visit- so many different thoughts

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I wondered for so long, how was I going to feel when I saw the baby. It took loosing my sweet boyfriend from all this hurt and anxiety and feeling so sad and taking it out on the "whipping boy" to discover that after I visited little boy yesterday that I feel more emotionally detached then ever. I thought my heart would always ache. I thought that I wouldn't stop. I think after going through so much hurt and feeling like his mom kinda got a little cray cray on me and seeing her protect him and herself and her husband, even if it was from me.

I didn't know until I saw him.

He is so happy. SO healthy. I didn't feel like I had to stay forever. I didn't feel like my heart was breaking as he smiled at me with 3 teeth. I didn't feel like I should have brought a filmmer to get every minute on film so I could watch it over and over again. Instead I felt different.

I feel like the hurt is leaving and the joy is coming in more. After hurting for so long, a year it is like being so upset at the one year really got so much out of me. I bled out. I am sure it isn't the end but I am not feeling like I can't text the mom because I don't think to myself, are the alternative motives.

I still love that little boy but it is getting less mother bear feeling.

I feel more emotionally detached then ever. I think a lot has to do with being so numb in my heart ache. My fiancé and I broke off the engagement. I was hurting so bad and couldn't deal with so much going on.

The saddest thing is, I don't really know if we will get back together. Usually I would miss this little boy in anytime that I didn't feel loved, this time I think the fiance got me through more then I thought.

Thank you now boyfriend.

I think forever I will always wonder but that is grief.
I think forever I will someday get depressed, but that is grief.
I think forever I will be sad on july 8th, but that is grief.
I think forever I will be mad and get mad at someone- that isn't fair to anyone, but that is grief.
I know forever I will be okay, because my choice changed the world, it was the will of God. I won't have the answers but I will have peace.


I know forever he will be loved. He loves us, God loves us, He is with us forever.

Alice