20 weeks. TA DA!!

Good morning 275 views at 9 am and now 289 at 4:00. I hope this is helping someone! Actually it is, me ;)

I still haven't finished the blog for the family.

This weekend I went home to see my parents. In the journey of it all, I found out that my mom has known since December. December when? I don't know. Then to top it off my sister has known the same. My mom doesn't want to come when I have the baby. I was HEART BROKEN when I found this out.

As we know I am a talker and I really rely on talking to someone. I believe in the guardian angels that God sends me to show his love. The good friend got this text.

2:01 PM
She said she thinks telling her is a mistake because my dad can't keep a secret. Sorry I know I said I wouldn't talk to you about this but I really don't have anyone and I am so sad. This so so hard. It's like nobody loves me. Nobody. It is true what you said. Just because I went and got pregnant it doesn't mean anyone will drop  what their doing for me. Nobody.

Then I called my family. I call her baby mama because I am birth mom. wouldn't she be baby mama? This is all behind her back like to my two friends I talk to about her so maybe beside her back lol...  I guess adoptive mom doesn't seem personal enough for me and we all know that I like to keep it personal. Although i guess technically that is what she is. I REALLY rely on her. I cried on the phone and talked to her for a good long time. If she doesn't think I am crazy already then I don't know when she will. ;) Although I kinda like crazy honest people. I LOVE them. The more crazy and honest the better.

This was my next text to my friend hours later. I guess I was still sad.

12:17 am-I just need today to end so I can have a fresh start. I cried hard 3 times today. I just can't do this. I feel like God has abandoned me. I really do. I honestly feel the wrath and i can't take it. Where is my white flag. I GIVE UP. Would you ever date a nonmember (of our faith)? I hung out with my old friend and she is happily married and pregnant with a baby in may. I want her life. Today was the worst day yet. I want a husband but will that ever happen? I just am not seeing it. I am so doubtful  I am mad. Mad I have to go through this alone. I have never felt so alone.  I want a husband so much. I want to serve him for eternity  I want to make him his favorite meal and surprise him in the morning and kiss him. I want to take care of him when he is sick and love him and laugh with him and play jokes with him. Today I am sad and I want everyone else as sad as me. My mom is sad too. She feels alone too. Maybe getting married isn't the answer? I don't have any answers... :(

After I went to bed I felt a ton better.

My best friend is having a baby next month and she said I can come when she does and she is going to come when I birth. My cousin is of course coming because I think I am going to die through this.

I love asking strangers personal questions when I have hard times.

Like when my x boyfriend of two years and I broke up. I would ask people if they ever had their heart broken.

At Walmart yesterday I asked the lady, what is the hardest thing that has ever happened to you.

She said probably giving birth.

AWESOME!

So updates

Birth dad- he hasn't connected me since like a few weeks ago.
Heatlh- I got a UTI last week. That was awful and not fun. I also got a cold and it is very heavy between my legs. I am not very hungry. I don't like to eat.

Everything else is just going perfect so I am having a great life! I hope you all are doing well.

To come, why I choose and and who.

I am going to group now to hang out with the preggers and the birthers.

peace out

Alice