reliving last year

the 8th was the day that I finally took the test. I was suppose to have my period on the first. Now, though I shouldn't have my period for a few weeks, I feel like that. I keep waiting to have my period, everyday. I wake up and think, I haven't had it.

I just got done watching million dollar baby.

I really could cry that anyone goes through this world and that a mom carries a baby in her a part of her.

Today honestly has been kinda a hard day. I am REALLY fighting thoughts that make me wish I didn't place him. It is all selfish thoughts. I wish I could have someone to hold and hug. I wish that with my family thing this weekend I got to take him with me. Being alone is so hard. What's ironic is I feel bad for the girl off of the million dollar baby and I am just like her. Alone.

I know not everyone has these thoughts but I do. I have thoughts of who would really care if I did happen to die. I have nobody to live for. Nobody needs my income, just me and 10 percent for tithe. Really, why do I have to suffer so much in this world. WHY ALONE? I think I might have to get some sort of pet that can snuggle but really I like to go out of town.

All month I was telling myself how good of a person I am. Now, I am fighting depression. It takes everything to do anything. I try and push everything out.

I miss the baby.

I miss him wiggling in me and i miss that I don't get to have him.

Tonight babies mom said she was going to read my blog. I really think this is so sad. It is the worst part. GRIEVING HER SON. I am devastated. I want to take care of him. I want to hold him. I want to feel his breath on my skin. I want to feed him.

Instead I have a snake that won't eat. Frogs that are needing a man and fish that somehow are surviving.

I bought life.

I can't buy a husband. One that I can love but really it wouldn't be healthy.

As I was talking to babies mom on the phone I told her that I don't get anything I want.

I really don't.

I have been fasting to have a husband for months, for years. I have none.

Today I feel ugly, fat, worth nothing. My hair is falling out everywhere and that use to be my favorite part of myself. Now I will have no hair and be ugly and never marry.

These posts are so depressing.

You know those people who are positive through everything. WHY HOW? I don't see the point. I want to feel my feelings.

I'll never sleep and I am going to the gym in the morning. Maybe it will make my stretch marks disappear and every negative thought.

If only things could be easier alone but guess what, I wasn't meant to be alone. I wasn't meant to just live here and be a nothing.

but i am nothing

men just hate me.

I really don't know if the babies dad even cares. I think babies mom does. I know I have a few friends that care. I wish I could have fallen asleep so I wouldn't think and then feel so terrible. I called my x, he's busy. Nobody is ever awake at 12.

I need a miracle. Someone to care. I need an angel

nothing.

maybe I will never be a mom and I will just never have more children. I am so sad. I could never measure to be the mother that baby has. She does everything.

13 Guaranteed Ways to Make Yourself Sad

http://lindatravelute.com/13-guaranteed-ways-to-make-yourself-sad/

1. Think about what you don’t have. (a baby)
2. Focus on what someone didn’t do for you. (nobody will marry me or date)
3. Think about what other’s have that you don’t. (a  baby)
4. Compare yourself to others. ( I am terrible at life)
5. Replay stupid things you’ve done over and over again in your mind. ( broke the commandments)
6. Stay angry. (that one is easy)
7. Sulk about how unfair life is. (sulking)
8. Refuse to forgive. ( I really hate myself)
9. Complain. (as above)
10. Complain some more. (Above)
11. Continue to review your hurts over and over again. (above)
12. Beat yourself up. (above)
13. Think about how miserable you are. ( I reallllllly am)