yessssssss, I love love

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You know I said something in one of my posts about adopting that has really bothered myself. I said that I would never want to adopt because I wouldn't want to do that to a birth mom.

I would be LIVID right now if I knew in my heart as I do  and the parents that have my baby didn't take him and have him and be his parents. I remember the day after I met them and thinking if they don't say yes to this, they are denying the spirit because God has told me SO strongly and this is really how it is meant to be. 

I think baby's mom read this. I think because I just read her post and she said something about it too. I just have to be clear about how I AM SO GRATEFUL! I know that I did have to go through and do go through hurt but I understand that she can't think of taking away me being mom just how I can't say things like I wouldn't want to do that to a birth mom.

SO potential birth mom if I ever adopt and am chosen by you to adopt your baby- I WILL DO ALL I CAN TO BE just like the family I have. I will open my heart, my phone, my email, my life, my little things that I do so you can be so loved just how I feel with them. I will do it 

I feel terrible for the heart ache that you go through but really consequences exist. You can tell me all about them and we can be angry about that together but having this baby boy is the sweetest thing that has happened to me. 

Adoptive mom- the mom who will be babies mom forever- the mom that has my love- the mom that sometimes makes me jealous- the mom who deserves to be a mom- the mom who makes my heart melt- the mom I am going to visit today-

I love you. thank you for letting me help you. Thank you for keeping me busy. I BELIEVE in you. As long as you keep you honey sweet husband your number one and your sweet baby boy who is yours forever your number one. I will love you. I cherish you.

Words don't describe the love I have for you.

You have given me a couple cards. When I was away I carried them with me and I read them often. I needed to remember what I did for baby, you and your husband. I needed to remember your love for me. I think about what you wrote, "we have something much deeper then being friends"

I can't help but think of that often.

I LOVED helping you on Monday. I LOVE LOVED it. 

I obviously just read your blog post but I also don't think you know how much it helped me.

______

Monday night I went to a friends thing and after it was raining and I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go clean my house and be alone. I could feel the depression caving in. I could feel myself trying to FIGHT it. I called everyone and nobody answered. Called again, nothing. The words of the babies mom went through my head, "call whenever you need to come over"  I kept thinking, I will fight this. I went to the library and picked up 15 movies. Pretty good ones I must say. I could still feel the clouds coming into my heart and feel the long night ahead. 

I called the mom.

I drove and met her at her school. She was dressed just so cute. Her nike sweat pants I love and her shirt and fleece hoody. She just flustered. I couldn't wait to help her. I really loved it. I loved helping and forgetting about how lonely I am (lonely without a husband and yes a baby but the husband needs to come first) (baby, I love and miss you but I know you belong with your parents and I have once wanted to steal you back but it was againisht everything I fought for and out of selfishness, you belong with them, IT BURNS MY SPIRIT writing this) 

Seeing her, helping her, seeing her raw. Seeing her mad, seeing her just love love her students and hear her thoughts because she was going to tell me. I didn't let her tell me scary stories about the elementary,I would never be able to handle it. 

I LOVED helping you. Thanks for letting me talk to you on my drive home. I NEEDED it. Thanks for laughing and for knowing the intents of my  heart. 

I LOVE YOU. 

I am eternally grateful for your love and I am so grateful you are babies mom. Thanks for being so great. You melt me.  

SEE YOU TODAY! I am really excited to see you guys, like see you like you are my friend and you have a baby. I am so healthy and content. I love feeling like this. 

YAY.