sometimes adoption stinks like now

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I think we all get that one conversation that sometimes stains our minds and doesn't give us a chance for a break or a minute of peace. I had one of those conversations and it has been bothering me since. It was last week. Ugh, I wish that things that people say to me wouldn't make me so sad and want to ball up and just be sad or lay in my bed. I have contemplated writing about it on here but haven't because it isn't positive and it is very sad to my heart.

Somebody I work with just had a baby and the whole time she was pregnant she would say things like, "you wouldn't understand and one day when you are pregnant" Oh I could bop her. Finally I said I was pregnant and I had a baby and placed him for adoption. She thought I was kidding.

Oh brother- grr.

So then months later she tells me, why didn't you just raise him, people told me why not adoption and she told me that she couldn't do it because she just wouldn't love the baby as her own. WHO SAYS THAT TO A BIRTH MOM!? So nothing I would say would stop her from saying hurtful thing after hurtful thing. It has created so many doubts and upsets for me. I feel bad and sad.I start to doubt if the adoptive couple loves my baby that I should be raising according to the world.

I tried telling my she daddy that birth moms get a bad rap sometimes and she was like, no I don't think so. Well guess what they do. It isn't the trend anymore, placing your baby.

Today I read this... and feel it so much. Ironically it is a birth dad.

"One of the most difficult aspects of being a birth parent is the loss of stewardship and access to the birth child." http://adoption.com/four-ways-birth-fathers-can-thrive/

I am feeling beyond emotional right now and as a birth mom when you are pregnant I feel like the adoptive family/case worker takes you more as a priority and then slowly you aren't after the baby is born. Which is great and not so great. It is great because you are moving on or trying to and need more space. It isn't so great sometimes too. I think I was more demanding when I was pregnant but I feel left out so much now. I wonder how everyone else feels. 

The nice thing is I have my fellow birth mom friends. 

I can feel myself going through grieving today. I am SO sad, and fighting tears and hatred. I hate myself usually and today is no exception. Why didn't I just keep him and raise him? I am going through each stage today... I hate me,  I hate that I am not a priority, I hate that I am not... perfect. I am depressed and want to lay in my bed... sadly the acceptance is not coming.

I am tired of my mom saying one day "when you are a mom. When you wake up with your baby and when they are sick." My heart can't take it. How much can one heart take?

Today it can't take anything. 

I write this to remember the hard times... because soon I will forget and I want to see how unrealistic I am. I was texting the adoptive mom today about coming to see them, she invited me down like a champ. I just got so sad about the adoptive and "real mom" saying that she "wasn't super excited about driving half way" and if I could come to see her. I just feel like a burden I feel like I wish this would all go away. I haven't felt these feelings of grief for months like 6 months. All i can think about is the baby off and on the past week and I feel so sad. I have been fighting and fighting it and then when I couldn't take it anymore lat week I asked the family if I could come see them because it is easier to be invited then asked to be invited, guess what they are out of state. UGH big empty void.... I just wish I could get use to the idea that I am nothing then I would have low expectations. 

Instead they invite me to come out today and I am to upset to face anyone. 

I am grateful for the days that things don't bother me. I am grateful for the days I am strong. I am grateful for the days I feel appreciated and birth moms are a heros. Today and this week I feel like people think I took the easy way out. I feel like I took the lonely road. I feel like I wish I could forget. Being a birthmom is the hardest thing I have ever done. The hardest part is I am so easily offended with it that I can't talk to the future husband about it sometimes because he feels like I am just going to hold on a grudge and he should be careful about what he says. Really the only people that don't hurt me is the other birth moms because each journey is different but hard and similar. 

Oh I can't wait till i feel better. I know it will come... I just miss that baby boy today.

Today I don't feel like mama alice, I feel like a ghost. Someone of the past.

XOXO
alice

worse can get worse

remember the time you are on the drive to see the baby and you start talking to someone and tell them how you feel bad that you didn't know that the baby went to cali and it hurts?

then that person says, i wouldn't feel like my baby was my baby if I would always have to report to someone.

then you want to hang up?

That is how I feel. I can't take it anymore.
I am cutting myself off. I can't take things anymore. Things are to hard. It is just to painful. I don't want anymore contact, I don't want expectations. I am not the mother and I am dead to him.