emotion throw up- ideas that aren't solid but hope that is

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I love page views, I love feeling like this blog is helping someone, even if it's just me.

I have written about one of my friends and I think she said this right.

I sent her a picture of me a little boy, who is so cute and his teeth are coming in all crazy. Sorry buddy- I am not sure where you are getting that from. I don't think it is from me but if so, sorry and if it from your birth dad, he is sorry too because nobody wants crazy teeth. Maybe the crazier they come in the better they will look in the end. I dunno what to tell you. I don't have perfect teeth and didn't have braces and I think that I am really happy with my teeth for the most part. My dad had braces and my mom didn't. None of my siblings had braces. I don't like them perfect really so I love your little gargoyle teeth. You are so cute.

So my friend,

Picture of us as above. We are darling. getting big. ( I love showing the few people that know baby boy the pictures of him and me)

Her- Oh man! Is he the cutest thing ever or what!!??

I love her she has the best responses ever, prob because she is also a birth mom and so awesome.

Me- I can't believe how big he is, he is so cute!
Her- He is so cute!... Did you see him today?
Me- last week, it was nice but more and more I am not as attached, it's weird.
Her- yah, last time I saw (her baby she placed) I didn't feel anything. I want to close my adoption.
Me- I'm doing less visits right now. Open adoption is hard on the birth mom if you ask me. I think it's really to much. When (my baby) wants to meet me later down the road, maybe then. Partly I'm still attached just not as much... I'm not ready to close.
Her- I think it was good my first year for healing, but now, I feel like it's no longer helping but hurting instead.
Me- Exactly



Well baby boy- if you ever read this these are just thoughts.
And adoptive mom- if you ever read this which I think you won't I am just speculating.
And adoptive dad- isn't this what you have always wanted? I never know if you really like seeing me or if your wife likes you seeing me??

I am not trying to be mean by all means.

IT IS HARD TO STAY IN CONTACT, you know how when you are in love with someone then it just doesn't work out and your heart goes into pain because you wanted to marry that man and be with hi forever. It is like you broke up with this little baby and his now family and seeing them over and over again be so happy and have perfect lives gets kinda old when your life is scummy and hard. I really can't even put any of the feelings into words.

So I guess I have been thinking about this off and on. I love my friendship with the adoptive mom but this sad part of me thinks what if she thinks I just want to be her friend because she feels bad for me. Maybe this is all my depression speaking from loosing my fiancé.

Adoptive mom wrote me the nicest texts after my awful texts.

I told her I deleted my facebook due to the X
her- oh so sorry. How are you?
me- Hanging in there. The pain means I loved him.. gotta keep going forward. Thanks for asking. I hope you are all doing well. XO
Her- I wish we could help. We love you. Would it make things worse to send pictures of (baby boy) or would you like that?
Me- It wouldn't make things worse. I love seeing him ;) ( I am really grateful that I am able to think that even if I don't meet someone down the road at least I was able to have one baby and even if I am not able to watch him grow daily at least I get once a week or so often)
I am so miserable, in so much pain. I feel like my heart is stinging... everyday I go to work and come home and get in bed... I miss him. I'm confused, I'm sad.... I'm grieving.
Him being the X. It's interesting how similar the pain of baby boy and X is. With baby it was more physical, but the depression is similar. Any way I'm sure you don't want my sob story. Sweet dreams.
Her- sent video. I wasn't sure and didn't know if me sending pictures would be hard for you or not.
her- No I don't mind at all. Do want to talk?
me- I'm not in the talking mood. Thank you though. I can't believe he can do the recorder! Brilliant little guy. I'm glad I got to see him and you guys. I miss living close.
her- Me too ;) He is one smart little boy. He loves you. He always will.
me-I hope so, I will be devastated if he ever doesn't. Right now I feel so worthless. Nothing really helps. I feel ugly. Thinking of baby boy really helps. That sweet boy came from me and the hope I'll ever be able to do that again and raise the baby brings all my hope and take my pain for a second.
Then I think having baby and all these emotions is what pushed the X away and then I am sad again. Why did I ever sin against God. Now I am emotionally damaged and I am in my consequence.
 I am alone and maybe I'll always be.
I must be so hated and maybe I'm just this girl that everyone tolerates and I really don't have friends. I'm service project. Depression is amazing how it alters everything.
Even telling you I feel guilty like a burden. Just try to ignore the above messages if possible. I'll be fine someday.
Her-It's going to get better. I hope soon. Sometimes we have grief because of others peoples choices too. Lehi had much sorrow because of choices his sons made. (the x) leaving and giving up isn't because of you. He made that choice on is own and there are other people who would have been more respectful of you situation. I think you will find him. I'm sad it's not (the x), but he was an answer to your prayers at that time.
PS. I understand depression. My depression is different obviously, but it's very real. It can cause the most miserable thoughts and feelings. It alters everything that is around you and toys with your mind. Reality becomes very skewed and worthlessness sets in. I have to...I'm so sad that things didn not work out with (the X)I don't know why, but I'm confident you will see the blessings of this happening, one day. He is a good guy, but there were definitely things that he needed to change to be a good husband to you. I hope you can find someone that loves youfor you AND your mistakes. We all make them so it shouldn't matter. I hope you will find someone that will love what you love and be willing to compromise with you, and give up things that they love because they know it will make you happy. You deserve that. (baby boy's) birth mommy deserves a good husband. And one day it will.

I sent her back a smily and went to sleep.

Oh my life. I can't live with anything.

On another note I haven't been talking to my family and I use to talk to my mom everyday. I just feel like my life is to sad to talk to her about.

I wonder what will happen in 10 years.

This post is for me really only but I think letting people see your heart isn't bad and I want to remember things. I want to see if I really will one day get the good husband I deserve.

I send my best wishes to the X. I saw so much in him. I wish I could only remember the bad but the good is what haunts me. What I love about him. He will always be loved by me.

JASPER- Alice needs you! Where are you?

ALice