one day I'll fly away

I wonder when the pain will stop. I wonder when I won't feel the empty pain. I wonder when there will be a good day again. I haven't had much of those.

I have really taken it out on the future husband lately and I try telling him things but then it just turns out bad.

I haven't felt this much confusion about my feelings since November.

I am happy that he was placed. I am sad that he was placed. I am mad at the adoptive parents for not being perfect i am happy with the parents. I am mad about the mom posting pictures I am sad about them posting pictures. Nothing pleases me or suffices me. I feel so selfish and awful. I feel the depression eating my soul I feel the anger building up around my heart. I feel like a bad person.

I feel destructive and like a child. When I am acting out I make so many mistakes and don't think or care. All night I have been trying to let the feelings come. I have cried and I wonder why God wanted me to go through this.

Consequences?

I remember the cousin who could only see my sin.

Sometimes I am mad at God, it seems to be a lot lately. I seem to be more mad then anything. I just want answers. Instead I have questions and hurt and heart ache.

Watching a boy grow up I think about how he doesn't and will probably never really care about me. I think how he will one day hate me. I think how he will one day not love me. I think about how he doesn't need me.