I am really doing so good this season with missing little boy. It isn't quite as heart wrenching and painful and ruin my day like last year was. Gosh that was bad. I am doing really good. I have been thinking more and more about "coming out" as a birth mom. I dunno. I really don't. But it would be nice to just have it in the open though it is a painful subject sometimes with some people. Like my cousin who is really wanting to have babies then I have a miracle baby and I am not married nor wanting to be prego- though this isn't to be confused with being grateful to have baby boy in my life or have changed my life for the better.
Anyway.... Here are some things I screen shot, love these things.
Truly one of the most hardest things I have ever done. EVER. I think about that week of July 8th, more then any other week of my entire life. What it felt like to hold him and not worry about anything. The peace he has and the melting.
this is the most well written feelings, I feel the same.
What we as parents want for our kids..... ;)
I must say this is kinda hard for me.... am I am mother? I feel like a mother in secret. It is something that is really hard on me because most of my validation tells me I am not which my body which was birth screams of it. But the second line clears it up. Placing a child doesn't make me less of one. I hate titles and complex issues on the inside.
Baby boy's grandma wrote me the nicest facebook email the other day. I should paste it in here.
Hi Alice
This is (baby boy's) grandma, I met you at his sealing... I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I think about you often and hope and pray that your heart is healing and you are doing ok. I thank you for your gift of love to our family. (baby boy) is a joy to all his family. We hope to get out soon and see him for a visit. I check in on your blog now and then, it must help to express your feelings in writing. Just wanted you to know that I hope you are well and that (baby boy)couldn't be loved more by everyone. Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving.Love,
(his grandma)
Really, it is the little things- it really is. Those little things that make my life a little easier. Those moments that really make me feel like God hears me. Sometimes I feel like He doesn't. Especially with so many challenges but things are easier right now.... boring even. which I love. My heat is really settled. Some days are almost impossible. Some days which are now weeks... almost months, I don't feel any sting and not heart ache.
Some people ignore that I had a baby- they pretend it didn't happen. That is really hard sometimes because it makes me feel ignored as a mother. Interesting huh?
Baby boys' family is so cute. I saw the cutest Christmas card last night and bought it. It says to my son and his family. Most likely it is made for an adult son and his wife and children but I don't know that story. I don't know a lot. But I do know that this is meant to be. For now it is sometimes hard and I wish SO SO much I had a future in store, I had a husband I loved and would have babies with but I don't. I don't have that right now. I keep dating.
I have SO SO many dates all the time. I think of the pain of loosing my X. It is still very sharp and hard. I just thought, I wonder if he reads this? If you are, I really hope you are doing well. I still think of you and some nights I want to call you but we just aren't meant to be. To much pain is now associated. Anyway this isn't about you...
My friend just sent this to me. I literally just checked my email and there was this link. I agree with most things she says. Not all but most. She is so pretty. I always think birth moms are some of the prettiest woman. Really look up birth moms on instagram. gorgeous. I love giving myself indirect compliments. LOL totally kidding. But I do think birth moms are pretty. I think it has something to do with doing something with Gods grace and really with God.
Watch the video if you want. I loved it.
