Physically- I am feeling like a sicky at night again. I don't know what that is about but baby boy and I have taken a few baths so we can relax and sleep through the night and he loves the baths. He moves around all over in the tummy, maybe he hates them? I dunno. I feel like a crazy person. I love saying oh, baby pop rocks loves grape tomatoes or he hates cookies because he really does, they make me SO SICK! I can't eat any sugar or I feel like i am going to die.
Emotionally- After finding out HE is A HE it is making things come home more and be excited for the family and for the future. I can't seem to stop playing this song. I thought for sure it would make me cry but it has always reminded me of my brother and when he left for a service mission I would listen to it and get the feeling I would cry. (baby boy is moving around as I type all this) I just can't help but think of placing my baby brother. It is so many emotions but I am glad that Jesus placed my brother into my family and I get to place baby boy into this family.
After I found out he was a he my friend brought me a picture of Jesus with a baby. I can't find the exact one but she said, all of us are Jesus's, this baby isn't your baby it isn't anybody's but Jesus's. I don't know if those are her exact words but that is very comforting. I found this picture and I love it. Sometimes it is hard to think that the little boy is going to be with a family and he will call them mom and dad. I think it is a little thing to carry him in my belly but it still is something that is connecting me to him. I STILL want the family to have little boy I am just expressing how I feel. I am trying to FEEL EVERYTHING and plan for everything so nothing throws me by surprise.
Okay, I also have to say I AM SO HAPPY!! I don't know if it is people praying for me or if my spirit is just healing more or if with all the negative experience so far I am doing well... I don't know what it is but I am happy.
I do see a lot of things that remind me of placing the baby. Like Safe Haven. If you haven't seen the movie or read the book you won't understand and this will kinda ruin it for you so don't read it but I just think when a mom dies and her husband remarries it is kinda similar to how I feel. I WANT the baby to have a mom. In the movie the mom dies and she writes letters to her kids on important days. I know i am not dying but I think I am going to write letters for baby pop rocks. I love writing as we know and just in case I place the baby never to see him again then at least I will have tried to write the letters for him. I can't expect that that will happen but just in case.
SO someone is reading all of this. I don't know who and I hope you love it. I really wish I knew what was REALLY going through the families minds. Do they think, "hopefully alice is eating right..(which for the most part I am. I am eating a grapefruit and corn nuts today it is taking me about an hour to eat these and the corn nuts are bad on my teeth not babies. I usually suck them to death too) Are they thinking I hope Alice is wearing pants that are loose on her belly so she doesn't make baby look deformed like a hobbit or the hunch back. Do they think, Alice is such a terror, all she does is email us and text us all day and tell us about her problems, I can't wait till she can move on and stop telling us, baby is moving. I do think, why can't I transfer baby into her belly? I made the choice now, can I move him over now?
How do sperm and egg donors do it? The money? They are CRAY CRAY!
I wonder if the family ever thinks, this Alice blog is nutso! I also wonder if they think I LOVE ALICE BLOG. I LOVE it. After I write in it, I feel like I am freed from the last storm, that I can move on in safety.
Okay I have listened to this song about 5 times since I started the blog. I really hope baby boy will know that I thought of him and my brother every time I heard it.
Okay one last thought. The baby is going to have blue eyes. I have blue eyes and birth father has blue eyes. We know one thing. In the ultrasound we saw his ear. Can't tell who's ear that is. It sure did look nice though. I hope he doesn't get any ear infections. This is the best part about placing. GOOD LUCK BABY MAMA! It is like I am a grandma at 27. I can't wait to be a grandma. Yesterday at church this lady said if we would have known having grand kids were so great we would have skipped having kids. I am so lucky I get to be a grandma at 27 and baby mama gets to go get the shots with baby boy and wake up when he is hungry for 6 months and when he is 4 and eats to much chocolate because he snuck behind his parents back and ate the whole bag and he wakes up and throws it up everywhere baby ma ma and her husband are going to be washing the sheets and cleaning up after him. I do want kids someday but baby boy I want a husband to call when you are throwing up and shaking. I want a husband to bless you with the power from God. I want a husband that will hold both of our hands when we drive you to the hospital and I know you want a dad who will tell you, son everything will be okay. SO that paragraph is positive and negative.... or it is all in how you look at it. It is all positive!!
Last night I skyped with the family for the first time. They are the best. I have nothing negative to say about them. Little boy, you are going to be so happy with them. Your sister is going to love you just like I LOVED my little brother. I keep thinking I am your older sister in the situation. I feel like I relate to her so much. I also feel like I relate to being your Aunt or your Grandma and I have never been a grandma. I have been an Aunt. I have been a day camp leader and loved all my "kids". You are always loved by me. ALWAYS! I want you to always love your parents and love your sister and love your cousins and never think what it would have been like to live with me. We would have been fine I suppose but I just think your going to be MUCH happier with your family. The C family. I know your last name. HA HA I haven't ever thought that before.
Okay, longest post in the world. I should reread it for mistakes. Sorry I can't. Enjoy the mistakes, that is part of who I am. Someday I will be perfect, not this life, in the future. Someday God will hug me and He will tell me, I so loved the world that I gave my only begotten Son. Thanks Heavenly Father, I am so glad You gave Your Son so I can feel my heart heal and I can repent of my sin. PS the baby isn't the sin, he is the miracle or something. As we can read babies aren't sinful, they are gifts. So maybe baby pop rocks is a gift from God.
Okay, I know i said that was my last thing but I want to write this last thing. My future husband, I love you already and I hope you will love me and that when you find out on our second date that I placed a baby you won't hate me. Future kids, I love you and I know you are cheering me on and I feel your strength. This pregnancy is over the hill but I can already look back at the times Jesus has carried me in the sand. He is my brother and He is my friend. When I feel so alone I get to taste the way you felt. Thanks so much so far. I know You are going to have to carry me more so I thank you for the past, present and future.
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http://youtu.be/r4-PDKNu71I
Hourglass
http://www.mindygledhill.com/lyrics/hourglass.html
Mindy Gledhill
© 2010 Blue Morph Music (BMI)
Little boy, when you speak© 2010 Blue Morph Music (BMI)
I can’t help but kiss your cheeks
I love the way you grab my hands
And tell me all about your plans
Rocket high, comets fly
You and I could take a ride
And fly away to Neverland
And give our best to Peter Pan
When you reach for the stars
Don’t forget who you are
And please don’t turn around and grow up way too fast
See the sand in my grasp
From the first to the last
Every grain becomes a memory of the past
Oh, life’s an hourglass
Life’s an hourglass
Story’s read, prayer is said
Close your eyes sleepyhead
While angels linger in your dreams
And hold you in their feathered wings
Just like you, I was small
Not that long ago at all
I wish you all the happiness
That God gives freely if you ask
Chorus
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