happy birthday soon baby boy

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Today baby boys mom called me and invited me to the birthday party.

I have been wondering how I will feel on that day. I am done with grieving I think? I haven't really had any hard days since the sealing.

They moved which has been a little strange not knowing where they are and what their house looks like but no different then how I felt when my sister moved and I wanted to see where her girls were sleeping and what it looked like. I guess I feel the same I do about him as I do with the twins. I love them both and want them both happy. I look forward to their birthdays and their happiness. I had baby boy and I think I really care about him and am a little protective of him more then other little babies but the thoughts are very similar. Did my sister put sun screen on the twins, did his mom put sun screen on baby boy? I would never ask but am I curious, yes. It is better to just think things

The one thing that is hard for my future husband is when I say my baby. MY mine... or when I feel protective of him. I have really tried working on say their baby. I want a happy husband. I do feel like he is theirs but I still feel a little bit of mine in there.... I am not sure where the happy medium of that is. I feel the love him of a mother but I don't tuck him in at night and I don't wake up when he cries. I am not or will ever be the mom he wants when he is sad. I am okay with that but I hope that future husband sees that. I think I have written about this before but I still don't know what to think of it. My...baby.... their baby. Both are true?

OTHER THOUGHT

I have always wanted a blue eyed, blonde haired baby. Maybe that is why God gave me that sweet little boy.

My future husband has brown eyes and brown hair, I hope I get another blonde baby. My future husband's sister has blonde hair and blue eyes and so does his dad, so there is a chance.

Having this baby really helped me have my future husband and I am more then grateful for him.

Be grateful for the man or woman who wants to live with you forever. They are special to you. If you have any doubts doubt those doubts. I have not once wanted to break up with my future husband, it has always felt right and the only one time I thought maybe he is to good for me and he deserves someone better then me. Oh insecurities... I could blow them up.


I love, I get scared, I worry, I laugh, I have fun, I scream, I dream, I have nightmares. I have a little boy who doesn't live with me. I am sad and it was a really hard time feeling things and I still am a little sad I don't get him forever with me and I want to feel that. He is a wonderful baby and though I don't get to talk to him yet I feel him in my heart. He is always with me.

I really am so lucky to get to kiss those cheeks and I am grateful for the time I do get to see him.

I am lucky to have a future husband who works through things with me. Who held me all morning before the sealing just cuddled up in his strong arms. I am grateful that he is able to be apart of this and to be my husband. He is thinks so simply and I am grateful for him.

XOXO

Alice.

PS I also want baby boy to be 6*3.. is that to much to ask? Okay at the least I want him as tall as his mom, PLEASE one more thing Heavenly Father? 

pps I feel so good and have healed so much that I feel a little guilty, I think this is normal so I don't read into it but I really want a future birth mom and whoever to know how i felt and I want to remember how i felt.