grieving makes you feel cray cray

Yesterday- oh man. I can't help but blog. I wish I could put what i am feeling into words but I can't. I wish I didn't have feelings of anger, jealousy and hatred but I do. I wish I had an explanation for having 6 months of peace and then bam I am beyond upset.

Reasons why I got upset/hurt... I think.

1. The family is important to me. I would drop anything for them and in reality they wouldn't drop things for me. Their actions don't show that they would. I just feel like they must be so frustrated with me. I am over here ranting on my blog. Like REAL RANTING and acting like a baby. I know I am but when I am in this mind state I am not healthy. I am trying to make EVERYONE hurt as much as I do. The poor future husband that has me tear into him yesterday and be angry with him. Oh man. I couldn't even stop and he is really my number one.
2. I have unrealistic expectations. I look to forward to things. They make mistakes they are human and they have feelings but when someone tells you they are going to send you pictures of a little boy you see once a month or once every few months you look forward to those pictures. I wish I didn't and maybe that is why I want to cut of the openness...
3. It may be stupid to everyone and as I wrote in the last post that my friend said "I wouldn't feel like it was her baby if she always had to report" What is funny is I only felt so sad because I am so use to being able to see him when I have a bad day so when I had the bad day and couldn't see him that is why I was so sad. I don't need to be like a teacher and be asked to go to the bathroom and it's something that won't change. If anything cutting off the openess for me it would be better. More like it was good bye.
4. I feel like a facebook friend. I feel SO sad when I have to read things on facebook that I feel like I wish I would have known other wise. I wish I didn't care about this too.
5. It just hurts my feelings more when I read things because I take them wrong. Like the "not to excited to drive down" I still even after talking to the adoptive mom yesterday I still feel in my heart it was, not to excited to see you. Then talking to the friend about the report thing I just keep thinking, why would she be excited to see me? Why would she care? I sent the adoptive dad ties for fathers day and all I want is to see him and the boy in the ties. No picture just a thanks. Are my expectations to high? They aren't perfect. The other thing is, I just want them to get mad at me too. I want them to say how they really feel... then I want to say, I gave you a baby and you can't give me a picture then what goes through my mind, the thing that my friend said, I wouldn't feel like he was my baby if I always had to report to someone. Well guess what- I can't do it. It is easier to just take myself out of the equation. They have their happy family. I don't matter. I had the baby and now they are to focus on the baby.
6. I didn't want to admit it but I am jealous I don't have a little boy and really when I do need to see them and then finding out that they are 9 hours away- heart ache. I know yesterday I could have gone but that text then what my friend said about the report. I turned around. couldn't go. I was half way there and couldn't do it.
7. It takes alot to keep in contact with the family when they don't keep in conact with you so you feel like a burden and then reaching out is HARD. Then you take things the wrong way that they weren't intended but were written (I know they make mistakes but it is HARD for being a birth mom, my whole body wants to raise that baby but instead I get ZERO say. Which I knew would be hard and it's not that I am asking to have a say but I don't even know. I am just mad and grieving.)

SO I think that covers it. Nobody understands except this other birth mom friend that I have. I called my friend who is a mom on my down to see the family and she said that report thing and I blew up. I was crying, driving like a crazy person and went home. I called the husband to be and told him everything and he said, Alice baby boy is their baby. Oh that was not the things to say. Then I am crying and the only thing that was helping was walking... I walked 9.4 miles yesterday. 3 hours of walking and thinking about all of this. 3 hours.

I do need a break. I can't do all of this. I am obviously unhealthy, sadly I wish I could hug and kiss that little boy but I am to upset with his parents and really after making this big hissy fit and knowing they might read this I really don't think they would want to see me either. I am a horrible person. I should have more compassion and love but instead I am angry and jealous.

Yesterday after the "report" comment I was still talking to my friend and she said if you think being upset is better for you and your family then be upset. If you think being mad is better  then be mad....

Warnings that I am about to blow
Things I do when I am getting sad and need more contact... I start reading the moms blog, i go to facebook daily or more and see if there are pictures uploaded then last I will email. I look at the last pictures that were sent to me multiple times a day, I let things get to me like the woman who said she couldn't love a baby that wasn't her own  I start talking about the baby more. I start thinking and wanting to tell everyone about it. I start searching for praise. I talk to my birth mom friends more. I start reading about adoption more. I become crazy basically.

On thing that I like that the "report" friend said was you aren't a "crazy person you are a grieving person" i really have no means to being so fired up. I should be fine I should be cordial, instead I feel like nothing.

I walked 9.4 miles and really I felt back to normal about 6 or 7 miles in. It took forever. I feel like the baby isn't mine. I can't say my baby.

I worry that I hurt the family and really all that we need to do is make more contact for me right now. Maybe they hate me and that will be fine I guess. The world keep turning.

My other friend said something. I am engaged and happy to be marrying the man of my dreams yet all I could do yesterday was cry.

I briefly told my mom about it and she said something so peaceful, you did the right thing.

I am not at 100 percent peace and yesterday was a hard day, beyond hard. There are A TON of things going on in my life. Nothing to write on here but I am stressed and the stress and emotional turn of a year is hard on me.

Hold onto what I have, for now I have a great future husband and that is just what I have to think about. Anything else sends me over the edge.

To the family-

I am sorry. I am really trying but grieving is so real.

Alice.