyone spouting out their opinions at me. I just assume the worst a lot. For example I would get the haters. I think we all acknowledge mistakes. Getting pregnant before marriage was a mistake.

For anyone out there who doesn't have someone to be there for you, like a husband or boyfriend. I don't know why male support is so nice... my guy friend moved and that is rough. I don't think they understand just how nice they are. I think girls are really empthatic but guys don't go through any of it and them seeing you go through it is such a fun thing. Like telling my best friend who are girls, they have done it or will so it is always in relation to them and I don't want them to hug me or hold my hand, I want a husband. Is that so wrong. I was telling my family about and she was like, I wish I could get you an insta husband. I would like that too. Someone nice. Just having someone to be there to tell me that it will work out and they will be there the whole way. I would still go through placement with a husband because it ain't going to be John. No thanks ;)

TODAY- I had something in my throat last night and I was thinking, if I cough I am going to throw up. This morning I didn't eat or drink anything and I was on the phone with my mom. She is cleaning her oven this morning and she was telling me all about her newest secret, baking soda and vinegar. I guess I better start using that stuff. I would like to drink it, if it would clear this start of a cold... JK. So there I was on the phone with my mom who doesn't know about me being prego and I am coughing and puking into the toilet and as I would puke or dry heave I would push mute then she would say something, I would comment on what she was saying. Dry heave again and after about 6 good dry heaves of spit and a little bit of strawberry kiwi vitamin c I finally was done. Then I laid naked on the floor because I had just gotten out of the shower and calmed down and then hurried and got ready. BLAH!

Oh being a prego is a hard life.I have said this before. NOBODY really tells you how hard it is. Or somehow we don't comprehend it. I have had cousins go in to the hospital when they are pregnant because they can't keep anything down. It really is hard to keep anything down and the 24/7 "morning sickness" whoever came up with the "morning sickness" was not someone who has NAUSEA ALL THE TIME. The sympathy must be a big thing for me because I LOVE it when my cousin tells me she is sorry and she can relate. I saw her pregnant and not feeling good. This is hard stuff making a human!!

Emotions-
When I met the family it was so nice, I don' think I have written about that on here. I will make that a more special post.... this one isn't a happy, it is all feelings about being sick and not having a man. lol which I WANT to remember and they are real feelings, just not on this post... if ya know what I mean.

SO i am still not showing. 19 weeks and 2 days. On Monday I will be 20. HALF WAY!!?!?!?!?

I emailed my caseworker and asked her for more details about the hospital and placement. It is nice because she has adopted and it is good to hear her side.  We are going to talk soon. Which is nice.

Who i have told so far.
1. I told guy friend (peed on a stick. LoVe HiM!)
2. John- baby daddy or as I also have heard sperm donor.
3. best friend in the area
4. cousin and she told with permission her husband. (such a support, she is like my mom through this because I haven't told my mom)
5. Coworker who could tell I was going through a hard time and guess it. No idea how he just KNEW!
6. Coworker
7. Church leader ( he told my coworker WITHOUT permission which wasn't to fun and made me mad and non trusting then didn't tell me till 2 weeks later he told her. AWESOME!)
8. Adoption place so two woman there ( they were so empathetic which I needed at that point)
9. All the girls at group (one girl told her roommates that made me mad and not trusting)
10. Caseworker- (she is great) and the family who said no... :(
That sums up November and December too, I had to think about stuff
11. most of my coworkers, someone not feeling good is a shocker.
12. My eyelash lady
That sums up January
13. I told my friend who is a girl
14. told the rest of my coworkers
14. met the family and told them
15. told of course their caseworker who is an old friend
16. the other case worker...
17. my other guy friend

John told
His friends in November
My best friend in December and didn't find that out till Feb.
He told his mom and she contacted me in January, talked to her and that was good

Can I just tell you Pitch Perfect is the BEST and I am listening to the music, it is awesome.

I am trying to think if I forgot anything.

Threw up today... last time was Thursday. YAY!

Thinking of telling the parents.... hmmmm

Oh and my bladder is always shrinking? Normal? I will ask the cousin.

Thanks for reading and I hope in some way I am helping you out. If not, stop reading, I am sure this can't be that good ;)

I ALSO want to add my progression
November- I felt like people should shun me
December- I was getting more comfortable with the idea and still felt a little lonely but could feel God in my heart trying to help me and me being so hard on myself
January- NUMB, family said no and feeling like I am not going to be able to do this
February- Thiking about the future, have an awesome connection with adoptive mom and then meeting the family and now feeling, WHAT is NEXT?

I guess the following months will tell us
MARCH
APRIL
MAY
JUNE
JULY

OKAY- one rant. I think birth moms need some insight to what EXACTLY we need to go over and what happens. Like a road map? Like a class? Can I please get my road map? For all case workers, please get me one.



XOXO
Alice


Just published and I am up to 172 views!! That is insane!






Friday, February 8, 2013

when does it end

Health update.

Yesterday I went home for my lunch as any other day. I have been feeling so good. I have taken the meds off and on and it has been affecting my sleep schedule. Who knew when I would be taking sleeping pills basically every 6 hours that I would not be able to sleep. BAHHH. So I just have been waking up a lot, trying to get my 8 hours. I mostly just lay in my bed from 10-12 and then fall asleep around 11:45. I wake up a lot in the night and just lay there for an hour or two too. It is not fun, not at all. So I have been averaging about 6-7 hours of sleep at night when in my first tri I slept about 10-12 hours at night. The last time I did that was January. Those were the days. Wake up rested.


OKAY so yesterday I went for my lunch and warmed up a piece of pizza. Ate the pizza, was thinking I want round two. Went to warm up the pizza got a woof of something and then I felt that cringe in my stomach that I was going to loose it. I went into the bathroom threw everything up. It took about ten really good throws ups to get rid of everything. I laid down on the bathroom floor and waited till I could sit up again and then went and ate my second piece of pizza I just warmed up, drank some carbonation and felt tons better, or at least didn't throw up.

Mind you I am on week 18 and will be week 19 on Monday. I mean come on pals. It is Friday and I have been feeling so constipated and have been. Usually I am REALLY regular. So far I have been chugging tea and sleeping with a heat pad on my tummy every night. It really helps me to sleep. I went to the bathroom for the first time in like 3 days. My tummy is still killing me. SO TMI but oh well that is the beauty of blaming everything on Alice.

I have to say one more thing, the family. I don't have good code name for them. My favorites are hard to give code names too. Like guy friend, he doesn't have a code name, nothing fits as well as his name and I don't want to use his name because then I will be tempted to use all his nick names, which are so sweet and tender.

The family wants to use Alice as a middle name or first name... so sweet and fitting because lets be honest Miss baby has been the reason for the blog.

It really feels like a miracle GROWING A HUMAN! It has been a lot easier to deal with everything now that I have a family I like again. Thanks family.

OH and remember when the family said they would get an IUD so I wouldn't have to worry about her getting pregnant. I wish I could do something that nice. IT IS SO NICE!! I can't tell you how nice that is. Words don't describe, it's like they are singing carols on my door, giving me my favorite treats, blowing me kisses as I am sitting in a hot tub with a smoothie... (i love those things) IT IS SO FEEL GOOD. It is like spirit to spirit feel good.

I guess constipation is a thing of the days.

I just drank my strawberry, peach, cranapple juice smoothie and loved it. I would have made you one if you were here.

I think there are mis spells and blahhh but this isn't that interesting to write about.

I will say last night good friend was there for me at ONE AM! I was sick not feeling good and he sent me a picture so I called him and he talked and then I fell asleep and that was a nice treat. I am such a forgiver. Who knew?

Played 5 times while writing the blog. I love repeating songs. A LOT!!
I love Pink and Fun.
http://youtu.be/OpQFFLBMEPI


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

time will tell

It is emails like these that make my heart feel big again and feel like I can finish out the week!

"I know this is like my 5th email to you today but I just read your blog post and HAD to write to you :( I'm so sad for you and wish I could come there right now and give you a hug! Please know that we love you and want to be here for you. When I say that right now I worry that you might think I only say that because you're still considering us and haven't officially picked us yet, but really really really we love and want to be here for you. Earlier today I was talking to (HUSBAND) and telling him how I'm worried about you thinking we'll just disappear if you decide not to have us as baby's family. I want you to know that even if you decide to find another family we're still here for you if you need/want us :) Granted, of course I hope there doesn't end up being a need for you to find another family :)

I'm so sorry (JOHN) has been so awful. It really makes me feel queasy. I wish he was at least nicer to you or at least less...bleh. Everything will be okay. Everything will be good."

She wrote me exactly what I needed to hear. How can I not love them and think this is meant to be?

I remember when I "broke up with" my other family and when they told me no because of whatever reasons. I just was so hurt by it and it just STUNG my heart. I cried for the first time and I haven't cried since. I almost cried 2 weeks ago when I was leaving my guy friend but it seems like that was a waste I mean quote. he said this to me... 

"Alice, everyone just can't drop everything they are doing just because you got pregnant" AND "I am not your baby daddy or your boyfriend"

Well it stinks to be you guy friend who I once loved because that has really pinched my heart and it is good to know how he feels about everything. It still makes me a little bit sad but I am also happy that I have my family I LOVE. I can't tell you how much I feel an instant change. Later in the email she said I can email anytime. I just really like to express myself in email. Like we all know because I have been really typing a lot on my blog ever since. 

What I said to the guy friend only a friend, not a boyfriend or a baby daddy grrr is I just love the connection we have and I know that you know how I feel about everything. Nobody knows how sometimes if just is stinking when  someone doesn't CLICK with what you are feeling.

I am happy and my heart feels warm. 

I just know I am not alone. God loves me although he isn't a human in the flesh I know the Spirit tells me. 

Cheers to being happy!!!!

Valentines this year.. BOO! 

The guy friend kept saying things like "Alice you need to focus on the baby, not love"

Well, this is VERY HARD to go through MR guy and the next time you need someone I hope nobody comes because just because you had yadda yadda happen doesn't mean everyone can drop what they are doing for you.

Okay, I don't mean that. I don't want anyone as sad and alone as I felt Sunday night. 

XOXOOXOXOXO


What's funny is the guy friend isn't my boyfriend or my baby daddy but he makes me more sad then any of my other friends and defiantly more sad then the baby daddy. The baby daddy makes me temporarily angry. It has been 3 days and I am trying to get over the whole friend thing. 

Grrrr.

I really am doing well. I curled my hair today and I am ready for life!

Okay, I just texted him.

Alice- Miss you already
Him- miss you already too
Alice- lol ohhhhh why do the things you say sting so hard. I cant help but keep repeating those things in my head and heart
Him- ohh Alice! I didn't mean to be rude or hurt you. Sorry
Alice- ..... I know



Well readers, all 99 of you. I have no idea who all of you are, thanks for reading. I hope you will forever be kind to the girl who gets prego and realize she doesn't want to be a burden, just be validated and have some empathy. I you can't give it to her. Send her to me. I am learning from the best. 


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

I must say, somethings in life aren't easy.

John is SO SO SO annoying and hard to work with. Back in November I told him I wanted to be the one to tell my best friend (I have a lot of best friends) and the past week I have been thinking about how I feel like she knows. Well her husband and John were roommates at college and played football together. What do you know I asked him this.

I do have a question for you. Did you tell Best friends husband or best friend? ( I am not going to substitute their names.)

He responded
I'll overlook the fact that you didn't answer my question on when I can know the sex of the baby and that you did not acknowledge my request to see an ultrasound photo of my own child. But yes, I have talked to best friends husband and he told his wife because he thought I was joking at first.

First, Johnny boy have you thought maybe you should Google that?

For all of those who don't know, it is at 20 weeks.

Today I am 18 weeks and one day. WAHOO.

It was actually a great experience talking to my bestie about things and even though I felt like John went behind my back and did that after he said he would let me tell them. I am feeling better about things and we talked for about 3 hours and it felt like 30 minutes. What a relief. She might be coming with me to meet the family.

WHY DO I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE?
So the families caseworker is a girl I met when I was 15, I think I was 15... I dunno at a church camp.

She wrote me the nicest email saying she wouldn't judge me or tell a soul. I don't see her as the judging type but it is comforting that she isn't going to tell anyone. I am happy I know her but it is just one more thing for me.

I DO like that though because the family I have been talking to has been financially and emotionally scammed by girls. Girls, that is making all of us have a bad name.

HARD THINGS STINK!!

I just got off the with my guy friend who took the prego test, he just told me that I need to realize that everyone can't be willing to talk just at anytime and I am going to have to realize that other people have lives.

HE MAKES ME SO MAD. I am not telling him anything anymore. He said this too, I am not your boyfriend and I am not the baby daddy so i can't deal with things all the time. I am so sad. So sad. It is like I am loosing him over this.

Overall I have been a tad bit emotional. I just don't know where to turn. I really do know that everyone has busy lives. It is just sad to go through this alone.

I can't even explain how alone I feel....it will work out and as the song that is on my pandora right now

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

Thanks Kelly Clarkson

Sunday, February 3, 2013

is life a box of chocolates?

I have been pondering that question for years. Ever since I watched the movie it is quoted in. Forrest Gump. I have thought and thought about it and I completely agree, life is a box of chocolates. I would have no idea that little ol me would one day have broken the law of chastity and be pregnant with a baby but that is the chocolate I have chosen and I reap the consequences. 

I have always thought that I would be willing to have a baby for someone I just never thought that would mean being with a birth dad that is a little hard to deal with and worrying for months that he is going to get in the way of the placement and then him end up ignoring me for the better part of the first 4 months. He sure is a wild one and he has really had some unique chocolates he has chosen in his box and he is kinda mean. Good thing I don't have that emotional connection with him. 

I remember in high school we were learning about a couple that couldn't have kids then the daughters mom or the grandma got a test tube baby of the couple and she ended up having twins and then the parents raised them. I just LOVED THAT. I always thought if I knew someone couldn't have a baby, like my sister or something I would want to do that for them. 

 I was talking to the new couple that I love and adore and a little background. She is a huge blogger and shares personal stories and how she wants to adopt. I wonder how people find her.. hmm anyhow I doubt in anyway she thought that putting out all that personal information she would be yes, helping millions but there are also people who are anti adoption. Well, that is just bizarre for me. I still can't seem to wrap my mind around it. They would hunt people down who are already having a tough chocolate from the box and then try to ruin it for them. I mean COME ON PEOPLE. I would really like to talk to them. As a birth mom, you have NO idea what it is like for me, being someone who was raised with two wonderful parents and find myself in a situation that I can't give everything to the child and be an example of how God intended our lives to be. I am sure for the antis something was really hard for whatever reason they ended up in that situation (look at Cinderella, she has all the reason in the world to be mad, it is her choice to see the beauty in life) but how about people (wow, I am on a rant, no stopping me) I just wish they could find the time to heal, I would be willing to listen and help set goals so they, could be happy for me and happy for the baby that is going to be placed with two parents who love the baby and the entire family loves another. 

I was talking to my good friends mom about why I want to place ect. I just KNOW KNOW KNOW that this is what is intended for the baby. I have a full time job, I have life experience, I have a savings, I don't live pay check to pay check. I could take care of the this baby. Is that what is intended for the baby, no. I can honestly tell you that is not the intention. 

From the day I was young I said if I ever had a baby out of wedlock I wold place or marry the man. This man doesn't want to marry and he says I am way to nice to be his type. (what a compliment, right) So for me yes I did flatter his idea of raising the baby as friends but in reality that isn't what stuck with me. 

This piece of chocolate is just starting to get sweet. With each email that I write to the new couple I feel so much more love in my heart. Since week 16 I have been physically starting to feel like a rock star comparative to throwing up 14 times in a row 3 times a day or not eating for a whole day and getting super sick with anything I ate or when I was so thirsty I felt like I looked like my lips were falling off they were so dry or waking up with bleeding lips. Lets just say, feeling good is a miracle and oh so sweet.

I have had many good chocolates in my life and many chocolates that have been a little longer of a wait to feel that sweetness. 

I just know that we still must have hope. That we don't stop eating chocolate because one of them has been a bad one. We must keep going, keep moving, keep helping, keep on keeping on ;)

How are those chocolates today?


from my heart, 

Alice




Saturday, February 2, 2013

1000 dollars

I like to joke but really I think of the different people who have had an influence on me and why I am pregnant. I have done nothing but try to live a life that I can find a man that I love and will love me till the end.

I have this joke that people who led me to this situation owe me 1000 dollars and that I am going to write some letters to these people. Somehow the 1000 dollars would compensate for this heart ache. Mostly it is just funny to think if I really would write these letters and ask them to send a check in the mail.

Dear x boyfriend who dated me 2 years and then bought me a ring and didn't ask me to marry you,

You owe me 1000 dollars.

Dear guy who doesn't want to date and only be friends yet will come over everyday and confess your love a little then I confess mine alot then you say you feel like I am cornering you and then we are just friends then you tell your family I am prego and then invite me out to spend a weekend with you

You owe me 1000 dollars

Dear friend that is single and must have doomed us both to being single,

You owe me a 1000 dollars

Dear birth dad who stayed up so late with me then asked if he could take my first time away when you had done that a million times and then you are a jerk and super hard to connect with and doesn't want to place the baby for adoption. 

You owe me a 1000 dollars for ten years.

Lets be honest, I got myself to this situation and I have to deal with it. I don't think that blaming anyone besides myself will get me anywhere and I need to just repent and forgive myself. I started this post a while ago and never posted it.

I was really serious about it then, I am not as much anymore.

emailing the family C

Charity wanted me to email 3 families. One family I love, the family C. I am sill nervous something will fall through with them but i am taking it easy, one day at a time. I emailed another family and just don't feel it. How do I respond with I don't feel a connection, good luck. They are adorable and have a great feeling about them but i just can't get excited about writing them back. 

I can't stop writing or thinking about the family C. 

They are just so great. I hope that after I meet them I will know in my heart. 

My body

I am feeling like the baby is getting a little bit more big. It isn't a good feeling because I was hoping I could stay hidden till May. Maybe I can? I should measure it. I just can't bring myself to do it. 

I am feeling ALOT better. Not taking my sleeping pills that my Dr prescribed me so I could eat and drink. 

this is always interesting for me to read about others, boring to fill out though...

How far along?  17 weeks and 5 days
Total weight gain/loss?  lost 20
Maternity clothes?  none
Stretch marks? none
Sleep?  8 hours, use to get 10
Movement? no..... maybe some? I dunno
Food cravings?  Vinegar was last month.... nothing currently. Does Smart water count?
Gender? unknown
Labor signs? None
Belly button in/out? In.  
What I miss: Not being sick by stuff and having to lay down so I don't throw up. Like when I was sweeping my hair up and I almost threw up and had to leave the bathroom and lay down... grrrr Normally I would just gag, if I even let myself gag I will throw up 7 times.
What I am looking forward to: Going home for a few days
Milestones: writing the new families for placing. 


Hmmm I dunoo about doing that again.. hmmm.