having a baby after placing

I don't know if I have talked about this but it has been on my mind because I have had a friend messaging me about it.

It is kinda weird having a baby for you and your family after you have placed a baby. There is a certain emotional wall that has to be put up during placing. Like with P, I always called him baby pop rocks or baby boy. After the first year with P being placed I feel like the worst was behind me but a lot of the "triggers" are our there that you start to turn off. like for me.
I didn't like seeing
1. anyone with babies, especially boys and especially boys P's age
2. Seeing happy couples
3. going to family parties. ( I have a relatively large family and we do family gatherings and I hated going)

Those were the main things. Then as you see them more and more and more your heart gets a little harder and little more hard.

After meeting my husband C and marrying him then getting pregnant on our honeymoon it was pretty CRAZY! I was not a happy camper about it. I felt that shame and guilt again even though I was married. It was ALOT of mixed feelings I felt bad about. Here is was going to have a baby with my husband and I didn't like telling people I was prego, I didn't like people asking me about it and I didn't want to talk about it. THANK GOODNESS I had a husband that was willing to be the best cheerleader ever. He was SO excited he couldn't contain himself. That helped me get excited but I still went to the Dr's and kinda wanted to look around to see if everyone was married or was in my shoes years ago.

I am blessed it gave me a perspective that I will really never be able to replicate. That is a positive.

So those were my first emotions. It was needless lonely and hard. It was a challenge I didn't expect.

I also had the toll of having a INSANE step daughter that was in her TERRIBLE TWOS and that was hopeless too.  (she is now SO much better and really quite the angel but at the time I thought what were we thinking)

I don't regret having little E but it was hard going through such MIXED emotions.

Then came the challenge of preparing to be a mom. I don't remember exactly when this happened but it was also really quite an emotional challenge internally. I didn't really want to talk about it but I was BEYOND a protective mother but then what if he was born and I wasn't? I kept asking C my hubs about this and he kept telling me that he went through the same emotions with his daughter but he was right there to cheer me on hard core.

1. how was I going to breastfeed- I knew I wanted to but wow.
2. how were we going to wake through the night, I loved sleep
3. what about my relationship with my hubs, was that going to change how could we prevent that
4. what if I felt an emotional disconnect?

I never thought of post partum depression. I thought, if I could make it through placing a baby, I could make it through ANYTHING.

I got so much advice about being prego which cracks me up still because not many people know that I placed a baby.

The world really helped prepare me. Stanger's or acquaintances started asking me things. Baby room, this that. People asking oh is it your first baby.

Okay- one quick birth mom rant. I feel like "birth moms" are discredited because they didn't raise the baby. Yet all the emotions to scientifically connect you to the baby is there but you don't have that sweet baby to kiss, feed, change, hold.. I wonder how moms that loose (baby dies) their babies feel about this. are they not moms because they lost their baby? Maybe I am the only birth mom that feels like this.. who knows.

One other thing is round two is COMPLETELY different then round one. Having the baby, different. Emotions, different. I think that is for everyone having their second baby but

This is all that I want to write for now.