not talking bad, 23 weeks, 4 days

Good morning! 

I love life. I love everything about it. I know that God loves me. I know if I am to come back to Him I have to go through the right steps and I know that I can do this! 

I have been doing a lot of pondering about placement and single parenting because the birth father wants to share custody or he wants sole custody. It makes a person think and that is good, to think that is. I should think about every possible out come. 

Oh and that brings me to not talking bad. I should never talk bad about anyone, I don't want this baby to ever have anything bad about the birth dad or birth mom.One that is his genes and I don't want him to think, am I going to be like blank like my birth dad is or blank like my birth mom is. He isn't going to be perfect and he will have his own share of blank.  Is it easy to not talk bad about someone, no? Even if it is true.

 I have been thinking this is something that I need to start now with everyone I talk to and about. This baby is making me into such a better person. I really wish that my parents had done that, not talked bad about the other. I was talking to my friend about this yesterday and he has never heard his father talk bad about his mom and visa versa. It also bothers his dad to go out in public or with other friends and hear them talk poorly about their spouse. I really like that. Marriage is a private relationship and I should start doing that now. With everyone so I can have the healthiest children with my honey bunny and of course baby boy is the reason I am changing myself to do this, thanks baby pop rocks.  

I have also been thinking about how wonderful the family is that I have chosen. We have an open honesty that I really appreciate and I trust them. 

I am starting to get a belly. Not so awesome because my skin feels so tight... like I could poke it with a needle and POP out comes baby pop rocks and all my inners. I have a belly button phobia and whenever people touch my belly button or their own I feel like their innners are going to pour out. Not a good phobia and mostly nobody touches my belly button so that is also good. 

Yesterday I got to hear from a girl that doesn't know if she wants to place or single parent. She is 16 or 18 weeks and I just feel for her. That is so tough. I want to write her a letter, but she doesn't really know me. I think I still will. Either way, I am SO happy for her and wish her the best of luck and she finds what is right for her and her baby. 

Alice

POST 30, 23 WEEKS

475 views.

The baby is getting bigger, I feel him more and I like that I can feel him more, not that he is making  my tummy bigger. Sleeping is less comfortable but I am sleeping through the night. Last night I was at a friends house watching a movie and I just couldn't get comfortable. This guy friend I just told on Sunday and he has had A LOT of insight and being a libertarian he doesn't want me taking away Johns rights. Either way it doesn't matter what I think. I have told John and that choice is up to him. Some birth moms don't even tell their significant other. They just keep it to themselves.

Birth dad stories.

Friend is pregnant with her boyfriend after the first time and he doesn't ejaculate, ,miracle. They make plans to have a life together and raise the baby as a couple. He cheats on her and leaves her at 8 months pregnant. She places the baby to a wonderful family.

Friend is pregnant with boyfriend and then she tells him she is pregnant and he never talks to her again and she places the baby.

Friend is pregnant and never tells birth dad, she places that baby.

Friend is pregnant and the mom or grandma is so excited she raises as a single parent.

Friend is pregnant and then doesn't know if she wants to single parent of place and she has a still born. at 21 weeks.

For the most part, most birth dads don't do their part. It is heart wrenching and disappointing. It is also a stigma.

ALL, ALL of these girls love the baby's. I wouldn't say this is a matter of giving away a baby or whatever. That is not what it is about what so ever. I don't think people realize that there is a chemical that is released in your body that is FORCING you to connect to this baby. I never, ever want to hear from anyone who has been placed that their birth mom doesn't love them or just whatever. She did what she knew was best in her heart. I never want to hear a baby that has been raised by single parents that she was selfish in not placing him or her into another home. I never want to hear that. It will crush me because growing a baby in my tummy for myself to parent or to place is very difficult and the worst pain anyone can say is I don't want to be a mother.

Being a mother is what I was put on earth to do. Why else are bunnies bunnies, and birds, birds. Procreation. It is was in the bible we have been commanded to do. In the bible we are also commanded to be married, which is something that we all seek is a companion. Companionship is the most desirable thing as I am pregnant and single. It is also chemically what we have been destined to do.

I threw up this morning, it was really gross. It was just the nastiest throw up ever. All stomach acid and it was a good 10 times. Saturday I threw up all my breakfast too.This isn't an easy thing. IT IS DIFFICULT!

23 weeks, people still don't notice or ask or wonder if I am a prego. It is really nice that I can still see my friends and family and don't have to worry about telling them or talk to them about it. It is just such a private matter and it is with me and the Lord.

XOXO

Alice

Hard news

My mom calls this a mountain. 

It is a mountain I choose to climb when I met up with John and did things with him that made a baby. FIRST TIME (baby just push higher then I have ever felt before, like on the right side of my rib. What is he a giant?! Oh my!)

This past week has been kinda hard. I sent this to my friend:

"It's going to happen. I don't think i better go out in public anymore.  I must be showing and when people find out and don't come to me and say hey i am sure your going through a hard time, how can i help it's like automatically I think they must think what a slut or whatever else. So so painful.  I just feel so hopeless and empty"

My friend wrote me back...

"Just got your text.  Once I find out some one knows I talk to them about it.  Pain never goes away you just learn to cope and it doesn't bother you any more"

My C family also wrote me back. I won't put it in here verbatim but this is what I felt.

Alice, it isn't he business of whoever finds out. You are our hero and we couldn't be a family of four without you. 


I love that. 


Yesterday the baby daddy John wrote. He said that he wants to take responsibility and either do 50 50 or take the baby and raise him alone. He doesn't want to place the baby for adoption.

I think baby needs to know that his birth dad wants to be there for him.

That's all.

Alice -

We all have such different situations

OKAY, so I have a friend in a similar situation. I asked if I could share this story about her on my private  blog and she said yes, as long as you change my name. She has a spicy personality so we will call her Rhonda. She is gorgeous, 17 weeks, 27, she has a beautiful body, tattoos  You can't really tell she is pregnant. ( I can't even tell I am pregnant anymore unless baby boy pop rocks moves, or I smell bananas in the morning, like this morning, I almost lost it, but didn't.)

Rhonda dates blonde boy and he gave her herpes. Now she has to take 4 pills the rest of her life, it doesn't go away it will always be with her. He has been trying to ruin her name, he says she is a liar ect. What KILLS me is she says she has slept with 3 guys her whole life and he has slept with 60 and somehow the girls get the stereotype as a slut. That is just not fair. She told him she was pregnant and he spread rumors to their friends she was lying and then he died his blonde hair, blonde eyebrows and blonde goatee BLACK BLACK BLACK. Is he a crazy or something? I don't know?

So he kept saying she was a liar about being pregnant. She took a picture of her looking dang hott with her belly showing, mailed that to him and a copy of her dr bill with her personal information blacked out.

SHE IS SO AWESOME.

My natural reaction was you are crazy. I feel bad for ever saying that because then the next 5 minutes she defended herself of not being crazy but really she is just brave and ready to taken on the world.

On the 5th of March I had 34 page views... is that normal? I don't think so, oh well?!

Saturday is a special day

435 pageviews, hello readers!

I have a growing tummy, it is hard and it is almost out growing  my huge boobs. I just don't get how it can really be getting this big but baby pop rocks is a pusher and a kicker and he loves for me to have the feeling I am going to pee my pants when I stand up and he loves it when I feel like I have pop rocks in my tummy and can't sleep so he is pushing on his house and making it bigger. Last night he moved around for 2 hours straight. Now he has been going at it for about 10 minutes. OH MY BABY! Just go to sleep like usual and we will both be happy, right?

I had a friend around the same weeks as me and she had a still born baby. It BREAKS MY HEART for her and her future. I think anytime something sad happens you have to think is this going to happen again or every time you are going to think what did I do wrong. Maybe she doesn't think that but I sure would. I will see her tonight and I hope that she is doing okay. It is also making me have bad dreams. I dreamt that baby pop rocks came early and there was blood everywhere and I didn't know where I was or what to do and how to save him. I remember thinking, I need to call the family and tell them to come. I think he survived but it is just so scary to have a dream like that. I woke up and made sure I didn't have any blood anywhere. DREAMS ARE SO VIVID when you are pregnant.

I guess it is a good thing now that he is moving a lot so I don't have to worry about that.

The other thing is SATURDAY!

I must say i was a tad bit nervous about the family coming up. I didn't know what we were going to do for 5 hours and I am usually a party animal but now being a pregers I am not a party animal. My ideal Saturday is being a lazy and taking it easy. All morning I cleaned and then got into the organize everything mode. I almost forgot to get ready I was having a great time. My best friend was over and I made her and I breakfast and then cleaned, did laundry and just folded because I usually do my laundry through the week so I can relax on the weekends or go out of town.

IT WAS SO FUN, i don't know why I was nervous. It seems silly now to think that I was nervous for them to come. We went to lunch and I got to see how they parented their little girl. It was very sweet and she can be a handful ahahahhahaha, she would sing at the top of her lungs and she had to be taken out. It was good to see how the baby will be raised and who he will be getting into trouble with.

The whole time I couldn't stop thinking about how this little girl needed a sibling and her little broder.

I couldn't be happier to have found  a family that I love.

After eating lunch we came back to my apartment and played games and talked and had a blast. Then we went over and met my cousins and then they went home. It was sure fun to have them come visit. I am so glad that they could.