No one else will ever know

I wonder when all heart ache will be gone. Have you seen the Giver? In the Giver there are birth moms and watching them just give their baby away to some family and that is there job to be prego and just give and give and give. I know the movie doesn't really touch on this but I am pained from it. I wish that I could be more heartless and not care. This is one of the hardest things I have been through. Through time I am getting better but really the memory is pain. I love that I was able to do that for the family. I am grateful that I could do something for someone that they at the time couldn't do for themselves. Ironically I go through an odd thing were I don't feel appreciated. I know I am, but sometimes I feel like I just am some person. The girl that was supposed to do this. I think that is the devil and pride getting in my heart. I do the same with all my relationships. I will start to think that I do to much that I give more then I should and I am making myself desperate. For the little boy sometimes I get sad and wish I didn't think he was cute. Why is it easy to hate over feel? Today I am going to see you little boy. I am sure you will be cute. I will be so sad the day you cry and don't want me to hug you. I am not your mother, I am your birth mom. I am really okay with that though. God has told me and nothing that anyone ever says to me will be able to prick my heart again... I will forgive and love. I will be more like Jesus. I am living for God. I use to think, I have to be good for you but really I want you to live for God, not anyone else. For God. He has been a part of life before you were even born. He really lead me and was there with me. I always liked going to church and he was the one at church with me. He was in the the older man with homemade suits from his late wife. He was in the chairs and the building. I was in his house. He went on walks with me. He was with me. Live for God. I love this quote



 "No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside"